(This blog was originally posted on August 4, 2014)
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| Image courtesy of Microsoft |
In 1967,
psychiatrists Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe conducted a study to identify
which stressful life events cause physical illness.1 They published
the results of this study as the Social Readjustment Rating Scale. It comes as
little or no surprise that Holmes and Rahe’s research rated death of a spouse,
divorce and marital separation, respectively, as the three most stressful life
events. Whatever the cause, letting go of a relationship can be very difficult
and painful. For some people, it is traumatic. In this blog, I explain how
experiencing grief and working through the five stages of loss during
hypnotherapy can help you accept that the relationship is finished.
When someone is having trouble
accepting that the relationship is over, Hypnosis
Motivation Institute founder John
Kappas, Ph.D., advised taking the client through the stages of grief and
loss2 during hypnotherapy. Although there are five stages of loss,
it is important to remember that not everyone experiences each stage of grief
or even go through them consecutively. It is also possible to repeat these
stages and to experience one or more at the same time.
·
Stage 1: Denial, characterized by shock and
numbness, and refusing to accept that the relationship is over.
· Stage 2: Resentment. Anger at the other
person(s) in the relationship or anyone else who is around.
· Stage 3: Bargaining, wherein the person tries to
make a deal with God, themselves and other people in his or her life to just
get the person/relationship back.
· Stage 4: Grief. This stage is characterized by
crying and/or emotional withdrawal. (If the person is crying excessively, I
would also require a medical or psychological referral so I could address this
issue in hypnosis.)
· Stage 5: Resolution. During this final stage of
grief and mourning, the person starts to get his or her life back on track. The
individual begins to feel more hopeful and accepts the fact that the
relationship is over, the other person(s) is not coming back.
Remember: the emotional pain we experience at the end of a significant relationship isn’t just sadness about the person who is no longer in our lives. We also feel pain because we have lost or can no longer follow an important mental script or “known” in our subconscious mind. Regardless of the quality of that bond, disengaging from it and the habits or behaviors you have practiced during the relationship entails breaking script. Now, you must venture into the unknown experience of being independent from that relationship. I use therapeutic guided imagery to facilitate the process of forgiveness—of the self and the other person(s)—to help you heal and leave the finished relationship behind. I also employ guided imagery to help you relax and increase/rebuild your self-confidence, improve your self-esteem and reinforce your self-image as you forge this new path.
It is only when we can say goodbye with love
and respect to the lost relationship and the person(s) we shared it with that we
can truly move forward in our lives.
1)
Holmes TH, Rahe RH (1967). "The Social
Readjustment Rating Scale". J Psychosom Res 11 (2): 213–8.
2) Kübler-Ross, E. (1969) On Death and
Dying, Routledge, ISBN 0-415-04015-9
Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in
Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation
Institute in 2005. For more
information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an
appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.
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