(This blog was originally posted on August 21, 2014)
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| Image courtesy of Fotilia |
Whether
it’s a colleague at work or another kid at school who is subtly or
not-so-subtly challenging you, the most effective strategy to dissipate the
tension between you is to ignore the taunt. Unfortunately, nothing is one of the most difficult things to do when we want to
stand our ground and defend what we believe. This is even more challenging when
we buy into and believe the criticism or digs someone is directing our way.
Like children on the playground, adults can also get caught in a seemingly
endless cycle of verbal sparring because this kind of interaction has become an
established pattern between the participants. There may not be a specific
reason why this behavior occurs; and for the purposes of this essay, it doesn’t
even matter. The point here is the behavior and how you can prevent yourself
from responding to and engaging with whatever has instigated it.
Whenever
you find yourself in a potentially negative interaction ask yourself: Is the
trash talk part of your usual repertoire with this individual or individuals?
If your answer is yes, consider who
is instigating the negativity. Be honest! It surprises many people to realize
that they may have started the argument or made the first dig without even
consciously knowing or intending to do this. If you did intend to stir
something up with the other person, consider your reason or reasons for doing
so. Sometimes we criticize another person’s behavior or appearance, etc.,
because we actually disapprove of or even resent that attribute in ourselves. If
your answer is no, think back to a
similar, previous occasion or events in which you were the object of the other
person’s animosity. How did you react in those situations? How did the other
person respond to what you said or did? If this scenario has been repeated
several times, it is likely that you both follow a subconscious mental script in
which you trigger specific antagonistic/combative and defensive/combative responses
in each other.
Even if this behavior has become a habit, the
good news is that you both can unlearn it and rewrite your mental scripts to create
a more constructive way of interacting. Do not use or waste this time and your
energy trying to come up with a clever retort to the other person’s taunt,
either. Any temporary pleasure you may feel when you say it will be
overshadowed by the fact that your quip will only reinforce the unwanted
behavior you’re trying to get rid of and the other person’s negative behavior
toward you. The easiest way to start changing the original pattern is simple:
just do not respond to that dig or verbal jab. Instead, draw a deep breath
through the nose and hold it to the count of four and then exhale the breath
through your mouth. As you inhale, visualize, imagine, picture or pretend that
you are inhaling calm, focus, patience
and any word that you associate with feeling powerful, in control, and loving
or benevolent. Then when you exhale, imagine that you are releasing from your
body every last bit of anger, stress, frustration or negative energy or emotion
that you feel about the other person and/or this situation.
For
all intents and purposes, you are in a kind of “relationship” with the other
person or people with whom you share this behavior. Like any other relationship
in your life, this one is also subject to the principles behind the Systems
Approach, whereby you cannot separate one component of the system from the
sub-total or entire system. According to John
Kappas, Ph.D., the founder of the Hypnosis
Motivation Institute, changing your behavior in the relationship—i.e., no
longer respond to comments or communicate with the other party the way you used
to—will necessarily affect the basic structure of the relationship or system
and create resistance within it. The ultimate goal of applying the Systems
Approach in hypnotherapy is to bring the System (relationship) back into
balance. However, if that system is no longer working for you and the other
party or parties is unwilling to change their behavior to restore this balance,
the relationship as it stands will not survive. Under those circumstances, you
may ultimately find that leaving the toxic relationship and combative social
environment is the better option anyway.
Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified
hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors
from the Hypnosis Motivation
Institute in 2005. For more
information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an
appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.
© 2018
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