Lying and Passive-Aggressive Behavior

(This blog was originally posted on November 28, 2016)

Photo by Rick Hustead

Lying, losing syndrome, procrastination, the desire to control authority and a tendency to lose a job/ get fired are all manifestations of passive-aggressive behavior, observed Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder John Kappas Ph.D. and his colleague, psychiatrist Dr. Ron Hodges, M.D. Furthermore, a passive-aggressive person typically has very childlike, neurotic behavior, low-self-esteem, is not assertive and tends to be impulsive. This person also tells lies to control authority figures and avoid conflict with other people. The decision to tell the truth (or not) depends on how the person believes or expects the other party to react, Dr. Kappas explained. However, these deceptions usually only make the situation worse for the person.

“Sooner or later, lies catch up with you,” he said.

According to developmental psychologist Erik Erikson, passive-aggressive behavior typically begins between the ages of three and six years. This age span is categorized as the third, or play age/loco-motor stage of development, when the youngster is developing a sense of independence. At this age, a child is motivated to try new things and show initiative. However, if the parents/guardians discourage or even punish the child for asserting independence this way, he or she is likely to become angry, frustrated and/or guilty and behave in various ways to “punish” the parents, Dr. Kappas said.

However, it is the passive-aggressive person who typically suffers the consequences of this behavior. For example, a child may insist that he doesn’t have to use the toilet before going on a car trip and then wets his pants five minutes into the journey. In adulthood, this behavior may carry over so the person sabotages his career. If there are conflicts in a romantic relationship, the person may leave clues that she is having an affair so the partner deduces what is going on without her actually having to confess about the other relationship.

To help a client resolve such passive-aggressive behavior, Dr. Kappas recommended working to increase the person’s self-confidence and self-esteem. “The lying will decrease as confidence builds.” The next step is to expose and desensitize the person to different situations that could trigger the lying response. The hypnotherapist should also work with the client to be able to face people and diplomatically resolve conflicts, which will also reduce the urge to tell a lie, the HMI founder added.

It is important to construct a framework in which a client can cognitively, consciously identify and understand how and why he uses passive-aggressive behavior to deal with a conflict. In hypnosis, therapeutic techniques such as role-playing, hypnodrama or guided imagery can help identify, address and desensitize the person to various stimuli that trigger lying. (For example, have the client imagine talking to the boss to ask for a raise.) While the person is relaxed and in hypnosis, the hypnotherapist should give suggestions that replace the person’s negative/self-destructive behaviors (e.g., passive-aggression) with constructive beliefs about increased self-worth/self-confidence and positive behaviors (e.g., problem-solving skills).

Hypnotherapy for Weight Loss

This 10-week weight-loss package is designed to help you shed extra pounds using hypnosis and therapeutic guided-imagery techniques. It is customized to your specific weight-loss goal, and materials are provided at each weekly session to help you keep track of your progress and maintain motivation throughout this program. In addition, a complimentary recording of the hypnosis portion of each session (CD or digital file) is provided at the end of each appointment to reinforce what you worked on that week. 

$1,250 for 10-week series. (This is a $250 savings!)  

Fee must be paid at the start of the program. This promotional discount may not be combined with any other offers.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2018

You Have Ages, Yet

“Adopt the pace of nature. Her secret is patience.” – Unknown

(This blog was originally posted on January 7, 2016)

Photo by Sara Fogan

When I studied in London during my junior year at college, one of my friends was fond of saying, “You have ages, yet,” to reassure me that I had plenty of time to complete an essay or project. She was right, of course: I typically started and completed essays as soon as the lecturer had assigned them. (That strategy was all the better for allowing enough time to do countless rewrites and edits, but that’s a topic for another essay.) Somehow, the deep timbre of her voice and calm way of delivering the statement always helped to take the pressure off. I knew that the only real pressure on me was what I was putting on myself. Without explicitly saying so, the statement reminded me that the more stressed-out and worked up I allowed myself to become about the assignment, the more “stuck” I became in my worrying—time would be better spent actually doing the work. Depending on the value of the assignment—weekly essay versus a term project—sometimes I had to repeat the mantra to myself (“I have ages, yet”) while I worked. But I always finished and turned in the essay on time and a little less stressed.

As I look back on those days, I can identify the different stages of repeated and learned behaviors that were going on, based on John Kappas, Ph.D.’s model for the Theory of Mind. Throughout our lifetime, starting from birth, we create and follow a subconscious mental script that dictates how we are likely to feel about and react to different situations. According to the Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder, these responses are based first on what we have modeled and learned from our primary caretaker(s); later, we start to model friends’ and colleagues’ behaviors. For example, I “learned” or model my behavior of taking copious notes during a class and re-copying (hopefully, neatly) them into a separate notebook, from watching my mother do this when she worked on her degree when I was a teenager. I also followed her example of further organizing the relevant information into a structured outline before I wrote the assignment. This process was followed with several edits and rewrites up until the morning the essay or project was due. That may have been my way of “flirting” with procrastination: During high school, one of the girls in my class was well-known for procrastination. Somehow, she was able to put off studying for a test or completing an assignment until the very last minute and still earned very good grades. Her behavior was drastically different from my (known) way of being a student and it ultimately proved too emotionally and physically stressful (e.g., procrastination=pain) for me to successfully imitate. I quickly returned to my own ways of studying.

However, my friend’s perception of time to complete an assignment was an epiphany for me. Perhaps she was able to influence my attitude and study behaviors because we were friends, which increased my suggestibility to her. I knew she worked very hard and was very good student; but she seemed to be better at balancing fun/relaxation with getting down to doing her work when an assignment was due or a test was looming. I envied and admired that talent, so I decided to adopt her perspective about time to see if it would help me relax a little more. I was sick of making myself sick and sleep-deprived as I rushed to complete a deadline I had actually met, several drafts ago.

It worked. Just the act of repeating her words—“You have ages, yet”—reminded me that I did have enough time to complete the project seemed to stretch time out a little bit. Without yet knowing the term “chunking it down” I was able to mentally prioritize what I needed to do to finish my work so I could get a good night’s sleep and go for a meal or to a movie with my friends. I could give myself permission to enjoy my time and experiences in a different country while I learned and achieved academic success there.

After all, I had ages to be able to do it all.

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2018

How Passive-Aggressive Behavior Affects Motivation

(This blog was originally posted on August 29, 2016)

Photo by Sara Fogan

According to Erik Erickson’s Stages of Development model, passive-aggressive behavior begins when a child is between three to six years old (Loco-Motor stage), when he or she is just starting to become independent. The youngster also learns about guilt and initiative at this time. Erickson observed that if a child is punished or discouraged from expressing initiative, he or she would try to sabotage the parents. For example, the individual might wet or soil the pants instead of going to the bathroom despite having been toilet trained. This kind of passive-aggressive behavior carries over into adulthood as a way to subtly hurt or frustrate someone as if to teach a lesson to the other person. However, it is ultimately the person who behaves in this passive-aggression way who suffers the most.

John Kappas, Ph.D., considered passive-aggressive behavior part of a “losing syndrome” in which the person subconsciously always expects to fail because he or she was never allowed or encouraged to succeed at a task, or was even punished for being assertive. An example of passive-aggressive behavior in adulthood is an employee saying or doing something at work that contradicts the workplace environment/culture that jeopardizes the individual’s chances of promotion or even gets the person fired.

In the above example, Dr. Kappas worked with a man who sought hypnotherapy to increase his motivation about his job and stop procrastinating. The client conceded that he had had 20 jobs over the years; despite feeling optimistic and believing he would succeed at the beginning of each employment, it ultimately wouldn’t work out. When asked why the jobs didn’t work, the client blamed his co-workers when something went wrong; or, he became bored very quickly if he didn’t feel challenged if the job didn’t pay well.

To help the client work through these issues, the hypnotherapist identified and pointed out common denominators between the unwanted behavior (procrastination and low motivation) and the man’s passive-aggressive tendencies. Examples included tardiness to work, tendency to daydream, avoidance of responsibility and failing to show up at meetings or appointments. Next, Dr. Kappas recommended specific dietary changes to stabilize the client’s blood-sugar level and reduce anxiety and frustration, and gave him positive suggestions for future personal growth and appreciation of his abilities. Finally, Dr. Kappas introduced him to the Mental Bank Concept to increase the client’s motivation and sense of self-worth.

“Passive aggressiveness gets worse as the person gets older,” warned the Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder, which is why it is so important to obviate these behaviors sooner than later to ensure continued growth and opportunities for self-improvement.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2017