Applying the Model of Emotional and Physical Sexuality When the Client Is Having an Affair, Part 2

Photo by Rick Hustead

In my blog titled Applying the Model of Emotional and Physical Sexuality When the Client Is Having an Affair, Part 1, I explained the hypnotherapist’s role in keeping the client’s confidence about this disclosure. In this essay, I describe the process of helping the person salvage or even end the marriage/original partnership, depending on the client’s relationship goals.

Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder John Kappas, Ph.D. suggested it may be useful for the hypnotherapist to meet with the client’s spouse (without disclosing information about the affair) to gauge how to construct an appropriate therapy for the client. From there, the hypnotherapist can work with the client to identify which issues need to be addressed and devise a plan or program for working out the relationship conflicts. If both partners want to salvage the relationship and the other person also wants to receive hypnotherapy to address these issues, a different hypnotherapist should with him or her to prevent conflict of interest. (It may also be advisable to consult with a licensed Marriage and Family therapist in this situation.)

If the Physical Sexual partner won’t “let go” of the relationship, the hypnotherapist can use the Emotional and Physical Sexuality model to wean the person away from the rejecting spouse or lover. The hypnotherapist can work with the person to increase self-esteem, self-confidence and independence without completely dashing his or her hopes that reconciliation is still possible. “Don’t get demanding; don’t get ‘physical’ on him. Subtly reject him, don’t get approach him,” Dr. Kappas said.

If and when both partners agree that the relationship can’t be salvaged, the hypnotherapist may be called upon to help them come to terms with the fact that the marriage is over and it is time to part ways. At this time, when the client is in hypnosis it may be appropriate to take the person through the five stages of loss or even a process of “de-loving” to help the individual come to terms with the fact that the relationship has ended.

Consistent with the standards of ethical and legal practice at HMI, I do not provide couples’ therapy for my clients because I am not a licensed psychologist. Therefore, during a joint evaluation session such as what I described above, I would help both partners define which issues they want to address in therapy and establish guidelines about how they may interact with each other. To prevent conflict of interest, I would continue to work with my original client to achieve those relationship goals and refer the partner/spouse to a different hypnotherapist to independently work toward his or her relationship goals. Both partners’ therapies should feature a Systems Approach and take the other person into account when modifying/changing his or her behavior.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2016

Applying the Model of Emotional and Physical Sexuality When the Client Is Having an Affair, Part 1

Photo by Rick Hustead

Rapport between the hypnotherapist and the client is a key component of therapeutic success. One way to build rapport between them is for the client to know that the information disclosed to the hypnotherapist is that this information is confidential. (An exception to this protocol is if the client expresses an intention to harm him- or herself or another person. In that context, the hypnotherapist is obligated to inform authorities and/or warn the intended victim of this danger.) But if a client discloses that he or she had or is having an affair the hypnotherapist must honor the person’s trust and not disclose this information to the spouse/significant other.

Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder John Kappas, Ph.D. advised the client to not tell the spouse/partner about the infidelity if the person wanted to preserve the marriage if this disclosure was likely to destroy that relationship. During the cognitive portion of the hypnotherapy session the hypnotherapist must help the client understand the nature of Emotional and Physical Sexuality and how the person’s having an affair fits into this model. For example, an Emotional Sexual personality may have an affair because he or she has become bored or frustrated in the marriage.

It is important that the client “buys” the symptoms or behaviors of these personalities in order to understand why he or she was unfaithful. Dr. Kappas explained: “An Emotional [Sexual] male doesn’t feel guilty about cheating, just that the other person will feel hurt. The Emotional male has probably already replaced [his wife], but he’s not too concerned about the mistress because he usually doesn’t end up with her. But once he thinks about the futility of the behavior in therapy, he usually returns to the relationship.” Conversely, an Emotional Sexual male wouldn’t believe that his wife would be unfaithful, and it is difficult for a Physical Sexual male to tell the Emotional Sexual female that he has had an affair. 

The hypnotherapist should also explain to the client how each sexual personality response to frustration in a relationship and the perception/fear of being abandoned. A Physical Sexual will also leave a relationship if he or she is bored or the Emotional Sexual partner “set it up” that way by rejecting the partner until he or she leaves the marriage, etc. However, a Physical Sexual may become even more locked into the failing relationship if he or she feels rejected, the HMI founder warned. “Never tell a Physical Sexual to leave a relationship; it won’t work,” he said.

In tomorrow’s blog I will describe how hypnotherapy can be used to help the client salvage or end the marriage/original partnership depending on the person’s relationship goals.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2016

Thoughts of the Day

Photo by Sara Fogan

      Every now and then I like (and need) to take a few moments and remind myself about what is really important to me, in my life. If you follow me on my Calminsense Hypnotherapy Facebook page you may have seen some of these quotes before on this page, or will in the future. Many of these Quotes of the Day are beautiful examples and illustrations of the work I do as a hypnotherapist, so I will probably draw on them in future essays.

• “The obscure we see eventually. The completely obvious, it seems, takes longer.” – Edward R. Murrow

• “Focus on where you want to go, not on what you fear.” - Anthony Robbins

• “What you resist, persists.” – Carl Jung

• “Your ability to endure difficult things today is in direct proportion to the clarity of your vision of the future.” – Bruce van Horn

• “You must expect great things of yourself before you can do them.” – Michael Jordan

• “Words mean more than what is set down on paper. It takes the human voice to infuse them with shades of deeper meaning.” – MayaAngelou

• “There are no chains like hate...dwelling on your brother's faults multiplies your own. You are far from the end of your journey.” – Buddha

• “We have more opportunities available in each moment than we realize.” – Thich Nhat Hanh

• “Sometimes life takes an unexpected wrong turn in the right direction.” – Anonymous

• “Some spaces look negative on the surface but you’ll soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.” – Eckhart  Tolle

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2016

Open to Interpretation

“Effective communication is 20% what you know and 80% how you feel

about what you know.” – Jim Rohn

 

Photo by Rick Hustead

The sentiment in quote above is very similar to a saying that the late hypnotherapist, Alex G. Kappas, Ph.D., used to tell his students when explaining (mis)communication. Here is the quote: “I know you believe you think you understand what I have just said; but I am not sure that what you heard is not what I meant.” Are you confused? Don’t worry about it; the play on words is intentional and meant to illustrate his point: effective communication is equally a matter of expression interpretation. When the message or “point” of that communication is missed or misunderstood, all sorts of chaos can ensue.

For example, in the recent episode of Game of Thrones: “Battle of the Bastards,” a particularly nasty character warned his estranged wife that he would always be a part of her. Like other devoted fans of the show, those words set off a number of alarm bells in my mind. “Could Sansa be pregnant? After everything that horrible man put her through, could she really be carrying Ramsay Bolton’s baby?” I was alternately horrified and sad for her.

Then I took a deep breath and decided not to second-guess the implications of Lord Bolton’s warning. First of all, the plot of GoT is nothing if not a mental chess game. I, for one, have no intention of spending a year wondering about Sansa Stark’s state (with child or not) like I fretted for eight months whether Jon Snow truly died in last year’s season finale. (Spoiler alert: he did not.) I reminded myself that emotional suggestibility makes it more likely to read/interpret a hidden meaning into a statement like that. Author George R.  R. Martin and the skilled filmmakers, script-writers and directors who have brought his best-selling books to celluloid life know how to create action and scenarios that seduce readers and viewers, taking us with them into their fantastic worlds.

Conversely, one of the series co-stars (Liam Cunningham, “Davos Seaworth”) reportedly told the Huffington Post that his interpretation of Lord Bolton’s warning was more likely a literal statement of fact than foreshadowing the birth of his heir. Cunningham explained that Bolton wanted Sansa to know that while their time together was fairly short, she would always remember and feel how he tortured her and these memories would continue to torment her. If you have read the books and/or watched their video incarnation on HBO, you know exactly why his words would be true. 

Having said that, in keeping with Dr. Alex Kappas’s instruction and the guessing-games and mental gymnastics Game of Thrones subjects (pun intended) its fans to, the true meaning of this statement truly is up for inference and interpretation. And a little (or a lot of) imagination.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2016