Don't Rise to the Bait

(This blog was originally posted on August 21, 2014)

Image courtesy of Fotilia

Whether it’s a colleague at work or another kid at school who is subtly or not-so-subtly challenging you, the most effective strategy to dissipate the tension between you is to ignore the taunt. Unfortunately, nothing is one of the most difficult things to do when we want to stand our ground and defend what we believe. This is even more challenging when we buy into and believe the criticism or digs someone is directing our way. Like children on the playground, adults can also get caught in a seemingly endless cycle of verbal sparring because this kind of interaction has become an established pattern between the participants. There may not be a specific reason why this behavior occurs; and for the purposes of this essay, it doesn’t even matter. The point here is the behavior and how you can prevent yourself from responding to and engaging with whatever has instigated it.

Whenever you find yourself in a potentially negative interaction ask yourself: Is the trash talk part of your usual repertoire with this individual or individuals? If your answer is yes, consider who is instigating the negativity. Be honest! It surprises many people to realize that they may have started the argument or made the first dig without even consciously knowing or intending to do this. If you did intend to stir something up with the other person, consider your reason or reasons for doing so. Sometimes we criticize another person’s behavior or appearance, etc., because we actually disapprove of or even resent that attribute in ourselves. If your answer is no, think back to a similar, previous occasion or events in which you were the object of the other person’s animosity. How did you react in those situations? How did the other person respond to what you said or did? If this scenario has been repeated several times, it is likely that you both follow a subconscious mental script in which you trigger specific antagonistic/combative and defensive/combative responses in each other.

  

Even if this behavior has become a habit, the good news is that you both can unlearn it and rewrite your mental scripts to create a more constructive way of interacting. Do not use or waste this time and your energy trying to come up with a clever retort to the other person’s taunt, either. Any temporary pleasure you may feel when you say it will be overshadowed by the fact that your quip will only reinforce the unwanted behavior you’re trying to get rid of and the other person’s negative behavior toward you. The easiest way to start changing the original pattern is simple: just do not respond to that dig or verbal jab. Instead, draw a deep breath through the nose and hold it to the count of four and then exhale the breath through your mouth. As you inhale, visualize, imagine, picture or pretend that you are inhaling calm, focus, patience and any word that you associate with feeling powerful, in control, and loving or benevolent. Then when you exhale, imagine that you are releasing from your body every last bit of anger, stress, frustration or negative energy or emotion that you feel about the other person and/or this situation.

For all intents and purposes, you are in a kind of “relationship” with the other person or people with whom you share this behavior. Like any other relationship in your life, this one is also subject to the principles behind the Systems Approach, whereby you cannot separate one component of the system from the sub-total or entire system. According to John Kappas, Ph.D., the founder of the Hypnosis Motivation Institute, changing your behavior in the relationship—i.e., no longer respond to comments or communicate with the other party the way you used to—will necessarily affect the basic structure of the relationship or system and create resistance within it. The ultimate goal of applying the Systems Approach in hypnotherapy is to bring the System (relationship) back into balance. However, if that system is no longer working for you and the other party or parties is unwilling to change their behavior to restore this balance, the relationship as it stands will not survive. Under those circumstances, you may ultimately find that leaving the toxic relationship and combative social environment is the better option anyway.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2018

What Are You Waiting For?

Photo courtesy of Sara Fogan

Me and Geeves

     Do you live in the moment? Can you do it? This is a challenge for a lot of people, myself included. But I'm working on it.

     When I was a teen-ager, I decided that Thursday night is my favorite day of the week because the weekend is just about to start. I still have Friday and Saturday to look forward to! But by Friday afternoon I would start to feel sad, because in my mind the weekend was almost over! Don't even ask how I felt about Sundays! And then, many years ago a colleague recited a quote she had heard: "It's always better to travel hopefully than to arrive." That really resonated with me, because I had long been someone who prefers to plan and look forward to something than to get down and experience it. Since then, I have recited that quote many (read, hundreds) of times over the years.

     In his book, Don't Sweat the Small Stuff (and it's all small stuff), author Richard Carlson, Ph.D., addresses the importance of living in the moment. He points out that people spend so much time worrying about what will happen tomorrow and fretting about what happened in the past that they miss opportunities for joy right now. When I read this, my jaw hit the floor. What have I been missing? I need to pay attention! Having a horse helps me to do this.

     Several years ago, I went up to the barn to see my horse. I was preoccupied out about a project I was working on, and I thought riding Geeves would help to relax me. It did--but not until I stressed my horse out, first! I was so caught up in my anxiety that it wasn't until I felt my 16.2- hand Thoroughbred's muscles tense and he started to jig beneath me that I realized how toxic my thoughts had become. Geeves had picked up all of my negative energy and started to reflect it right right back to me. I knew that if I didn't pay attention to what is going on right now, Geeves was likely to bolt and I could get hurt. I apologized to my horse, took a few deep breaths and cleared my mind of everything except what was going on between the two of us.

     My new horse, Galahad, also lets me know when I am not focused on what is going on right now. A few times I have become so distracted that he has had to bring me out of my past/future reverie with a well-placed tap on my foot. It wasn't his fault; I wasn't watching where I was standing and I was in his blind spot. I got the hint. I could certainly explain or rationalize the incident by telling myself that I became so overwhelmed by my thoughts (message units) that I put myself into a light trance (like missing my exit on the freeway). My horse stepped on me because I was standing in the same spot where Galahad wanted to put his hoof when he shifted his weight. The metaphor was painfully obvious to me, though: I expect my horse to pay attention to me and do what I ask him to do. It is only fair--and respectful to my equine partner--that I devote full attention to him when I am working with him.

     When I was a teen-ager, I only wanted to get on a horse and ride. I didn't want to waste precious minutes of riding time on "just grooming." These days, I am happy to brush, curry, pick hooves, give him a Reiki treatment or massage because that is precious time I get to spend in Galahad's company. Grooming becomes a moving meditation in which I can express my love for and appreciation of him as one of my life's great blessings.

      Having the opportunity to ride him is the great joy of today...every day.

 

 

     Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.