Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

(This blog was originally posted on April 25, 2016)

Photo by Rick Hustead

According to John Kappas, Ph.D., Emotional Sexuals do not get hung up in a failed relationship for as long or the way a Physical Sexual is likely to do. Physicals focus their lives on a relationship and a loving commitment. Once the relationship becomes physically (sexually) intimate, they tend to plan the future and have high expectations for commitment with the partner.

“The Physical Sexual female subconsciously thinks, ‘Would he make a good husband/father of my child? Could I spend an eternity with him?” The Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder explained. If the other person is a good candidate for such a relationship, this evolution of the partnership will happen naturally.  However, if the relationship seems to be failing or if the other partner (typically an Emotional Sexual) rejects the person’s advances, the Physical Sexual will panic about losing the person and cling even more. When the Physical Sexual backs off a bit—perhaps even making the Emotional Sexual jealous—the relationship tends to start up again.

When the relationship is finally over and the Physical Sexual leaves for good, the person doesn’t go back. However, the person’s fear of the emotional pain resulting from this separation and the fact that self-worth is so closely tied to the relationship makes it difficult to make this final break, Dr. Kappas observed. This fear and the person’s lack of confidence that he or she can survive without the partner will subconsciously motivate the person to hold onto the dead relationship. However, it may be prudent to let the relationship go if you’re not getting what you want or need, he advised.

Since people continue to evolve over time, you should become involved with another person with whom you can grow in this way, Dr. Kappas said. Don’t hold onto a relationship that’s not going anywhere for you and replace expectations about getting married and having a partner with that partner, specifically. “You need to separate what you want for yourself. You have to project availability and attainability. Lovers are not forever, but for now or tomorrow.”

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Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. In July 2019 she was voted the Best Hypnotherapist in Santa Clarita, California. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2019

Micro-Aggressions

(This blog was originally posted on May 3, 2016)

Photo by Rick Hustead

Someone is finally doing it. Someone is finally suing Starbucks® because the company “shorts” advertised quantity of coffee in iced beverages compared to the ratio of ice. O-kay, then.

The company argues that ice is supposed to be in an iced beverage. Isn’t that implied—even explicitly stated—in the names of the beverages like iced coffee, iced tea, iced-green-tea latte, etc.? Even the Frappuccino beverages made with a lot of ice. Considering how many units of iced beverages Starbucks® sells each day, I doubt that the plaintiff in this case is the first person who noticed the imbalanced of the coffee-to-ice ratio. Most people who order an iced beverage simply pay and happily walk out of the store or take a seat along the coffee bar and enjoy their drink, end of story. I wonder what inspired this person to actually sue the company over this imbalance instead of simply ask the barista to prepare the beverage with less or even no ice, or simply stop buying coffee there in the first place?

Last year, one of my nephews introduced me to the word “micro-aggression.” I remember laughing at the concept of micro-aggressions. I didn’t laugh because I believe some complaints and perceived injustices are truly funny or deserve to be dismissed out of hand, but because the word itself is demeaning and yet so accurate. In the context of the many injustices (real or perceived) that are occurring in the world, not receiving the advertised amount of coffee in your iced beverage doesn’t seem like a big deal, or even that it should be. Taking the company to court for a $5 million payday over this imbalance is a bit extreme. And yet, it’s happening. My question is: how did this and similar situations get so far?

A couple years ago I posted a blog titled Passive-Aggressive Behavior in which I explained the origins of this behavior, which typically begins during early-childhood. A youngster naturally starts to become more independent from his caregivers between the ages of two and five. However, if the adult does not provide options and opportunities for the child to demonstrate the desired behavior, the youngster may adopt passive-aggressive responses to these requests in order to display some kind of autonomy. Rather than ask directly for something, the individual hints and insinuates that something is wrong/must change until other people in the environment change behavior to accommodate him. Over time, this strategy becomes a subconscious known—a go-to behavior to get what the person wants. I can’t help but wonder if passive-aggression is at the root of so many examples of micro-aggression we are seeing lately.

There is a huge difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness/passive-aggressiveness. In the first case, an assertive Starbucks® customer would immediately, politely, tell the barista that there is too much ice in the beverage and ask for it to be remade. (There is a sign on the counter of every Starbucks® that states the store’s policy about re-making a drink to a customer’s satisfaction.) If the new drink still wasn’t made to the person’s satisfaction, the person could ask for a refund and stop going there for coffee. Maybe even a letter to the CEO would be in order. Conversely, an aggressive customer might rudely complain about the drink, demand the refund/reject apologies from the company, etc., and even stomp loudly off the premises and tell everyone about the lousy experience. The passive-aggressive customer may take the beverage as it was originally prepared and then complain (loudly or discretely) about everything that is wrong with the drink. The final step on this path would be to take the complaint to court.

I do not know all of the details about this customer’s lawsuit. Perhaps the individual has made many attempts to change how the company prepares its iced beverages and even had a one-on-one meeting with the CEO to vent frustration about this perceived rip-off. But is this issue so important to press legal charges, knowing that the cost of hiring a legal team to defend/prosecute this injustice may become financially prohibitive? Sure, the ultimate pay-day could be worth this effort—if and when it eventually comes. The question I have about this issue is whether having a disproportionate ratio of ice-to-coffee symbolic of another more personally meaningful perceived imbalance in this person’s life.

Maybe it isn’t about the coffee, at all.

Summer Promotion: Hypnosis for Weight Loss

Let the power of your subconscious mind help you release extra weight and increase your motivation to make healthier eating/nutrition and exercise choices. Book the entire 10-week series and save $250!

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. In July 2019 she was voted the Best Hypnotherapist in Santa Clarita, California. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2019

Thoughts of the Day

Photo by Sara Fogan

Every now and then I like (and need) to take a few moments and remind myself about what is really important to me, in my life. If you follow me on my Calminsense Hypnotherapy Facebook page you may have seen some of these quotes before on this page, or will in the future. Many of these Quotes of the Day are beautiful examples and illustrations of the work I do as a hypnotherapist, so I will probably draw on them in future essays.

• “Action is the foundational key to all success.” – Pablo Picasso

• “Thinking is difficult that’s why most people judge.” – Carl Jung

• “When prayers go up, blessings come down.” – Unknown

• “Never confuse someone else’s inability to do something with its inability to be done.” – Steve Maraboli

• “Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own unguarded thoughts.” – Buddha

• “The end result of kindness is that it draws people to you.” – Anita Roddick

• “When you stop chasing the wrong things, it gives the right things a chance to catch you.” – Bruce Van Horn

• “It takes a huge effort to free yourself from memory.” – Paulo Coehlo

• “What you seek is seeking you.” – Rumi

• “Things alter for the worse spontaneously, if they be not altered for the better designedly.” – Francis Bacon

Summer Promotion: Hypnosis for Weight Loss

Let the power of your subconscious mind help you release extra weight and increase your motivation to make healthier eating/nutrition and exercise choices. Book the entire 10-week series and save $250!

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. In July 2019 she was voted the Best Hypnotherapist in Santa Clarita, California. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2019