Alloparenting

(This blog was originally posted on August 25, 2016)

Photo by Rick Hustead

Orcas (killer whales) do it. So do wolves and elephants. And in some cultures, more and more often, humans do it, too.

I am talking about Alloparenting.

This is when individuals in a group other than/in addition to a youngster’s parents participate in raising the child. For example, in Israel children may be raised in a kibbutz where they spend only a few hours each day with their own parents; instead, all the adults in the community help to raise the kids. Young athletes and dancers/performers often spend a majority of time living and training at facilities away from home and their families. Sure, their parents and academic tutors affect these kids’ lives; but the coach or dance/acting instructor’s advice is likely more influential. Apparently, before the Rio 2016 Olympics all five members of the United States women’s gymnastics team moved into their Olympic coach’s home so they could prepare for the Olympics. If any of these women felt homesick or got nervous about the stress of this major competition, they would have sought and received reassurance from their coach Márta Károlyi, not Mom or Dad.

I know many people who count at least one grandparent as a primary care-taker while mom and dad were at work. Families with a lot of children often enlist the older siblings to take on some roles more traditionally allocated to parents, such as transporting the younger kids to and from school, helping with homework or even preparing meals. Even when parents do have a significant role in their upbringing, siblings may even find themselves in the role of mentor to a younger brother or sister. After all, doesn’t advice about relationships and sex, how to negotiate social rites of passage at school, etc., seem so much more relevant and relatable when it comes from someone is perceived as less authoritarian, than a parent?

Another benefit of alloparenting comes to the parents, themselves. First-time parents might get support and advice from their own parents or grandparents to help get through the first week, or night, with a newborn in the home. If her own mother, sister or aunt isn’t around, a new mom might alternatively turn to a close friend or other women in her “Mommy-and-Me” program with more experience in this role for advice and even practical support.

I am very fortunate to be able to consider the parents of my two best friends—who are like sisters to me, anyway—as surrogate parents. I met the entire family on my eighth birthday when they moved into the house across the street from us. As I grew up, I was alternately close with different members of the family, but Amy (the mom) introduced me to my first riding teacher and has continued to encourage my passion for horses and riding throughout my life. Paul (the dad) used to take his kids, me and my sister to the park, the movies and even taught us how to play basketball when we were little. When I returned to the United States after living in England for seven years, he and Amy would invite me over for “steak night” every Saturday night. Although I no longer eat meat, the memories of those evenings are among my favorite and most special. I could confide my feelings, hopes and fears to friends who were not my parents but still had a parental privilege/influence and perspective about how I went and tend to go through the world. They could provide a more objective perspective about a situation without fear of getting involved in family drama.

The plethora of collective life experience that other relatives and/or even close friends who participate in raising a child cannot be under-estimated or under-valued. I appreciate all of the parents in my life.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2017

The Day the World Changed

(This blog was originally posted on September 11, 2014)

Photo courtesy of Microsoft

                September 11, 2001.

                I remember where I was and exactly what I was doing when I first heard that a commercial airliner had crashed into the North Tower of the World Trade Center. Less than 20 minutes later, a second jetliner hit the South Tower. By the time a third jet barreled into the Pentagon and a fourth went down in a remote field in Pennsylvania, it was obvious that the United States was under attack and the world as we knew it would never be the same.

                Gone are the days when we may walk our grandparents down the jet way and escort them right to the door of an airplane to wave goodbye when they go home after Thanksgiving. (We can’t even walk through airport security with our shoes still on.) Gone are the days when the only things we had to worry about when we traveled were weather delays or mechanical problems on the jet, coach or train we are traveling on. Oh, no: that is our old (now largely untenable) subconscious mental script. In the past 13 years, the bigger concern and occasional reality is whether the person seated beside us is carrying a concealed weapon such as a bomb or blade. Thirty years ago, hostages on a hijacked plane or ship could usually rely on eventually being released to survive their ordeal when the bad guy(s) were caught or left their human collateral behind in their escape. Since September 11, 2001 most people seem to know—believe?—that we may not escape such an attack with our lives.

                Now, let’s turn that mind-set around. As a species, humans are very good at surviving, enduring and adapting to the physical and social environment in which we live. While I lived in England during the 1990s, everyone knew better than to ever leave bags, packages or luggage unattended anywhere, or else the police confiscate and destroy (blow up) the bag in case it was a bomb. Precaution, observation and adherence to the new security motto if you see something, say something have become our new subconscious known in the United States, too. We do not take our freedom or security so much for granted anymore, simply because we can’t afford to do so. Our metaphoric antennae are ever on alert, ready to raise the alarm if something doesn’t look, sound or seem right. By the time the passengers and crew aboard United Airlines Flight 93 realized their flight was doomed, they likely knew from phone calls to loved ones that they were heading toward a similar fate as what had already happened in New York City and Washington. Armed with the knowledge that they would not survive the hijacking no matter where the flight ended, they reportedly confronted and fought back against the terrorists. Their heroic actions not only saved thousands more lives by crashing the plane into a Pennsylvania field instead of the Capitol building but also created a new subconscious known for the rest of us: it is okay to fight back. Indeed, since we know and acutely remember that what happened thirteen years ago could happen again, we are more ready to jump right into the fray and prevent a fellow traveler from igniting explosives in his shoes or underwear. Even though we may grumble about the inconvenience, we submit to the extra interview, x-ray and pat-down at the security gates before boarding a plane or even entering a landmark building.

For me, our ability to endure even after those terrorist attacks proved that the capacity of our subconscious mind is a major key to humanity’s ability to survive extreme tragedy and bear almost unbearable loss. If not for the SCM’s ability to translate, store and retrieve those danger message units from the environment and anchor that perception to a fight/flight response, countless more people would likely have perished on and since September 11, 2001.

My thoughts and prayers are with the victims, their families and friends, and the first responders who sacrificed and lost so much sixteen years ago today.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2017

Thoughts of the Day

Photo by Sara Fogan

     Every now and then I like (and need) to take a few moments and remind myself about what is really important to me, in my life. If you follow me on my Calminsense Hypnotherapy Facebook page you may have seen some of these quotes before on this page, or will in the future. Many of these Quotes of the Day are beautiful examples and illustrations of the work I do as a hypnotherapist, so I will probably draw on them in future essays.

• “If you can’t beat fear, just do it scared.” – Glennon Doyle Melton

• “Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.” – Buddha

• “You can’t base your ideas of success and happiness on other people’s opinions and expectations.” –  Lolly Daskal

• “Begin with the end in mind. Start with the end outcome and work backwards to make your dream possible.” – Wayne Dyer

• “Most of our problems are because we act without thinking or we keep thinking without acting.” – Jeromy Shingongo

• “To survive, we must tell stories.” – Umberto Ecco

• “When it comes right down to it, all you have is your self. Your self is a sun with a thousand rays.” – Pablo Picasso

• “Go out there and do something remarkable.” – Wendy Wasserstein

• “The heart surrenders everything to the moment. The mind judges and holds back.” – Ram Dass

• “We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master.” – Ernest Hemingway

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2017