Punctuality, Last-Minute Cancellations and No-Shows

(This blog was originally posted on June 20, 2016)

Photo by Rick Hustead

A couple of months ago, the topic of punctuality and attendance came up at the business luncheon I attend each week. It was a relevant topic, because when an unexpected issue comes up at work or home it may be necessary to miss that week’s meeting. Perhaps it is an urgent problem at work that needs to be addressed or a child has to be taken to the doctor, etc. Or, a network partner has a long-planned vacation and will be away. Her car broke down. His dog got out. The hairdresser was late finishing the previous appointment before mine….

Tardiness and absences from a business-networking meeting can be inconvenient for various reasons, such as walking in late when a presentation is underway or having fewer members available to make referrals. As a certified hypnotherapist, I am very interested in and concerned about my clients’ reasons for being late or missing the appointment/last-minute cancellation because this reveals a lot about their motivations for and subconscious commitment and resistance to their therapy.

According to John Kappas, Ph.D., resistance to changing a behavior is the first stage of effecting this change. “We do things systematically to avoid change,” said the founder of the Hypnosis Motivation Institute. “Change is a threat to the unconscious mind.”

For example, being late to the first-ever hypnotherapy session with me to overcome procrastination and constant tardiness says a lot about that person’s subconscious mental script. Even though the client consciously wants to change this behavior, it is so familiar, comfortable and known that the subconscious mind is not going to change without a metaphoric “fight,” i.e., hypnosis. Or this person may mistakenly get on the wrong freeway and drive 30 miles the wrong way before realizing the mistake and making his way to my office an hour late (and having completely missed) the session. I typically call or text my clients the night before to remind them about the appointment; if someone is already 15 minutes late I will call to check in and make sure the individual is 1) okay/healthy and 2) still planning to come in. If so, once the client arrives at my office one of the first things I would explore is what the person thinks/believes the subconscious mind was trying to tell them. Slipping into a state of environmental hypnosis out of anxiety or nervousness about going in for the first-ever hypnotherapy session could be a given explanation. But another, equally strong subconscious motivation for being late is resistance to changing the behavior—even a behavior that the person has repeatedly insisted that he wants to change.

I understand resistance. I also know how to help individuals break down this subconscious resistance to replace an unwanted behavior with a wanted/more acceptable one in hypnotherapy. To change an unwanted behavior, however, it is as important to go for the cause of that behavior as it is for the person to be motivated to make the change. While this is principle does not exclusively apply for dealing with consistent tardiness, late-cancellations or “no-show” clients, their resistance to making a consciously desired change is very obvious.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2017

Family Roles

(This blog was originally posted on August 17, 2016)

Photo by Rick Hustead

In my blog titled Family Systems Issues, I explained various behavior patterns that facilitate the continued function of dysfunctional family system. Keep in mind that children are born helpless; they will literally die if a parent or guardian is not around and available to take care of them. Consequently, a child will do whatever it takes to survive. To do so, he or she (subconsciously) adopts behaviors that attract nurturing attention—even to the detriment of the youngster’s mental and psychological well-being. Today I will describe characteristics of the specific roles family members occupy in a dysfunctional family system.

The Hero: Someone in this role is a “parentified child” and usually the oldest sibling. The individual can become a workaholic and retreat into an ability to achieve or over-achieve. It seems like this person can never do enough or achieve enough and is usually a good student with a high need for approval. However, the person often experiences deep feelings of inadequacy, denial and fear. Heroes usually marry a dependent partner whom they can control and manipulate. Sometimes the person’s high need for approval can inspire the individual to take on tasks or perform jobs that inspire an employer to also depend on him or her.

The Lost Child: This person is never the trouble-maker; instead, he or she is “invisible” in the family. The individual survives by not being obvious in the family; the child avoids trouble, may be withdrawn and is often an emotional sexual personality. If the person is an only child, he or she may be a “parentified child” and the parent’s best friend. The Lost Child has trouble making friends and comes across as being very adult. 

Mascot: The person in this role is characterized as a “chameleon,” willing to turn into anything or anyone the family wants and needs at that time. The individual thrives on attention and love. He or she can keep other members’ secrets and is dependent on others. He or she is likely to marry a “hero” in the partner’s family system.

The Scapegoat: This is the “problem child,” whose acting out manifests the stress/anxiety/unhappiness of the family. The individual typically has problems with authority and defiance behaviors are manifestations of underlying anxiety. When the roles of artist, scholar or bad child are already occupied in the family, this person occupies this other niche with very little self-esteem. 

Any time there are behavioral issues with an individual in a family, the entire family is the client. In this case, the hypnotherapist should agree to work with the person only if the entire family also receives therapy from a licensed mental-health professional (Business and Professions Code 2908).

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2017

Thoughts of the Day

Photo by Sara Fogan

     Every now and then I like (and need) to take a few moments and remind myself about what is really important to me, in my life. If you follow me on my Calminsense Hypnotherapy Facebook page you may have seen some of these quotes before on this page, or will in the future. Many of these Quotes of the Day are beautiful examples and illustrations of the work I do as a hypnotherapist, so I will probably draw on them in future essays.

• “Don’t look for it outside. Joy is always in you, all you’ve got to do is awaken to it.” – Roxana Jones

• “I make the most of all that comes and the least of all that goes.” – Sara Teasdale

• “You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.” – Unknown

• “We have more possibilities available in each moment than we realize.” – Thich Nhat Hanh

• “It doesn’t matter where you are coming from. All that matters is where you are going.” – Brian Tracy

• “Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” – Confucius

• “Ships in harbor are safe, but that’s not what ships are built for.” – John Shedd

• “Choose to be happy and you will find plenty of reasons to be happy.” – Lolly Daskal

• “My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me.” – Henry Ford

• “Happiness will come to you when it comes from you.” – Anonymous

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2017