(This blog was
originally posted on August 4, 2016)
 |
| Photo by Rick Hustead |
“The difficulty lies not
so much in developing new ideas
as in escaping from old
ones.” – J. M. Keynes
Many years ago, an aerobics teacher commented to my class that the
discomfort of childbirth is the only kind of natural, “healthy” pain we should
experience. Every other kind or source indicates that something is very wrong in the body and should
receive immediate attention. This warning is also true of emotional pain—or, it
certainly should be—but it is so
often disregarded or even intentionally ignored to return to the source or
cause of that pain. Why?
When I explain “Theory
of Mind,” I often use the example of how individuals frequently return to
an abusive romantic partner to explain how even a painful experience can be
associated with the familiarity of what is known. From very early childhood we
are taught to associate physical pain and discomfort as negative, bad, something to be avoided or fixed
right away. Conversely, in an effort
to avoid conflict or even a physical altercation we repeat the mantra, “Sticks
and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” We are encouraged
to ignore the verbal slights and barbs and do whatever is necessary to maintain
peace in the environment. (This model also applies in a physically abusive
relationship.) We learn to look the other way or look for the good, positive
attributes once attracted us to him or her and enter the relationship. Over
time, every time we repeat this behavior and return to the source of the pain,
we are actually reinforcing the subconscious known which provides that temporary
comfort of familiarity in the relationship.
As Hypnosis Motivation Institute
founder John Kappas, Ph.D. explained, we are all subconsciously motivated to
maintain and/or restore a known physical
and emotional status of comfort and security. Since the
subconscious mind is motivated and even programmed to seek this comfort, we naturally,
repeatedly gravitate toward the source of that comfortable, secure state until
something or someone is available to replace that familiar stimulus. In some
respects this response can be likened to addictive behaviors: Every positive
gesture or response the person receives is an emotional reward that literally
lights up the pleasure areas of the brain. However, when the response is
negative—hurtful or even abusive—the subconscious association of familiarity in
this situation knowing that it will likely turn around again is equally if not
more powerful. No matter how frustrating and even humiliating the “pain” of
that rejection is, the lingering hope that the situation will turn around and
the negative behavior will actually change keeps us toughing out the temporary
pain, luring us back.
Fortunately,
hypnotherapy and guided
imagery can help you change this behavior pattern by replacing and rewriting the subconscious mental script
that has been keeping you in this pattern for so long. A hypnotherapeutic
process called de-loving is also extremely effective to help dissolve the
subconscious associations to the feelings and emotions that you carry for the
other person and/or relationship. Instead of erasing any memories of the other
person or situation, however, de-loving helps you return to a neutral and even
indifferent attitude that enables you to focus on yourself, personal goals and
other (more) important areas of your life.
For
more information about this topic and to set up an appointment with me, call or
send a text to (661) 433-9430 or send an e-mail to me at calminsensehypnosis@yahoo.com.
Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified
hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors
from the Hypnosis Motivation
Institute in 2005. For more
information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an
appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.
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