Why Do We Keep Returning to Pain?

(This blog was originally posted on August 4, 2016)

Photo by Rick Hustead

“The difficulty lies not so much in developing new ideas

as in escaping from old ones.” – J. M. Keynes

Many years ago, an aerobics teacher commented to my class that the discomfort of childbirth is the only kind of natural, “healthy” pain we should experience. Every other kind or source indicates that something is very wrong in the body and should receive immediate attention. This warning is also true of emotional pain—or, it certainly should be—but it is so often disregarded or even intentionally ignored to return to the source or cause of that pain. Why?

When I explain “Theory of Mind,” I often use the example of how individuals frequently return to an abusive romantic partner to explain how even a painful experience can be associated with the familiarity of what is known. From very early childhood we are taught to associate physical pain and discomfort as negative, bad, something to be avoided or fixed right away. Conversely, in an effort to avoid conflict or even a physical altercation we repeat the mantra, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” We are encouraged to ignore the verbal slights and barbs and do whatever is necessary to maintain peace in the environment. (This model also applies in a physically abusive relationship.) We learn to look the other way or look for the good, positive attributes once attracted us to him or her and enter the relationship. Over time, every time we repeat this behavior and return to the source of the pain, we are actually reinforcing the subconscious known which provides that temporary comfort of familiarity in the relationship.

As Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder John Kappas, Ph.D. explained, we are all subconsciously motivated to maintain and/or restore a known physical and emotional status of comfort and security. Since the subconscious mind is motivated and even programmed to seek this comfort, we naturally, repeatedly gravitate toward the source of that comfortable, secure state until something or someone is available to replace that familiar stimulus. In some respects this response can be likened to addictive behaviors: Every positive gesture or response the person receives is an emotional reward that literally lights up the pleasure areas of the brain. However, when the response is negative—hurtful or even abusive—the subconscious association of familiarity in this situation knowing that it will likely turn around again is equally if not more powerful. No matter how frustrating and even humiliating the “pain” of that rejection is, the lingering hope that the situation will turn around and the negative behavior will actually change keeps us toughing out the temporary pain, luring us back.

Fortunately, hypnotherapy and guided imagery can help you change this behavior pattern by replacing and rewriting the subconscious mental script that has been keeping you in this pattern for so long. A hypnotherapeutic process called de-loving is also extremely effective to help dissolve the subconscious associations to the feelings and emotions that you carry for the other person and/or relationship. Instead of erasing any memories of the other person or situation, however, de-loving helps you return to a neutral and even indifferent attitude that enables you to focus on yourself, personal goals and other (more) important areas of your life.

For more information about this topic and to set up an appointment with me, call or send a text to (661) 433-9430 or send an e-mail to me at calminsensehypnosis@yahoo.com.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2017

Anchors

(This blog was originally posted on April 3, 2014)

Photo courtesy of Microsoft

 

                In my previous blogs, I described how I help my clients “anchor” a positive association to their new, desired behavior. This is done while the person is in hypnosis and most likely to be enjoying the deep relaxation, calm and comfort that this state naturally provides. He or she can activate this new anchor at any time to reinforce the new, desired behavior and replace unwanted habits. But, hypnosis isn’t the only time we create anchors. In fact, these subconscious associations can occur in various situations and at any time whether we intend to do this or not. This is how many of those habits that we consciously want to change have been created in the first place.

                Smells can create very strong, pervasive anchors for many people. The scent of the cologne or perfume can bring up a happy association with a beloved grandparent or may trigger negative emotions if the smell reminds you of your ex. The smell of freshly baked apple pie might­ take you back to coming home from college to enjoy a holiday meals; but this same smell could be frustrating or even torturous for someone who is on a diet. These are just a few reasons why I do not wear perfume or even use scented candles when I work with my hypnotherapy clients. I also want to avoid creating an unintended trigger to hypnosis that could be activated if the person perceives a scent that their subconscious mind already associates with me.

                We can also create subconscious anchors to food or physical sensations (touch). Do you remember the first time you touched a hot stove? You may not if this first experience happened when you were very young. However, your subconscious mind sure does; you probably even can’t recall a time when you have not been cautious about touching a surface that might be hot. The same is true if you have ever avoided a certain food because you once got food poisoning eating that item, or you can no longer tolerate the taste or smell of a favorite snack since you had your child because that was all you could eat while you were pregnant.

You can even create a subconscious anchor to sounds or music. For example, whenever I hear the hit song, “Always,” by Bon Jovi, my mind immediately flashes to an early memory of lounging on a beach at the end of a summer day. The sun is still bright in the sky but the temperature is no longer hot, and an almost-cold breeze is coming off th­e ocean. The song sounds almost tinny as it blasts out of the portable, one-speaker stereo that belongs to a nearby sunbather. I can barely detect the scent of Coppertone® sunscreen as the salty air fills my nostrils. Do you see how much imagery and how many associations are evoked by this one, specific song? To this day, I only need to catch the first few bars and I see this scene. I wasn’t even a Bon Jovi fan the first time I heard “Always” and I’m still not overly fond of that song—or sunbathing on the beach, for that matter.

Isn’t that interesting….

               

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2015