Forever Friends

Photo courtesy of Sara Fogan

                Someone I knew in college once told me, “Every relationship has a shelf life.” As I look back on the past twenty or thirty years of my life, I am starting to appreciate what she meant. Over time, it is natural to grow out of the hobbies and habits that used to preoccupy us. (Do you remember Atari video games?) The crushes on pop stars and television or movie stars that once fascinated us when we were teenagers are replaced by one true love that meant the world to us—and even that relationship eventually runs its course. But life goes on, and we continue pursue some old and new interests; we create strong new social bonds. It is often sad to acknowledge that no matter how hard we try to fight this process and hang on to that part of ourselves we have started to outgrow, this fight can rarely be “won.” On the other hand, when we accept that such growth and change in ourselves and others is a natural part of living, it is possible to enjoy a very long-lived (and evolved) friendship.

In my February 14, 2014 blog titled “Keys to a Successful Long-Term Relationship,” I described seven components that characterize a successful romantic partnership. Most of these factors are also present in a long-term, successful platonic friendship: like each other, trust each other, respect each other, mutual interests, separate interests, good communication. This is certainly true of my friendship with two women I have known since I was eight years old.

We rarely have a chance to spend time all together anymore since one of my friends, Jennifer, is living her dream in New York City. Joy, her sister, is newly married and lives in Northern California. But despite the distances between us, we continue to share secrets and confidences over the phone or in letters, cards or e-mails. We can still laugh at or cry about the same shared memory. We provide emotional support to help each other overcome a fear or reassurance if one of us feels nervous or anxious. One of my friends persuaded me to read the Harry Potter books—the U.S. version, even though I once vowed I would only read them in the original U.K. format. She also introduced me to sushi and music by one of her favorite bands; I have become a Bon Jovi fan, too. Her sister and I remain loyal fans of a long-running afternoon soap opera and Dallas (original and new series). I entertain them by reminding my friends of that day, many years ago, when “X” event happened, and I even remember what day of the week it was.

Of course, there are differences between us, too. There are probably more differences than similarities these days, since we lead such different lives now. We each have friends that the others have never met, hobbies that don’t interest each other, jobs that we can’t imagine doing—or know how to start to do in the first place. Ten or fifteen years ago, these disparities and the idea of growing up and away from them definitely alarmed me. But I have learned that even though many things have changed in each of our lives and time continues to fly by, everything is okay. I really, truly like, trust and respect the good communication, mutual interests and separate interests that cement our friendship.

And I love them.

 

               

 Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

Overcoming Fear, Part 2

Photo by Sara Fogan

Galahad (front) and his half-brother, Amadeus,
a purebred Lipizzaner stallion.

 

 

As I explained in my April 16, 2014 blog (Overcoming Fear, Part 1), repeated exposure to and familiarity with a stimulus helps to increase confidence about dealing with a potential threat or fearful situation. That is because the subconscious mind is more likely to accept and feel comfortable with something it knows. Of course, this kind of familiarity and resulting sense of relaxation can backfire as the person relaxes and feels more comfortable. Some degree of fear and a healthy dose of respect are very important emotions to have when working with horses: A lot of “accidents” happen with and around horses when we forget or ignore how big and powerful they are and can be. On the other hand, when you use your subconscious mind’s known information about working with that animal while you remain focused and aware of your environment, this can be a fabulous and safe experience.

Over the years, I have handled, groomed and clipped each of my riding instructor’s twenty horses. I handle the mares and geldings on a more regular basis, but I often rotate the stallions between their stalls and the turnout arena. Through these activities, I have come to know each one’s quirks and preferences: I knew who was likely to nip or rear to test his rank with the human at the other end of the lead line; I knew who would walk quietly past other horses and stallions in their stalls and who might pin his ears and try to kick through a fence to intimidate a challenger. I was not afraid of these animals per se, but I always treated them with the respect they were due and an abundance of caution for my own safety and well-being when I handled them. As a former trainer once said of the stud at his barn, “He knows he’s a stallion, so he deserves respect.”

Each of my trainer’s stallions is generally very sweet, well-behaved and respectful of the people who ride and handle them. But they are also 900-plus pounds of powerful muscle and strong bones, with a very healthy fight-flight instinct and an equally a strong courtship instinct. I did not just decide to clip my trainer’s stallions yesterday on a whim or a personal dare to prove I could do it. Rather, it was my job to clip the horses that needed it that day—including the two more demonstrative ones. So I put on my helmet and gloves to protect my head and hands—rope burn is no fun and very easy to get when a horse pulls suddenly back on the line—grabbed the clippers, a bag of treats and got down to work.

The first stallion on my list was actually my gelding Galahad’s half-brother, Amadeus. He is a Lipizzaner stallion, whose modus operandi for intimidation and asserting dominance featured holding a levade (a very controlled half-rear) for several seconds. Since the mares were already turned out in the paddock for their playtime, I took the clippers and a bag of treats to the stud where he was also enjoying turnout time in the arena, away from the mares. I admit that I was already a little wary: I had never clipped this stallion on my own, before (my trainer was usually nearby when I did this work). Since I knew from previous experience that this horse could get very “challenging” to handle if mares were his immediate vicinity, so I decided to hedge my bets and do my work where we were. Amadeus stood still as I slid his halter over his head; he even cocked a hind hoof—a sign of equine relaxation. I plied him with treats and slowly desensitized him first to the electric clippers in the off position (some reaction) and then to the persistent buzz when I turned them on.

I don’t know whether the sound of the clippers scared him; perhaps the sensation of the blades against his muzzle irritated or tickled him. Whatever: the stallion immediately pulled back and coiled his body to make a few half-hearted attempts at a levade. Since I was expecting this reaction (his “known”/previous reaction to the clippers), I was prepared and able to hold on to the lead-line while Amadeus had his temper tantrum. While I waited, I immediately did some deep, diaphragmatic breathing to keep my adrenaline low and consider my next move to get the horse back under control. I spoke quiet words of reassurance (not placation) and told him to quit his behavior. For the first time, I spoke with a confidence and sense of control that I truly felt in this situation. I was confident in the physical precautions I had taken to be as safe as I could be in this situation; and, I was confident in my new-found ability to effectively handle this horse and finish my job without having to call my trainer for assistance.

Amadeus must have sensed that I meant business, too; because the stallion dropped back onto all four hooves and stood still while I went to work on his whiskers and bridle path, plying him with treats and praise the entire time. By the time I finished clipping him and removed his halter, the stallion lowered his head and ambled just behind me, at my right shoulder, right up to the gate. I believe that this was a very good clipping experience for both of us, the perfect opportunity to create a positive “known” association between my confidence in my ability to safely handle, reassure and help Amadeus through an encounter with clippers. As my dad likes to say, “Every experience becomes a part of you.” I, for one, am looking forward to having a lot of good, positive experiences like that becoming a part of my life.

 

 

 Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014



Overcoming Fear, Part 1

Photo by Sara Fogan

Galahad (front) and his half-brother, Amadeus,
a purebred Lipizzaner stallion

“Fear does not prevent death. It prevents life.” – Naguib Mahfouz

                Many of us fear the Great Unknown: a new experience, a new environment, a new member of our social circle. Will this unknown entity hurt or kill us? Or, will exposure to this X-factor make us more confident, stronger or self-resilient? No matter what frightens us, the emotion of fear is actually a great physical, emotional and psychological defense, because it is already known to the subconscious mind. We may not be afraid of the same things, but the experience of fear—especially, fear for personal survival—is a great equalizer in every species on the planet.

                I have certainly felt trepidation and even fear in various situations. I will not deny that when I first arrived in London to do my junior-year abroad, and then moved back to England in 1990 to do my post-graduate degree, I certainly felt some fear. I was on my own in a foreign country, thousands of miles away from my family, friends and familiar surroundings. But I wanted these experiences badly enough that I over-rode my fears of the unknown and struck out on my own in a foreign land. England became my “spiritual home,” and I made some very dear friends. I learned how to take care of myself, to think for myself and to be able to pick myself up after a disappointment and carry on, stronger than ever.

As my father likes to say, “Everything you do becomes a part of you.” Once I started my hypnotherapy training at the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2004, the basis of the subconscious mind’s strategies to guide our behavior in order to essentially protect us and insure our survival became very clear to me. According to HMI founder John Kappas, Ph.D.’s Theory of Mind, everything that is unknown to the subconscious mind is immediately, inherently something to be feared. The conscious mind—replete with our reasoning, decision-making, logic and will-power faculties—cannot easily over-ride this instinct until the subconscious mind accepts the stimulus as a known.

In addition to hypnosis, repeated exposure to an unknown or threatening stimulus can desensitize us to its negative (unfamiliar) aspects so that it eventually becomes a known in the SCM. Once you have had previous exposure to the original event, person or object, this experience can help you to create and activate a strategy that will enable you to meet and hopefully resolve a challenge or neutralize a perceived threat.

That is why I decided to clip the muzzles and bridle paths of each of my trainer’s four stallions.

 

 Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

 

 

 



Being a Good Host

 

                In January, I had brunch with relatives I had not seen since I was about 10 years old. Last night, I saw one of those cousins again at a Passover Seder. This was the first night of Passover and, apparently, the first time he had ever experienced this holiday. I know from my hypnotherapy training how and why it is not always easy or comfortable to participate in an unfamiliar holiday or event (unknown); but he was a very enthusiastic and appreciative participant (guest) in this very interactive meal. His interest and apparent joy about being included in the Seder inspired everyone else to also pay closer attention to and appreciate the significance of the many symbolic elements of this meal.

It also reminded me how important it is to be a compassionate and involved host in order to help each guest feel welcome, relaxed, interested and interesting so everyone can have a great time.

Advice for the Host(s)

·         Do as much food and set-up preparation as possible well before the guests are due to arrive. The less rushing around you have to do, the calmer you will feel and the more relaxed you will be during your party.

·         Consider assigning seats around the dining table to facilitate introductions of specific guests or, if necessary, to separate others who do not get along.

·         Remember to breathe! Deep breathing increases the flow of oxygen throughout the body, via the bloodstream. Draw a deep breath through the nose and hold it for the count of four. Imagine, visualize, picture or pretend that you are inhaling confidence, relaxation, calm and any other positive emotions that represent to you a comfortable social interaction. At the count of four, exhale that breath through your mouth. As you exhale visualize, imagine, picture or pretend that you are releasing the anxiety, discomfort and/or any other negative emotions that you have previously associated with these kinds of social interactions. Say/repeat the following mantra: “I am very relaxed, calm and confident. With each deep breath I take, I am becoming even more relaxed, sociable and in control of everything around me. In fact, the harder I try to do or be the opposite, the more comfortable and outgoing I become/am.”

·         Take a relaxing bath and/or do some meditation to deepen your sense of relaxation. You can even do some self-hypnosis to reinforce suggestions that your party will be fun and successful in order to assuage any anticipatory anxiety about the event. These suggestions may include: “My guests will feel relaxed and enjoy meeting and inviting these new people into their lives”; and “(As the host or hostess) I release any and all worry or negative expectations and will have fun at my party.”

·         Do not assume that a guest is bored or uninterested in what is going on at your party just because the person isn’t doing much (or any) talking. It takes some people a little while to relax and feel comfortable in a social environment, let alone a bustling or structured one. Sometimes, this kind of event can be overwhelming—so much so that the physical stimuli and activities going on induce a gentle trance or light state of hypnosis!

·         Be an interested host: Ask your guests questions and listen to their replies. Invite them to participate in different aspects of the event, such as proposing a toast, helping to serve part of the meal, leading the group in prayer before the meal, etc. Not only do these kinds of activities help to integrate individuals within this new social group, they also facilitate conversations between the guests during the party.

·         Similarly, if your guest(s) offer to help you serve part of the meal or beverages, or want to help you clean up afterward, it is okay for you to accept this offer. I find that people often want to pitch in this way. It is a way for guests to show how much they appreciate the time and effort their hosts made to put on a successful event, as well as to be more involved in it.

·         Once you have introduced all of your guests to each other, do not linger to monitor these interactions. It is natural for conversations to ebb and flow. Your guests may have more or less in common with each other than you hoped or expected; however, it is out of your hands whether they a friendship or other relationship ultimately develops from this introduction.

·         Point out common interests that your guests share. This will help to break the ice and facilitate conversations. If you someone seems uncomfortable, make a point of striking up conversation with that guest. Discuss things that you know he or she is interested in and make a point of introducing that person to others at the event who are likely to share a common interest.

·         Eat protein (cheese, meat or non-meat protein substitutes, nuts, etc.) before and during the event to stabilize your blood sugar and keep your mood even.

·         Alcohol lowers inhibition and can consequently affect your mood and confidence, so avoid drinking or limit your intake of alcoholic beverages before and during your event. Similarly, even if you are serving alcohol, be sure to offer your guests nonalcoholic beverages such as water, fruit juice and even soda to drink. Restrict the amount of caffeinated beverages you drink, which can also affect blood-sugar level and your mood.

 

 

 Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

 

Tired? There's a Nap for That!

Photo courtesy of Microsoft

                Have you ever pulled an all-nighter to study for an exam or complete a project before a deadline? Or, have you ever become so caught up in a social activity that you didn’t want to close your eyes in case you missed something? (Remember when you or one of your kids tried to stay up all night to catch a glimpse of Santa Claus coming down the chimney on Christmas Eve?) We seldom think about it—or try not to--but sleep is a precious commodity that many of us neglect or even avoid at all costs. This behavior doesn’t do our body any good.

                Sleep is the time when our body can take a rest and recuperate from any physical exertion or stress that we experienced during the day. This is when the cells in the body regenerate. This is when dreams happen—those precious seconds when the subconscious mind works through and/or “dumps” all of the information that we don’t need to consciously think about anymore. It is as natural to need and want to sleep as it is to eat, drink and create social bonds with other people. But for some reason, we tend to perceive an admission of feeling tired or sleepy as a sign of weakness and won’t slow done for that needed rest until we collapse from exhaustion.

                When you feel tired, lie down and take a nap or go to bed for the night. Show your body the same consideration and respect as you do when you eat a meal or drink some water to slake your hunger or thirst. If you cannot sleep or have interrupted sleep, or if you feel you sleep “too much,” consult your primary physician to make sure that there is not a medical cause for this behavior. Hypnotherapy is a great complement to traditional health care in that hypnosis, guided imagery/visualization and relaxation techniques also provide an opportunity to vent emotional stress that may prevent normal sleep patterns and cause you to feel (or not get) tired. Your body is telling you something when you feel tired; isn’t it time to listen to what it is trying to say?

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

 

What Is Your Strategy?

Photo by Sara Fogan

 

                I stopped at a local Starbucks® on my way home from the barn today. It was a hot afternoon so I thought an iced beverage would be a good choice: but, which one? Sweetened iced tea? Iced coffee?  Iced tea or tea with lemonade would be refreshing, but I would probably drink it very fast and need something more to completely quench my thirst. Iced coffee was a possibility. Then again, an iced hazelnut latte or an iced caramel macchiato was appealing, but the milk and syrups would make the drinks seem too heavy and less likely to quench my thirst. The line was long enough that I had several minutes to ponder my options. Even though I was going to use a gift card to pay for the drink I still had to consider the cost: iced tea costs less than a latte, a latte is less expensive than the macchiato…what did I want to drink, and did I have enough on the card to pay for a more expensive beverage? (I thought so.) I still hadn’t completely made up my mind when the barista asked me what I would like to order. Ultimately, I settled on none of the drinks that I and I had previously considered and ordered a Starbucks double shot over ice. On the one hand, I wasn’t really surprised about my ultimate choice because it is my favorite, go-to beverage on a hot day. Its strong flavor and the image of milk swirling and drifting to the bottom of the plastic cup are so aesthetically appealing to me as to be temporarily mesmerizing. Also, since I used to prepare this drink at a local Barnes and Noble café, its sight, smell and taste have become “knowns” in my subconscious mind. So, why did it take so long for me to make up my mind that I wanted this beverage before I ordered it? It’s not like this was a major purchase or anything…

On the other hand, when I really want to do something—when something is very important to me—I just do it. I don’t do too much strategizing about how to attain that specific goal, either. I basically just visualize, imagine, picture and pretend that I have already achieved it and then carry on as if success is a foregone conclusion. When I decided to pursue my postgraduate degree in London, England, I worked hard to earn the requisite grade-point average that would qualify me for a spot on the course; then I just sent in the application and waited for my acceptance letter. Similarly, when I decided that I wanted to fulfill one of my lifelong dreams to own a horse, I simply pitched a couple of offers to my then-trainer, Jim O’Leary, to buy one of his schooling horses that I liked. When Jim and his wife, Connie, accepted my second bid, I bought the horse. (I even got to write the purchase agreement.)

                One of the classes in my Neurolinguistic Programming certification course addressed strategies for achieving a goal. It wasn’t until I volunteered to allow one of the instructors, Joe Leeway, C.Ht., and my classmates analyze my horse-purchasing strategy that I realized a lot more thought and planning typically goes into accomplishing a major goal or task. My process seemed to be overly simplistic, similar to the motto I once saw on a Cowgirls Unlimited T-shirt that read: “Cowgirls (saw it, wanted it) Got It.” Surely, there had to be more to my story then just seeing the horse, wanting and then buying him? Didn’t I have to readjust my goal? Did I ever need to recruit help or activate other resources or strategies to attain it? Joe and the other students asked over and over.

Actually, no: Before I actually met or even rode my future (first) horse, I saw his name on a stall door: Jeeves. That was on the day of my first riding lesson in about 20 years. I remember saying to myself, “I have to meet this horse.” I had lived in England for seven years and was a fan of P.G. Wodehouse’s Jeeves and Wooster novels. I had even met and had a photo taken with actor Stephen Frye, the actor that portrays “Jeeves.” As far as I was concerned, this horse was destined to be in my life, end of story. I just sent a picture of myself owning the horse out to the universe, and then waited a few months for that dream to become manifest—no strategizing required, just patience.

And he was worth the wait.

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

Blogging

Photo courtesy of PresentationPro

My blogs are an important tool by which I can educate, inform and
inspire others about hypnotherapy and guided imagery as effective
tools of behavior change.

                The first time I ever heard the words “blog” and “blogging” was from a former client. I admit that I initially didn’t really get what blogging was about or what it could do—let alone why someone would do it in the first place. All that changed when I saw the film Julie and Julia, which starred Amy Adams and Meryl Streep. Computer blogging was the cornerstone of the movie in which Adams’ character (Julie Powell) wrote a blog each day for one year about her experiences cooking and eating food that she had prepared from a Julia Child cookbook. She also included other details about her life in these essays and provided background information about the late chef’s personal and culinary challenges and triumphs. Ultimately, Powell’s online journal was not only a chronicle of her own culinary adventures that year, but it also provided a cornucopia of life experiences and philosophies that she had learned in the process.

                I often think about this film when I sit down to write my own blogs. I think about Powell’s passion about recreating each of Julia Child’s recipes exactly how the chef wrote them. I think about the author’s dedication to sharing each aspect of these culinary projects with anyone and everyone who was interested or curious in what she was trying to do. Unlike Powell, I do not have a general or generic book of hypnosis recipes that I can replicate and will share with you each night. In fact, each one of the hypnotic scripts that I create for my clients is as individual and specific as the person for whom I have created it. Also, for ethical reasons I would not and could not share this information in order to preserve client/therapist confidentiality.

However, I am like Julie Powell in that I do have a lot of information, skills and experience in my own area of expertise that can help and motivate you to achieve your own goals. I can share the theoretical premises behind hypnosis and hypnotherapy, and human behavior/motivation. I can explain how and why hypnosis works. I can tell you how and why the subconscious mind responds to the negative (or positive!) “chatter” that you have been telling yourself so that you continue to practice a behavior or habit that no longer works for you. I can share information about the many and various hypnotherapeutic techniques that I have learned and mastered since I first started working as a hypnotherapist. I can write blogs about all of these things to inspire you to give hypnotherapy and therapeutic guided imagery a try so you can also achieve your own vocational and avocational self-improvement goals.

Hypnotherapy worked for me…I know it will work for you, too!

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014