(This blog was originally posted on January 19, 2015)
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| Photo by Rick Hustead |
If something
causes you to lose your self-confidence, isn’t it great to have someone around
to remind and reassure you of all the talents and abilities you possess,
encouraging every positive step you take to rebuild that confidence? Similarly,
when you lose your keys or your wallet it is wonderful to have support as you
look for and set about retrieving that object.
However, it is not always or necessarily
a good idea to “find” what we have lost when it comes to a relationship that
has ended.
Often, at the end of a romantic
relationship one partner feels like he or she has “lost” the other person
either to a romantic rival or various life circumstances. Of course the
emotional distress we experience at this time can be incredibly painful and is
sometimes traumatic. Even amicable separations often induce some soul-searching
and melancholy: What went wrong? What
will happen to me now? Where will I go? What will I do without ____ in my life?
And so on.
Sometimes during a relationship people
ignore or even devalue our hobbies or goals in deference to their partner’s
expectations and interests. Perhaps they naturally lost interest in or even
outgrew (over-rode) their previous interests or beliefs (subconscious life
script) during the course of the previous relationship. Alternatively, they may
have subconsciously deferred their interests and career goals to benefit those
of their partner. Now that the relationship is over, they may want to take this
opportunity to reintegrate that behavior in his or her life. On the other hand,
they may decide it is time to start completely fresh and create new behaviors
and beliefs (subconscious mental script) that are more consistent with their
current life situation with no ties to the past relationship.
Therefore, it
is important to reframe this client’s goal from “I want to get over
so-and-so/the relationship I lost” into a more positive-action goal. I want the
person to override the subconscious message that the “lost” relationship must
be found. To accomplish this, I will help the person rephrase the goal to one
of creating a new life that is full of exciting possibilities for personal and
professional growth based on the client’s own terms. For example: “I am working
through the issues/feelings I am carrying from this relationship and continue
leading a productive and fulfilling life whether I am on my own or in another,
mutually nurturing relationship in the future.”
When I work
with clients in this situation one of the first things I work on is to help
increase their self-confidence and self-esteem so they can enjoy their own
interests and pursue personal goals. While the person is in hypnosis I use
therapeutic guided imagery to enable him or her explore these different options
and possible strategies the individual can use to realize these new goals.
Guided imagery and visualization techniques let the person metaphorically see
and even experience, in their imagination, how these new behaviors can
positively impact and improve his or her new life. Since the subconscious mind
does not know the difference between fantasy and reality, the client can draw
on those positive messages and images to enact change and individual
self-growth in the real world. If appropriate or necessary, I may also take the
person through the five stages of loss so the individual can experience and
ultimately resolve the grief and sadness that he or she feels about the end of
the relationship.
Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in
Southern California. She graduated with honors from the
Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about
Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.
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