(This blog was originally
posted on April 23, 2014)
Elton
John sings, “‘Sorry’ seems to be the hardest word.” That may be true; but
‘no’—the key word in assertiveness, in my opinion—is right up there in the
Number Two position of difficulty for so many people to say, especially females.
I often wonder why that is. Perhaps it has to do with the texture of the words,
themselves. The definite, hard consonant “n” and then a long “o” gives the
pronunciation and enunciation of no a cold, harsh sound. In comparison,
the sometimes-vowel “y”, short “e” and the soft, drawn out “s” when we say yes
create an almost musical or lyrical sound. Yes is a nice word to
hear and say.
This
point brings me to the implication and connotations associated with each of
these words. From early childhood, we learn to associate positive emotions and
experiences—such as presents, treats and rewards, with yes; whereas
adherence to strict rules, criticism and/or punishment tend to go with no.
What child has not categorized a parent, guardian or teacher who says yes a
lot as being “nice,” compared to the adult who expects Johnny and Sue to be on
their best behavior and do their homework before they get to go outside to
play? Even in adulthood, it is natural to prefer the company of someone who does
what we like and want them to do, compared to an individual who will not go
along with our plans or desires just to please us, if doing so won’t benefit
the other person. In the heat of the moment, it is impossible to understand the
motives and inner fortitude of people who can say “no” without blinking an eye and
refuse to back down: how come they are so stubborn? Sometimes, we even resent them for their
willingness to stand up and fight for their beliefs, especially when this
stance blocks or interferes with our plans. And yet, these are the people many
of us secretly admire and want to be like.
Self-confidence
and self-esteem are key components behind the willingness to say yes and
the ability to say no. Neither trait is automatic, nor are they mutually
inclusive: It is possible to be very confident but have very low self-esteem
(self-value), and vice versa. When I work with a client to help the person
become more assertive, one of the first things I do is assess and, if
necessary, increase the person’s self-confidence and strengthen his or her
self-esteem. This work is imperative because it shores up the person’s defenses
against negative self-chatter and suggestibility to other people’s criticism as
he or she works to achieve this vocational and avocational self-improvement
goal. Next, I use relaxation and therapeutic guided-imagery techniques in
hypnosis to help the person rehearse using the assertive behaviors. This
exercise not only creates a new known in the subconscious mind that he or she can
be assertive, it reinforces the person’s confidence that he or she can use this
new skill effectively and successfully in the real world.
No
isn’t so hard to say, after all.
Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified
hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors
from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information
about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.
© 2014
