Passive Aggressive Behavior

Photo by Sara Fogan

Passive aggression is like a glacier: it's strong, solid and
makes its opinion obvious without seeming to do much of anything.

                You must repeatedly remind your teenage son to end a phone conversation with his friend so he can pick up his younger sibling from band practice before he finally snaps the phone shut and stomps out of the room. When you ask your spouse to make a stop on the way home from work to pick up the food you ordered for supper, the response is a loud sigh and a sarcastic comment: “Sure, it’s not as if I don’t have enough to do during the day.” Maybe you consistently forget to return a novel you borrowed from your friend, even though you see each other just about every day at school or work. Sound familiar?

These behaviors are examples of passive aggression, a common form of defensive behavior. It is not exclusive to males or females, and it can be manifested at any age starting from very early childhood until the end of the person’s life. It can start at age 18 months to between two and five years old, when a child starts to differentiate from the parent or caretaker in a subconscious bid to become more independent and autonomous. The more the adult tries to exert authority over the youngster, the more resistant the child becomes: You say yes, the child says no. If the parent does not provide options or alternatives for the desired behavior, but simply demands the child to do what he or she has been told, the youngster doesn’t have a chance to experience the desired autonomy. The child may then exert his or her independence by forgetting to do something or make jokes or sarcastic comments in front of other people as a way to express frustration about the situation. Over time, this tactic becomes a “known” in the subconscious mind and, eventually, the preferred problem-solving strategy and technique.

With the exception of reactions to fear of falling and fear of loud noises, passive aggression—like all other behaviors—is learned; therefore, it can be unlearned. When I work with a client to overcome this “resistant lifestyle,” I will first explore the different emotional triggers for the client’s behavior, such as tone of voice/words used of the person making a request, the time of day the client is most likely to respond this way, etc. Then, while the person is in hypnosis, I will systematically desensitize him or her to these triggers and teach a relaxation response that can be substituted for the previous “known” behavior (passive aggression).  Finally, I may incorporate some hypnodrama and therapeutic guided imagery or visualization techniques to give the person a chance to rehearse expressing his or her needs in these specific situations. Over time, by practicing the relaxation response and communicating what he or she needs at that time, the person can establish these behaviors as a new known response in other similar situations.

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

Doing My Homework

                In my blog on March 26, 2014, I described how I create customize hypnotic scripts for each of my clients. This process actually (unofficially) begins during the first introductory conversation I have with a prospective client, when the person contacts me to discuss whether hypnotherapy can help him or her to achieve specific vocational and avocational self-improvement goals. During the course of this conversation, I try to get as much information about my prospective client and the presenting issue as I can. This isn’t being “nosey”; rather, I need to know whether these goals fall within my scope of expertise as a hypnotherapist. If not, I will refer him or her to a medical doctor or licensed mental health practitioner, who would be a better source of support for that issue. (For a complete list of ways in which hypnotherapy may help you, check out the Appendix tab on my website: http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/appendix.html)

                Once I determine that I can help you, I will need to know even more information and specific details about your behavior/habit: How long have you been doing “X”? Under what situations/circumstances are you most likely to do or want to engage in the behavior? When and why did you start doing this behavior? Have you ever tried to change or stop this behavior in the past? Why do you want to stop doing “X” now? Finally, I will ask whether you ever been hypnotized before. It does not matter whether you have been hypnotized in terms of whether hypnosis can help you achieve your goal; it will. However, this information is useful for me to help gauge how much time you may need to become comfortable being hypnotized (i.e., the hypnotic induction) before we address your specific behavior in hypnosis.

                Once we conclude the conversation and we have set your appointment with me, I consult my notes and text/course material for different hypnosis and guided-imagery techniques that I feel will be most appropriate or applicable to help you achieve your behavioral goal. I may revise or write out a completely new hypnotic script that I can use when we meet that is composed of elements of several different scripts. If we have worked together before, I will review the notes I made during your previous session and research hypnosis scripts or techniques to follow up our recent work together. Of course, I know that this plan may change or be revised again, depending on what we discuss during the session and how you respond to/feel during the hypnosis, etc. I will also review different hypnosis and imagery techniques, and even prepare alternate scripts, to use during the session if necessary or as time permits.

                My goal as your hypnotherapist is to help you address and change the habits that no longer work for you and replace them with behaviors that do. To do this, I constantly review and practice the techniques I know, and train for certifications in new topics that will enable me to help more people in even more ways.

 

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

 

Virtual Getaway

Photo by Sara Fogan

 

                “You deserve a break today…” So sings a popular advertisement jingle. Unfortunately, it is not always easy to get that well-deserved break when we want (or need) it. That’s okay: even a mini, mental vacation can provide the emotional and mental respite you need right now to tide you over until you get a chance to enjoy the real thing. Here are some suggestions:

·         Read a book for fun. It doesn’t matter if it is fiction or nonfiction, poetry or Manga. Anything that draws you into a subject deeply enough so you can temporarily lose track of time and place will enable you to feel refreshed when you put the book down.

·         Exercise, meditate or do yoga. Physical activity is not only good for the body, it also kicks up the endorphins—those “feel good” chemicals inside—that help us to relax and relieve stress. If you ever go for a run to clear your head and experience the runner’s “high” you know exactly what I mean.

·         Go outside and experience nature. It doesn’t matter whether you go to the beach, walk in the woods or take a stroll in the neighborhood park; just get outside and experience the sounds, smells and other sensation of this different environment. Spend time looking at your environment: what do you notice that you have never seen before? What color is the sky? Are there leaves on the trees yet? Is there snow still on the ground?

·         Play catch with your dog, cuddle your cat or groom or ride your horse. Nothing compares with the Zen experience of interacting one-on-one with an animal in this way. Clear your mind (and agenda) to spend some time with another creature: focus all of your attention and energy on the animal and immerse yourself in its world for a little while. Notice how your pet responds to what you do and how you communicate with it. What do you do that earns the biggest positive response? What do you do (or don’t do) that the animal seems less interested in? Isn’t it wonderful how little you actually have to say or do to elicit the wagging tail, purr or gentle blowing sound to indicate that it is content? There is nowhere and no one in the world that gives us this kind of positive feedback for just doing something that feels good to both parties.

·         “Special place” imagery: Close your eyes and draw slow, deep breaths. Visualize, imagine, picture or pretend that you are in an environment where you feel completely relaxed, calm and comfortable. This can be someplace that is familiar to you, where you have visited before and really like; or, it can be a location of your own creation. Notice every detail of the environment around you: what do you hear, see, smell, feel, taste? Enjoy the sensation of feeling completely relaxed and at peace with everyone and everything around you in this place. You can anchor these feelings of calm, comfort and relaxation by pressing or rubbing your thumb and index (pointing) finger of your right hand. Anytime you activate this anchor, you can and will immediately access these sensations. To finish this exercise, thank the images you have encountered and open your eyes.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

The Art of Communication

  

              Communication is an art. I am not talking just about expressing a thought or a feeling in words (or dance, music, art, etc.) but also how and whether we take the time to really experience what is being communicated to us. Often, we are so preoccupied with our own thoughts about what we are seeing or listening to, we neglect to notice and process what is going on emotionally, physically and spiritually with the other person. We express ourselves to share how we feel or what we think about something; so what can we do to ensure that the other person truly “gets” what we have just communicated?

                Hypnotherapist Dr. Alex G. Kappas, Ph.D., used to say: “I know you believe you think you understand what I have just said; but I am not sure that what you heard is not what I meant.” In other words, we tend to “hear” a specific message based on our previous experience and expectations about what we think the other person is (or should be) saying as it fits our (not their) mental script. Then, we get preoccupied thinking about what we should or want to say in response and likely miss the rest of the message. Most of us do this subconsciously from time to time. So, how do we become an active listener?

                The answer is simply to listen. Be consciously present in the conversation. Pay attention to each word and each sentence as the other person is speaking. Do you understand what he or she is trying to say? Ask a question, rephrase the statement to check that you are getting the information your companion is trying to share with you. Imagine, visualize, picture or pretend that the only people in the room (or world) at that moment are you and the person you are talking to; actively “tune out” any distractions in your environment, or use those distractions to deepen your level of focus and concentration on the conversation you are in. Turn off/ignore your phone. Do not interrupt your companion while he or she is speaking but wait for a natural ebb or pause in the conversation for your turn to speak.

                Sometimes the most important part of talking is actually listening.

         

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

 

Creating Your Hypnotic “Script”

                It goes without saying that each hypnotic script that I create for my clients is unique. It has to be: since each person is idiosyncratic and individual, even similar issues such as the desire to stop smoking, lose weight or increase self-confidence to speak in public will be as unique as the person who is wants to replace or discard an unwanted behavior. Furthermore, the origins of that unwanted behavior or habit will vary as much as each person’s reasons and motivations to change it and the degree of their suggestibility (how they learn). While I have and know many basic hypnotherapeutic “ingredients” to help my clients achieve their specific vocational and avocational self-improvement goal, it is up to me to create the specific “recipe” that will achieve this objective.

I create and tailor hypnotic scripts in a three-part process:

1.       First, I actively listen to what the person is telling me/explaining about his or her situation and goals to change a behavior. I will ask questions and even re-state or reframe what the person has said to make sure I understand what is going on.

2.       Meanwhile, I will be processing/integrating this information into a basic hypnotic script that I already know is or will be useful to address this issue. Literally hundreds of generic hypnotic scripts exist to address various topics, but each one is not necessarily appropriate for or applicable to every situation.

3.       Next, I construct the actual script using the client’s own words (descriptions) about why, how, when, etc., he or she wants to change the unwanted behavior based on his or her suggestibility. If the person is a physical suggestible, I know that the person’s subconscious will understand and process direct and literal suggestions such as, “Your eyes are closing.”) An emotional suggestible client’s subconscious will respond to indirect or metaphoric suggestions, such as “Your eyelids feel heavy.”

Once I choose a working framework for the hypnotic script I will use, I can be somewhat creative with how/when/where I include the client’s specific words or phrases in the suggestions. I may incorporate an imagery exercise or specific elements from a different (albeit related) script to support the hypnotherapy work I am doing with a particular client. For example, I like to include imagery around the color red to reinforce the idea of “stopping” the unwanted behavior (e.g., eating sweets, smoking, nail-biting, etc.) whenever the person sees this color. I can also decide—even at the last second—to not do a particular technique with a client, such as Inner Child work, if I see that the individual is abreacting (negative physical response) to some suggestions, which could indicate that his or her subconscious mind is not ready to accept or process this information.

Basically, during this process I am following jeet kune do creator and martial arts legend Bruce Lee’s advice: “Absorb what is useful. Discard what is not. Add what is uniquely your own.” I take the basic framework of a hypnotherapy process and subtly tailor the script to make it specific and relevant for the client I am working with, based on the fast decisions I must make about which material to use and how and when to use it during the session.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

 

Looking for Inspiration

                Tonight when I sat down to write my blog, I discovered that all of the ideas and topics that had been swimming around in my head and screaming for attention during the day had suddenly disappeared. No matter what I did the words wouldn't come, and the night was ebbing away. In an effort to track down all those inspirations, I employed a technique that I recommend to my hypnotherapy clients to help them overcome writer’s block: I took a few deep breaths, visualized that I was sitting at my desk and writing the stream of words that quickly, easily and enthusiastically bubbled up from my subconscious to my conscious mind. Then, I walked away from the computer for a few minutes and then found another activity to distract me for a while I waited for my new inspiration to take hold. I decided to catch up on some social networking on Facebook. Within a few moments, I came across tonight’s inspiration—or, many inspirations—in the form of a quote of the day from Bruce Lee: “Absorb what is useful. Discard what is not. Add what is uniquely your own.”

                Suddenly inspired, I scrolled through previous posts, looking for more quotes and muses for future blogs and essays. If you follow me on Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/pages/Calminsense-Hypnotherapy/) you may have seen some of these quotes before on this page, or will in the future. Many of these QOTDs are beautiful examples and illustrations of the work I do as a hypnotherapist, so I will probably draw on them in future essays.

                In the meantime, I hope you enjoy and find as much inspiration reading these quotes tonight as I did in sharing them with you.

“When you forgive you don’t change the past, you change the future.” Kissing Fish

“Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace.” Dalai Lama             

“The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply.” General Knowledge’s photograph

“You are stronger than you think.” Crystal Moradi

“Sometimes people are beautiful. Not in looks. Not in what they say. Just in what they are.” Markus Zusak

“Surround yourself with people who know your worth.” Curiano.com

“Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives.” Letters of Gratitude

“Just because your fears have stopped you in the past doesn’t mean they have to do so in the future. Believe in your talents. Trust your gut. Have faith in yourself.” Helene Lerner

“Happiness isn’t the absence of problems; it’s the ability to deal with them.” Steve Maraboli

“Sometimes the hardest part isn’t letting go but rather starting over.” Nicole Sobon

“When you are truly comfortable with who you are, not everybody will like you. But you won’t care about it one bit.” Lessonslearnedinlife.com

“Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life and when it comes, hold your head high, look it squarely in the eye and say, ‘I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat me.” Ann Landers

“Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally it is possible that I may be mistaken.” Anonymous Mother Superior’s prayer

“It’s not just enough to swing at the ball. You’ve got to loosen your girdle and let ’er fly.” Babe Didrikson Zaharias

“Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn’t people feel as free to delight in whatever remains to them?” Rose Kennedy

“Worry is one of the best techniques I have to avoid my feelings.” Anonymous

“Learning too soon our limitations, we never learn our powers.” Mignon McLaughlin

“You take people as far as they will go, not as far as you would like them to go.” Jeannette Rankin

“I don’t think about what I missed, I think about what I had.” Katharine Hepburn

“Think wrongly, if you please, but in all cases think for yourself.” Doris Lessing

“Things come suitable to the time. Childbirth. An’ bein’ in love. An’ death. You can’t know ’em till you come to them. No use guessing an’ dreading.” Enid Bagnold

“Nothing can happen nowhere. The locale of the happening always colors the happening, and often, to a degree, shapes it.” Elizabeth Bowen

“Men for the sake of getting a living forget to live.” Margaret Fuller

“An uttered word cannot be taken back.” African Proverb

“If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.” Chinese proverb

“Nothing icky lasts forever.” Deborah Norville

“Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.” Ruth Rendell

“However great the flood, it will ebb.” Irish proverb

“Everyone has talent. What is rare is the courage to follow the talent to the dark place where it leads.” Erica Jong

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

 

Components of Success

    

Photo courtesy of Fotolia

 

 

                A few months ago, my dad commented how much he admired actor Benedict Cumberbatch’s success in the film industry. He thought the Sherlock star had suddenly hit the big-time since he went from starring in a British television series about Sherlock Holmes to a lead role in the film about Julian Assange; had a role in August: Osage County, a major film starring Meryl Streep and Julia Roberts; and even voiced the dragon in a recent Lord of the Rings movie. Earlier this month, he was also shown goofing around with the A-list celebrities at the 2013 Academy Awards. Of course, this was not an example of Mr. Cumberbatch being an overnight success, at all. He had certainly been paying his dues as an actor for many years—mostly on stage in Britain and some roles in television movies and series in Britain and in America. Do you remember his very minor role as a cavalry officer in Steven Spielberg’s (2011) film, War Horse? Now that he has landed roles in bigger projects, more people are starting to notice him.

 

                One of my favorite examples of what it takes to be successful is from an interview that Clinton Anderson, a very popular horseman, horse trainer and founder of Downunder Horsemanship, did many years ago. The trainer explained that it took years for him to build his company and reputation as a horseman when he immigrated to the United States from Australia. Apparently, he spent just about every cent he had traveling around the country to do riding and horsemanship clinics, and he usually only had one woman in his classes. Mr. Anderson said he was willing to continue traveling, teaching and “treating [his students] like queens” that way as often as he could and as long as he had the money to do so because, hopefully, the next year that student would come back and bring a friend or two. They did, and the rest is history, but his career did not take off into the stratosphere for about 20 years of very hard work.

                My point is this: Success doesn’t just happen; it is the product of a lot of time, effort, hard work and the intention and desire to succeed. This topic has been on my mind for a few weeks, and I did address it in yesterday’s blog: “Are You Ready?” (March 23, 2014). I did not intend to write a sequel to yesterday’s essay. However, I figured I must have had more to say about it since this topic was not only addressed on a radio talk show this afternoon but I also came upon a related quote from Vidal Sassoon in a Twitter feed: “The only place where success comes before work is a dictionary.”

                In John Kappas, Ph.D.’s book, Success Is Not an Accident, the Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder explains how a person’s mental script and subconscious messages influence how and where the individual will direct energy and effort to realize a goal. Everyone has the power to achieve a goal, Dr. Kappas says, if the “correct” mental script for that success—like a road map or a recipe—is available and in place for the person to follow.

                The thing is we often have to live life and accumulate a lot of different experiences, good and bad, to know what we really want or don’t want to do or have in our lives. Some people are very lucky in that they know very early on where they want to be in 10, 20 or 30 years, and they just work hard and steadily to achieve that goal. Other people experiment for a while: they switch majors in college, change jobs over and over and even switch careers in the search for a seemingly unattainable success.

                In a way, I followed both of those paths: By age 11, I had decided that I wanted to be a therapist. I majored in psychology at college and then did a research Master’s degree in psychology, in England. When I returned to the United States, I did a complete 180, career-wise, and worked for seven years at a prestigious martial arts publishing company. I started as a proofreader and, eventually earned a promotion to be one of the editors and a staff writer. By the time I found my way back to my intended path as a therapist, I had done another year of training in hypnotherapy and started my own company, Calminsense Hypnotherapy. Did I mention that I also worked as a barista for a time to help make ends meet? (I make a wicked caramel macchiato.)

The point I’m trying to make is this: it has taken me almost 35 years of hard work and experiencing life, trying my hand at different jobs/careers to appreciate what I really wanted to do in order to be where I am right now. It turned out that my ultimate career as a hypnotherapist turned out to be not exactly what I had originally imagined myself doing when I declared that I wanted to be a therapist. But life didn’t stop when I made my “dream job,” so to maintain my company’s success I have assiduously been marketing, advertising and networking my practice through social media. Meanwhile, I continue to earning certifications in additional therapeutic techniques that can help my hypnotherapy clients achieve their avocational and vocational self-improvement goals. In addition to my background in psychology, I can draw on the historical, philosophical and self-defense information I learned and the social experiences I had working at the magazine to help build rapport with and create metaphors and hypnotic scripts for my clients.

Sometimes when I look back on everything I have done and experienced to get where I am, doing what I love to do, I pinch myself and wonder how I got so lucky. And then I remember: luck had nothing to do with my success. Yes, I am still in the process of becoming the person I always wanted/meant/planned to be, but I am that person because I have put in the time and hard work to get where I am.

 

               

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014