Your Own Room

 

                In my blog titled 7 Keys to a Successful, Long-Term Relationship, I described seven characteristics of a successful relationship. Each of these factors is equally important in this context, but one—separate interests—is imperative for ensuring individual growth in and outside of the relationship. Let me explain.

                Whether we are discussing a platonic friendship or a romantic partnership, two people enter a relationship because they are attracted not just to the similarities and mutual interests they share but also the differences between them. The expression “opposites attract” really is true: We are attracted to people who possess skills, characteristics and experiences that are different from our own. It is natural to consciously adopt some of the other person’s interests and to subconsciously mimic some facial expressions, mannerisms and beliefs during the course of the relationship. After spending time together, people tend to focus on and emphasize those similarities as a way to demonstrate that their relationship really is meant to be. (Have you ever noticed how couples that have been together for a long time, such as your parents or grandparents, even start to look alike?)

Ironically, when one (or both) of you forfeits your unique traits or interests to be more “like” the other person the relationship may falter. Rather than closing any space between you, abandoning your individuality can inadvertently cause the other person to lose some interest in you. Whether the relationship continues to thrive or eventually ends, you want to have a foundation on which you can continue to enjoy doing the things you always have, with or without the other person in your life.

If you want share a healthy relationship with someone else, start by nurturing your relationship with yourself. What do you enjoy doing? What do you want to do or never do again? Meditate, work with a hypnotherapist or practice self-hypnosis and explore what is important to you. How much are you willing to compromise on an issue or even sacrifice an activity or belief, in order for the relationship to thrive? Give yourself permission to make room in your life for you, and practice doing something for yourself every day. Maintain and grow your self-confidence by expressing an opinion or asking questions about an issue if something doesn’t make sense to you. Give yourself permission to experience every emotion as you feel it. Sing, dance, laugh, and cry. Be present in every moment. The more interested and engaged you are with the world around you, the more interesting you will be and become to people in your life.

You will be interesting to yourself, too.

 

 

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2015

Being a Good Host

 

                In January, I had brunch with relatives I had not seen since I was about 10 years old. Last night, I saw one of those cousins again at a Passover Seder. This was the first night of Passover and, apparently, the first time he had ever experienced this holiday. I know from my hypnotherapy training how and why it is not always easy or comfortable to participate in an unfamiliar holiday or event (unknown); but he was a very enthusiastic and appreciative participant (guest) in this very interactive meal. His interest and apparent joy about being included in the Seder inspired everyone else to also pay closer attention to and appreciate the significance of the many symbolic elements of this meal.

It also reminded me how important it is to be a compassionate and involved host in order to help each guest feel welcome, relaxed, interested and interesting so everyone can have a great time.

Advice for the Host(s)

·         Do as much food and set-up preparation as possible well before the guests are due to arrive. The less rushing around you have to do, the calmer you will feel and the more relaxed you will be during your party.

·         Consider assigning seats around the dining table to facilitate introductions of specific guests or, if necessary, to separate others who do not get along.

·         Remember to breathe! Deep breathing increases the flow of oxygen throughout the body, via the bloodstream. Draw a deep breath through the nose and hold it for the count of four. Imagine, visualize, picture or pretend that you are inhaling confidence, relaxation, calm and any other positive emotions that represent to you a comfortable social interaction. At the count of four, exhale that breath through your mouth. As you exhale visualize, imagine, picture or pretend that you are releasing the anxiety, discomfort and/or any other negative emotions that you have previously associated with these kinds of social interactions. Say/repeat the following mantra: “I am very relaxed, calm and confident. With each deep breath I take, I am becoming even more relaxed, sociable and in control of everything around me. In fact, the harder I try to do or be the opposite, the more comfortable and outgoing I become/am.”

·         Take a relaxing bath and/or do some meditation to deepen your sense of relaxation. You can even do some self-hypnosis to reinforce suggestions that your party will be fun and successful in order to assuage any anticipatory anxiety about the event. These suggestions may include: “My guests will feel relaxed and enjoy meeting and inviting these new people into their lives”; and “(As the host or hostess) I release any and all worry or negative expectations and will have fun at my party.”

·         Do not assume that a guest is bored or uninterested in what is going on at your party just because the person isn’t doing much (or any) talking. It takes some people a little while to relax and feel comfortable in a social environment, let alone a bustling or structured one. Sometimes, this kind of event can be overwhelming—so much so that the physical stimuli and activities going on induce a gentle trance or light state of hypnosis!

·         Be an interested host: Ask your guests questions and listen to their replies. Invite them to participate in different aspects of the event, such as proposing a toast, helping to serve part of the meal, leading the group in prayer before the meal, etc. Not only do these kinds of activities help to integrate individuals within this new social group, they also facilitate conversations between the guests during the party.

·         Similarly, if your guest(s) offer to help you serve part of the meal or beverages, or want to help you clean up afterward, it is okay for you to accept this offer. I find that people often want to pitch in this way. It is a way for guests to show how much they appreciate the time and effort their hosts made to put on a successful event, as well as to be more involved in it.

·         Once you have introduced all of your guests to each other, do not linger to monitor these interactions. It is natural for conversations to ebb and flow. Your guests may have more or less in common with each other than you hoped or expected; however, it is out of your hands whether they a friendship or other relationship ultimately develops from this introduction.

·         Point out common interests that your guests share. This will help to break the ice and facilitate conversations. If you someone seems uncomfortable, make a point of striking up conversation with that guest. Discuss things that you know he or she is interested in and make a point of introducing that person to others at the event who are likely to share a common interest.

·         Eat protein (cheese, meat or non-meat protein substitutes, nuts, etc.) before and during the event to stabilize your blood sugar and keep your mood even.

·         Alcohol lowers inhibition and can consequently affect your mood and confidence, so avoid drinking or limit your intake of alcoholic beverages before and during your event. Similarly, even if you are serving alcohol, be sure to offer your guests nonalcoholic beverages such as water, fruit juice and even soda to drink. Restrict the amount of caffeinated beverages you drink, which can also affect blood-sugar level and your mood.

 

 

 Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

 

Your Own Room

 

                In my February 14, 2014 blog, I described seven characteristics of a successful relationship. Each of these factors is equally important in this context, but one—separate interests—is imperative for ensuring individual growth in and outside of the relationship. Let me explain.

                Whether we are discussing a platonic friendship or a romantic partnership, two people enter a relationship because they are attracted not just to the similarities and mutual interests they share but also the differences between them. The expression “opposites attract” really is true: We are attracted to people who possess skills, characteristics and experiences that are different from our own. It is natural to consciously adopt some of the other person’s interests and to subconsciously mimic some facial expressions, mannerisms and beliefs during the course of the relationship. After spending time together, people tend to focus on and emphasize those similarities as a way to demonstrate that their relationship really is meant to be. (Have you ever noticed how couples that have been together for a long time, such as your parents or grandparents, even start to look alike?)

Ironically, when one (or both) of you forfeits your unique traits or interests to be more “like” the other person the relationship may falter. Rather than closing any space between you, abandoning your individuality can inadvertently cause the other person to lose some interest in you. Whether the relationship continues to thrive or eventually ends, you want to have a foundation on which you can continue to enjoy doing the things you always have, with or without the other person in your life.

If you want share a healthy relationship with someone else, start by nurturing your relationship with yourself. What do you enjoy doing? What do you want to do or never do again? Meditate, work with a hypnotherapist or practice self-hypnosis and explore what is important to you. How much are you willing to compromise on an issue or even sacrifice an activity or belief, in order for the relationship to thrive? Give yourself permission to make room in your life for you, and practice doing something for yourself every day. Maintain and grow your self-confidence by expressing an opinion or asking questions about an issue if something doesn’t make sense to you. Sing, dance, laugh, and cry. Give yourself permission to experience every emotion as you feel it. Be present in every moment. The more interested and engaged you are with the world around you, the more interesting you will be and become to people in your life.

You will be interesting to yourself, too.

 

 

 

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

Wake-Up Call

Photo by Sara Fogan

 

                I love mountains. I love their power and majesty as they tower over the tallest buildings. I love how invigorated I feel when I am in their midst, breathing in the clean, fresh air and enjoying the scent of the pine trees that cover this landscape and not the pollution that often covers the city over a mile below. Of course, mountains are the product of a powerful force of nature that many people in Los Angeles experienced early Monday morning: earthquakes.

California is no stranger to earthquakes. Anyone who experienced the 1989 San Francisco or the 1994 Northridge quakes knows how deadly and destructive they can be. Consequently, public-service announcements regularly remind us to prepare for the Big One (it’s coming!). The local news features stories about seismic activity that has occurred in other parts of the world and reminds residents to store enough food and water to last five days, in case it happens tomorrow. Many people who lived through it still reminisce about the Northridge quake as if it just happened. But even a comparatively minor one like the temblor we had yesterday—it was only a 4.4 magnitude, compared to the 6.7 magnitude of the one 20 years ago—is terrifying and disorienting. They also trigger our two most basic emotional reactions, as described in John Kappas, Ph.D.’s Theory of Mind: fear of loud noises and fear of falling.

When the ground starts to move, buildings creak and groan as the structures sway or collapse on their foundations. Furniture and the objects resting on them, books standing on shelves or pictures hanging on the walls, may crash to the floor. The ground moves beneath our feet and can trigger vertigo and the innate fear of falling. Even if you never experienced an earthquake before, you probably know already knew enough about this phenomenon to be concerned for your safety when the shaking started yesterday morning. Everyone who has felt an earthquake before probably did feel genuinely, understandably scared yesterday. However, this fear was not just about the disorienting physical sensations we experienced, but the violence of our anticipatory anxiety that was also triggered when the shaking started.

According to Dr. Kappas, anticipatory anxiety is an example of the fight/flight response, whereby a person instinctively prepares himself or herself to face a potential threat based on previous experience that the threat exists. “You’ve had the panic [and] you start worrying it will recur. You’re more affected by what you think will happen,” he observed. When the shaking started it triggered many people’s memories of the last Big One and their anticipatory anxiety about what could happen, this time. This is how it started/what it felt like last time. There is nowhere to go! There was so much damage to my house! The neighbor had a heart-attack. Two homes in the neighborhood were condemned… Many people were still sleeping (and had not yet eaten breakfast) when the quake started, so a lower blood-sugar-level may have also exacerbated the physiological sensations that can occur during a fear or phobic response. In just the few seconds that the earthquake lasted, heart-rates accelerated and breathing became shallow. Some people may have started to sweat profusely, felt dizzy or confused, and even experienced tunnel vision as they were reminded that they have no control over the environment (at that moment).

Fortunately, yesterday’s earthquake caused no significant damage to buildings, and no one was injured or killed. It was, however, a well-timed reminder to us all of how the beautiful mountains that surround Los Angeles, came to be. As Dr. Lucy Jones, a seismologist with the United States Geological Survey, explained during a press conference yesterday, we do live in an earthquake zone, and the Big One is coming. None of us have control over when, where and how large the movement of those tectonic plates beneath us will be. However, we absolutely can and do have control over our response next time they do.

Take these hours and days when the memory of the fear and “flight” response is still fresh in your mind, and write a new mental script that focuses on and will activate the “fight” response. Make and rehearse an emergency plan with your family so everyone knows where to go, what to do and who to contact if there you need to reunite somewhere after the quake. Know where your gas meter is located on your property and be able to turn the gas off to prevent a leak. Participate in the earthquake “drills” at your school/college and in your neighborhood so you know what to do during and where to go after the earthquake. Learn CPR so you can provide first aid to the injured. Memorize the access routes into and out of your community if you need to evacuate the area. Pack the recommended quantity of food and water for you, your family and your pets—and make sure these supplies are accessible if you need to grab them in a hurry. Create a list of neighbors and out-of-state friends or relatives whom you can contact to send a message to loved ones about your health and whereabouts in case the phone lines are down after the earthquake. Learn breathing and relaxation techniques—even self-hypnosis—that you can use to be calm and focused during and after the earthquake, which will enable you to help yourself and others survive the days and weeks to come.

For more information about earthquake preparedness, go to www.redcross.org.

               

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014