(This blog was originally posted on August 3, 2018)
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| Image courtesy of Microsoft |
I recently read
a quote from Redefining Refuge which really resonated with me: “Cutting people
out of your life doesn’t mean you hate them, it simply means you respect
yourself. Not everyone is meant to stay.” Think about it: children are born,
grow up and eventually move out of the family home. They may attend college,
get married and start their own families; or, they choose a vocation and start
their career, perhaps moving out of state (or out of the country) to establish
their own lives. Changing and moving on is part of living; growing up
emotionally as well as physically and chronologically. While these separations
are initially hard for both the parents and the “kids,” that doesn’t mean these
life transitions should not occur.
Just as we grow
up and outgrow our roles as children in the family home, we can also outgrow
the relationships we have forged during the course of our lives. As we mature, it
is natural to develop different and separate interests from the ones we shared
with our childhood and school friends. We often away from friendships and romantic
relationships we have enjoyed as adults. But, why shouldn’t this occur? We
continue to grow and mature every minute of our lives. It is not so unusual to
discover that the things that you couldn’t imagine liking or wanting to do at
seventeen have become sources of profound enjoyment at thirty-seven. If the
relationship devolves from friendship and respect to resentment and even
physical and/or physical abuse, it is time to cut those ties and move on to a
healthier relationship and a safer environment. But knowing this doesn’t make
it easier to do. Does it?
It isn’t just
that we continue to feel strong emotions about or bonds to the other person
that makes this separation so difficult. Rather, per John Kappas, Ph.D.’s Theory
of Mind, it is so difficult to “leave” a relationship we have outgrown because
we must give up a powerful known in
our subconscious mind. This relationship and the person(s) we share it with
have become part of our mental script; the longer we have been following this
script by interacting in loving and respectful ways with the other person, the
more difficult it is to stop following that script. The same is also true if
and when we have been following an unloving and disrespectful or abusive
script. Even if you do not or no longer have positive feelings about the other
person or people, this separation may be painful because you must venture into
the unknown experience of being
independent from that relationship. Regardless of the quality of that bond, disengaging
from it and the habits or behaviors you have practiced during the relationship entails
breaking script.
Whatever the
cause, letting go of a relationship can be very difficult and painful. In the
next blog, I will explain how experiencing grief and the five stages of loss
during hypnotherapy can help accept that the relationship is finished. When we
are able to say goodbye with love and respect, we can move forward in our lives
and so can they.
Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern
California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation
Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®
and to set up an appointment, please
visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.
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