How Passive-Aggressive Behavior Affects Motivation

Photo by Sara Fogan

According to Erik Erikson’s Stages of Development model, passive-aggressive behavior begins when a child is between three to six years old (Loco-Motor stage), when he or she is just starting to become independent. The youngster also learns about guilt and initiative at this time. Erikson observed that if a child is punished or discouraged from expressing initiative, he or she would try to sabotage the parents. For example, the individual might wet or soil the pants instead of going to the bathroom despite having been toilet trained. This kind of passive-aggressive behavior carries over into adulthood as a way to subtly hurt or frustrate someone as if to teach a lesson to the other person. However, it is ultimately the person who behaves in this passive-aggression way who suffers the most.

John Kappas, Ph.D., considered passive-aggressive behavior part of a “losing syndrome” in which the person subconsciously always expects to fail because he or she was never allowed or encouraged to succeed at a task, or was even punished for being assertive. An example of passive-aggressive behavior in adulthood is an employee saying or doing something at work that contradicts the workplace environment/culture that jeopardizes the individual’s chances of promotion or even gets the person fired.

In the above example, Dr. Kappas worked with a man who sought hypnotherapy to increase his motivation about his job and stop procrastinating. The client conceded that he had had 20 jobs over the years; despite feeling optimistic and believing he would succeed at the beginning of each employment, it ultimately wouldn’t work out. When asked why the jobs didn’t work, the client blamed his co-workers when something went wrong; or, he became bored very quickly if he didn’t feel challenged if the job didn’t pay well.

To help the client work through these issues, the hypnotherapist identified and pointed out common denominators between the unwanted behavior (procrastination and low motivation) and the man’s passive-aggressive tendencies. Examples included tardiness to work, tendency to daydream, avoidance of responsibility and failing to show up at meetings or appointments. Next, Dr. Kappas recommended specific dietary changes to stabilize the client’s blood-sugar level and reduce anxiety and frustration, and gave him positive suggestions for future personal growth and appreciation of his abilities. Finally, Dr. Kappas introduced him to the Mental Bank Concept to increase the client’s motivation and sense of self-worth.

“Passive aggressiveness gets worse as the person gets older,” warned the Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder, which is why it is so important to obviate these behaviors sooner than later to ensure continued growth and opportunities for self-improvement.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2016

Thoughts of the Day

Photo by Sara Fogan

      Every now and then I like (and need) to take a few moments and remind myself about what is really important to me, in my life. If you follow me on my Calminsense Hypnotherapy Facebook page you may have seen some of these quotes before on this page, or will in the future. Many of these Quotes of the Day are beautiful examples and illustrations of the work I do as a hypnotherapist, so I will probably draw on them in future essays.

• “Don’t waste your words on people who deserve your silence. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is nothing at all.” – Mandy Hale

• “In today’s rush we all think too much, seek too much, want too much and forget about the joy of just Being.” – Eckhart  Tolle

• “You are more powerful than you know, and they fear the day you discover it.” – Unknown

• “Choose joy.” – Kris Karr

• “Don’t let the darkness from your past block the light of joy in your present. What happened is done. Stop giving time to things which no longer exist, when there is so much joy to be found here and now.” – Karen Salmansohn

• “Don’t ever save anything for a special occasion. Being alive is the special occasion.” – Author Unknown

• “If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.” – Lao Tzu

• “Some people may decide to hate you simply because your confidence reminds them of their insecurities.” – Ali B. Moe

• “Choose to be optimistic, it feels better.” ~ Dalai Lama 

• “There is no angry way to say bubbles.” – Author Unknown

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2016     

Alloparenting

Photo by Rick Hustead

Orcas (killer whales) do it. So do wolves and elephants. And in some cultures, more and more often, humans do it, too.

I am talking about Alloparenting.

This is when individuals in a group other than/in addition to a youngster’s parents participate in raising the child. For example, in Israel children may be raised in a kibbutz where they spend only a few hours each day with their own parents; instead, all the adults in the community help to raise the kids. Young athletes and dancers/performers often spend a majority of time living and training at facilities away from home and their families. Sure, their parents and academic tutors affect these kids’ lives; but the coach or dance/acting instructor’s advice is likely more influential. Apparently, before the Rio 2016 Olympics all five members of the United States women’s gymnastics team moved into their Olympic coach’s home so they could prepare for the Olympics. If any of these women felt homesick or got nervous about the stress of this major competition, they would have sought and received reassurance from their coach Márta Károlyi, not Mom or Dad.

I know many people who count at least one grandparent as a primary caregiver while mom and dad were at work. Families with a lot of children often enlist the older siblings to take on some roles more traditionally allocated to parents, such as transporting the younger kids to and from school, helping with homework or even preparing meals. Even when parents do have a significant role in their upbringing, siblings may even find themselves in the role of mentor to a younger brother or sister. After all, doesn’t advice about relationships and sex, how to negotiate social rites of passage at school, etc., seem so much more relevant and relatable when it comes from someone  is perceived as less authoritarian, than a parent? 

Another benefit of alloparenting comes to the parents, themselves. First-time parents might get support and advice from their own parents or grandparents to help get through the first week, or night, with a newborn in the home. If her own mother, sister or aunt isn’t around, a new mom might alternatively turn to a close friend or other women in her “Mommy-and-Me” program with more experience in this role for advice and even practical support. 

I am very fortunate to be able to consider the parents of my two best friends—who are like sisters to me, anyway—as surrogate parents. I met the entire family on my eighth birthday when they moved into the house across the street from us. As I grew up, I was alternately close with different members of the family, but Amy (the mom) introduced me to my first riding teacher and has continued to encourage my passion for horses and riding throughout my life. Paul (the dad) used to take his kids, me and my sister to the park, the movies and even taught us how to play basketball when we were little. When I returned to the United States after living in England for seven years, he and Amy would invite me over for “steak night” every Saturday night. Although I no longer eat meat, the memories of those evenings are among my favorite and most special. I could confide my feelings, hopes and fears to friends who were not my parents but still had a parental privilege/influence and perspective about how I went and tend to go through the world. They could provide a more objective perspective about a situation without fear of getting involved in family drama.

The plethora of collective life experience that other relatives and/or even close friends who participate in raising a child cannot be under-estimated or under-valued. I appreciate all of the parents in my life.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2016

Hypnosis to Overcome a Fear of Water

Photo by Rick Hustead

Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder John Kappas, Ph.D., once worked with a client to help her overcome her irrational fear of water. She told the hypnotherapist that she even felt anxious just thinking about water and always tried to wipe the fluid off her face as quickly as possible. This anxiety was a legitimate fear versus a phobia because the client had nearly drowned in a river as a young child and was subsequently involved in a car crash where the vehicle went over a bridge. However, she also manifested 27 symptoms consistent with having low blood sugar. 

When working with someone who has an irrational fear of water, start by advising the person to change her eating habits to normalize the blood-sugar level, Dr. Kappas advised. It is also necessary to modify her suggestibility to decrease this fear and susceptibility to suggestions about it. Once the client is in hypnosis, work with the individual to separate her anxiety of water and the sensation of it making contact with her face.

Use circle therapy to desensitize the person to the fear reaction by repeatedly having her bring up the fear and then relax, the hypnotherapist said. This process will help the individual associate relaxation with the originally threatening stimulus. As the client disassociates her fear of water from the fear of her physical reaction, she will gradually be able to think about this stimulus without associating it to a fear response.

Finally, use a double bind to lock in her sense of relaxation, Dr. Kappas said: “The harder you try to feel the fear of water, the more difficult it will become.”

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.