Just Say No!

Elton John sings, “‘Sorry’ seems to be the hardest word.” That may be true; but ‘no’—the key word in assertiveness, in my opinion—is right up there in the Number Two position of difficulty for so many people to say, especially females. I often wonder why that is. Perhaps it has to do with the texture of the words, themselves. The definite, hard consonant “n” and then a long “o” gives the pronunciation and enunciation of no a cold, harsh sound. In comparison, the sometimes-vowel “y”, short “e” and the soft, drawn out “s” when we say yes create an almost musical or lyrical sound. Yes is a nice word to hear and say.

This point brings me to the implication and connotations associated with each of these words. From early childhood, we learn to associate positive emotions and experiences—such as presents, treats and rewards, with yes; whereas adherence to strict rules, criticism and/or punishment tend to go with no. What child has not categorized a parent, guardian or teacher who says yes a lot as being “nice,” compared to the adult who expects Johnny and Sue to be on their best behavior and do their homework before they get to go outside to play? Even in adulthood, it is natural to prefer the company of someone who does what we like and want them to do, compared to an individual who will not go along with our plans or desires just to please us, if doing so won’t benefit the other person. In the heat of the moment, it is impossible to understand the motives and inner fortitude of people who can say “no” without blinking an eye and refusing to back down: how come they are so stubborn?  Sometimes, we even resent them for their willingness to stand up and fight for their beliefs, especially when this stance blocks or interferes with our plans. And yet, these are the people many of us secretly admire and want to be like.

Self-confidence and self-esteem are key components behind the willingness to say yes and the ability to say no. Neither trait is automatic, nor are they mutually inclusive: It is possible to be very confident but have very low self-esteem (self-value), and vice versa. When I work with a client to help the person become more assertive, one of the first things I do is assess and, if necessary, increase the person’s self-confidence and strengthen his or her self-esteem. This work is imperative because it shores up the person’s defenses against negative self-chatter and suggestibility to other people’s criticism as he or she works to achieve this vocational and avocational self-improvement goal. Next, I use relaxation and therapeutic guided-imagery techniques in hypnosis to help the person rehearse using the assertive behaviors. This exercise not only creates a new known in the subconscious mind that he or she can be assertive, it reinforces the person’s confidence that he or she can use this new skill effectively and successfully in the real world.

No isn’t so hard to say, after all.

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

 

Hypnotherapy and Public Speaking

Photo courtesy of Microsoft

Hypnotherapy is a very effective modality to help boost
confidence and overcome fear of public speaking.

 

                This evening I came across the outline for my first-ever presentation about hypnosis. It had been an assignment for the Speech Craft class that my classmates and I took at the Hypnosis Motivation Institute a couple of months before graduation. In it, we learned all of the fine points of crafting and delivering an effective, impactful speech about some element of our new, future vocation as certified hypnotherapists. My speech was very basic: I included some personal information about me and my educational background in the introduction, and then I focused on how and why I decided to become a hypnotherapist. That should be easy, right? Not so fast.

Reading those notes again, 10 years later, I could still remember how nervous I felt while I composed the draft for that speech. As a rule, I did not like to speak in public. I hated to be the center of attention in any circumstance, as I knew I would have to be when I did my presentation. Finally, the instructor and my classmates would be grading my presentation, a prospect that not only exacerbated my anxieties about public speaking but also of taking tests.

Before I drove to class that night, I made sure that I ate a nutritious meal with protein to keep my blood-sugar level (and mood) stable, which I knew would help to lower my anxiety. I wore one of my most professional-looking skirt suits that always helped me feel confident. Once I was in class, I practiced diaphragmatic breathing to calm my nerves while I waited for my turn to speak.

When the instructor finally called me up to the podium to do my presentation, my mind flashed back to the best advice I have ever received about public speaking. The current director of HMI, George Kappas, M.A., C.Ht., once gave the class a pep talk about public speaking and doing presentations on hypnosis and hypnotherapy to the general public. He reassured us that each of us would probably know more about this topic than anyone else in the room. He told us to relax and even suggested that we probably wouldn’t (shouldn’t) even need or want to use notes or notecards to prompt our speeches because, again, we would already be the experts on this topic. So when I stepped up to the podium that night, I took his words to heart and allowed myself to own the room. Since this presentation was about me and my experience, I could be (and was) completely confident that I was the expert in the room about this topic. That night, I was finally able to overcome a personal challenge. To my surprise, I even created a new “known” in my subconscious mind: public speaking was fun!

Looking back, this class turned out to be one of my favorites on the hypnotherapy-certification program at HMI. First, the assignment made me face and overcome my fear and discomfort about public speaking and taking tests. Second, the experience of having to do a presentation gave me an invaluable opportunity to experience the efficacy of techniques that I now also use and teach to my clients to help them overcome similar fears and anxieties.

 

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

 

We Carry On

Photo courtesy of Microsoft

I salute everyone who participated in the Boston Marathon today.
Congratulations on races well run!

 

 

                One year ago last week, terrorist bombs exploded during the 2013 Boston Marathon. Three people died and more than 260 others were wounded, some with severed or mutilated limbs. As Americans, our nerves were shattered that another attack could actually happen again on our soil again. It was like September 11, 2001 all over again. But as a nation and as individuals, we are strong. We overcome adversity. We learn from our experiences to come back even better than ever.

                The fear, trauma and tragedy that the athletes, bystanders and citizens of Boston experienced during the 2013 Boston Marathon cannot be denied. All of the horror associated with that day has become anchored in our nation’s collective subconscious mind. However, to quote Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder John Kappas, Ph.D., today we once again proved that it is possible to “turn the situation around.” As a nation, Americans learned important lessons of survival, perseverance and endurance after we experienced the tragedy at last year’s great race. There were no breaches in security. The local and national law-enforcement agencies present to protect the athletes and the city exchanged information and shared a network of security cameras and video that kept track of everything that going on around them. Spectators cooperated with security regulations and left backpacks and other potentially suspicious packages at home. For the most part, everyone tolerated the temporary inconvenience of blocked streets. Participants and supporters cheering along the race route were compassionate, encouraging and supportive of each other. Some people ran in honor of the ones who were injured or died. Others participated in a demonstration of personal courage and determination to not allow fear or anxiety to dictate how, when and where they live their lives.

Today, the Boston 2014 Marathon was a success. The athlete who won the men’s marathon was the first American in 30 years to do so. These intense security precautions paid off and everyone—32,000 marathon runners, police officers, National Guard personnel and spectators, alike—remained safe and could enjoy one of our nation’s most celebrated annual sports events.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

Body Syndromes

 

                According to John Kappas, Ph.D., whenever a person represses or holds in (does not express) an emotion the displaced energy from that experience is converted into a physical “symptom” of that emotional trauma. Even though there are no nerve endings in the brain, emotions in the brain through our perceptions (e.g., smell, taste, sight, hearing, touch). Electric impulses carry this information through the body and begin to manifest physical discomfort in those areas that are specifically associated with a certain repressed emotion, the Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder stated. The five basic body syndromes are:

·         Crying Syndrome (affects the neck, chest and head): What do you want to say or express?

·         Fight/Reaching Syndrome (affects the arms and hands): What do you want to defend yourself from? What are you reaching for?

·         Flight Syndrome (affects the legs and feet): What do you feel you need to run away from?

·         Guilt/Sexual Frustration Syndrome (affects areas and organs around the waist, lower back and hips): What do you feel guilty about? What is going on in your relationship?

·         Responsibility Syndrome (affects areas and organs around the shoulders and upper back): What do you feel responsible for?

               

As a certified hypnotherapist, it is out of my scope of expertise to diagnose an illness or to recognize/identify specific symptoms that have a psychological or physiological basis. Therefore, I do and will refer clients to an appropriate licensed medical or psychology professional to determine the cause and/or treat that specific physical symptom that. However, once this other expert has ruled out a medical etiology of your symptom, with a follow-up referral from that licensed professional, I can continue to work with you in hypnotherapy, which can provide complementary therapeutic benefits and help to alleviate and/or control these symptoms and help you to pursue and achieve your vocational and avocational self-improvement goals.

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

 

Making It Happen

Photo courtesy of Sara Fogan

                Have I ever mentioned how powerful the subconscious mind is? As in, the SCM wants nothing more than to do what you tell it to do. You don’t even have to mean what you are thinking about; an idea just pops into your head and is gone in a nanosecond. Until…

I decided to wear my red jeans tonight so I could throw the blues into the washing machine with my other dark colors. I didn’t want to run the machine again just wash my magenta top; but if I could wait until tomorrow evening to throw the red jeans in with the shirt, that would be an acceptable load. Funny, my subconscious obviously didn’t agree with this strategy. Somehow, while I was eating dessert a stray blob of ice cream dripped off my spoon, onto the edge of the kitchen table and right on the leg of my red jeans. Really? Come on! I had only been wearing them for a couple of hours!

                In my “Power of Thinking” blog (March 7, 2014), I described the premise of John Kappas, Ph.D.’s book, Success Is Not an Accident. According to the Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder, any thought or idea that we program into our subconscious mind becomes a mental script; it is these mental scripts that determine the outcome of our actions. Whether we imagine a positive or negative result, the SCM follows that mental script and work to actualize the goal it thinks you “want.”

If blogs have “morals,” this one is, be careful what you think of. I guess I really did want to wash those red items tonight.

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

 

Forever Friends

Photo courtesy of Sara Fogan

                Someone I knew in college once told me, “Every relationship has a shelf life.” As I look back on the past twenty or thirty years of my life, I am starting to appreciate what she meant. Over time, it is natural to grow out of the hobbies and habits that used to preoccupy us. (Do you remember Atari video games?) The crushes on pop stars and television or movie stars that once fascinated us when we were teenagers are replaced by one true love that meant the world to us—and even that relationship eventually runs its course. But life goes on, and we continue pursue some old and new interests; we create strong new social bonds. It is often sad to acknowledge that no matter how hard we try to fight this process and hang on to that part of ourselves we have started to outgrow, this fight can rarely be “won.” On the other hand, when we accept that such growth and change in ourselves and others is a natural part of living, it is possible to enjoy a very long-lived (and evolved) friendship.

In my February 14, 2014 blog titled “Keys to a Successful Long-Term Relationship,” I described seven components that characterize a successful romantic partnership. Most of these factors are also present in a long-term, successful platonic friendship: like each other, trust each other, respect each other, mutual interests, separate interests, good communication. This is certainly true of my friendship with two women I have known since I was eight years old.

We rarely have a chance to spend time all together anymore since one of my friends, Jennifer, is living her dream in New York City. Joy, her sister, is newly married and lives in Northern California. But despite the distances between us, we continue to share secrets and confidences over the phone or in letters, cards or e-mails. We can still laugh at or cry about the same shared memory. We provide emotional support to help each other overcome a fear or reassurance if one of us feels nervous or anxious. One of my friends persuaded me to read the Harry Potter books—the U.S. version, even though I once vowed I would only read them in the original U.K. format. She also introduced me to sushi and music by one of her favorite bands; I have become a Bon Jovi fan, too. Her sister and I remain loyal fans of a long-running afternoon soap opera and Dallas (original and new series). I entertain them by reminding my friends of that day, many years ago, when “X” event happened, and I even remember what day of the week it was.

Of course, there are differences between us, too. There are probably more differences than similarities these days, since we lead such different lives now. We each have friends that the others have never met, hobbies that don’t interest each other, jobs that we can’t imagine doing—or know how to start to do in the first place. Ten or fifteen years ago, these disparities and the idea of growing up and away from them definitely alarmed me. But I have learned that even though many things have changed in each of our lives and time continues to fly by, everything is okay. I really, truly like, trust and respect the good communication, mutual interests and separate interests that cement our friendship.

And I love them.

 

               

 Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

Overcoming Fear, Part 2

Photo by Sara Fogan

Galahad (front) and his half-brother, Amadeus,
a purebred Lipizzaner stallion.

 

 

As I explained in my April 16, 2014 blog (Overcoming Fear, Part 1), repeated exposure to and familiarity with a stimulus helps to increase confidence about dealing with a potential threat or fearful situation. That is because the subconscious mind is more likely to accept and feel comfortable with something it knows. Of course, this kind of familiarity and resulting sense of relaxation can backfire as the person relaxes and feels more comfortable. Some degree of fear and a healthy dose of respect are very important emotions to have when working with horses: A lot of “accidents” happen with and around horses when we forget or ignore how big and powerful they are and can be. On the other hand, when you use your subconscious mind’s known information about working with that animal while you remain focused and aware of your environment, this can be a fabulous and safe experience.

Over the years, I have handled, groomed and clipped each of my riding instructor’s twenty horses. I handle the mares and geldings on a more regular basis, but I often rotate the stallions between their stalls and the turnout arena. Through these activities, I have come to know each one’s quirks and preferences: I knew who was likely to nip or rear to test his rank with the human at the other end of the lead line; I knew who would walk quietly past other horses and stallions in their stalls and who might pin his ears and try to kick through a fence to intimidate a challenger. I was not afraid of these animals per se, but I always treated them with the respect they were due and an abundance of caution for my own safety and well-being when I handled them. As a former trainer once said of the stud at his barn, “He knows he’s a stallion, so he deserves respect.”

Each of my trainer’s stallions is generally very sweet, well-behaved and respectful of the people who ride and handle them. But they are also 900-plus pounds of powerful muscle and strong bones, with a very healthy fight-flight instinct and an equally a strong courtship instinct. I did not just decide to clip my trainer’s stallions yesterday on a whim or a personal dare to prove I could do it. Rather, it was my job to clip the horses that needed it that day—including the two more demonstrative ones. So I put on my helmet and gloves to protect my head and hands—rope burn is no fun and very easy to get when a horse pulls suddenly back on the line—grabbed the clippers, a bag of treats and got down to work.

The first stallion on my list was actually my gelding Galahad’s half-brother, Amadeus. He is a Lipizzaner stallion, whose modus operandi for intimidation and asserting dominance featured holding a levade (a very controlled half-rear) for several seconds. Since the mares were already turned out in the paddock for their playtime, I took the clippers and a bag of treats to the stud where he was also enjoying turnout time in the arena, away from the mares. I admit that I was already a little wary: I had never clipped this stallion on my own, before (my trainer was usually nearby when I did this work). Since I knew from previous experience that this horse could get very “challenging” to handle if mares were his immediate vicinity, so I decided to hedge my bets and do my work where we were. Amadeus stood still as I slid his halter over his head; he even cocked a hind hoof—a sign of equine relaxation. I plied him with treats and slowly desensitized him first to the electric clippers in the off position (some reaction) and then to the persistent buzz when I turned them on.

I don’t know whether the sound of the clippers scared him; perhaps the sensation of the blades against his muzzle irritated or tickled him. Whatever: the stallion immediately pulled back and coiled his body to make a few half-hearted attempts at a levade. Since I was expecting this reaction (his “known”/previous reaction to the clippers), I was prepared and able to hold on to the lead-line while Amadeus had his temper tantrum. While I waited, I immediately did some deep, diaphragmatic breathing to keep my adrenaline low and consider my next move to get the horse back under control. I spoke quiet words of reassurance (not placation) and told him to quit his behavior. For the first time, I spoke with a confidence and sense of control that I truly felt in this situation. I was confident in the physical precautions I had taken to be as safe as I could be in this situation; and, I was confident in my new-found ability to effectively handle this horse and finish my job without having to call my trainer for assistance.

Amadeus must have sensed that I meant business, too; because the stallion dropped back onto all four hooves and stood still while I went to work on his whiskers and bridle path, plying him with treats and praise the entire time. By the time I finished clipping him and removed his halter, the stallion lowered his head and ambled just behind me, at my right shoulder, right up to the gate. I believe that this was a very good clipping experience for both of us, the perfect opportunity to create a positive “known” association between my confidence in my ability to safely handle, reassure and help Amadeus through an encounter with clippers. As my dad likes to say, “Every experience becomes a part of you.” I, for one, am looking forward to having a lot of good, positive experiences like that becoming a part of my life.

 

 

 Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014