Toxic Worry

“Worry is love. How will your children know you love them if you don’t

worry about them?” -- Anonymous

 

 

                When I came upon that quote a few weeks ago, I knew I had to address this sentiment in a blog. Have you ever loved someone so much that it is physically painful to imagine anything or anyone hurting that person? Have you ever loved someone so much that, to assuage this worry (i.e., self-inflicted pain), you tried to control and even micro-manage the other person’s activities to prevent this misfortune to such an extent that neither of you could live your own, authentic life?

                Not only does this preoccupation cause anxiety in the person who is doing the worrying, it also induces stress in the object of our affection. It is can feel difficult to breathe, let alone live, when we feel as though someone else is dictating how we are going through our lives. And here is another thought to consider: if energy attracts like energy, worrying (negative energy) about a possible disaster can attract that which you are trying to avoid (negative outcome). Now imagine this dynamic in the context of toxic worry. While you are so concerned about your loved one’s well-being, your mind starts to wander to those dark scenarios in which some kind of emotional or physical disaster befalls that person. And then you might become anxious or stressed out because you’re worried that your worry caused whatever happened. And, so on.

Stop it.

While I was completing my hypnotherapy certification at the Hypnosis Motivation Institute, one of my favorite instructors, the late Marc Gravelle often warned us about the perils of “toxic worry.” It is characterized by the trap (never-ending circle) of wondering “What if X happens…?” and then even worrying about being worried about that dilemma. I believe that the anxiety people often feel about whether their loved ones fully appreciate the depth and sincerity of this devotion falls into this kind of toxic worry.

Loving someone can be a beautiful experience, but it is not possible, nor should it be possible, to control whether that person reciprocates that sentiment. In an ideal world, parents love their children and want/work hard to keep them safe and secure. Parents’ behavior influences their children’s developing suggestibility and personality, as well as teaches (directly and by example) how to negotiating various life challenges and even moral dilemmas. But perhaps the most import part of raising a child is allowing that youngster to live and experiment (within reason) so that he or she can eventually leave the family home and live as an independent adult.

There is no way to guarantee that the information, wisdom and example you provide will completely protect your child from any of the possible misfortunes that you are worried might affect him or her. In fact, some of our greatest life lessons are those painful or challenging ones we all have to go through at some point. Do yourself and your loved ones a favor and avoid the trap of toxic worry about possible consequences of a situation that have not and may not even arise. Instead, spend that valuable time talking to and teaching your child to behave and follow the morals and ethics that are important to you. Take an emotional step or two back and remove yourself from the very center of your child’s life to give him or her that opportunity to prove that the youngster deserves your trust and can/will make good decisions. You may well find that your willingness to allow your child to live his or her life will not only alleviate your toxic worry, but will also motivate him or her to want the guidance you long to provide.

 

 Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

 

The Systems Approach in Hypnotherapy

 

                The basic idea or premise of the Systems Approach is that every part of the social/emotional system will affect the entire system. In other words, you cannot separate one component of the system from the sub-total or entire system. It doesn’t matter whether one spouse returns to college and completes the Bachelor of Arts degree she abandoned long ago to have children or whether her husband loses weight to improve his health and suddenly attracts a bevy of female admirers. The changes in behavior can affect the basic structure of the relationship or system and create resistance within it. The ultimate goal of the Systems Approach is to bring the System back into balance.

                For example, if a man comes in for hypnotherapy his “presenting issue” is marital discord, and the hypnotherapist is working only with the man (husband). However, if the hypnotherapist doesn’t keep the client’s wife in mind during the therapy, she is liable to walk out of the marriage because she has not been taken into account within the “system.” Ideally, both spouses would come in for hypnotherapy to work on their marital issues. If this is not possible or the spouse refuses to come in, the hypnotherapist could work just with the client to specifically teach him how to deal with her.

                According to Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder John Kappas, Ph.D., no matter what the client’s problem or issue happens to be, the systems approach infiltrates all areas of therapy. Even if only one member of the family or one spouse or partner in a relationship is seeking therapy, that issue must be dealt with within the context of the client’s own system. Therefore, the hypnotherapist must address components in the person’s work, relationships, family past, the hypnotherapy he or she is receiving, plus aspects of the entire social system or relationship. If these other issues aren’t taken into account, the therapy won’t be successful and only the issue being addressed in therapy will be “treated” (improved or eliminated) per the client’s goal, Dr. Kappas warned.

 

 Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

 

People Live Everywhere

Photo courtesy of Fotolia

 

                One of my grandmothers used to say, “People live everywhere!” She would emphasize the “every,” but not the “where.” We used to laugh when she said that; the trill in her voice reminded me of the sensation of being tickled. This expression typically followed her observation about something that someone did which she had never seen or heard of before. When I was little, I had no idea what she might have meant by this; of course people live everywhere, I thought. At the time, I didn’t get that she wasn’t referring solely to geography. She was including her observations about how similar people were, despite the differences in their behaviors. In all honesty, I have only recently begun to truly appreciate what Mama Lil was talking about in the context of my hypnotherapy practice.

                No matter where you live or what beliefs you hold, you are a product of the social environment and culture in which you were born and raised. Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder John Kappas, Ph.D. held that we all begin to write our mental script from the moment we are born. Our subconscious mind categorizes each one of our early experiences as a positive (pleasure) or negative (pain) “known.” Family, friends and peers may continue to influence our behaviors to various degrees during our lifetimes. Each one of us may become more or less open than our peers to tolerate or accept other belief systems even while, deep down, we will probably always hold that our way of doing something is “better” than anyone else’s. (Until proved otherwise, that is.)

                No matter whom you are or where you are from, your beliefs, perceptions and experiences are valid. They are yours—but, they are also products of your environment and what you know or have learned. As you live your life, you will have dreams, set goals and follow a path that you set—a path that is not only made for you, but one that you (your SCM) designed. Meanwhile, remember that somewhere along the way, you will encounter or hear about other people that live very near or very far away, who happen to share similar interests and have similar aspirations. Like you, they will be more or less amenable to changing their behavior or adopting a new belief system in relation to their suggestibility and whether their subconscious mind will accept that new known.

                Wherever you go and whatever you do as you fulfill your life script, you are likely to meet someone who shares your interests. You are equally likely to discover that you have absolutely nothing in common with that person. Just remember: you are still sharing the same planet with other people, even if you don’t live in the same metaphoric world. When you meet, they may also marvel, “People live everywhere!”

 

 Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

Compliance and Motivation

Photo courtesy of PresentationPro

Hypnotherapy can be and is a marvelous adjunct and complement to medical
treatments and other psychological therapies.  

                Imagine you have been taking antibiotics to treat a bad sinus infection. The symptoms have gone away, but you still have three days’ worth of medication left to take. Not only have you lost some of your motivation to take the meds now that you feel better, but you find it very inconvenient to make sure to eat something first, to prevent getting an upset stomach. Since your physical discomfort has gone away, you (your conscious mind) may wonder why you need to finish the prescription, at all. Your SCM might even try to solve that problem for you when you “forget” to take the next dose.

                It can be even tougher to follow through with a treatment plan when there is no end in sight. Even if you don’t consciously object to doing something—you know that you need to keep taking insulin to control your diabetes—your subconscious mind might not be so willing to go along with the program. Indeed, sometimes the “remedy” feels or may actually be more uncomfortable than the disease you are trying to fight. Between the discomfort and/or pain that you experience from the illness and the perceived inconvenience of all the things you must do to get better, sometimes the temptation to let everything slide for a day or two may be incredible. However, hypnotherapy can help you to follow “doctor’s orders” and provide some physical, emotional and mental comfort, as well.

When I work with someone to facilitate a medically-related, health-related behavior change, the first thing I do is obtain a referral from the licensed medical practitioner or psychotherapist who is treating that individual (Business and Professions Code 2908). I use my client’s own words or expressions to create the hypnotic script that will motivate him or her to follow the medical or mental-health expert’s treatment regimen or advice. Each suggestion that I give to this client will reflect the person’s physical or emotional suggestibility, which will enable the person’s subconscious mind to easily understand and accept the suggestions to easily and comfortably facilitate achieving the stated compliance objectives.

Some other examples of when hypnotherapy can facilitate compliance with a recommended medical, health or addiction-recovery protocol include:

·         Following Alcoholics Anonymous/Narcotics Anonymous, etc. guidelines during rehabilitation from a substance addiction;

·         Observing a prescribed physical-fitness or exercise program to facilitate physical therapy;

·         Adhering to a medically-recommended diet to control noninsulin-dependent diabetes.

                Remember: Hypnosis is not and should never be provided as a substitute for medical, psychotherapeutic or addiction-recovery care from a licensed practitioner. (I also require clients who have a substance-addiction to currently participate in a 12-step program while I work with them, because these programs are the most effective tool to help them recover from their addiction.) However, hypnosis can be and is a marvelous adjunct and complement to these therapies because the hypnotherapeutic script will gently and effectively reinforce the client’s specific motivations and desires to comply with the referring doctor or psychologist’s treatment recommendations.

               

               

 Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

Breath Exchange Revisited

(This blog was originally posted on February 4, 2014.)

Slow, deep breathing is an important component of my hypnotherapy work. Breathing this way not only relaxes the physical body; it also provides them a tangible example of their ability to control a specific, physical behavior. Breathing is also a relevant metaphor for the idea of releasing old habits or beliefs and replacing them with the new, desired behaviors and mental scripts that they believe will improve their lives in some way. Following is a simple imagery exercise that you can do at the end of the day to help you relax and let go of any negative emotion or tension in your body before going to bed:

Start by taking a slow, deep breath through your nose. Visualize or imagine that you are drawing cool, clean air all the way into the bottom of your lungs. Hold this breath for the count of four, three, two, one… This air that you have inhaled is filled with tiny molecules of relaxation, calm, comfort and confidence that travels from your lungs and moves throughout your body. 

On zero, release the breath slowly through your mouth. Visualize and imagine that you are releasing with this breath any tightness or tension that you have been carrying around in your body; you are releasing any negative emotion (e.g., anger, frustration, etc.) that you no longer want or need to carry inside of you. Just let go of all of those negative emotions and physical tensions, allow them to dissipate in the atmosphere where they can no longer affect you or anyone else.

Repeat this exercise several times as needed until you feel completely relaxed and start drifting into sleep.

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

 

Knowns

(This blog was originally posted on December 25, 2013.)

 

For many of us, doing something new or unfamiliar can be very scary. But, you know what? After you do that thing just one time it loses that essence of being scary. It becomes “known” to your subconscious mind and is integrated with your repertoire of behaviors. Your subconscious mind will file away the memory of that sensation, experience, or associated emotion for future reference for future behaviors the rest of your life—even if you never repeat the specific behavior. (Advanced calculus, anyone?)

John G. Kappas, Ph.D., and Alex G. Kappas Ph.D., revolutionized the practice of hypnotherapy based on their findings that not everyone receives hypnotic suggestions the same way (suggestibility). Suggestibility refers to how you learn, and it influences how you interpret every experience. In Kappasinian Hypnotherapy there are two categories of “known” (learned) experiences:

·         Pain: Anything new or unfamiliar (unknown). It may also refer to a physically or emotionally painful experience. 

·          Pleasure: An experience that is known and familiar, although it may not necessarily be pleasurable. “Pleasure” can be a positive or a negative emotional/physical experience.

When you first learned how to walk, the first step or two was probably wobbly. You probably held onto a parent’s hand for dear life for the first attempts; it may have taken a week before you could make it across a room without stumbling and falling down (Pain). Fast-forward a week, a year, 20 years to today. Now you are able to skip, jump and run without even thinking about it (Pleasure) because these activities are familiar and comfortable.

Just imagine all of the New Year’s Resolutions you will achieve when your subconscious mind recognizes and accepts that these new behaviors are now “knowns” and they are here to stay!

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

Avoidance Behavior

 

                It’s 10 p.m., and your presentation for work is still not complete. This is your last chance to make a positive impression on your employers since your last two projects were abject failures and lost the company money. But rather than doing a final edit of your work or even double-checking the facts you plan to discuss, you are cleaning the break room. Or, you spend time and even money you don’t have to prepare and bringing meals to a friend who has recently lost his job while one of your siblings is also out of work and would also appreciate your help. And my favorite, albeit most extreme, example on this theme: Anthony Hopkins’ character in The Remains of the Day (1993) continued to work, serving a fancy meal at a manor while his father is dying nearby. Each of these scenarios is an example of the lengths to which people are willing to go to avoid or even completely remove ourselves from a distressing situation or emotions.

According to John Kappas, Ph.D.’s Theory of Mind, each person is subconsciously motivated to maintain and/or restore a known physical and emotional status of comfort and security. From the moment we are born, we start to accumulate and associate experiences in the context of two types of knowns: positive (pleasure) or negative (pain). The SCM is motivated or even programmed to seek the pleasure stimuli; not only do these experiences and stimuli not hurt (pain), this absence of pain also comes to represent comfort and security (pleasure). Even when a person’s “usual” behavior or belief system does not produce a “pleasurable: feeling or association, his or her SCM will seek stimuli (environmental, physical body) that reinforce the positive known or association. Even when this known causes physical and/or emotional discomfort, this is the status to which a person will return because this is where the SCM is most comfortable.

                Each of the behaviors described in the above scenarios are examples of the ways in which the subconscious mind does whatever it can to help a person remain comfortable. It will even employ avoidance behaviors such as procrastination, projection identification and emotional withdrawal to avoid experiencing emotional, physical and/or spiritual discomfort (pain) associated with the circumstances. Maybe you are cleaning the break room because this is a task you are confident you can do well, while there are no guarantees that the new project will even get off the ground. Also, it is possible that since your previous projects have failed, your SCM has created known associations with this status (failure) and it is trying to maintain this known for you. In the second example, you feel more comfortable supporting your friend because you worry that you could easily be in your sibling’s position (out of a job), and you want to distance yourself from that situation (projection identification). This association could be even more uncomfortable for you if you are highly motivated to succeed. Finally, Anthony Hopkins’ character literally withdrew from the emotional pain of his father’s death by focusing on his job to the extent that he could physically be “removed” from his father when the other man died. If the men did not share an emotionally close relationship, we can see how Hopkins’ SCM was simply following an already-established mental script; any behavior changes at this stage of his life would be painful.

                These types of avoidance behaviors all share the following characteristics: They are unconscious, self-deceptive, contain elements of denial, and distort reality/thoughts/actions. Hypnotherapy can help people work through these behaviors and associated belief systems.

               

 

 

 Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

 

When Respect Equals Love, Part 2

 

                Over the centuries, humans have shared a very complicated relationship with horses. On the one hand, these animals have served us as beasts of burden, mechanisms of war and even sources of food. On the other, horses are revered as symbols of freedom, excitement and nobility. Some people make their living working with and on the back of a horse; others say that just having horses in their lives makes life that much better. Many equestrians consider their horse(s) to be their equine partners, but this metaphor works only when people understand that our horses first perceive us as the predator that sits on and directs their movement. Whenever we handle horses on the ground or on their back, it doesn’t matter how much we love them if they don’t respect us; but we need to respect them, too.

                I discussed the components of a successful relationship in my February 14, 2014 blog, “Keys to a Successful Relationship.” You will have noticed that “love” is not on that list, at all; but “respect” is. We can show our respect to someone in various ways, from listening without interruption to what the other person is saying, to deferring to the advice of someone who has more experience than we do. We show respect by celebrating the ways a person is similar and different to ourselves without trying to force that individual to change or adopt our beliefs or opinions when we disagree. We are suggestible to our partner’s beliefs, attitudes and behaviors; but that partner is also suggestible to us. So, what does all that mean when your partner weighs 1,000 pounds and can run 25 to 40 miles per hour? It should mean: a lot.

                Horses have survived through the millennia because they know how to adapt to their environment and make their circumstances work for them. They rely on their herd-mates to help defend from danger, especially, the horse in the leadership or “alpha” role. Horses know that a good alpha is one that not only protects the herd from outside threats but also treats each member with fairness. The alpha tells the rest of the herd where and when to go or stop. The other horses will follow this animal, but only so long as that lead horse continues to deserve their respect. They treat their human leader the same way.

                Following are some practical techniques to help you earn and reinforce a respectful relationship with your horse. Before you use or practice these suggestions, please consult with a professional horse trainer and/or your riding instructor to ensure that they will be effective and safe for you to do.

·         Protect your personal space. Clinton Anderson of Downunder Horsemanship® advises his students to imagine that they are standing in the middle of a hula hoop, and their horse cannot get any closer to them than the perimeter of that hoop. If the horse tries to move in on you, correct this intrusion right away by sending him or her further away again. Remember that when you are leading your horse, the safest position for you is beside your horse, with his head/nose at your shoulder. Horses cannot see what is directly in front or behind them, and you are at risk of being run over if your horse is following directly behind you.

·         Be in charge. Clinton Anderson warns, “Whoever moves his feet first, loses.” If your horse is dancing around on the cross-ties and you have to constantly adjust your position to avoid him stepping on you, he is in control. Practice groundwork exercises to keep your horse moving when and in the direction you want him or her to go. Work your horse on a lunge-line and make the animal practice up and down transitions through each of the gaits. The purpose of these exercises is to teach your horse that you are in control of where, when and how fast his feet are going to move.

·         Be consistent. Reward good behavior and correct misbehavior every time it happens. Rewards don’t have to be treats; they can be a pat on the neck or shoulder with copious verbal praise, releasing tension in the reins so the horse can drop its head and stretch, etc. A correction for misbehavior might be a verbal reprimand and making the training session last longer and/or more intensive. Repeat these actions every time your horse does what you ask to create an association in the animal’s mind that you say what you mean and mean what you say (physical suggestibility). The more times you consistently reinforce this association, the more your horse will trust you because it will know what kind of reaction to expect from you in response to his or her behavior.

·         Be fair. If your horse seems to be having a tough time understanding what you want and/or are asking him or her to do, do a quick mental check to make sure you are correctly asking for what you want. It is too easy to blame our horse when something goes wrong in our training, but the mistake is often “pilot” (rider) error. You may discover that your equine partner is actually doing exactly what you are asking for, but you are not asking what you wanted to know. If your horse is having trouble understanding or doing what you are asking, consider asking for that movement in a different way. Work on another technique that your horse already knows how to do and practice that to increase his or her confidence and then try the movement again. You will probably find that you and your horse will benefit from doing something else for a little while and the new work will make more sense to both of you.

·         Be generous. Horseman Chris Cox regularly gives his horses a few minutes to stand still and “soak in” or think about a lesson or instruction that they had just been working on. In so doing, the horse gets a short break from its work (a reward) and can associate the release in pressure from the reins and legs with doing a good job. When your horse has performed a movement well or you have had a good schooling session, reward him with praise, a walk break or even stopping the day’s training session a little earlier than you planned.

                I am not a riding instructor, and I encourage everyone to consult with a trainer or instructor to resolve riding and horse-related issues. For more information about my hypnotherapy work with equestrians, please contact me via my website at www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com.

 

 

 Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

When Respect Equals Love, Part 1

                If you ride and/or work with horses, you probably understand what I mean when I say that the relationship humans share with their equine partner(s) is one of the most intense experiences you may ever share with another being. We admire the power, beauty and freedom that horses represent; we want to ride the so we can know how it feels to fly without wings. We are infatuated with the myths and stories about those equine ambassadors that showed apparent loyalty to their humans, and we want to experience that kind of devotion in our lives. Unlike the dogs, cats and other small domesticated animals with whom we share our lives and homes, horses are large, powerful animals that could literally kill us at any time and without even meaning to.

                The irony of this relationship is that these big animals can seem and even be so vulnerable. Humans are predatory animals while horses are prey for many species. Feral or wild horses have no problem fending for themselves, but we tend to lavish the domesticated members of this species with food (and treats), shelter, veterinary and farrier care, and our unrequited love. Many people know what it is like to spend long hours nursing a horse back to health after it suffers a bout of colic or has a serious training injury. Is there anything as sweet as the relief we feel when we know that the animal will survive? We regard our horses as our four-legged kids. We address them with terms of endearment such as baby or sweetheart and speak in low, placating voices as if we are soothing a human child. But this kind of extreme treatment—coddling—can be lethal.

                In his Theory of Mind, John Kappas, Ph.D. described the development of the subconscious and conscious mind from the “primitive mind,” an area of the mind where the fight/flight response or survival instinct resides. Whenever you are in a trance state—whether you are deeply engrossed in a video game you are playing—or during a hypnotherapy session, you have actually “escaped” into hypnosis because the conscious mind is overwhelmed by outside stimuli. Hypnosis is your safe haven. Conversely, horses literally flee when they feel threatened. The most powerful thing that could stop this flight is the presence of a respected herd leader that commands the direction and speed with which the other animal(s) in the herd move. Since horses weigh ten times that of an average man, the safest thing in the human-equine partnership is for the person to be that leader. Unfortunately, this is an ideal and not necessarily a true hierarchy in many of these relationships.

                Your horse will not listen or respond to your vocal or body aids unless it respects you as the leader of your herd and trusts that you can and will provide security and protection from danger. This respect includes recognizing that you, like your equine, expects to have a safe perimeter of personal space in which the other horse(s) in the herd can intrude without an invitation, or else there will be consequences. If you watch a herd of horses interacting in a pasture, you will notice how one of the animals seems to control where each one of its herd-mates is grazing. If the lead horse wants to be in the spot occupied by another horse, he or she will move the other animal out of the way, starting with body language such as pinning its ears to physically pushing, biting or chasing the other horse away. More often than not, a subordinate horse knows that it needs to get out of the way when the other animal shows up to avoid a physical altercation. Every horse knows this drill from the time it is a foal, no matter what its rank in the herd. Furthermore, even in your herd of two, your horse will have no compunction about reminding you where you “belong” if he or she doesn’t respect you as that leader.

                Whether your horse invades your personal space, tries (or succeeds) to bite you, refuses to move off of your leg or vocal command, or other tries and to dominate you in any other way, it is clear that he or she does not respect you as a leader. Even the 900 to 1,300 pound “baby” that you love so much will run right over you to escape from any real or imagined threat if it doesn’t respect you and the space you are standing in or the sensation of your weight on its back. No matter how you spell the love you feel for your horse, this word is spelled r-e-s-p-e-c-t in your equine partner’s dictionary.

                By the way, your horse needs your respect, too—perhaps more than he or she wants or needs your love. I will describe some practical techniques to earn and reinforce a respectful relationship with your horse in the next blog.

 

 Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

 

Are You Afraid to Lose...Or Win?

 

                Have you refused to participate in an activity because you didn’t want to look bad or ruin your current performance record? Have you ever refused to participate in an activity in which you were likely to succeed? Both of these examples are potential causes of performance anxiety, and recognizing what triggers this anxiety is the first step to successfully managing and treating it.

                Fear of success is often more difficult for people to imagine feeling, because who doesn’t want to succeed and to be the best at something, right? But success comes with its own kinds of pressure and stress, including responsibility. Suddenly, it does not matter to that newly minted executive that he or she has years of training and experience to validate this promotion. It does not matter that the person has a proved track record of being able to execute profitable negotiations in the boardroom and is willing to make tough decisions about that will benefit the company. Once you get the big promotion that you have been working so hard to receive, you have to do more work and probably take on more roles than you previously had, to earn the new title and salary that you now earn. You will have to use the skills you have honed during your tenure in your previous role and put them to a real test in a leadership position. Like it or not, when you make a decision the buck will start and stop with you.

Or, imagine an honors student at high-school student who has received two letters of acceptance from two different universities. He or she may decide to accept a place in the state university because he or she feels intimidated by the anticipated course demands and his or her family’s expectations about what it means to be a student at Harvard. It doesn’t matter that you have earned academic letters or were the captain of your sport or debate team. It doesn’t matter how many awards you have received for community service or other extracurricular activity. Once you leave the security of high school (and childhood) where you were the top-ranked student of your class, you will be starting over in a new environment that is populated by hundreds of young adults just like you. You may well become the head of your class and set a new standard of academic achievement, or not. Whatever you do academically, high-school graduation and attending college are a rite of passage from childhood to adulthood.

                The physical manifestations of performance anxiety take many forms, including trembling or shaking, feeling nauseated or “blanking out” (forgetting) the lines or music you are going to perform or the information you are supposed to present. Hypnotherapy and therapeutic guided-imagery techniques can help you to manage these symptoms and overcome this anxiety so you can do the performance or presentation.

·         Systematic desensitization to the stimuli that trigger the anxiety/fear response.

·         Creating hypnotic scripts that reinforce the client’s recent achievements to boost his or her self-confidence about ability to achieve the stated goal.

·         Use guided-imagery techniques to help the client re-experience those previous successes and further reinforce his or her self-confidence about being able to achieve a new goal.

·         Teach the client how to practice diaphragmatic breathing and to activate an “anchor” to help relieve symptoms of anxiety.

·         Educate the client about the relationship between nutrition and anxiety; specifically, the correlation between drops and spikes in blood-sugar level and feeling anxious or afraid.

·         Instruct the client about using the Emotional Freedom Technique (tapping) to reduce anxiety and replace negative responses with positive/desired responses to achieve a goal.

Performance anxiety affects most people at some time in their lives. As John Kappas, Ph.D. explains in his book Success Is Not an Accident, every person has the ability to achieve success. You do not have to be afraid to fail or to succeed to achieve your goals. Now is the perfect time for you to turn your dreams into reality.

 

 

 Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

 

The Family That Plays Together

 

                The Brady Bunch. The Partridge Family. Eight Is Enough. The Ingalls family of Little House on the Prairie and the Walton family of The Waltons. The Corleones of The Godfather. The Ewings of Dallas and the Cartwrights of Bonanza. These are just a few iconic examples of television families that I grew up with. More recently, there are the five ruling clans in George R.R. Martin’s Game of Thrones series, and the extended Grantham family of Downton Abbey. While no one in my family was (or is) really like any of the characters in these fictional families, we all share the respect, loyalty, love and rivalry that characterize a familial bond. These fictitious families taught each other important lessons about how to enjoy the benefits of and negotiate the specific challenges that existed in their world. They learned how it feels to “belong” in a group and to feel protected by people who would sacrifice everything and anything to keep them safe.

                This is not to say that families or specific members in a family are always easy to deal with or that the conflicts which can flare up between them are always simple or comfortable to resolve. Some family feuds go on so long that the members who were involved in the original quarrel have died or simply don’t know or remember why they are fighting, only that they are fighting. However, have you ever noticed what happens if someone outside of the family unit threatens the family or one of its members? The family closes ranks and creates a virtual wagon circle around the individual who is under attack: “It’s one thing for me to say or do something to hurt someone in my family, but don’t you even try it!”

                A sweet dessert and a glass of milk are a common panacea for most causes of hurt and disappointment that occurs in television families. However, patience, compassion/empathy and willingness to compromise are keys to achieving true conflict resolution in real-life families. It can be (and often is) hard work to try to understand why someone you love and who is supposed to love you could have done or said that incredibly hurtful thing. It is even more challenging, but equally necessary, to also take a hard look at how you may have contributed to the fight by something you said or did, whether these actions were intentional or not. It is challenging to offer an apology and admit when you are wrong, but it can also be challenging to graciously accept an apology from someone who hurt you and then work together to move past that painful event.

                Whatever your “family” looks like, this relationship—or lack thereof—is one of the most important ones that you will probably experience during your lifetime. Even if you do not share genetic material (the “nature” component) with anyone in it, you will have scores of memories of shared experiences with the person(s) who raised you (the “nurture” component). Whoever was your primary caretaker helped to establish your suggestibility (how you learn); you would have likely modeled your personality after the person who was a secondary caretaker for you growing up. You can (and probably have) compared notes about your upbringing with your siblings to make sure that everyone got the same treatment. You might be surprised at the similarities between how your parents raised their children, how your aunts and uncles raised your cousins, and even how your grandparents raised your parents. Even if longtime friends and even a spouse or lover drift out of your life, the bonds you share with one or both parents, a sibling (or several) and more distant relatives tend to be more permanent. Like it or not, family is (usually) here to stay.

 

 

 Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

 

How Hypnotherapy Is Like Muscle Memory

 

                People use the term “muscle memory” a lot in the context of sports and athletic participation. But what is it all about, exactly? Wikipedia.com describes this phenomenon as a product of motor or procedural learning in which specific muscles or muscle groups learn and remember how to do a particular movement after repeating that motion many times over a period of time. It is even possible to improve how you execute this motion as it becomes more automatic in your behavioral repertoire of sports or other movements, such as dancing or playing the guitar.

                While I do not discount the existence of muscle memory, I would contend that it is born not just in a specific part of the body that you use for the desired behavior (e.g., body, arms or legs). Rather, I would argue that muscle memory starts where every other memory begins: in the mind—specifically, in the subconscious mind. The SCM triggers every action we make by sending an electrical impulse through the nervous system to activate the muscle(s) we need to carry out the intended or even unintended or undesired behavior. According to Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder John Kappas, Ph.D.’s Theory of Mind, our only natural or innate responses are the reaction to a fear of falling and the reaction to a fear of loud noises. As the subconscious mind takes in more and more new information, we learn new behaviors and develop personal beliefs. Eventually, we don’t even don’t even think about what we need to do to achieve a desired result, we just do it. Most of us have not thought about what our body must do in order to just walk since we took our first steps as a toddler. Who hasn’t heard the expression, “Once you ride a bike, you never forget how”?

                In fact, I use the idea and theory behind muscle memory in almost all of the hypnotic suggestions I craft for my clients. I create suggestions to reinforce the person’s motivations to change the undesired habit or adopt a desired behavior; then, I reinforce this motivation with guided imagery in which the individual is achieving the desired goal. The subconscious mind does not know the difference between you swinging a golf club on the links versus imagining or pretending that you just made the perfect swing an achieved a hole-in-one while you are in hypnosis. Furthermore, the more times you repeat these desired behaviors in hypnosis or in a guided-imagery exercise, the more opportunities you have to lock those actions into your subconscious mind and in your muscle memory. It just takes repetition of the desired behavior—so I guide my clients through these exercises over and over to reinforce the behavior change during the hypnotherapy session and send them home with a track from the session to further reinforce this work. Hypnosis and guided-imagery techniques enable you to replace unwanted behaviors and adopt the ones you want using a process of repetition and memory similar to the way the muscles in your body learned and remember how to walk.

 

 Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

 

Trust

 

                “Never trust a person who doesn’t like chocolate.” Joan R. Neubauer’s statement was the featured quote-of-the day for today on my desktop calendar. At first glance, I completely agreed with her sentiment. Not only is chocolate one of my favorite foods and flavors; just about everyone in my family and many of my friends are self-professed “chocoholics.” However, I certainly know, work with and trust people who are not that fond of chocolate. One of my dear friends is even allergic to it; since chocolate makes her physically sick I imagine she doesn’t like to eat it or anything about it, but I trust and adore her. So, there is one generalization shot down.

                Trust is a very personal emotion and experience. We tend to trust people we like and with whom we share common interests and values. We evaluate and make judgments about people and situations based on the subjective and/or empirical evidence from those past experiences, or knowns. For example, if you have a negative experience with someone outside of your regular social group, you might automatically attribute this unpleasant experience to the fact that he or she does not like chocolate (or any other factor). But is this generalization truly accurate or fair? Maybe the true reason you didn’t get along with this person has nothing to do with a preferred flavor but that you do not share other values with him or her—or vice versa. Maybe, just maybe, the other person didn’t trust you because you didn’t share one of his or her core values, and that value had nothing to do with a sweet treat.

                Like friendship, trust—being trustworthy and trusting—is a two-way street. We learn through the repetition of that behavior (trusting) and associating the outcome of that trust (feeling physically and/or emotionally safe) whether the person or situation is actually trustworthy. When we can and do trust the people with whom we share important values, they are likely to deserve and reciprocate that trust. The caveat of this relationship is that repeated exposure to a situation also creates a known and reliable association (pleasure) between a behavior and a situation or outcome which is not necessarily comfortable or pleasurable. For example, we often hear about or even know individuals who continue to return to an emotionally or physically abusive relationship. Even when we can’t trust a person to behave in a nurturing way toward us, we may still derive some degree of security from the fact that we can trust the inconsistency of that relationship. Maybe what we most want and need is to be able to trust the consistency of someone’s behavior or the likely outcome of a situation.

                It’s something to think about.

 

 Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014