Recreating the Family of Origin

Photo by Rick Hustead

When I was a freshman at Occidental College, I noticed something very interesting: all of the students looked the same. Well, not exactly the same, as in identical; but our similarity in physical features and even social backgrounds struck me as uncanny. One of my favorite instructors reminded me of my mother, from her general physique and gentle demeanor to the curly, salt-and-pepper dark hair they wore in a similar style. Maybe that resemblance contributed to her being one of my favorite professors. I remember that my fourth-grade teacher reminded me of one of my grandmothers; Mrs. Payne also happened to be one of my favorite grammar-school teachers. I don’t think that was a coincidence. One of the first good friends I made at Goldsmiths College in London, during my junior year abroad reminded me of my sister; they both even shared the same major in English literature.

On Tuesday, May 17, 2016, KFI AM 640 radio host Gary Hoffman and his featured guest, Wendy Walsh, Ph.D., discussed people’s subconscious tendency to recreate the “home” or family environment/social schema where they work. Dr. Walsh’s description of this behavior sounded a lot like Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder John Kappas, Ph.D.’s Theory of Mind. No matter where we are or who we are with, we subconsciously want to return to those early experiences where we felt comfortable—even if we were experiencing pain in that situation. Both models made total sense.

Many people spend a majority of their waking day at work or at school/college. Whether it is a youngster’s first day in kindergarten or the first time newly minted CEO walks into the boardroom to facilitate a meeting, anxiety (pain) is usually the dominant emotion experienced. To alleviate this discomfort, we subconsciously look for any similarity between what he or she knows/knows how to do and other people with whom we have shared this previous environment or space. I remember the anxiety I experienced when the original owner of Black Belt magazine sold the company in 2001. All of the staff was anxious about our job security, even the senior editors and art directors. We all knew that the new line manager could easily decide this was a chance to “refresh” the current business model and get new writers and editors. Would our possible replacements actually be more skilled at our job or just a better social “fit” for the new boss? As it turned out, most of us kept our job and even got promotions when Black Belt magazine’s current owners bought and expanded the company a few years later. However, it was easy to see that new writers and editors that were hired were much more “like” and compatible with the new executive staff.

When I interviewed for college and, later, future jobs, I subconsciously looked for an environment where I already felt comfortable and shared interests/goals as the people with whom I would be sharing that environment. I have no doubt that Oxy’s college-acceptance board and my prospective employers had similar criteria when they considered how well I would fit in with them. The same could also be said of how I was originally recruited to join NRG—the business-network group to which I belong—and even, to some extent, how my clients “choose” to work with me as their hypnotherapist. What is similar? What is familiar? That is where we ultimately go—and stay.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2016

After the Watershed Hour

(This blog was originally posted on January 4, 2014)

Photo by Rick Hustead

I can remember a time when there was very little if any profanity in books or movies or on television. What little swearing there was would have been bleeped out. If someone cursed during an interview and the word slipped out before the bleep could be superimposed, the individual and/or the network on which the word was heard would likely offer profuse apologies for the offense. On-screen kisses were generally fairly chaste, and if a couple was shown in bed, both partners had one foot on the floor. When Rhett Butler told Scarlett O’Hara, “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn” at the end of Gone with the Wind, audiences were equally if not more scandalized by that line than Miss Scarlett’s constant machinations to seduce Ashley Wilkes.

These days however, very few words or activities are off-limits on-screen, on the radio or on the page. Even then, it is often possible to discern what is being said or done. I am constantly amazed at the amount of fairly explicit sexual innuendo and even depiction of sexual activity on network television before 9 p.m. A wider variety of expletive language has become more prevalent among public figures, as well: Remember when Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti dropped an F-bomb during a speech to celebrate the Los Angeles Kings hockey team winning the Stanley Cup in June 2014? New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady apparently let one fly in November 2013, and Jennifer Lopez reportedly did the same on American Idol in March 2014. What happened to the idea that public figures such as athletes, politicians and other celebrities should be role models for youngsters? What gives?

According to Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder John Kappas, Ph.D.’s Theory of Mind, every belief and behavior other than a reaction to the fear of falling and a reaction to the fear of loud noises is learned. First we identify a stimulus (e.g., smell, sound, taste, sight, touch) and associating it with a positive or negative response or experience (knowns). As these associations gradually create our life script (mental script), we continue to behave in ways which we have learned “work” to help us accomplish a particular goal. As our primary caretaker(s) and, eventually, other influential people in our environment, repeatedly introduce us to specific beliefs or behaviors, the critical area of the mind identifies this random data as “knowns” in the SCM.

I doubt that expletive language, sex and violence have become more prevalent or extreme in recent years. Rather, I think our acceptance of and familiarity with them in our daily lives has facilitated our acceptance and tolerance of them on-screen and in books, etc. This isn’t good or bad, just an observation about how we behave and our expectations and attitudes about these behaviors. Sure, Mario Puzo’s The Godfather (film) had very little swearing in it. However, I bet if the film was made today there would be a lot more “bad words” simply because it is more socially acceptable to use profanity in books, movies and on television that it was forty-plus years ago.

Eventually, we become desensitized to that stimulus (e.g., profanity, sexual imagery, etc.) in our environment so that its presence in our entertainment also feels familiar and comfortable. I think that with these words and images now playing such a big part in (a large portion of) society’s subconscious mental script, it would almost feel unrealistic if they were missing in today’s entertainment.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2016

First Impressions and Building Rapport

Photo by Rick Hustead

On Saturday afternoon, I wandered into a branch of MOD Pizza to check out their menu. I heard that their food is great but never eaten there. To be honest, I was initially put-off by its cafeteria-style ordering system. Sure, it was one thing to walk along a counter and see/point at what items you want on your sandwich at Subway®, but I wasn’t feeling very warm and fuzzy about this set-up to order pizza. Especially since I planned to place a phone order and pick it up on the way back from the barn later in the afternoon. Unlike other pizza menus I was familiar with, the various toppings were listed and the diner could just pick and choose the ones that looked good. The price was determined by size of the pie as opposed to what went on top. There were so many options and the print on the menu was so tiny to read while wearing my contact lenses that I decided I couldn’t be bothered. So I picked up a take-out menu for future reference and decided to leave. Then something amazing happened.

One of the servers behind the counter saw me turn to leave and wished me a great day. Even though I was obviously not going to buy one of their pizzas, she was cheerful and gracious. 

“Actually, I do have a question…” I said and headed back to the counter.

Within a minute (probably less), she sold me a pizza. I explained that I felt overwhelmed by all of the topping choices. I was already going into environmental hypnosis from the delicious aromas of the baking pizzas and the cornucopia of toppings available. The last thing I wanted was to have to consider the possible combinations of toppings when all I wanted was to order a medium-sized veggie pizza. Talk about experiencing the pain associated a subconscious unknown. 

 No problem, the server said. She reassured me that I could choose my toppings right then and call in the order about half an hour before I planned to pick it up. I could even wait to pay for it until I returned to pick my pizza up. 

As I left the restaurant I thought about the factors that sealed that sale, as it were. Again, the stimuli in the environment—smells, sights, sounds—definitely played a role because I was going into a light trance the minute I walked through the door. The server’s enthusiasm and interest in helping me to have a great experience at the restaurant was evident throughout my visit, which relaxed me and probably facilitated the original sale. In a final gesture of ultimate “people” and rapport-building skills, the happily chatted with me while I waited for the pizza to be boxed. We discussed the great special effects in San Andreas, which I planned to watch with a friend later, and the “fun” aspect of other movies starring Dwayne Johnson. I asked whether a custom pizza that one of the workers created and named after a manager—“The Salvatore—was a marketing strategy to tie in with The Vampire Diaries. By the time I left with my pizza, my mouth was watering and I knew I would be back for that “Salvatore” pizza.

Talk about a good first impression. And my first MOD Pizza experience was very good, too

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2016