(This blog was originally posted on April 18, 2014)
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| Photo courtesy of Sara Fogan |
Someone I knew in college once
told me, “Every relationship has a shelf life.” As I look back on the past
twenty or thirty years of my life, I am starting to appreciate what she meant. Over
time, it is natural to grow out of the hobbies and habits that used to
preoccupy us. (Do you remember Atari video
games?) The crushes on pop stars and television or movie stars that once
fascinated us when we were teenagers are replaced by one true love that meant
the world to us—and even that relationship eventually runs its course. But life
goes on, and we continue pursue some old and new interests; we create strong
new social bonds. It is often sad to acknowledge that no matter how hard we try
to fight this process and hang on to that part of ourselves we have started to
outgrow, this fight can rarely be “won.” On the other hand, when we accept that
such growth and change in ourselves and others is a natural part of living, it is possible to enjoy a very long-lived
(and evolved) friendship.
In my blog
titled “7
Keys to a Successful Long-Term Relationship,” I described seven components
that characterize a successful romantic partnership. Most of these factors are
also present in a long-term, successful platonic friendship: like each other,
trust each other, respect each other, mutual interests, separate interests,
good communication. This is certainly true of my friendship with two women I
have known since I was eight years old.
We rarely have
a chance to spend time all together anymore since one of my friends, Jennifer, is
living her dream in New York City. Joy, her sister, is newly married and lives
in Northern California. But despite the distances between us, we continue to share
secrets and confidences over the phone or in letters, cards or e-mails. We can still
laugh at or cry about the same shared memory. We provide emotional support to
help each other overcome a fear or reassurance if one of us feels nervous
or anxious. One of my friends persuaded me to read the Harry Potter
books—the U.S. version, even though I once vowed I would only read them in the
original U.K. format. She also introduced me to sushi and music by one of her
favorite bands; I have become a Bon Jovi
fan, too. Her sister and I remain loyal fans of a long-running afternoon soap
opera and Dallas (original and new
series). I entertain them by reminding my friends of that day, many years ago,
when “X” event happened, and I even remember what day of the week it was.
Of course,
there are differences between us, too. There are probably more differences than
similarities these days, since we lead such different lives now. We each have
friends that the others have never met, hobbies that don’t interest each other,
jobs that we can’t imagine doing—or know how to start to do in the first place.
Ten or fifteen years ago, these disparities and the idea of growing up and away
from them definitely alarmed me. But I have learned that even though many things
have changed in each of our lives and time continues to fly by, everything is
okay. I really, truly like, trust and respect the good communication, mutual
interests and separate interests that cement our friendship.
And I love them. (I love you too, Carl.)
Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.
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