Body Language

(This blog was originally posted on April 25, 2014)

 

                I am fascinated by one of the television advertisement for mobile (cell) phone services. In the ad, a group of potential customers puts a representative of a major, national phone company through her paces as they ask about various communications features that the company offers. Viewers are led to infer that the prospective customers are real-estate agents, because each of them is professionally clad in a tan sports blazer with a large emblem of a house on the left side of the jacket. The group pretty much verifies the identity of their vocation when one of the women says, “Let’s close!” and they all cross their arms over their chest and grin. But it is what the customers and the sales representative say with their bodies throughout the ad that is of greatest interest to me.

                Throughout the ad, the phone-company representative matches every physical and facial gesture that her prospective clients make. As a customer’s voice lilts at the end of a question, the salesperson uses a similar lilt in her response. When one person points a finger to make a point, the sales rep makes the same movement during her explanation. Someone steeples her fingers across her midsection; the sales rep makes the same gesture. Another person in the group nods and raises her eyebrows; so does she. When the camera pans back a little, viewers can see that the sales rep has even adopted a similar stance as she stands with the customers. At the end of the advertisement when one of the customers crosses her arms and announces they will all take (“close”) the deal, her colleagues look at her and immediately imitate the crossed-arms gesture.

                I like this ad because it is such a fabulous demonstration of how people mirror someone’s behavior in order to build rapport with someone. If your job entails selling products or services, you probably recognized every sales technique depicted in the advertisement I just described. But you don’t have to be a salesperson or a customer to identify with what went on. We mirror each other’s various behaviors—facial expressions, physical gestures, patterns of speech—all the time, often without realizing that we are doing it. These actions are like a “fast track” to building rapport with someone you would like to get to know better. People are naturally attracted to others who behave or seem to think like they do.

Think about a conversation you have had recently: Did you nod at some point during the conversation or lean forward in your seat as if to listen to your companion’s words even more closely? And did your companion then lean his or her body closer to yours, return your nod or mirror a hand movement that you were previously unaware of having made? Did you notice when your spouse or friend took a step forward, backward or sideways to mirror your stance, or raised or lowered his or her voice to match the tone of yours? These are examples of mirroring; and mirroring is a subconscious (or conscious) behavior that creates rapport and can facilitate social bonds by reinforcing similarity or familiarity between you. Rapport is an inherent and necessary component of every kind of relationship; it is the cornerstone upon which every relationship is built. It is only when we establish rapport with someone are we likely to explore the similarities and differences between us, and know whether we want to spend the time and energy to create a social, romantic or professional relationship with that person. Without rapport, we cannot come to trust, respect, like or communicate well with him or her, and a relationship—or a successful sale—is unlikely to result from the interaction.

 

 

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

 

Forgiveness

Photo courtesy of Microsoft

 

                Have you ever got stuck in a blame-game with someone, refusing to accept some responsibility for your role in the situation or to accept the other person’s apology for hurting you? Do you ever hold onto the anger and emotional pain about something that occurred so long ago that you don’t even feel those emotions anymore but keep holding onto them because…you don’t even know why? Would you be willing to let go of all that negative energy if you knew this release would help you feel better, to be at peace and free you from the emotional baggage you have been dragging around?

I recently saw this quote from Inspirationboost.com, and it really resonated with me: “Forgive. Not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace.”

At some point during our lifetime, someone hurts us. This injury may be physical or metaphoric, intentional or accidental, but long after the physical wounds have healed some emotional scars continue to feel raw. To assuage this pain and gain a sense of control over what happened, we may claim that the injury was justified or believe that we somehow brought it on ourselves. Indeed, it can be very difficult to see past this pain when someone you once cared about is hurling verbal and legal barbs your way during an acrimonious divorce or dissolution of a business or social relationship. You may even resent and even guilt/shame for having ever trusted him or her with your heart (and your finances).

The problem with holding onto these negative emotions is you are the one who continues to suffer emotional pain long after the relationship is ended and you and the other person have parted ways for good. Whenever you dwell on the negative events that happened during the relationship and the sadness or anger that you felt at the time, you reinforce the strength and the habit of feeling (and feeding) those negative emotions. This continued bombardment of thoughts, memories and negative associations with the past relationship overloads the conscious mind, triggering the fight/flight mechanism and putting you in an even more hyper-suggestible state (hypnosis). Since we are most suggestible to ourselves, every time we repeat a thought or behavior you reinforce its strength and power in your subconscious mind. In other words, you are hypnotizing yourself to perpetuate this unwanted behavior. Ultimately, the most effective way to heal from that hurt is to forgive the person who inflicted it so you can pursue the life that you want and deserve to be living.

               

  

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

Flight Syndrome: What Does Your Behavior Say About How You Feel?

                According to John Kappas, Ph.D., whenever a person represses or does not express an emotion the displaced energy from that experience is converted into a physical “symptom” of that emotional trauma. The phenomenon is called a body syndrome. There are no nerve endings in the brain; however, the sensory perception (e.g., smell, taste, sight, hearing, touch) that begins there send electric impulses that carry this information through the body. These impulses ultimately begin to manifest physical discomfort in areas of the body that are specifically associated with a certain repressed emotion. Once we are aware of which emotion is being manifested, we can treat the syndrome, the Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder stated.

                A few nights ago, a late-night talk-show host told his audience that he tends to wander across the stage while he does the monolog during his show. In fact, the host confided that he never really noticed this behavior until one of his producers showed him a clip from a previous episode. Sure enough, within a few minutes he had drifted several feet to the left of his mark (tape) on the middle of the stage. His studio audience laughed. My mind whirred and came up with an immediate explanation for his nightly migrations across the stage:  Flight Syndrome.

                Flight Syndrome represents physical symptoms and behaviors that affect the legs and feet. In this syndrome, a person manifests his or subconscious desire to run away from a situation or problem that may be inducing fear or anxiety. Physical symptoms affect the muscular/skeletal structure of the legs and feet (e.g., bunions, breaks or sprains) or even disorders of the circulatory or nervous system (e.g., varicose veins or neuropathy). Flight syndrome behaviors include pacing, toe tapping and an inability to remain still.

As a certified hypnotherapist, it is out of my scope of expertise to diagnose an illness or to recognize/identify specific symptoms that have a psychological or physiological basis. Therefore, I do and will refer clients to an appropriate licensed medical or psychology professional to determine the cause and/or treat that specific physical symptom that. However, once this other expert has ruled out a medical etiology of your symptom, with a follow-up referral from that licensed professional, I can continue to work with you in hypnotherapy, which can provide complementary therapeutic benefits and help to alleviate and/or control these symptoms and help you to pursue and achieve your vocational and avocational self-improvement goals.

People generally do not know the cause of this presenting issue when they seek hypnotherapy. Therefore, the first step to treating someone who is manifesting a flight syndrome is to explore what the client is running away from and possible reasons why the client needs or wants to run away. Once the possible cause(s) has been established, I would use systematic desensitization to help the client neutralize the intensity of the stimulus that triggers his or her physical symptom or flight behavior. I would also incorporate guided therapeutic imagery and teach the emotional freedom technique to increase the person’s perception of being able to control and prevail over the flight triggers and manage symptoms of physiological discomfort.

 

               

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

 

 

The Art of Perfecting a Behavior

(This blog was originally posted on February 11, 2014)

 

                Everybody has a different idea of perfection. There is perfect weather. A perfect test score. And then there is the perfect boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse. The list goes on, ad infinitum—as do our expectations of what constitutes perfection and our desire to possess it. What if I were to tell you that you are already perfect, just the way you are?

                It is true. Your subconscious mind is literally programmed to try to do everything you ask or want it to do—including those behaviors and beliefs that no longer work for you and want to change or get rid of. The longer you have done or been practicing that behavior, the more deeply you ingrain it in your mind. Eventually, it becomes a default, a comfort zone, a known. Every time you repeat that behavior or habit, you send another positive message to your subconscious that reinforces your comfortable association with what you are doing. In his Theory of Mind, John Kappas, Ph.D., refers to the subconscious mind categorizing certain events or stimuli as “pleasure.” In this context, pleasure is something the person identifies as familiar or known, but not necessarily “pleasurable.” In other words, you are equally likely to continue to behave in a particular way even if it is uncomfortable, because that behavior is what you know and where your subconscious mind tells you that you are safe.

                For example, a chronic smoker has smoked two packs of cigarettes each day since she was 14. Her parents smoked for as long as she can remember, and her mother actually gave her that first-ever cigarette. Even though she is battling emphysema, she continues to smoke partly because, subconsciously, the smells of a just-lit cigarette or the sulfur from an extinguished match take her back to memories of that rare moment of mother-daughter bonding. Or, a recent Lottery winner blows through his entire jackpot in a matter of months: having struggled financially throughout his adult life, he had no experience (knowns) of how to enjoy this windfall in a responsible way. And then there is that individual who continues to embark on a series of disastrous romances in which the love interest already has a partner, or is physically/emotionally abusive or emotionally unavailable. Even though he or she can recognize the repeating pattern, the person seems incapable of leaving, let alone avoiding, that situation again and again.

                When I work with you to change or replace unwanted behaviors through hypnotherapy, one of the first things I do is explain Dr. Kappas’ Theory of Mind in relation to how it is applicable to your current beliefs and behaviors. I explain how your “knowns” were created in your subconscious mind, and how the SCM reinforces them each time you repeat that behavior. Finally, I will reassure you that since you are so good (perfect) at reinforcing this undesired, original habit, you are perfectly equipped to learn and practice the new, desired behavior. With the exception of your reactions to the fear of falling and the fear of loud noises—which every person is born with—you have had to learn every one of your beliefs and behaviors. If you want to change or get rid of one of them, it is in your power to do just that.

 

 

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

 

 

 

The Day the World Changed

Photo courtesy of Microsoft

                September 11, 2001.

                I remember where I was and exactly what I was doing when I first heard that a commercial airliner had crashed into the North Tower of the World Trade Center. Less than 20 minutes later, a second jetliner hit the South Tower. By the time a third jet barreled into the Pentagon and a fourth went down in a remote field in Pennsylvania, it was obvious that the United States was under attack and the world as we knew it would never be the same.

                Gone are the days when we may walk our grandparents down the jet way and escort them right to the door of an airplane to wave goodbye when they go home after Thanksgiving. (We can’t even walk through airport security with our shoes still on.) Gone are the days when the only things we had to worry about when we traveled were weather delays or mechanical problems on the jet, coach or train we are traveling on. Oh, no: that is our old (now largely untenable) subconscious mental script. In the past 13 years, the bigger concern and occasional reality is whether the person seated beside us is carrying a concealed weapon such as a bomb or blade. Thirty years ago, hostages on a hijacked plane or ship could usually rely on eventually being released to survive their ordeal when the bad guy(s) were caught or left their human collateral behind in their escape. Since September 11, 2001 most people seem to know—believe?—that we may not escape such an attack with our lives.

                Now, let’s turn that mind-set around. As a species, humans are very good at surviving, enduring and adapting to the physical and social environment in which we live. While I lived in England during the 1990s, everyone knew better than to ever leave bags, packages or luggage unattended anywhere, or else the police confiscate and destroy (blow up) the bag in case it was a bomb. Precaution, observation and adherence to the new security motto if you see something, say something have become our new subconscious known in the United States, too. We do not take our freedom or security so much for granted anymore, simply because we can’t afford to do so. Our metaphoric antennae are ever on alert, ready to raise the alarm if something doesn’t look, sound or seem right. By the time the passengers and crew aboard United Airlines Flight 93 realized their flight was doomed, they likely knew from phone calls to loved ones that they were heading toward a similar fate as what had already happened in New York City and Washington. Armed with the knowledge that they would not survive the hijacking no matter where the flight ended, they reportedly confronted and fought back against the terrorists. Their heroic actions not only saved thousands more lives by crashing the plane into a Pennsylvania field instead of the Capitol building but also created a new subconscious known for the rest of us: it is okay to fight back. Indeed, since we know and acutely remember that what happened thirteen years ago could happen again, we are more ready to jump right into the fray and prevent a fellow traveler from igniting explosives in his shoes or underwear. Even though we may grumble about the inconvenience, we submit to the extra interview, x-ray and pat-down at the security gates before boarding a plane or even entering a landmark building.

For me, our ability to endure even after those terrorist attacks proved that the capacity of our subconscious mind is a major key to humanity’s ability to survive extreme tragedy and bear almost unbearable loss. If not for the SCM’s ability to translate, store and retrieve those danger message units from the environment and anchor that perception to a fight/flight response, countless more people would likely have perished on and since September 11, 2001.

My thoughts and prayers are with the victims, their families and friends, and the first-responders who sacrificed and lost so much, thirteen years ago today.

 

 

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

 

Compulsive Behavior and Hypnotherapy

Photo courtesy of Microsoft

 

                Compulsive behavior can affect hypnotherapy by increasing the client’s resistance to modifying behaviors or habits that enable him or her to repress “unacceptable” feelings that may produce a secondary gain. Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder John Kappas, Ph.D. observed that obsessive-compulsive behavior can even impede therapy because the client may not be able to evaluate or accept the need to change the compulsive behavior that is helping to achieve specific goals. Furthermore, the person may also wonder how he or she will be able to resist the urge to repeat the compulsive behavior outside of the therapist’s office.

                Treating someone with an obsessive-compulsive issue is often a long-term process. While the client is completely dominated by thoughts about the presenting issue (e.g., fear of being alone), he or she may also have a strong abreaction (resistance) to any suggestions about changing the compulsive behavior (e.g., repetitive hand-washing). Therefore, it is important for the client to perceive that he or she will direct the progress of the therapy before the individual goes into hypnosis. “Tell the client what the problem is, where it came from [and] what you (the hypnotherapist) plan to do, and give the person options for treatment,” Dr. Kappas recommended.

                As the individual begins to change behavior, he or she must face unknowns in accepting the hypnotherapist’s suggestions for modifying those behaviors or belief systems that are no longer working. Furthermore, the possibility that the compulsive behavior garners a secondary gain, such as being identified as/receiving attention for someone who possesses a particular trait. Such identification may increase the client’s subconscious desire to resist letting go of the compulsive behavior, the hypnotherapist warned.

                Most important to facilitating a successful therapeutic process is for the hypnotherapist to accept the client and to provide unconditional positive regard for him or her, regardless of the presenting issue. Meanwhile, the hypnotherapist should gently direct the client toward recognizing which behaviors no longer work for or in that person’s life, and replace these with beliefs and actions that do.

                “If you don’t do anything in moderation, you won’t take pain in moderation, either,” Dr. Kappas said. “You’ll develop a mechanism of feeling how you want to feel, now. You don’t have to hold onto that pain.”

 

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

 

Theory of Mind and The Hundred-Foot Journey

(Spoiler alert: This blog contains information about some key plot scenes. Please do not read it if you have not yet seen—but intend to watch this film!)

  

                This afternoon, I was treated to two hours of culinary Nirvana on the silver screen.

                The Hundred-Foot Journey captivated me from the first frame, when a little boy follows his mother through a crowded market to select food for their family’s meal. Of course, that little boy grows up to become the chef and a main character in the movie. What he learns about gourmet cooking and life turns out to be good lessons for the audience, too.

                In addition to admiring the scrumptious feasts that the rival restaurants present for their customers, I also had an opportunity to observe how neighbors from two seemingly disparate cultures opened their minds and their hearts to each other. This movie is an elegant illustration of how John Kappas, Ph.D.’s Theory of Mind can transcend cultural differences by initially hindering and ultimately facilitate people’s relationships and acceptance of those different cultures.

According to the Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder, human behavior is based on the subconscious mental scripts that we create during early childhood. From birth until about eight years old, the SCM is accumulating and storing various message units that will ultimately comprise the subconscious life script. Each message is ultimately categorized as a positive (pleasure) or negative (pain) experience. Anything that the subconscious mind does not recognize falls under the category of “pain”; the resistance to meet/welcome someone new into our lives or to try a new experience (e.g., flavor) is the mind’s way of protecting us from potential danger.

After Hassan Kadam and his family are forced to leave their home in India they ultimately settle in a small town in the French countryside. His father purchases a property across the road from a traditional French restaurant and decides to also open a restaurant (Maison Mumbai), which will serve traditional Indian cuisine. Hassan and his siblings initially protest their father’s plan: there is already a Michelin-starred restaurant across the street, they argue; anyway, why would villagers want to eat the fare they will serve? They probably wouldn’t like or appreciate the stronger flavors and the restaurant would never be successful. The family’s reasoning came from their subconscious fear of repeating previous failures and their belief that their neighbors would be afraid of the unknown (i.e., eating food they had never tried before). Papa disagrees: How do they know they won’t like it? They’ve never had it! His argument comes from the will-power, reasoning, decision-making and logical faculties of his conscious mind.

When the family has trouble attracting customers for the grand opening of their restaurant, the patriarch changes from the Western European suit he has been wearing and dons traditional Indian clothing (including a turban). He instructs his teen-age daughter to do the same, and the bright lights decorating the faux façade of the Taj Mahal in front of Maison Mumbai and lively, traditional music emanating from within attracts the guests. Papa Kadam obviously realized that the way to attract clientele to his new restaurant was by giving them what they already “knew” and therefore wanted: what they believed to be traditional Indian culture that matched the traditional Indian cuisine they were about to experience.

In my favorite example of how the SCM learns to accept new knowns and adopt new behaviors, Hassan Kadam incorporates a traditional Indian spice in a traditional French recipe. His new employer, Madame Mallory—the Kadam family’s former rival and the restaurateur across the road—is loath to make even a minute modification to a centuries’ old recipe. When she demands to know why anyone would want to change an old tradition, he patiently explains that maybe it is time for the old tradition to be let go. I believe the aspiring chef is able to make his case about this modification for two reasons. First, because his employer has previously tasted and enjoyed the traditional Indian spices he has incorporated in other dishes he has prepared, so these flavors are becoming more familiar or even a known to her subconscious mind. Second—and I believe more importantly—because the Kadam family’s personal and professional relationships with Madame Mallory had become more mutually respectful and even cordial. Just as Hassan was open and eager to accept culinary suggestions about how to create a traditional French meal, she had also become amenable to adding ingredients and spices from his traditional cuisine to the menu at her restaurant.

                This blog is just an appetizer, as it were, to the various culinary, emotional and human behavioral delights you will experience when you watch The Hundred-Foot Journey. Needless to say, I highly recommend this movie…just be sure to have something to eat first, because you might find yourself feeling very hungry looking at all of that sumptuous food!

 

 

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014