(This blog was originally posted on May 19, 2014)
The Brady Bunch.
The Partridge Family. Eight Is Enough. The Ingalls
family of Little House on the Prairie and the
Walton family of The Waltons. The
Corleones of The Godfather. The Ewings of Dallas and the
Cartwrights of Bonanza. These are just a
few iconic examples of television families that I grew up with. More recently,
there are the five ruling clans in George R.R. Martin’s Game of Thrones series,
and the extended Grantham family of Downton Abbey. While no one
in my family was (or is) really like any of the characters in these fictional
families, we all share the respect, loyalty, love and rivalry that characterize
a familial bond. These fictitious families taught each other important lessons
about how to enjoy the benefits of and negotiate the specific challenges that
existed in their world. They learned how it feels to “belong” in a group and to
feel protected by people who would sacrifice everything and anything to keep
them safe.
This
is not to say that families or specific members in a family are always easy to
deal with or that the conflicts which can flare up between them are always
simple or comfortable to resolve. Some family feuds go on so long that the
members who were involved in the original quarrel have died or simply don’t know
or remember why they are fighting,
only that they are fighting. However,
have you ever noticed what happens if someone outside of the family unit
threatens the family or one of its members? The family closes ranks and creates
a virtual wagon circle around the individual who is under attack: “It’s one
thing for me to say or do something to hurt someone in my family, but don’t you even try it!”
A
sweet dessert and a glass of milk are a common panacea for most causes of hurt
and disappointment that occurs in television families. However, patience,
compassion/empathy and willingness to compromise are keys to achieving true
conflict resolution in real-life families. It can be (and often is) hard work
to try to understand why someone you love and who is supposed to love you could
have done or said that incredibly hurtful thing. It is even more challenging,
but equally necessary, to also take a hard look at how you may have contributed
to the fight by something you said or
did, whether these actions were intentional or not. It is challenging to offer
an apology and admit when you are wrong, but it can also be challenging to
graciously accept an apology from someone who hurt you and then work together to move past that painful
event.
Whatever
your “family” looks like, this relationship—or lack thereof—is one of the most
important ones that you will probably experience during your lifetime. Even if
you do not share genetic material (the “nature” component) with anyone in it,
you will have scores of memories of shared experiences with the person(s) who
raised you (the “nurture” component). Whoever was your primary caretaker helped
to establish your suggestibility (how you learn); you would have likely modeled
your personality after the person who was a secondary caretaker for you growing
up. You can (and probably have) compared notes about your upbringing with your
siblings to make sure that everyone got the same treatment. You might be
surprised at the similarities between how your parents raised their children,
how your aunts and uncles raised your cousins, and even how your grandparents
raised your parents. Even if longtime
friends and even a spouse or lover drift out of your life, the bonds you share
with one or both parents, a sibling (or several) and more distant relatives
tend to be more permanent. Like it or not, family is (usually) here to stay.
Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a
certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with
honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more
information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.
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