(This blog was originally posted on July 10, 2014)
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| Photo by Sara Fogan |
Passive-aggressive
behavior is one of the most common ways that we sabotage ourselves. According
to developmental psychologist Erik Erikson, it usually
starts very early in life: between the ages of 3 and 6 years old (although as
young as 18 months is possible). During this time, which Erikson characterized
as the play-age/loco-motor stage of development, a child is learning the
difference between right and wrong behavior, on his or her way to learning to
become independent.
To facilitate
healthy development at this stage, Erikson believed that children should be
encouraged to be creative and use their imagination when they play. In
addition, they should be allowed to play adult roles and assert their
individuality by taking initiative and doing things on their own. Otherwise, they
may develop a sense of guilt and believe that everything they do is “wrong.” When
children are not allowed or is discouraged from expressing their feelings, they
may try to punish their parents for causing this discomfort. When they continue
this behavior as adults, however, they become the object of this punishment,
Erikson warned.
“A
passive-aggressive person first believes that asserting himself will cause him
pain, so he backs off from people who challenge him,” John Kappas, Ph.D., explained. However,
even if the individual initially seems very passive and cooperative, the
objective in this behavior is to teach someone a lesson. Passive-aggression is
self-sabotaging and is at the passive-aggressive person’s expense, such as
quitting a job before being fired, the Hypnosis
Motivation Institute founder explained.
For example,
even if a person wants to have a successful career in a specific vocation, he
or she may find reasons to not pursue this goal. The individual may decide that
it is taking too long to achieve that goal, even though the person is already
very good at this job. It may even be true that he or she could earn more money
doing something else instead of wasting precious time learning prerequisite
skills to advance and achieve the desired career. But that is what the
conscious mind—the area of will-power/free will, decision-making, reason and
logic—says. This is what the subconscious mind, which still follows an
early-life mental script, says: “You will never be good/talented/smart enough
to do that.” This belief is the actual reason why the person will actually walk
away from that “dream” job.
My role as this
person’s hypnotherapist would be to change his or her mental script by helping
to increase his or her self-confidence and perception of self-worth. I would
also help the individual change the passive-aggressive tendencies to
assertiveness by setting realistic career goals, following through with goals
and reinforcing his or her new self-confidence (behaviors and beliefs). Finally,
I would teach my client about the Mental Bank Concept
and incorporate it in the person’s daily life to reinforce these new behaviors
and perception (belief) of self-worth.
For more information
about passive-aggressive behavior, read my blog titled “Passive-Aggressive
Behavior.” You can also find out more about how the Mental Bank process
works in my July 7, 2014 blog titled “Introduction
to the Mental Bank Concept” or watch the free online video about this topic
at http://www.hypnosis.edu/streaming/#Mental-Bank-Program.
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Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in
Southern California. She graduated with honors from the
Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about
Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.
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