Your Own Room

 

                In my February 14, 2014 blog, I described seven characteristics of a successful relationship. Each of these factors is equally important in this context, but one—separate interests—is imperative for ensuring individual growth in and outside of the relationship. Let me explain.

                Whether we are discussing a platonic friendship or a romantic partnership, two people enter a relationship because they are attracted not just to the similarities and mutual interests they share but also the differences between them. The expression “opposites attract” really is true: We are attracted to people who possess skills, characteristics and experiences that are different from our own. It is natural to consciously adopt some of the other person’s interests and to subconsciously mimic some facial expressions, mannerisms and beliefs during the course of the relationship. After spending time together, people tend to focus on and emphasize those similarities as a way to demonstrate that their relationship really is meant to be. (Have you ever noticed how couples that have been together for a long time, such as your parents or grandparents, even start to look alike?)

Ironically, when one (or both) of you forfeits your unique traits or interests to be more “like” the other person the relationship may falter. Rather than closing any space between you, abandoning your individuality can inadvertently cause the other person to lose some interest in you. Whether the relationship continues to thrive or eventually ends, you want to have a foundation on which you can continue to enjoy doing the things you always have, with or without the other person in your life.

If you want share a healthy relationship with someone else, start by nurturing your relationship with yourself. What do you enjoy doing? What do you want to do or never do again? Meditate, work with a hypnotherapist or practice self-hypnosis and explore what is important to you. How much are you willing to compromise on an issue or even sacrifice an activity or belief, in order for the relationship to thrive? Give yourself permission to make room in your life for you, and practice doing something for yourself every day. Maintain and grow your self-confidence by expressing an opinion or asking questions about an issue if something doesn’t make sense to you. Sing, dance, laugh, and cry. Give yourself permission to experience every emotion as you feel it. Be present in every moment. The more interested and engaged you are with the world around you, the more interesting you will be and become to people in your life.

You will be interesting to yourself, too.

 

 

 

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

Wake-Up Call

Photo by Sara Fogan

 

                I love mountains. I love their power and majesty as they tower over the tallest buildings. I love how invigorated I feel when I am in their midst, breathing in the clean, fresh air and enjoying the scent of the pine trees that cover this landscape and not the pollution that often covers the city over a mile below. Of course, mountains are the product of a powerful force of nature that many people in Los Angeles experienced early Monday morning: earthquakes.

California is no stranger to earthquakes. Anyone who experienced the 1989 San Francisco or the 1994 Northridge quakes knows how deadly and destructive they can be. Consequently, public-service announcements regularly remind us to prepare for the Big One (it’s coming!). The local news features stories about seismic activity that has occurred in other parts of the world and reminds residents to store enough food and water to last five days, in case it happens tomorrow. Many people who lived through it still reminisce about the Northridge quake as if it just happened. But even a comparatively minor one like the temblor we had yesterday—it was only a 4.4 magnitude, compared to the 6.7 magnitude of the one 20 years ago—is terrifying and disorienting. They also trigger our two most basic emotional reactions, as described in John Kappas, Ph.D.’s Theory of Mind: fear of loud noises and fear of falling.

When the ground starts to move, buildings creak and groan as the structures sway or collapse on their foundations. Furniture and the objects resting on them, books standing on shelves or pictures hanging on the walls, may crash to the floor. The ground moves beneath our feet and can trigger vertigo and the innate fear of falling. Even if you never experienced an earthquake before, you probably know already knew enough about this phenomenon to be concerned for your safety when the shaking started yesterday morning. Everyone who has felt an earthquake before probably did feel genuinely, understandably scared yesterday. However, this fear was not just about the disorienting physical sensations we experienced, but the violence of our anticipatory anxiety that was also triggered when the shaking started.

According to Dr. Kappas, anticipatory anxiety is an example of the fight/flight response, whereby a person instinctively prepares himself or herself to face a potential threat based on previous experience that the threat exists. “You’ve had the panic [and] you start worrying it will recur. You’re more affected by what you think will happen,” he observed. When the shaking started it triggered many people’s memories of the last Big One and their anticipatory anxiety about what could happen, this time. This is how it started/what it felt like last time. There is nowhere to go! There was so much damage to my house! The neighbor had a heart-attack. Two homes in the neighborhood were condemned… Many people were still sleeping (and had not yet eaten breakfast) when the quake started, so a lower blood-sugar-level may have also exacerbated the physiological sensations that can occur during a fear or phobic response. In just the few seconds that the earthquake lasted, heart-rates accelerated and breathing became shallow. Some people may have started to sweat profusely, felt dizzy or confused, and even experienced tunnel vision as they were reminded that they have no control over the environment (at that moment).

Fortunately, yesterday’s earthquake caused no significant damage to buildings, and no one was injured or killed. It was, however, a well-timed reminder to us all of how the beautiful mountains that surround Los Angeles, came to be. As Dr. Lucy Jones, a seismologist with the United States Geological Survey, explained during a press conference yesterday, we do live in an earthquake zone, and the Big One is coming. None of us have control over when, where and how large the movement of those tectonic plates beneath us will be. However, we absolutely can and do have control over our response next time they do.

Take these hours and days when the memory of the fear and “flight” response is still fresh in your mind, and write a new mental script that focuses on and will activate the “fight” response. Make and rehearse an emergency plan with your family so everyone knows where to go, what to do and who to contact if there you need to reunite somewhere after the quake. Know where your gas meter is located on your property and be able to turn the gas off to prevent a leak. Participate in the earthquake “drills” at your school/college and in your neighborhood so you know what to do during and where to go after the earthquake. Learn CPR so you can provide first aid to the injured. Memorize the access routes into and out of your community if you need to evacuate the area. Pack the recommended quantity of food and water for you, your family and your pets—and make sure these supplies are accessible if you need to grab them in a hurry. Create a list of neighbors and out-of-state friends or relatives whom you can contact to send a message to loved ones about your health and whereabouts in case the phone lines are down after the earthquake. Learn breathing and relaxation techniques—even self-hypnosis—that you can use to be calm and focused during and after the earthquake, which will enable you to help yourself and others survive the days and weeks to come.

For more information about earthquake preparedness, go to www.redcross.org.

               

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014