Schadenfreude

(This blog was originally posted on March 14, 2016)

Photo by Rick Hustead

There is a scene in International Velvet when a horse on a rival Olympic team knocks down a pole and incurs a points-error. When the protagonist’s aunt Velvet sees the error on television, she shouts, “Good!” The opponent’s error has made a little more room for her niece, Sarah, to secure a team gold medal if she can get around the course without making any mistakes. (Of course, she does.) But that doesn’t happen before Velvet’s partner, John, raises an eyebrow and comments, “That’s not very sporting of you!”

Schadenfreude.

I came across this word in the context of the plot in A Trick of the Light, a novel by Louise Penny, which I finished reading a few weeks ago. Basically, it means “deriving pleasure from someone else’s misfortune.” In the book, one of the characters is finally enjoying the critical recognition of her talent at a private show for her paintings, followed by a celebratory barbecue at her home. However, her husband and some friends discover the body of a former friend/enemy their garden the following day. The artist wants to celebrate the success of her show and budding career, but she feels guilty about wanting her art to be lauded even after the crime that happened in front of her home. Perhaps more disturbing to her is the eventual realization that her husband, a successful artist, has actually been jealous of her talent for many years and secretly hoped that the murder might derail her success a little bit.

In addition to the scenarios described above, Urban Dictionary lists several common examples of this experience: hearing someone shout “Hold the door!” while running for an elevator, only to reach the lift just as the door shuts. Or, a straight-A student missing one question on a five-question quiz to bring the test score down to a B (80 percent). How about when the quarterback on the opposing team gets sacked after preventing your team from scoring a touch-down? Another example might be watching the value of a company’s stock shares plummet right after you have been fired. And so on.

It is not uncommon or even unnatural to feel happy about or want to get a small bit of compensation for our own misfortune. But, how “good” does it really feel? Does it make you feel happy? Relieved? Or, do you scramble for all of the reasons why the other person deserved this misfortune or inconvenience so you can justify feeling good about it? Human emotions can be very tricky things. They can be accompanied by physiological sensations such as palpitations, change in breathing, trembling, etc. Sometimes censorial thoughts from the conscious mind (and conscience) intrude on these celebrations, too: Why do I feel good about someone else feeling bad?

Try this simple technique to get a different perspective about what is going on inside and around you: Draw a deep, calming breath and hold this air in your lungs for four seconds. Do not think about the situation, your emotions or why you think/imagine you felt the way you do or did when the situation first occurred. Instead, focus your attention on your breath and someone or something that brings you a lot of love and joy. Perhaps it is your spouse, or your kids, a pet, your job, a hobby, etc. Then, as you exhale, release the breath on the word love. Repeat this exercise several times to reinforce this positive direction of your attention.

In his book, Success Is Not an Accident: The Mental Bank Concept, Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder John Kappas, Ph.D., explains how the mental scripts we program into our subconscious mind determine the outcome of our actions. Whether we imagine a positive or negative result, the SCM follows that subconscious mental script to actualize the goal you “want.” When we focus on enjoying the negative outcome another person is experiencing, we may also be reinforcing a subconscious desire for a similar negative event to happen to us. Conversely, when we send out positive, encouraging energy to celebrate another person’s success, we are also telling the subconscious mind, I want success, too! Whether that success includes getting into an elevator before the door closes or celebrating your partner’s triumphant art show, wishing another person well is more likely to attract good things to you than the temporary pleasure of schadenfreude ever could.

For more information about the Law of Attraction, I invite you to read my blog titled Intuition and the Law of Attraction and check out the book resources on this topic in Suggested Reading.

Special offer for Active/Retired First Responders and Military Personnel

 Special Offer: 25 percent discount off the first hypnotherapy session for all active/retired military personnel and first responders (police, fire-fighters, EMT/paramedics, ambulance personnel, emergency dispatchers, E.R. physicians/nurses).

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2019

Selective Listening

(This blog was originally posted on March 2, 2016) 

 

“Winning is habit. Unfortunately, so is losing.” – Vince Lombardi

Photo by Rick Hustead

Winning. Losing. Some people do a lot of one; others do a lot of the other. No matter what you do, the more you practice (repeat) a behavior, the more likely it is to become a habit. And as many of us know, it can be very difficult to change an unwanted behavior because, well, change is hard.

As I explained in a previous blog titled Traditions: It’s All in the Family, the subconscious part of the mind likes and wants to do what is familiar (known), because this sense of familiarity represents “safety” and comfort. Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder John Kappas, Ph.D. proposed that human behavior is based on the subconscious mental scripts that we create during early childhood. During this time the subconscious mind is accumulating and storing various message units that will ultimately comprise the subconscious life script. We will behave and even think in ways that are consistent with it even when the script does not facilitate achievement of our personal goals. Each message is ultimately categorized as a positive (pleasure) or negative (pain) experience, and anything that the subconscious mind does not recognize falls under the category of “pain.” Even if the conscious mind questions the behavior, its logic/reasoning/will-power/decision-making faculties will be no match for the unspoken acceptance of that action, in the subconscious mind

Fortunately, it is possible to change or get rid of an unwanted habit. This change starts in the conscious mind, where logic, reasoning, decision-making and reasoning faculties hold court. This is the area of the mind where we notice that this particular behavior isn’t working and is even making life more challenging for us. Noticing and deciding that you want to make this change is the first positive step to making it happen. However, the real change happens in the subconscious mind. This is the area of the mind where the subconscious mental script was originally written and continues to be carefully, lovingly nurtured to keep us comfortable. Or so we think.

Because each of us is most suggestible to ourselves, when we feel discouraged or sad or unhappy or are even hungry, we may be more likely to not only hear but also listen to those negative messages. The more down on ourselves we become, the more we subconsciously behave in ways that reinforce the feedback we give ourselves. For example, consider the individuals who are running for President right now. Pay attention to the language they are using in their campaign: “If I become President” versus “When I become President.” Have you noticed a trend whereby the individuals who say when seem to be doing better in the polls and in recent elections? Of course there are other issues at stake and to consider, but it is striking how many more candidates who seem less confident about being electable are not doing so well or have suspended their campaigns.

For example, a John Grisham novel called Gray Mountain features a protagonist who recently been furloughed from a well-paying, high-status job as a lawyer. It is 2008, right before the recession. As a condition of her unemployment, she can keep her health-care benefits and a chance to get her job back if she does the volunteer work at one of the small law firms her P.R. department has recommended. After she receives nine rejections in one day while applying for pro bono (unpaid) work, she decides (conscious decision) that she does not want to get a tenth one, so she makes a conscious effort to change her negative attitude about her situation. Yes, the prospective firm is tiny by comparison, located in a tiny town and she will have to practice the kind of law she hasn’t done since she was in law school. She tries to be more optimistic and enthusiastic about the opportunity to practice real law for “real” clients, as time passes she discovers that she really enjoys and values the work she is doing at this tiny law firm, compared to the corporate law that she has become used to. She is finally doing the work that she (her subconscious mind and subconscious mental script) believes is truly worthwhile and meaningful for clients who really need her. The more she believes her work is valuable and valued, the harder she works to do the right thing for her clients. And the harder she works for her clients, the more they appreciate her and what she is doing for them. (Well, most of them. This is a thriller, after all.) The important thing to remember in this instance is that the protagonist’s subconscious mental script identifies with those ideals she originally held when she decided to become a lawyer. The idea and ideal of actually helping people resonates with what she must do to fulfill the conditions of her furlough.

At the end of the day, each one of us behaves in way(s) that fulfill our subconscious goals. Whenever we make a conscious decision to change a behavior, the success of that decision is largely dependent upon our subconscious mind facilitating that change. Remember: the conscious messages you pay attention to the most that reinforce which subconscious messages and which mental script most resonates with you. The more you listen to and believe the negative messages, the more you reinforce those negative beliefs. Conversely, the more attention you pay to and believe the positive messages, the more you reinforce those beliefs. Ultimately, the subconscious mental script and the extent to which your subconscious mind accepts these goals determine whether your desired behavior change can and will occur. 

If you want to achieve a desired goal, pay attention to what messages you’re listening to!

Special offer for Active/Retired First Responders and Military Personnel

 Special Offer: 25 percent discount off the first hypnotherapy session for all active/retired military personnel and first responders (police, fire-fighters, EMT/paramedics, ambulance personnel, emergency dispatchers, E.R. physicians/nurses).

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2019