Passive Aggressive Behavior

Photo by Sara Fogan

Passive aggression is like a glacier: it's strong, solid and
makes its opinion obvious without seeming to do much of anything.

                You must repeatedly remind your teenage son to end a phone conversation with his friend so he can pick up his younger sibling from band practice before he finally snaps the phone shut and stomps out of the room. When you ask your spouse to make a stop on the way home from work to pick up the food you ordered for supper, the response is a loud sigh and a sarcastic comment: “Sure, it’s not as if I don’t have enough to do during the day.” Maybe you consistently forget to return a novel you borrowed from your friend, even though you see each other just about every day at school or work. Sound familiar?

These behaviors are examples of passive aggression, a common form of defensive behavior. It is not exclusive to males or females, and it can be manifested at any age starting from very early childhood until the end of the person’s life. It can start at age 18 months to between two and five years old, when a child starts to differentiate from the parent or caretaker in a subconscious bid to become more independent and autonomous. The more the adult tries to exert authority over the youngster, the more resistant the child becomes: You say yes, the child says no. If the parent does not provide options or alternatives for the desired behavior, but simply demands the child to do what he or she has been told, the youngster doesn’t have a chance to experience the desired autonomy. The child may then exert his or her independence by forgetting to do something or make jokes or sarcastic comments in front of other people as a way to express frustration about the situation. Over time, this tactic becomes a “known” in the subconscious mind and, eventually, the preferred problem-solving strategy and technique.

With the exception of reactions to fear of falling and fear of loud noises, passive aggression—like all other behaviors—is learned; therefore, it can be unlearned. When I work with a client to overcome this “resistant lifestyle,” I will first explore the different emotional triggers for the client’s behavior, such as tone of voice/words used of the person making a request, the time of day the client is most likely to respond this way, etc. Then, while the person is in hypnosis, I will systematically desensitize him or her to these triggers and teach a relaxation response that can be substituted for the previous “known” behavior (passive aggression).  Finally, I may incorporate some hypnodrama and therapeutic guided imagery or visualization techniques to give the person a chance to rehearse expressing his or her needs in these specific situations. Over time, by practicing the relaxation response and communicating what he or she needs at that time, the person can establish these behaviors as a new known response in other similar situations.

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

Doing My Homework

                In my blog on March 26, 2014, I described how I create customize hypnotic scripts for each of my clients. This process actually (unofficially) begins during the first introductory conversation I have with a prospective client, when the person contacts me to discuss whether hypnotherapy can help him or her to achieve specific vocational and avocational self-improvement goals. During the course of this conversation, I try to get as much information about my prospective client and the presenting issue as I can. This isn’t being “nosey”; rather, I need to know whether these goals fall within my scope of expertise as a hypnotherapist. If not, I will refer him or her to a medical doctor or licensed mental health practitioner, who would be a better source of support for that issue. (For a complete list of ways in which hypnotherapy may help you, check out the Appendix tab on my website: http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/appendix.html)

                Once I determine that I can help you, I will need to know even more information and specific details about your behavior/habit: How long have you been doing “X”? Under what situations/circumstances are you most likely to do or want to engage in the behavior? When and why did you start doing this behavior? Have you ever tried to change or stop this behavior in the past? Why do you want to stop doing “X” now? Finally, I will ask whether you ever been hypnotized before. It does not matter whether you have been hypnotized in terms of whether hypnosis can help you achieve your goal; it will. However, this information is useful for me to help gauge how much time you may need to become comfortable being hypnotized (i.e., the hypnotic induction) before we address your specific behavior in hypnosis.

                Once we conclude the conversation and we have set your appointment with me, I consult my notes and text/course material for different hypnosis and guided-imagery techniques that I feel will be most appropriate or applicable to help you achieve your behavioral goal. I may revise or write out a completely new hypnotic script that I can use when we meet that is composed of elements of several different scripts. If we have worked together before, I will review the notes I made during your previous session and research hypnosis scripts or techniques to follow up our recent work together. Of course, I know that this plan may change or be revised again, depending on what we discuss during the session and how you respond to/feel during the hypnosis, etc. I will also review different hypnosis and imagery techniques, and even prepare alternate scripts, to use during the session if necessary or as time permits.

                My goal as your hypnotherapist is to help you address and change the habits that no longer work for you and replace them with behaviors that do. To do this, I constantly review and practice the techniques I know, and train for certifications in new topics that will enable me to help more people in even more ways.

 

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

 

Virtual Getaway

Photo by Sara Fogan

 

                “You deserve a break today…” So sings a popular advertisement jingle. Unfortunately, it is not always easy to get that well-deserved break when we want (or need) it. That’s okay: even a mini, mental vacation can provide the emotional and mental respite you need right now to tide you over until you get a chance to enjoy the real thing. Here are some suggestions:

·         Read a book for fun. It doesn’t matter if it is fiction or nonfiction, poetry or Manga. Anything that draws you into a subject deeply enough so you can temporarily lose track of time and place will enable you to feel refreshed when you put the book down.

·         Exercise, meditate or do yoga. Physical activity is not only good for the body, it also kicks up the endorphins—those “feel good” chemicals inside—that help us to relax and relieve stress. If you ever go for a run to clear your head and experience the runner’s “high” you know exactly what I mean.

·         Go outside and experience nature. It doesn’t matter whether you go to the beach, walk in the woods or take a stroll in the neighborhood park; just get outside and experience the sounds, smells and other sensation of this different environment. Spend time looking at your environment: what do you notice that you have never seen before? What color is the sky? Are there leaves on the trees yet? Is there snow still on the ground?

·         Play catch with your dog, cuddle your cat or groom or ride your horse. Nothing compares with the Zen experience of interacting one-on-one with an animal in this way. Clear your mind (and agenda) to spend some time with another creature: focus all of your attention and energy on the animal and immerse yourself in its world for a little while. Notice how your pet responds to what you do and how you communicate with it. What do you do that earns the biggest positive response? What do you do (or don’t do) that the animal seems less interested in? Isn’t it wonderful how little you actually have to say or do to elicit the wagging tail, purr or gentle blowing sound to indicate that it is content? There is nowhere and no one in the world that gives us this kind of positive feedback for just doing something that feels good to both parties.

·         “Special place” imagery: Close your eyes and draw slow, deep breaths. Visualize, imagine, picture or pretend that you are in an environment where you feel completely relaxed, calm and comfortable. This can be someplace that is familiar to you, where you have visited before and really like; or, it can be a location of your own creation. Notice every detail of the environment around you: what do you hear, see, smell, feel, taste? Enjoy the sensation of feeling completely relaxed and at peace with everyone and everything around you in this place. You can anchor these feelings of calm, comfort and relaxation by pressing or rubbing your thumb and index (pointing) finger of your right hand. Anytime you activate this anchor, you can and will immediately access these sensations. To finish this exercise, thank the images you have encountered and open your eyes.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

The Art of Communication

  

              Communication is an art. I am not talking just about expressing a thought or a feeling in words (or dance, music, art, etc.) but also how and whether we take the time to really experience what is being communicated to us. Often, we are so preoccupied with our own thoughts about what we are seeing or listening to, we neglect to notice and process what is going on emotionally, physically and spiritually with the other person. We express ourselves to share how we feel or what we think about something; so what can we do to ensure that the other person truly “gets” what we have just communicated?

                Hypnotherapist Dr. Alex G. Kappas, Ph.D., used to say: “I know you believe you think you understand what I have just said; but I am not sure that what you heard is not what I meant.” In other words, we tend to “hear” a specific message based on our previous experience and expectations about what we think the other person is (or should be) saying as it fits our (not their) mental script. Then, we get preoccupied thinking about what we should or want to say in response and likely miss the rest of the message. Most of us do this subconsciously from time to time. So, how do we become an active listener?

                The answer is simply to listen. Be consciously present in the conversation. Pay attention to each word and each sentence as the other person is speaking. Do you understand what he or she is trying to say? Ask a question, rephrase the statement to check that you are getting the information your companion is trying to share with you. Imagine, visualize, picture or pretend that the only people in the room (or world) at that moment are you and the person you are talking to; actively “tune out” any distractions in your environment, or use those distractions to deepen your level of focus and concentration on the conversation you are in. Turn off/ignore your phone. Do not interrupt your companion while he or she is speaking but wait for a natural ebb or pause in the conversation for your turn to speak.

                Sometimes the most important part of talking is actually listening.

         

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

 

Creating Your Hypnotic “Script”

                It goes without saying that each hypnotic script that I create for my clients is unique. It has to be: since each person is idiosyncratic and individual, even similar issues such as the desire to stop smoking, lose weight or increase self-confidence to speak in public will be as unique as the person who is wants to replace or discard an unwanted behavior. Furthermore, the origins of that unwanted behavior or habit will vary as much as each person’s reasons and motivations to change it and the degree of their suggestibility (how they learn). While I have and know many basic hypnotherapeutic “ingredients” to help my clients achieve their specific vocational and avocational self-improvement goal, it is up to me to create the specific “recipe” that will achieve this objective.

I create and tailor hypnotic scripts in a three-part process:

1.       First, I actively listen to what the person is telling me/explaining about his or her situation and goals to change a behavior. I will ask questions and even re-state or reframe what the person has said to make sure I understand what is going on.

2.       Meanwhile, I will be processing/integrating this information into a basic hypnotic script that I already know is or will be useful to address this issue. Literally hundreds of generic hypnotic scripts exist to address various topics, but each one is not necessarily appropriate for or applicable to every situation.

3.       Next, I construct the actual script using the client’s own words (descriptions) about why, how, when, etc., he or she wants to change the unwanted behavior based on his or her suggestibility. If the person is a physical suggestible, I know that the person’s subconscious will understand and process direct and literal suggestions such as, “Your eyes are closing.”) An emotional suggestible client’s subconscious will respond to indirect or metaphoric suggestions, such as “Your eyelids feel heavy.”

Once I choose a working framework for the hypnotic script I will use, I can be somewhat creative with how/when/where I include the client’s specific words or phrases in the suggestions. I may incorporate an imagery exercise or specific elements from a different (albeit related) script to support the hypnotherapy work I am doing with a particular client. For example, I like to include imagery around the color red to reinforce the idea of “stopping” the unwanted behavior (e.g., eating sweets, smoking, nail-biting, etc.) whenever the person sees this color. I can also decide—even at the last second—to not do a particular technique with a client, such as Inner Child work, if I see that the individual is abreacting (negative physical response) to some suggestions, which could indicate that his or her subconscious mind is not ready to accept or process this information.

Basically, during this process I am following jeet kune do creator and martial arts legend Bruce Lee’s advice: “Absorb what is useful. Discard what is not. Add what is uniquely your own.” I take the basic framework of a hypnotherapy process and subtly tailor the script to make it specific and relevant for the client I am working with, based on the fast decisions I must make about which material to use and how and when to use it during the session.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

 

Looking for Inspiration

                Tonight when I sat down to write my blog, I discovered that all of the ideas and topics that had been swimming around in my head and screaming for attention during the day had suddenly disappeared. No matter what I did the words wouldn't come, and the night was ebbing away. In an effort to track down all those inspirations, I employed a technique that I recommend to my hypnotherapy clients to help them overcome writer’s block: I took a few deep breaths, visualized that I was sitting at my desk and writing the stream of words that quickly, easily and enthusiastically bubbled up from my subconscious to my conscious mind. Then, I walked away from the computer for a few minutes and then found another activity to distract me for a while I waited for my new inspiration to take hold. I decided to catch up on some social networking on Facebook. Within a few moments, I came across tonight’s inspiration—or, many inspirations—in the form of a quote of the day from Bruce Lee: “Absorb what is useful. Discard what is not. Add what is uniquely your own.”

                Suddenly inspired, I scrolled through previous posts, looking for more quotes and muses for future blogs and essays. If you follow me on Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/pages/Calminsense-Hypnotherapy/) you may have seen some of these quotes before on this page, or will in the future. Many of these QOTDs are beautiful examples and illustrations of the work I do as a hypnotherapist, so I will probably draw on them in future essays.

                In the meantime, I hope you enjoy and find as much inspiration reading these quotes tonight as I did in sharing them with you.

“When you forgive you don’t change the past, you change the future.” Kissing Fish

“Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace.” Dalai Lama             

“The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply.” General Knowledge’s photograph

“You are stronger than you think.” Crystal Moradi

“Sometimes people are beautiful. Not in looks. Not in what they say. Just in what they are.” Markus Zusak

“Surround yourself with people who know your worth.” Curiano.com

“Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives.” Letters of Gratitude

“Just because your fears have stopped you in the past doesn’t mean they have to do so in the future. Believe in your talents. Trust your gut. Have faith in yourself.” Helene Lerner

“Happiness isn’t the absence of problems; it’s the ability to deal with them.” Steve Maraboli

“Sometimes the hardest part isn’t letting go but rather starting over.” Nicole Sobon

“When you are truly comfortable with who you are, not everybody will like you. But you won’t care about it one bit.” Lessonslearnedinlife.com

“Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life and when it comes, hold your head high, look it squarely in the eye and say, ‘I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat me.” Ann Landers

“Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally it is possible that I may be mistaken.” Anonymous Mother Superior’s prayer

“It’s not just enough to swing at the ball. You’ve got to loosen your girdle and let ’er fly.” Babe Didrikson Zaharias

“Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn’t people feel as free to delight in whatever remains to them?” Rose Kennedy

“Worry is one of the best techniques I have to avoid my feelings.” Anonymous

“Learning too soon our limitations, we never learn our powers.” Mignon McLaughlin

“You take people as far as they will go, not as far as you would like them to go.” Jeannette Rankin

“I don’t think about what I missed, I think about what I had.” Katharine Hepburn

“Think wrongly, if you please, but in all cases think for yourself.” Doris Lessing

“Things come suitable to the time. Childbirth. An’ bein’ in love. An’ death. You can’t know ’em till you come to them. No use guessing an’ dreading.” Enid Bagnold

“Nothing can happen nowhere. The locale of the happening always colors the happening, and often, to a degree, shapes it.” Elizabeth Bowen

“Men for the sake of getting a living forget to live.” Margaret Fuller

“An uttered word cannot be taken back.” African Proverb

“If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.” Chinese proverb

“Nothing icky lasts forever.” Deborah Norville

“Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.” Ruth Rendell

“However great the flood, it will ebb.” Irish proverb

“Everyone has talent. What is rare is the courage to follow the talent to the dark place where it leads.” Erica Jong

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

 

Components of Success

    

Photo courtesy of Fotolia

 

 

                A few months ago, my dad commented how much he admired actor Benedict Cumberbatch’s success in the film industry. He thought the Sherlock star had suddenly hit the big-time since he went from starring in a British television series about Sherlock Holmes to a lead role in the film about Julian Assange; had a role in August: Osage County, a major film starring Meryl Streep and Julia Roberts; and even voiced the dragon in a recent Lord of the Rings movie. Earlier this month, he was also shown goofing around with the A-list celebrities at the 2013 Academy Awards. Of course, this was not an example of Mr. Cumberbatch being an overnight success, at all. He had certainly been paying his dues as an actor for many years—mostly on stage in Britain and some roles in television movies and series in Britain and in America. Do you remember his very minor role as a cavalry officer in Steven Spielberg’s (2011) film, War Horse? Now that he has landed roles in bigger projects, more people are starting to notice him.

 

                One of my favorite examples of what it takes to be successful is from an interview that Clinton Anderson, a very popular horseman, horse trainer and founder of Downunder Horsemanship, did many years ago. The trainer explained that it took years for him to build his company and reputation as a horseman when he immigrated to the United States from Australia. Apparently, he spent just about every cent he had traveling around the country to do riding and horsemanship clinics, and he usually only had one woman in his classes. Mr. Anderson said he was willing to continue traveling, teaching and “treating [his students] like queens” that way as often as he could and as long as he had the money to do so because, hopefully, the next year that student would come back and bring a friend or two. They did, and the rest is history, but his career did not take off into the stratosphere for about 20 years of very hard work.

                My point is this: Success doesn’t just happen; it is the product of a lot of time, effort, hard work and the intention and desire to succeed. This topic has been on my mind for a few weeks, and I did address it in yesterday’s blog: “Are You Ready?” (March 23, 2014). I did not intend to write a sequel to yesterday’s essay. However, I figured I must have had more to say about it since this topic was not only addressed on a radio talk show this afternoon but I also came upon a related quote from Vidal Sassoon in a Twitter feed: “The only place where success comes before work is a dictionary.”

                In John Kappas, Ph.D.’s book, Success Is Not an Accident, the Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder explains how a person’s mental script and subconscious messages influence how and where the individual will direct energy and effort to realize a goal. Everyone has the power to achieve a goal, Dr. Kappas says, if the “correct” mental script for that success—like a road map or a recipe—is available and in place for the person to follow.

                The thing is we often have to live life and accumulate a lot of different experiences, good and bad, to know what we really want or don’t want to do or have in our lives. Some people are very lucky in that they know very early on where they want to be in 10, 20 or 30 years, and they just work hard and steadily to achieve that goal. Other people experiment for a while: they switch majors in college, change jobs over and over and even switch careers in the search for a seemingly unattainable success.

                In a way, I followed both of those paths: By age 11, I had decided that I wanted to be a therapist. I majored in psychology at college and then did a research Master’s degree in psychology, in England. When I returned to the United States, I did a complete 180, career-wise, and worked for seven years at a prestigious martial arts publishing company. I started as a proofreader and, eventually earned a promotion to be one of the editors and a staff writer. By the time I found my way back to my intended path as a therapist, I had done another year of training in hypnotherapy and started my own company, Calminsense Hypnotherapy. Did I mention that I also worked as a barista for a time to help make ends meet? (I make a wicked caramel macchiato.)

The point I’m trying to make is this: it has taken me almost 35 years of hard work and experiencing life, trying my hand at different jobs/careers to appreciate what I really wanted to do in order to be where I am right now. It turned out that my ultimate career as a hypnotherapist turned out to be not exactly what I had originally imagined myself doing when I declared that I wanted to be a therapist. But life didn’t stop when I made my “dream job,” so to maintain my company’s success I have assiduously been marketing, advertising and networking my practice through social media. Meanwhile, I continue to earning certifications in additional therapeutic techniques that can help my hypnotherapy clients achieve their avocational and vocational self-improvement goals. In addition to my background in psychology, I can draw on the historical, philosophical and self-defense information I learned and the social experiences I had working at the magazine to help build rapport with and create metaphors and hypnotic scripts for my clients.

Sometimes when I look back on everything I have done and experienced to get where I am, doing what I love to do, I pinch myself and wonder how I got so lucky. And then I remember: luck had nothing to do with my success. Yes, I am still in the process of becoming the person I always wanted/meant/planned to be, but I am that person because I have put in the time and hard work to get where I am.

 

               

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

Are You Ready?



 Photo courtesy of Microsoft

                When we were children, it seemed as though nothing can happen soon enough. Whether we were looking forward to our next birthday, Christmas or Chanukah, summer vacation or any number of events during the year, all we had to do was wait for the next occasion to occur to enjoy some kind of reward. We didn’t even have to do anything in particular to get to that next big event, either; it just magically happened whether or not we were particularly engaged in the process. Of course, even when we tried to preoccupy ourselves with hobbies, spending time with friends or doing homework or chores, it took forever for the next milestone to roll around. Once our 16^th birthday came around we were automatically eligible to take a driving test and get that coveted driver’s license. Sure, we had to put in some hours behind the wheel with a driving instructor and study a handbook—a few of us remember practicing on driving simulators in high school—but that wasn’t work; it was a rite of passage. Two years later we could vote; at 21, we could legally buy and drink alcohol.

But as adults, opportunities and events rarely drop into our laps that way anymore. We usually have to put in a lot of work and have a lot of motivation to reach a goal or milestone. Also, there is no specific timeline when you can expect to reap the rewards of all your efforts. Days, weeks, months and even years can pass without making any obvious progress toward our goal; it is easy to become frustrated and even disillusioned about when/whether/if we will ever get our next “break.” An immediate, successful outcome is no longer guaranteed. Sometimes life steps in and replaces the original goal and desired outcome with something better than you could have ever dreamed of.

Consequently, one of the biggest challenges many of us face is being patient with ourselves as we strive to achieve a new goal. Even though we “know” that we have to work hard to achieve a goal, your subconscious mind learned and remembers that some things do just come to us without much effort: our birthday still comes around every year, whether we want it to or not; and fairytales about a prince coming to rescue his damsel in distress (you, me?) were ingrained in our subconscious minds and fantasies from a very young age. I enjoy helping people work to achieve new goals because this is a rare opportunity for them to learn how to slow down and take stock of all areas of their lives, not just the goal they are striving to achieve. For example, as you pursue that promotion at work are you compromising your health by getting little or no sleep and poor nutrition? The physical consequences of these behaviors could affect your perception, mood and ability to focus or problem-solve, which could inadvertently jeopardize your chances of being promoted. Are you so focused on completing that project that you neglect relationships with or responsibility to family or friends? Are you so focused on attracting that perfect partner that you pay no attention to your professional goals and other social bonds? Where and how will your goal, once it is accomplished, fit and balance with other important areas of your life? Hypnotherapy and therapeutic-guided imagery provide great opportunities to explore these issues and create strategies for achieving and enjoying these accomplishments when they (finally) occur.

I recently read a message on Facebook that Chris Cox, an acclaimed horseman and one of my role models, posted to his followers about finding balance in his professional and personal life. Mr. Cox wrote about all of the years he spent working and building his horsemanship company, traveling all over the world and working so hard to get where he is today. In the past few years, he has gotten married and now has two little children—the family he wanted for so long. He finished the post by saying that he loves what he does and he is proud of the company he built; but he also wants to spend time with and enjoying his beloved family.

These sentiments perfectly sum up what I am talking about: There comes a time in our lives when we do have to work very hard and sometimes for a very long time to achieve a goal and live the dream we spent so long only imagining and waiting for. But while we are working and dreaming, life goes on. Plans, goals and even new dreams are realized, and we have to be ready and willing to welcome these experiences into our lives, too.

 

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

Familiar Themes

 

                Have you ever noticed the way one event or thought can attract other, similar events or thoughts? Right after I posted my last blog on March 19, 2019 about the importance of maintaining separate interests in a relationship, someone on Facebook posted a related quote from lessonslearnedinlife.com: “When you are truly comfortable with who you are not everybody will like you. But you won’t care about it one bit.” One of my friends wondered if I had a theme going with those posts. No. Not consciously, anyway.

I would not claim that this quote resonates with me all of the time. Of course, I do care if people like me. I love my family and friends. I enjoy working with and exchanging ideas with my colleagues and advisors. I feel uncomfortable if there is tension about something, and I will do my best to resolve the issue when I can. However, I am no longer willing to give up on my ideas, ideals or interests because someone disagrees with me or doesn’t like the same thing(s) I do.

In the last ten years or so since I trained in hypnotherapy and became a certified hypnotherapist, I have learned how to express how I feel in an assertive way, not an aggressive one. I have learned it is okay to explore my emotions and I listen to my instincts about something before I make a decision. I have learned how to actively listen to someone else’s point of view and re-frame or ask questions about what the other person said to make sure I really understand. I have learned that every new experience may be an “unknown” to my subconscious the first time I do it but, over time and practice, it will become familiar and easier to do. I have learned how to stay calm and focused in situations where, in the past, I might have had a panic attack. I have learned to be comfortable with myself, in my own skin, to accept an invitation or to say “no” if I don’t want to do something.

And while I have learned to be (and am) perfectly content to pursue my own interests, it is nice to hang out with people I like and who like me. I have learned a lot. So, “learning” is a familiar theme in this blog and hypnotherapy, too.

 

 

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

 

 

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

 

Your Own Room

 

                In my February 14, 2014 blog, I described seven characteristics of a successful relationship. Each of these factors is equally important in this context, but one—separate interests—is imperative for ensuring individual growth in and outside of the relationship. Let me explain.

                Whether we are discussing a platonic friendship or a romantic partnership, two people enter a relationship because they are attracted not just to the similarities and mutual interests they share but also the differences between them. The expression “opposites attract” really is true: We are attracted to people who possess skills, characteristics and experiences that are different from our own. It is natural to consciously adopt some of the other person’s interests and to subconsciously mimic some facial expressions, mannerisms and beliefs during the course of the relationship. After spending time together, people tend to focus on and emphasize those similarities as a way to demonstrate that their relationship really is meant to be. (Have you ever noticed how couples that have been together for a long time, such as your parents or grandparents, even start to look alike?)

Ironically, when one (or both) of you forfeits your unique traits or interests to be more “like” the other person the relationship may falter. Rather than closing any space between you, abandoning your individuality can inadvertently cause the other person to lose some interest in you. Whether the relationship continues to thrive or eventually ends, you want to have a foundation on which you can continue to enjoy doing the things you always have, with or without the other person in your life.

If you want share a healthy relationship with someone else, start by nurturing your relationship with yourself. What do you enjoy doing? What do you want to do or never do again? Meditate, work with a hypnotherapist or practice self-hypnosis and explore what is important to you. How much are you willing to compromise on an issue or even sacrifice an activity or belief, in order for the relationship to thrive? Give yourself permission to make room in your life for you, and practice doing something for yourself every day. Maintain and grow your self-confidence by expressing an opinion or asking questions about an issue if something doesn’t make sense to you. Sing, dance, laugh, and cry. Give yourself permission to experience every emotion as you feel it. Be present in every moment. The more interested and engaged you are with the world around you, the more interesting you will be and become to people in your life.

You will be interesting to yourself, too.

 

 

 

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

Wake-Up Call

Photo by Sara Fogan

 

                I love mountains. I love their power and majesty as they tower over the tallest buildings. I love how invigorated I feel when I am in their midst, breathing in the clean, fresh air and enjoying the scent of the pine trees that cover this landscape and not the pollution that often covers the city over a mile below. Of course, mountains are the product of a powerful force of nature that many people in Los Angeles experienced early Monday morning: earthquakes.

California is no stranger to earthquakes. Anyone who experienced the 1989 San Francisco or the 1994 Northridge quakes knows how deadly and destructive they can be. Consequently, public-service announcements regularly remind us to prepare for the Big One (it’s coming!). The local news features stories about seismic activity that has occurred in other parts of the world and reminds residents to store enough food and water to last five days, in case it happens tomorrow. Many people who lived through it still reminisce about the Northridge quake as if it just happened. But even a comparatively minor one like the temblor we had yesterday—it was only a 4.4 magnitude, compared to the 6.7 magnitude of the one 20 years ago—is terrifying and disorienting. They also trigger our two most basic emotional reactions, as described in John Kappas, Ph.D.’s Theory of Mind: fear of loud noises and fear of falling.

When the ground starts to move, buildings creak and groan as the structures sway or collapse on their foundations. Furniture and the objects resting on them, books standing on shelves or pictures hanging on the walls, may crash to the floor. The ground moves beneath our feet and can trigger vertigo and the innate fear of falling. Even if you never experienced an earthquake before, you probably know already knew enough about this phenomenon to be concerned for your safety when the shaking started yesterday morning. Everyone who has felt an earthquake before probably did feel genuinely, understandably scared yesterday. However, this fear was not just about the disorienting physical sensations we experienced, but the violence of our anticipatory anxiety that was also triggered when the shaking started.

According to Dr. Kappas, anticipatory anxiety is an example of the fight/flight response, whereby a person instinctively prepares himself or herself to face a potential threat based on previous experience that the threat exists. “You’ve had the panic [and] you start worrying it will recur. You’re more affected by what you think will happen,” he observed. When the shaking started it triggered many people’s memories of the last Big One and their anticipatory anxiety about what could happen, this time. This is how it started/what it felt like last time. There is nowhere to go! There was so much damage to my house! The neighbor had a heart-attack. Two homes in the neighborhood were condemned… Many people were still sleeping (and had not yet eaten breakfast) when the quake started, so a lower blood-sugar-level may have also exacerbated the physiological sensations that can occur during a fear or phobic response. In just the few seconds that the earthquake lasted, heart-rates accelerated and breathing became shallow. Some people may have started to sweat profusely, felt dizzy or confused, and even experienced tunnel vision as they were reminded that they have no control over the environment (at that moment).

Fortunately, yesterday’s earthquake caused no significant damage to buildings, and no one was injured or killed. It was, however, a well-timed reminder to us all of how the beautiful mountains that surround Los Angeles, came to be. As Dr. Lucy Jones, a seismologist with the United States Geological Survey, explained during a press conference yesterday, we do live in an earthquake zone, and the Big One is coming. None of us have control over when, where and how large the movement of those tectonic plates beneath us will be. However, we absolutely can and do have control over our response next time they do.

Take these hours and days when the memory of the fear and “flight” response is still fresh in your mind, and write a new mental script that focuses on and will activate the “fight” response. Make and rehearse an emergency plan with your family so everyone knows where to go, what to do and who to contact if there you need to reunite somewhere after the quake. Know where your gas meter is located on your property and be able to turn the gas off to prevent a leak. Participate in the earthquake “drills” at your school/college and in your neighborhood so you know what to do during and where to go after the earthquake. Learn CPR so you can provide first aid to the injured. Memorize the access routes into and out of your community if you need to evacuate the area. Pack the recommended quantity of food and water for you, your family and your pets—and make sure these supplies are accessible if you need to grab them in a hurry. Create a list of neighbors and out-of-state friends or relatives whom you can contact to send a message to loved ones about your health and whereabouts in case the phone lines are down after the earthquake. Learn breathing and relaxation techniques—even self-hypnosis—that you can use to be calm and focused during and after the earthquake, which will enable you to help yourself and others survive the days and weeks to come.

For more information about earthquake preparedness, go to www.redcross.org.

               

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

Animal Hypnosis, Part 2

Photo courtesy of Sara Fogan

Me and Lydia Hiby in 2012

 

People seek out my hypnotherapy services because the logic/will-power/decision-making and reasoning faculties of their conscious mind want to change a behavior that no longer works for them. They are willing participants who become active partners in the therapy process. In addition to hypnosis and guided imagery, I teach my clients behavior-modification techniques that they can use to gently replace the unwanted or “problem” habit with a behavior that is more conducive to their desired lifestyle. But dogs, cats, horses and the multitude of other domestic animals people share their lives with do not make the decision to change a behavior. Their owners do.

So, when people ask me to hypnotize their dog so it won’t bark so much or to persuade the cat to stay off of the dining table, I must politely defer to a professional animal trainer’s expertise to resolve those behavior issues. However, as a certified hypnotherapist, I have many tools and techniques that can help the human partner change specific responses to the pet that can reinforce any new behaviors that the companion animal is learning. The first thing I want to know is what the client think is going on with the animal. What might make it easier for the pet, or help the pet, to change its unwanted behavior? Imagery is a great place to start this exercise.

When Lydia Hiby teaches animal-communication clinics, she encourages and supports each of her students to develop our intuitive skills so we can also do what she does. This skill is also very important for a client who wants to improve his or her communication and relationship with a companion animal by correcting an annoying habit. When the client is in hypnosis, I guide the client through a visualization exercise in which he or she is listening and paying attention to every detail in their pet’s environment. What does the animal see? Hear? Smell? Touch? Perceive? How do these stimuli affect it, in terms of why and how often it repeats the undesired behavior? There is no right or wrong answer in this exercise; the important thing is for the client to give him or herself permission to experience the world from your pet’s point of view.

Next, I would guide the client in another visualization journey in which the person gets to practice using the behavior-modification techniques that the trainer recommended to correct the unwanted behavior. How is the pet responding to the training cues? The imagery includes noticing physical details about the animal—how it looks, smells, feels, how energetically it responds to the person’s commands—and how the client feels and responds to the pet’s efforts to do the right thing. The individual gets to practice each of the techniques with confidence, control and patience with the animal and him- or herself. Since the person will already be relaxed, comfortable and calm during these hypnosis and visualization exercises, he or she will also be replacing the previous negative response (frustration) to the behavior with this new emotional reaction (calm). At the end of the hypnotherapy session, I will teach the person how to anchor these sensations of calm and relaxation with the confidence and skills he or she has acquired in order to apply the training techniques and easily achieve the desired change of behavior.

               

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

For more information about Lydia Hiby and her work as an animal communicator, visit her web-site at www.lydiahiby.com.

© 2014

Animal Hypnosis, Part 1

Photo courtesy of Sara Fogan

Me and Lydia Hiby in 2012.

 

Every so often, someone asks me if I can hypnotize the family dog to stop barking so much or get the cat to stay off the kitchen counters. After all, if I can help a human client to rewrite a mental script and change an unwanted behavior, surely I have a similar technique that will make Max a little quieter and give Rex better table manners? Surely, I must have some technique in my hypnosis toolbox that will convince the champion show horse at the barn that the flower-boxes in front of a jump are not monsters. No, I don’t. But—and?—yes, I can.

In addition to my certifications in hypnotherapy and therapeutic guided imagery, I trained in Reiki energy healing with Tanya Nord, a Reiki Master and hypnotherapy instructor at the Hypnosis Motivation Institute. When I earned my certifications as a first- and second-degree Reiki practitioner, Ms. Nord told the class that from now on our touch would have healing power. In addition to offering energy treatments for my clients, I also wanted to provide these natural healing techniques to help quiet and relax my equestrian clients’ horses and to ease my senior animals’ discomfort from arthritis pain. I finally took Lydia Hiby’s class on animal communication a few years ago, and a new world of sensitivity, communication and healing opened up for me.

Lydia is a former veterinary technician, so in addition to teaching her students how to do what she does as an animal communicator she also provides a lot of general information about animal behavior, general first-aid and conflict resolution techniques. One of the first things she teaches in her communication class is how to do an intuitive body scan to detect physical discomfort in an animal. I now use this skill every time I do Reiki to find out whether and where I should specifically direct this energy to relieve stress or tension in my clients (human and non-human). This technique is not a substitute for medical or veterinary care! Like hypnotherapy, I provide Reiki to complement traditional medical care/treatment. However, this technique can provide useful clues about where the medical or veterinary expert should focus the examination when the client confirms that he or she (or the pet) experiences physical discomfort in a specific area.

The most important skill I have honed through Lydia’s animal-communication training is to use and trust my intuition. I do not “know” where the information comes from when a dog tells me she wants to eat steak and peas or that a cat wants to be a pirate like Johnny Depp but is far from the brave, swashbuckling rogue that his humans believe him to be. I have no way of knowing that when the big horse I’m talking to says he loves apples, he has only just been introduced to this new delicacy two days ago. When I do these readings, Lydia or the owner (i.e., human “parent” or guardian) is usually present to confirm or dispute the accuracy of the information I picked up during the conversation. More often than not, I come up with otherwise obscure details that I should not have known about an animal I have never met before—but I have learned to trust my gut instinct and just go with what I am picking up.

I will discuss how people can apply the self-confidence and behavior-modification skills they have learned through hypnotherapy, and the (animal-)communication skills I am honing with Lydia Hiby, to help change a pet's unwanted behavior in tomorrow's blog.

 

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

For more information about Lydia Hiby and her work as an animal communicator, visit her web-site at www.lydiahiby.com.

© 2014