Don't Believe Everything You Tell Yourself

(This blog was originally posted on December 12, 2016)

Photo by Rick Hustead

Recently, I addressed our human tendency to believe too much in terms of what we see/hear in social media (Think It All Through). Today, I will tackle the most powerful source of influence on our beliefs and behavior: our own mind.

The subconscious mental script that dictates most of our activities started to be written long before we became aware of—let alone noticed—when we act a particular way or why we do what we do. The more we reinforce (repeat) those beliefs and behaviors, and the more we are rewarded socially or emotionally for them, the stronger they will become. However, that doesn’t mean they are true or right.

For example, if you generally received praise for your efforts and encouragement to solve a problem or resolve a conflict, and reassurance and emotional support to overcome a disappointment, you are likely to repeat these actions in similar situations. Conversely, if your efforts to succeed were met with derision and discouragement to undermine your current and prospective future success, you are more likely to internalize and believe these negative messages.

It doesn’t have to be this way. To paraphrase a beloved Native American parable, everyone has a “good” wolf and a “bad” wolf inside that is constantly fighting for control. The good wolf is confident and self-assured; it wants to do the right thing and do right by others. Conversely, the bad wolf lacks that self-confidence; in fact, it is insecure and self-loathing. It has no respect for others or itself, and would just as soon cause pain and discomfort than share joy and opportunity. Ultimately, the winner of this fight will be the one you feed.

In my blog titled It’s Just a Thought, I explained the benefits of dismissing outright all of those negative messages that you do not want or need to incorporate in your current mental script. This is essentially controlling what you think and the ideas you allow yourself to entertain. Instead, practice imagining or visualizing what you/it would look like to experience that success you are working so hard to achieve. What kinds of words do you want and need to hear to actualize this positive outcome, and practice saying and thinking them until they replace that negative chatter. Believe that this positive outcome is possible because you realized the old way of behaving not only doesn’t work for you anymore, but it has triggered actions and beliefs that can only help you succeed.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2017

When It's Really Not About You

Photo by Rick Hustead

When we get in a bad mood, for whatever reason, it is “okay” to trudge around the house or office scowling, grumbling or whatever because, well, it just is, right? Something happened earlier in the day or afternoon that set us off; it’s got nothing to do with you, so stop taking everything so personally! We think or say: Everything will be fine in a little while or tomorrow or next week…. You shouldn’t be so sensitive!

Of course, when the bad mood or unnecessary gruffness isn’t our own, it can be very difficult if not impossible to extend the same amount of patience, tolerance or even indifference to another person. More often than not, the subconscious mind goes right to: What did I do? Don’t snap at me! Just chill out, won’t you! It truly is like there are different rules for different players in the same game.

Any time we find ourselves internalizing another person’s bad mood or caustic comment as a personal affront, this is a good time to do a reality check about the situation. Ask yourself whether you actually or accidentally did or said something that might have caused offense. If the answer to this question is “no,” consider the likelihood that the other person is not intentionally, specifically striking out at you. Low self-esteem is often correlated with negative self-talk (“chatter”), whereby it is easy to wear a mantle of guilt about or misplaced sense of responsibility for causing any other negativity in the environment. Imagine going into that part of your subconscious mind or even body where your self-esteem resides and turn the dial up until you no longer notice or perceive the conflict around you. How does that feel in your mind and body? What it does it look like to be (more) indifferent to the other person’s bad mood or problem?

Also remember that being hungry (low blood-sugar level) can affect how we perceive and react to our environment. In this case, a colleague’s sarcastic comment or ribald joke that normally would not irritate you could easily trigger a chain reaction of hurt feelings, hostility and a barrage of snide remarks in response. On the other hand, you might even laugh at that same comment if you hear it after you eat lunch that contains some form of protein (meat or plant-based.

Whenever possible, practice an attitude of empathy and imagine that possibility that your colleague/boss/relative/friend is having a really hard time at the moment for reasons you may not or even need to know. Consider what, if any, gesture of empathy would ease your emotional burden in a similar situation. Depending upon your relationship with the person, it may be appropriate to ask if everything is okay and offer to help resolve or just talk through whatever is causing the problem. Maybe the best course of action might be to remain silent and let the person work through whatever is going on, alone, until/unless you are asked or invited to help. (Of course, if the individual’s problem or attitude is endangering your or another person’s safety/well-being, take steps to protect yourself and get out of that situation.) 

Keep in mind that most of the time, someone else’s bad mood really isn’t about you. However, the sentiment, “Don’t judge another person until you have walked a mile in his shoes” and an open, empathetic and compassionate attitude toward the other person helps to get through these situations.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2016

Just Say No!

Elton John sings, “‘Sorry’ seems to be the hardest word.” That may be true; but ‘no’—the key word in assertiveness, in my opinion—is right up there in the Number Two position of difficulty for so many people to say, especially females. I often wonder why that is. Perhaps it has to do with the texture of the words, themselves. The definite, hard consonant “n” and then a long “o” gives the pronunciation and enunciation of no a cold, harsh sound. In comparison, the sometimes-vowel “y”, short “e” and the soft, drawn out “s” when we say yes create an almost musical or lyrical sound. Yes is a nice word to hear and say.

This point brings me to the implication and connotations associated with each of these words. From early childhood, we learn to associate positive emotions and experiences—such as presents, treats and rewards, with yes; whereas adherence to strict rules, criticism and/or punishment tend to go with no. What child has not categorized a parent, guardian or teacher who says yes a lot as being “nice,” compared to the adult who expects Johnny and Sue to be on their best behavior and do their homework before they get to go outside to play? Even in adulthood, it is natural to prefer the company of someone who does what we like and want them to do, compared to an individual who will not go along with our plans or desires just to please us, if doing so won’t benefit the other person. In the heat of the moment, it is impossible to understand the motives and inner fortitude of people who can say “no” without blinking an eye and refusing to back down: how come they are so stubborn?  Sometimes, we even resent them for their willingness to stand up and fight for their beliefs, especially when this stance blocks or interferes with our plans. And yet, these are the people many of us secretly admire and want to be like.

Self-confidence and self-esteem are key components behind the willingness to say yes and the ability to say no. Neither trait is automatic, nor are they mutually inclusive: It is possible to be very confident but have very low self-esteem (self-value), and vice versa. When I work with a client to help the person become more assertive, one of the first things I do is assess and, if necessary, increase the person’s self-confidence and strengthen his or her self-esteem. This work is imperative because it shores up the person’s defenses against negative self-chatter and suggestibility to other people’s criticism as he or she works to achieve this vocational and avocational self-improvement goal. Next, I use relaxation and therapeutic guided-imagery techniques in hypnosis to help the person rehearse using the assertive behaviors. This exercise not only creates a new known in the subconscious mind that he or she can be assertive, it reinforces the person’s confidence that he or she can use this new skill effectively and successfully in the real world.

No isn’t so hard to say, after all.

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014