(This blog was originally posted on May 30, 2014)
“Worry
is love. How will your children know you love them if you don’t
worry
about them?” -- Anonymous
When
I came upon that quote a few weeks ago, I knew I had to address this sentiment
in a blog. Have you ever loved someone so much that it is physically painful to
imagine anything or anyone hurting that person? Have you ever loved someone so
much that, to assuage this worry (i.e., self-inflicted pain), you tried to
control and even micro-manage the other person’s activities to prevent this
misfortune to such an extent that neither of you could live your own, authentic
life?
Not
only does this preoccupation cause anxiety in the person who is doing the
worrying, it also induces stress in the object of our affection. It is can feel
difficult to breathe, let alone live, when we feel as though someone else is
dictating how we are going through our lives. And here is another thought to
consider: if energy attracts like energy, worrying (negative energy) about a
possible disaster can attract that which you are trying to avoid (negative
outcome). Now imagine this dynamic in the context of toxic worry. While you are
so concerned about your loved one’s well-being, your mind starts to wander to
those dark scenarios in which some kind of emotional or physical disaster
befalls that person. And then you might become anxious or stressed out because
you’re worried that your worry caused
whatever happened. And, so on.
Stop it.
While I was
completing my hypnotherapy certification at the Hypnosis
Motivation Institute, one of my favorite instructors, the late Marc
Gravelle often warned us about the perils of “toxic worry.” It is characterized
by the trap (never-ending circle) of wondering “What if X happens…?” and then
even worrying about being worried about that dilemma. I believe that the
anxiety people often feel about whether their loved ones fully appreciate the
depth and sincerity of this devotion falls into this kind of toxic worry.
Loving someone
can be a beautiful experience, but it is not possible, nor should it be
possible, to control whether that person reciprocates that sentiment. In an
ideal world, parents love their children and want/work hard to keep them safe
and secure. Parents’ behavior influences their children’s developing
suggestibility and personality, as well as teaches (directly and by example)
how to negotiating various life challenges and even moral dilemmas. But perhaps
the most import part of raising a child is allowing that youngster to live and
experiment (within reason) so that he or she can eventually leave the family
home and live as an independent adult.
There is no way
to guarantee that the information, wisdom and example you provide will
completely protect your child from any of the possible misfortunes that you are
worried might affect him or her. In fact, some of our greatest life lessons are
those painful or challenging ones we all have to go through at some point. Do
yourself and your loved ones a favor and avoid the trap of toxic worry about possible
consequences of a situation that have not and may not even arise. Instead, spend
that valuable time talking to and teaching your child to behave and follow the
morals and ethics that are important to you. Take an emotional step or two back
and remove yourself from the very center of your child’s life to give him or
her that opportunity to prove that the youngster deserves your trust and can/will
make good decisions. You may well find that your willingness to allow your
child to live his or her life will not only alleviate your toxic worry, but
will also motivate him or her to want the guidance you long to provide.
Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a
certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with
honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more
information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.
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2015
