Familiar Themes

(This blog was originally posted on March 21, 2014)

 

 

                Have you ever noticed the way one event or thought can attract other, similar events or thoughts? Right after I posted my blog on March 19, 2019 about the importance of maintaining separate interests in a relationship, someone on Facebook posted a related quote from lessonslearnedinlife.com: “When you are truly comfortable with who you are not everybody will like you. But you won’t care about it one bit.” One of my friends wondered if I had a theme going with those posts. No. Not consciously, anyway.

I would not claim that this quote resonates with me all of the time. Of course, I do care if people like me. I love my family and friends. I enjoy working with and exchanging ideas with my colleagues and advisors. I feel uncomfortable if there is tension about something, and I will do my best to resolve the issue when I can. However, I am no longer willing to give up on my ideas, ideals or interests because someone disagrees with me or doesn’t like the same thing(s) I do.

In the last ten years or so since I trained in hypnotherapy and became a certified hypnotherapist, I have learned how to express how I feel in an assertive way, not an aggressive one. I have learned it is okay to explore my emotions and I listen to my instincts about something before I make a decision. I have learned how to actively listen to someone else’s point of view and re-frame or ask questions about what the other person said to make sure I really understand. I have learned that every new experience may be an “unknown” to my subconscious mind the first time I do it but, over time and practice, it will become familiar and easier to do. I have learned how to stay calm and focused in situations where, in the past, I might have had a panic attack. I have learned to be comfortable with myself, in my own skin, to accept an invitation or to say “no” if I don’t want to do something.

And while I have learned to be (and am) perfectly content to pursue my own interests, it is nice to hang out with people I like and who like me. I have learned a lot. So, “learning” is a familiar theme in this blog and hypnotherapy, too.

 

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

 

 

How to Deal With the Naysayer

Photo courtesy of Microsoft

 

                Every so often, we have to interact with somebody who holds very different beliefs than we do. In fact, this person seems so negative about absolutely everything that is suggested, we can’t wait to get as far away from this individual as we can, as fast as we can. Sometimes we even feel compelled to shoot back a few critical comments (in our defense) on the way out the door. To add insult to injury, we still sense that prickling cloud of negative energy swirling around this new environment long after we have achieved quite a bit of distance from the person. We wonder: Why did he say that? Why is she always so negative? Am I the only optimist left in the world?

                The most effective defense against negativity is to simply not react to the criticism/insult/sarcastic comment. I know how hard this can be, especially when you must deal with that person on a regular basis (e.g., a colleague or family member). Remember: energy attracts like energy. When someone criticizes you in a non-constructive/mean way, the most effective way to defuse the negative situation is to smile and thank him or her for pointing “x” out to you. Then (politely) leave the conversation or room. If you cannot extricate yourself from the situation, imagine that the “criticism” or insult was spoken in a soft, gentle voice with loving words and try the following imagery exercises:

·         Visualize, imagine, picture or pretend that you are wrapping delicate threads of protective energy around your body, from the top of your head to the tips of your toes. These threads are gold and silver light, thinner but stronger than anything that exists in the world. As they wrap around your body, you notice how relaxed you begin to feel; and the more relaxed you feel, the more patient and loving you are toward the person(s) who is hurting your feelings. With each deep breath you take, these strands of gold and silver light grow stronger and stronger and wind more tightly around your body to create an invisible shield that prevents any negative energy to attach itself to you. Each time you exhale, the negative energy bounces right off you and dissolves into the universe where it can no longer affect you or anyone else.

·         Visualize, imagine, picture or pretend that you are surrounded by very powerful, invisible magnets. Usually, these magnets are used to attract positive energy and emotions and increase your self-confidence to motivate you as you pursue your goals. If/when you notice that you are surrounded by negativity or your subconscious mind gets stuck repeating a self-critical mental script, simply “reverse” those magnets to push the negative energy away from you.

There is no excuse for being rude or mean when you criticize someone. In an ideal world, a criticism should and would always be a teachable moment. Even if it is disappointing to learn that your brilliant idea has many flaws, if you correct those mistakes as suggested, your project could be great. Take a few deep breaths to tamp down that urge to protest in defense and give the other person the benefit of the doubt. No matter how the words came out or the tone of voice the person said it in, on second thoughts you may realize that he or she is speaking from personal experience and actually has your best interest at heart. And if this isn’t the case, feel confident and respect yourself to follow your original path to achieve your goal, your way.

 

 

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/

Change Your Attitude

 

                A lot of the time, the way we deal with a stressful situation comes down to our attitude about what is going on. If we believe a minor inconvenience is a major disaster, we are likely to behave like it is. As soon as we perceive a threat in the environment, the subconscious mind goes into fight/flight mode, kicking the adrenal system will kick into high gear and flooding the bloodstream with adrenaline. Whether we are more likely to run away or stand up to the challenge and try to change the outcome of the situation depends a lot on our expectations about that outcome, based on our subconscious life script. If we can change these expectations, we can also change our behavioral response to that situation and the outcome of that scenario.

                One version of this philosophy is a quote from the film Barbarosa: “What cannot be remedied must be endured.” In other words, if we cannot change or improve our circumstances, we may still get through the challenge with minimal physical and emotional distress by gritting our teeth and ploughing through. Don’t make any waves or draw attention to yourself, just do whatever you need to do to deal with the situation until our luck improves. Alternatively, we can follow the Mother Superior’s advice to Maria in The Sound of Music: Climb every mountain. If and when we encounter an obstacle along our journey to fulfilling a dream or achieving a goal, continue to push forward toward your goal. Look for alternative strategies and different paths that you can take to get where you want to be.

                In his book Success Is Not an Accident, Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder John Kappas, Ph.D. explains how a person’s mental script and subconscious messages ultimately influence how and where the individual will direct energy and effort to realize a goal. Everyone has the power to achieve a goal, Dr. Kappas says, if the “correct” mental script for that success—like a road map or a recipe—is available and in place for the person to follow. However, if you don’t possess a subconscious mental script that compels you to pursue a goal when times are tough, repeated exposure (experience) to negative outcomes  may further jade your optimism about the likelihood of achieving the success you desire.

Hypnotherapy and therapeutic guided imagery can help you rewrite those negative mental scripts and help you to see that silver lining in the darkest of clouds. Remember: every belief and behavior you have learned can also be unlearned. Hypnosis is an effective, drug-free and natural way to help you override (i.e., unlearn) that previous mental script and override negative habits or beliefs that no longer work for you. so you can start living the kind of life you want and deserve to be living.

 

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/

 

Hypnotherapy and Divorce

Photo courtesy of Microsoft

Hypnotherapy can facilitate divorce mediation proceedings and
reduce animosity between the spouses.

 

If a couple decides to divorce but cannot amicably agree on a settlement, the petition is likely to go to a jury and mediation will be required. Hypnotherapy can help ease the tension between the estranged spouses and facilitate an amicable (or at least, less hostile) divorce.

Hypnosis Imitation Motivation Institute founder John Kappas, Ph.D., believed that a hypnotherapist can facilitate the mediation by helping both parties to construct an equitable settlement and encourage them to seek counsel from separate attorneys. The hypnotherapist’s professional stance in divorce mediation should always be one of objectivity and non-judgment, he continued. “You only need a mediator if one party contests the divorce,” Dr. Kappas said. “Have the facts already agreed/discussed before you get to court. If you’re volatile in court, the judge almost always rules against you.”

Dr. Kappas recommended that the hypnotherapist explain Emotional and Physical sexuality (http://www.hypnosis.edu/streaming/ep/) to the couple to enlighten them about each other’s behavioral patterns and motivations and work toward a settlement that both people can live with. Specifically, the hypnotherapist can help to ease tension between the estranged spouses, such as if a partner wants to “hang on” to the relationship or seeks revenge on an unfaithful spouse. In that case, the hypnotherapist may employ hypnotherapeutic techniques to address anger, guilt, sadness/disappointment and rejection by guiding the person through the stages of loss, systematic desensitization and de-loving techniques. A hypnotherapist can also work with the client to build or re-build the person’s self-confidence and self-esteem, accept responsibility his or her role in the break-up, and motivate the individual to pursue new interests.

                In terms of mediation proceedings, Dr. Kappas recommended that the divorce lawyer(s) be included in the therapy sessions. Payment to each professional should be equal for each session. The attorney would be responsible for explaining the divorce proceedings and give the couple a mediation sheet that outlines each spouse’s equity. The hypnotherapist would help each partner “agree to disagree and work out hostility between the spouses.”

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/

 

Your Definition of Success

 

 “The secret of success is to be ready when your opportunity comes.” – Benjamin Disraeli

 

                Everybody has a different idea about success. You might define success as having a loving family and being surrounded by good friends. For some people, being successful means that they have achieved a high status or received accolades for their work. For others, success means earning a lot of money and being wealthy. Regardless of how you define it, it is unlikely that you are the only person in your environment that has an opinion about what success really means. And, once again, your (and everyone else’s) definition of success comes down to your mental script and the subconscious knowns that created it.

                John Kappas, Ph.D.’s Theory of Mind explains how a person’s early-life experiences create the subconscious knowns that form the foundation of his or her life script. Our understanding and experience of success is created the same way. From a very early age, we associate a literal or metaphoric value to specific events that occur during our lifetime. Perhaps we are lavished with verbal praise and profuse expression of affection from a parent or caregiver when we do well, or we are given a monetary reward for earning good grades at school. Over time, we create an association between that thing we did well (or poorly) and other people’s response to that behavior. We also learn to associate our own feelings (pride, shame) about that performance and people’s response to what we have done. Furthermore, as we create an intrinsic association between our valuation of success and failure, and reward and consequences, we also develop expectations about how other people should value that kind of performance. Our self-confidence and self-esteem may even take a hit when other people do not acknowledge the quality of our work.

                Regardless of the way you consciously evaluate, describe and categorize success, your subconscious mind has troves of associations between your idea of it and how it physically, emotionally and even spiritually feels to “succeed.” Even if you have recently experienced myriad financial setbacks, if your known association of success means having a good job and earning a high salary, your subconscious mind is primed to seek and recognize an opportunity to have that, again. If your idea of success is to have a loving relationship and fulfilling family life, trust your subconscious “knowns” of this experience to attract this for you again. However, if your subconscious life script isn’t consistent with your goals, dreams or expectations, maybe it is time to rewrite that script. Changing your strategy for achieving your goals does not mean you have succeeded any less. Rather, you have probably scored a greater achievement for recognizing something wasn’t working and making appropriate adjustments to make your dream come true. Going back to Former British Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli’s sage advice, the secret to success—whatever your definition of it may be—is to always be looking for and ready to take a good opportunity when it is presented. The outcome may be even better than the one you originally imagined.

               

               

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/

 

 

Mimicry. Imitation. Communication.











Photo by Jennifer Berkowitz

 

                I recently witnessed something very interesting. While I was hanging out with my horse yesterday, a crow sitting on a branch in the tree beside me started to imitate the “honk” of some geese that belong to a neighbor next door to my trainer’s property. I know that crows are exceptionally bright, but I have never seen or heard anything like that. I don’t believe that this was just a case of mimicry, either: the crow deliberately honked to the goose several times as if trying to get the other bird’s attention. When it finally responded, the crow honked right back a few times and then waited for the goose to communicate again. Meanwhile, another crow nearby cawed at the original one in the tree; the first crow responded in kind a few times and then resumed its calls to the goose. How cool is that?

                This incident made me think about the different ways people imitate each other’s voices in speech and in song. Not just the words someone else says but also even the tone, pitch, rhythm/cadence, volume of the words and even regional dialect or accent. Why do we do this, and how—and when—do we know that we are getting it right? For example, when I lived in England while I worked on my post-graduate degree, I gradually developed a slight lilt in my voice. I didn’t notice this change in my speech until I returned to the United States and people commented that I had developed a cool accent while I was away. This change made perfect sense, as the people with whom I worked, lived and socialized were British; over time, my subconscious mind accepted these accents as a new known and I eventually adopted it (or a version of it) as my own.

Similarly, I often sing along when a favorite song comes on the radio or my iPod. My conscious mind knows that I do not sound anything Celine Dion, Annie Lennox, Katy Perry, Bon Jovi or Tim McGraw, but I still try to imitate those singers’ voices. Why won’t my subconscious mind let me give up that ghost and sing without trying to sound like someone I’m not? Even when I consciously try to sing in my own voice, in the back of my mind I can still imagine hearing what one of those performers sound like and I catch myself trying to sing the same way.

                My answer to that question may be found in Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder John Kappas, Ph.D.’s Theory of Mind. Dr. Kappas stated that from the moment we are born we start to develop a subconscious life script by learning specific behaviors through association and identification. Even though most of this script is written by the time we are about eight years old, the mind continues to take in more information which the subconscious mind may accept or reject. For example, we learned how to talk by associating and identifying specific words that a primary caretaker taught us, and then we imitated this behavior (e.g., how to move our mouths to create words) to speak. Over time, we also modeled other people to learn and correct our pronunciation and increase our vocabulary. Many parents or caretakers sing to their young children, which may explain people’s fondness for listening to music and singing, or participating in these activities ourselves. And, just like we did when we learned how to speak, once we learn the words to a song we like we subconsciously imitate the way the singer performs the lyrics.

                I wonder if the crow I observed yesterday was unintentionally imitating the neighbor’s goose to communicate with the other bird the same way humans do in speech and song.

 

 

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

 



Data Management

 

(This blog was originally posted on February 24, 2014)

 

 

Photo courtesy of Microsoft

                No matter what you do, even if you don’t try, you learn something new every day. The question is: What will you do with this new information that you have just learned?

                For example, imagine that your car’s gas gauge is almost on empty, so you pull into a gas station to fill up your tank. You notice that the cost of unleaded gas is up four cents from last week’s listed price, which triggers a familiar (known) emotional response of anger/frustration and even anxiety about the cost of fuel. What you do about or with this information will depend on how badly you need the fuel right now and whether it is/will be available when you are ready to make the purchase. Your actions will also be influenced on how you have handled similar situations in the past: Just fill up the tank and resolve this inconvenience, buy just enough gasoline to keep you on the road for a few more days, or drive around to look for a better price at a different station.

                Your subconscious mind likely knew exactly what you would do before you made the conscious decision to just fill up the tank. Even though your first instinct would normally be to look around for a better (cheaper) price, you decide to just buy the gas right now. Southern California is in the middle of a heat-wave, the Labor Day traffic is likely to be heavy today as people are returning home after their long weekend. You don’t want to risk getting stuck on the road in 100-plus degree temperatures. Also, if a lot of other nervous drivers have the same idea, you might have to drive around forever looking for a station that has a better price, but it could already be sold out of gas before you get there. Even though you are still annoyed that you had to spend so much more money to buy the fuel than if you had shopped around a bit more, you are relieved that the tank is full, and you no longer have to worry about getting stuck in bad weather.

Remember: Every sensation you perceive provides a catalog of information about your environment and how/where/why you fit into that situation. The conscious mind identifies this data (stimuli) as a “known” or “unknown” message unit; the subconscious mind is more likely to accept or reject the information/behavior if it is already in your repertoire of knowns—and you will act accordingly. Furthermore, no matter what you do, you will be creating a new and/or reinforcing a previous known behavior in your repertoire.

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014