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| Photo by Rick Hustead |
Orcas (killer whales) do it. So do wolves and elephants. And in some
cultures, more and more often, humans do it, too.
I am talking about Alloparenting.
This is when individuals in a group other than/in addition to a
youngster’s parents participate in raising the child. For example, in Israel
children may be raised in a kibbutz where they spend only a few hours each day with
their own parents; instead, all the
adults in the community help to raise the kids. Young athletes and dancers/performers
often spend a majority of time living and training at facilities away from home
and their families. Sure, their parents and academic tutors affect these kids’
lives; but the coach or dance/acting instructor’s advice is likely more
influential. Apparently, before the Rio
2016 Olympics all five members of the United
States women’s gymnastics team moved into their Olympic coach’s home so
they could prepare for the Olympics. If any of these women felt homesick or got
nervous about the stress of this major competition, they would have sought and
received reassurance from their coach Márta Károlyi,
not Mom or Dad.
I know many people who count at least one grandparent as a primary
caregiver while mom and dad were at work. Families with a lot of children
often enlist the older siblings to take on some roles more traditionally
allocated to parents, such as transporting the younger kids to and from school,
helping with homework or even preparing meals. Even when parents do have a
significant role in their upbringing, siblings may even find themselves in the
role of mentor to a younger brother or sister. After all, doesn’t advice about relationships
and sex, how to negotiate social rites of passage at school, etc., seem so much
more relevant and relatable when it comes from someone is perceived as less
authoritarian, than a parent?
Another benefit of alloparenting comes to the parents, themselves.
First-time parents might get support and advice from their own parents or
grandparents to help get through the first week, or night, with a newborn in
the home. If her own mother, sister or aunt isn’t around, a new mom might alternatively
turn to a close friend or other women in her “Mommy-and-Me” program with more
experience in this role for advice and even practical support.
I am very fortunate to be able to consider the parents of my two best
friends—who are like sisters to me, anyway—as surrogate parents. I met the
entire family on my eighth birthday when they moved into the house across the
street from us. As I grew up, I was alternately close with different members of
the family, but Amy (the mom) introduced me to my first riding teacher and has
continued to encourage my passion for horses and riding throughout my life.
Paul (the dad) used to take his kids, me and my sister to the park, the movies
and even taught us how to play basketball when we were little. When I returned
to the United States after living in England for seven years, he and Amy would
invite me over for “steak night” every Saturday night. Although I no longer eat
meat, the memories of those evenings are among my favorite and most special. I
could confide my feelings, hopes and fears to friends who were not my parents
but still had a parental privilege/influence and perspective about how I went
and tend to go through the world. They could provide a more objective
perspective about a situation without fear of getting involved in family drama.
The plethora of collective life experience that other relatives and/or
even close friends who participate in raising a child cannot be under-estimated
or under-valued. I appreciate all of
the parents in my life.
Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified
hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors
from the Hypnosis Motivation
Institute in 2005. For more
information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an
appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.
© 2016
