Lying and Passive-Aggressive Behavior

(This blog was originally posted on November 28, 2016)

Photo by Rick Hustead

Lying, losing syndrome, procrastination, the desire to control authority and a tendency to lose a job/ get fired are all manifestations of passive-aggressive behavior, observed Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder John Kappas Ph.D. and his colleague, psychiatrist Dr. Ron Hodges, M.D. Furthermore, a passive-aggressive person typically has very childlike, neurotic behavior, low-self-esteem, is not assertive and tends to be impulsive. This person also tells lies to control authority figures and avoid conflict with other people. The decision to tell the truth (or not) depends on how the person believes or expects the other party to react, Dr. Kappas explained. However, these deceptions usually only make the situation worse for the person.

“Sooner or later, lies catch up with you,” he said.

According to developmental psychologist Erik Erikson, passive-aggressive behavior typically begins between the ages of three and six years. This age span is categorized as the third, or play age/loco-motor stage of development, when the youngster is developing a sense of independence. At this age, a child is motivated to try new things and show initiative. However, if the parents/guardians discourage or even punish the child for asserting independence this way, he or she is likely to become angry, frustrated and/or guilty and behave in various ways to “punish” the parents, Dr. Kappas said.

However, it is the passive-aggressive person who typically suffers the consequences of this behavior. For example, a child may insist that he doesn’t have to use the toilet before going on a car trip and then wets his pants five minutes into the journey. In adulthood, this behavior may carry over so the person sabotages his career. If there are conflicts in a romantic relationship, the person may leave clues that she is having an affair so the partner deduces what is going on without her actually having to confess about the other relationship.

To help a client resolve such passive-aggressive behavior, Dr. Kappas recommended working to increase the person’s self-confidence and self-esteem. “The lying will decrease as confidence builds.” The next step is to expose and desensitize the person to different situations that could trigger the lying response. The hypnotherapist should also work with the client to be able to face people and diplomatically resolve conflicts, which will also reduce the urge to tell a lie, the HMI founder added.

It is important to construct a framework in which a client can cognitively, consciously identify and understand how and why he uses passive-aggressive behavior to deal with a conflict. In hypnosis, therapeutic techniques such as role-playing, hypnodrama or guided imagery can help identify, address and desensitize the person to various stimuli that trigger lying. (For example, have the client imagine talking to the boss to ask for a raise.) While the person is relaxed and in hypnosis, the hypnotherapist should give suggestions that replace the person’s negative/self-destructive behaviors (e.g., passive-aggression) with constructive beliefs about increased self-worth/self-confidence and positive behaviors (e.g., problem-solving skills).

Hypnotherapy for Weight Loss

This 10-week weight-loss package is designed to help you shed extra pounds using hypnosis and therapeutic guided-imagery techniques. It is customized to your specific weight-loss goal, and materials are provided at each weekly session to help you keep track of your progress and maintain motivation throughout this program. In addition, a complimentary recording of the hypnosis portion of each session (CD or digital file) is provided at the end of each appointment to reinforce what you worked on that week. 

$1,250 for 10-week series. (This is a $250 savings!)  

Fee must be paid at the start of the program. This promotional discount may not be combined with any other offers.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2018

When It Really Is About You

(This blog was originally posted on October 19, 2016)

Photo by Rick Hustead

When we get in a bad mood, for whatever reason, it is “okay” to trudge around the house or office scowling, grumbling or whatever because, well, it just is, right? Something happened earlier in the day or afternoon that set us off; it’s got nothing to do with you, so stop taking everything so personally! We think or say: Everything will be fine in a little while or tomorrow or next week…. You shouldn’t be so sensitive!

Of course, when the bad mood or unnecessary gruffness isn’t our own, it can be very difficult if not impossible to extend the same amount of patience, tolerance or even indifference to another person. More often than not, the subconscious mind goes right to: What did I do? Don’t snap at me! Just chill out, won’t you! It truly is like there are different rules for different players in the same game.

Any time we find ourselves internalizing another person’s bad mood or caustic comment as a personal affront, this is a good time to do a reality check about the situation. Ask yourself whether you actually or accidentally did or said something that might have caused offense. If the answer to this question is “no,” consider the likelihood that the other person is not intentionally, specifically striking out at you. Low self-esteem is often correlated with negative self-talk (“chatter”), whereby it is easy to wear a mantle of guilt about or misplaced sense of responsibility for causing any other negativity in the environment. Imagine going into that part of your subconscious mind or even body where your self-esteem resides and turn the dial up until you no longer notice or perceive the conflict around you. How does that feel in your mind and body? What it does it look like to be (more) indifferent to the other person’s bad mood or problem?

Also remember that being hungry (low blood-sugar level) can affect how we perceive and react to our environment. In this case, a colleague’s sarcastic comment or ribald joke that normally would not irritate you could easily trigger a chain reaction of hurt feelings, hostility and a barrage of snide remarks in response. On the other hand, you might even laugh at that same comment if you hear it after you eat lunch that contains some form of protein (meat or plant-based).

Whenever possible, practice an attitude of empathy and imagine that possibility that your colleague/boss/relative/friend is having a really hard time at the moment for reasons you may not or even need to know. Consider what, if any, gesture of empathy would ease your emotional burden in a similar situation. Depending upon your relationship with the person, it may be appropriate to ask if everything is okay and offer to help resolve or just talk through whatever is causing the problem. Maybe the best course of action might be to remain silent and let the person work through whatever is going on, alone, until/unless you are asked or invited to help. (Of course, if the individual’s problem or attitude is endangering your or another person’s safety/well-being, take steps to protect yourself and get out of that situation.) 

Keep in mind that most of the time, someone else’s bad mood really isn’t about you. However, the sentiment, “Don’t judge another person until you have walked a mile in his shoes” and an open, empathetic and compassionate attitude toward the other person helps to get through these situations.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2017

When It's Really Not About You

Photo by Rick Hustead

When we get in a bad mood, for whatever reason, it is “okay” to trudge around the house or office scowling, grumbling or whatever because, well, it just is, right? Something happened earlier in the day or afternoon that set us off; it’s got nothing to do with you, so stop taking everything so personally! We think or say: Everything will be fine in a little while or tomorrow or next week…. You shouldn’t be so sensitive!

Of course, when the bad mood or unnecessary gruffness isn’t our own, it can be very difficult if not impossible to extend the same amount of patience, tolerance or even indifference to another person. More often than not, the subconscious mind goes right to: What did I do? Don’t snap at me! Just chill out, won’t you! It truly is like there are different rules for different players in the same game.

Any time we find ourselves internalizing another person’s bad mood or caustic comment as a personal affront, this is a good time to do a reality check about the situation. Ask yourself whether you actually or accidentally did or said something that might have caused offense. If the answer to this question is “no,” consider the likelihood that the other person is not intentionally, specifically striking out at you. Low self-esteem is often correlated with negative self-talk (“chatter”), whereby it is easy to wear a mantle of guilt about or misplaced sense of responsibility for causing any other negativity in the environment. Imagine going into that part of your subconscious mind or even body where your self-esteem resides and turn the dial up until you no longer notice or perceive the conflict around you. How does that feel in your mind and body? What it does it look like to be (more) indifferent to the other person’s bad mood or problem?

Also remember that being hungry (low blood-sugar level) can affect how we perceive and react to our environment. In this case, a colleague’s sarcastic comment or ribald joke that normally would not irritate you could easily trigger a chain reaction of hurt feelings, hostility and a barrage of snide remarks in response. On the other hand, you might even laugh at that same comment if you hear it after you eat lunch that contains some form of protein (meat or plant-based.

Whenever possible, practice an attitude of empathy and imagine that possibility that your colleague/boss/relative/friend is having a really hard time at the moment for reasons you may not or even need to know. Consider what, if any, gesture of empathy would ease your emotional burden in a similar situation. Depending upon your relationship with the person, it may be appropriate to ask if everything is okay and offer to help resolve or just talk through whatever is causing the problem. Maybe the best course of action might be to remain silent and let the person work through whatever is going on, alone, until/unless you are asked or invited to help. (Of course, if the individual’s problem or attitude is endangering your or another person’s safety/well-being, take steps to protect yourself and get out of that situation.) 

Keep in mind that most of the time, someone else’s bad mood really isn’t about you. However, the sentiment, “Don’t judge another person until you have walked a mile in his shoes” and an open, empathetic and compassionate attitude toward the other person helps to get through these situations.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2016