When Respect Equals Love, Part 2

 

                Over the centuries, humans have shared a very complicated relationship with horses. On the one hand, these animals have served us as beasts of burden, mechanisms of war and even sources of food. On the other, horses are revered as symbols of freedom, excitement and nobility. Some people make their living working with and on the back of a horse; others say that just having horses in their lives makes life that much better. Many equestrians consider their horse(s) to be their equine partners, but this metaphor works only when people understand that our horses first perceive us as the predator that sits on and directs their movement. Whenever we handle horses on the ground or on their back, it doesn’t matter how much we love them if they don’t respect us; but we need to respect them, too.

                I discussed the components of a successful relationship in my February 14, 2014 blog, “Keys to a Successful Relationship.” You will have noticed that “love” is not on that list, at all; but “respect” is. We can show our respect to someone in various ways, from listening without interruption to what the other person is saying, to deferring to the advice of someone who has more experience than we do. We show respect by celebrating the ways a person is similar and different to ourselves without trying to force that individual to change or adopt our beliefs or opinions when we disagree. We are suggestible to our partner’s beliefs, attitudes and behaviors; but that partner is also suggestible to us. So, what does all that mean when your partner weighs 1,000 pounds and can run 25 to 40 miles per hour? It should mean: a lot.

                Horses have survived through the millennia because they know how to adapt to their environment and make their circumstances work for them. They rely on their herd-mates to help defend from danger, especially, the horse in the leadership or “alpha” role. Horses know that a good alpha is one that not only protects the herd from outside threats but also treats each member with fairness. The alpha tells the rest of the herd where and when to go or stop. The other horses will follow this animal, but only so long as that lead horse continues to deserve their respect. They treat their human leader the same way.

                Following are some practical techniques to help you earn and reinforce a respectful relationship with your horse. Before you use or practice these suggestions, please consult with a professional horse trainer and/or your riding instructor to ensure that they will be effective and safe for you to do.

·         Protect your personal space. Clinton Anderson of Downunder Horsemanship® advises his students to imagine that they are standing in the middle of a hula hoop, and their horse cannot get any closer to them than the perimeter of that hoop. If the horse tries to move in on you, correct this intrusion right away by sending him or her further away again. Remember that when you are leading your horse, the safest position for you is beside your horse, with his head/nose at your shoulder. Horses cannot see what is directly in front or behind them, and you are at risk of being run over if your horse is following directly behind you.

·         Be in charge. Clinton Anderson warns, “Whoever moves his feet first, loses.” If your horse is dancing around on the cross-ties and you have to constantly adjust your position to avoid him stepping on you, he is in control. Practice groundwork exercises to keep your horse moving when and in the direction you want him or her to go. Work your horse on a lunge-line and make the animal practice up and down transitions through each of the gaits. The purpose of these exercises is to teach your horse that you are in control of where, when and how fast his feet are going to move.

·         Be consistent. Reward good behavior and correct misbehavior every time it happens. Rewards don’t have to be treats; they can be a pat on the neck or shoulder with copious verbal praise, releasing tension in the reins so the horse can drop its head and stretch, etc. A correction for misbehavior might be a verbal reprimand and making the training session last longer and/or more intensive. Repeat these actions every time your horse does what you ask to create an association in the animal’s mind that you say what you mean and mean what you say (physical suggestibility). The more times you consistently reinforce this association, the more your horse will trust you because it will know what kind of reaction to expect from you in response to his or her behavior.

·         Be fair. If your horse seems to be having a tough time understanding what you want and/or are asking him or her to do, do a quick mental check to make sure you are correctly asking for what you want. It is too easy to blame our horse when something goes wrong in our training, but the mistake is often “pilot” (rider) error. You may discover that your equine partner is actually doing exactly what you are asking for, but you are not asking what you wanted to know. If your horse is having trouble understanding or doing what you are asking, consider asking for that movement in a different way. Work on another technique that your horse already knows how to do and practice that to increase his or her confidence and then try the movement again. You will probably find that you and your horse will benefit from doing something else for a little while and the new work will make more sense to both of you.

·         Be generous. Horseman Chris Cox regularly gives his horses a few minutes to stand still and “soak in” or think about a lesson or instruction that they had just been working on. In so doing, the horse gets a short break from its work (a reward) and can associate the release in pressure from the reins and legs with doing a good job. When your horse has performed a movement well or you have had a good schooling session, reward him with praise, a walk break or even stopping the day’s training session a little earlier than you planned.

                I am not a riding instructor, and I encourage everyone to consult with a trainer or instructor to resolve riding and horse-related issues. For more information about my hypnotherapy work with equestrians, please contact me via my website at www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com.

 

 

 Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

When Respect Equals Love, Part 1

                If you ride and/or work with horses, you probably understand what I mean when I say that the relationship humans share with their equine partner(s) is one of the most intense experiences you may ever share with another being. We admire the power, beauty and freedom that horses represent; we want to ride the so we can know how it feels to fly without wings. We are infatuated with the myths and stories about those equine ambassadors that showed apparent loyalty to their humans, and we want to experience that kind of devotion in our lives. Unlike the dogs, cats and other small domesticated animals with whom we share our lives and homes, horses are large, powerful animals that could literally kill us at any time and without even meaning to.

                The irony of this relationship is that these big animals can seem and even be so vulnerable. Humans are predatory animals while horses are prey for many species. Feral or wild horses have no problem fending for themselves, but we tend to lavish the domesticated members of this species with food (and treats), shelter, veterinary and farrier care, and our unrequited love. Many people know what it is like to spend long hours nursing a horse back to health after it suffers a bout of colic or has a serious training injury. Is there anything as sweet as the relief we feel when we know that the animal will survive? We regard our horses as our four-legged kids. We address them with terms of endearment such as baby or sweetheart and speak in low, placating voices as if we are soothing a human child. But this kind of extreme treatment—coddling—can be lethal.

                In his Theory of Mind, John Kappas, Ph.D. described the development of the subconscious and conscious mind from the “primitive mind,” an area of the mind where the fight/flight response or survival instinct resides. Whenever you are in a trance state—whether you are deeply engrossed in a video game you are playing—or during a hypnotherapy session, you have actually “escaped” into hypnosis because the conscious mind is overwhelmed by outside stimuli. Hypnosis is your safe haven. Conversely, horses literally flee when they feel threatened. The most powerful thing that could stop this flight is the presence of a respected herd leader that commands the direction and speed with which the other animal(s) in the herd move. Since horses weigh ten times that of an average man, the safest thing in the human-equine partnership is for the person to be that leader. Unfortunately, this is an ideal and not necessarily a true hierarchy in many of these relationships.

                Your horse will not listen or respond to your vocal or body aids unless it respects you as the leader of your herd and trusts that you can and will provide security and protection from danger. This respect includes recognizing that you, like your equine, expects to have a safe perimeter of personal space in which the other horse(s) in the herd can intrude without an invitation, or else there will be consequences. If you watch a herd of horses interacting in a pasture, you will notice how one of the animals seems to control where each one of its herd-mates is grazing. If the lead horse wants to be in the spot occupied by another horse, he or she will move the other animal out of the way, starting with body language such as pinning its ears to physically pushing, biting or chasing the other horse away. More often than not, a subordinate horse knows that it needs to get out of the way when the other animal shows up to avoid a physical altercation. Every horse knows this drill from the time it is a foal, no matter what its rank in the herd. Furthermore, even in your herd of two, your horse will have no compunction about reminding you where you “belong” if he or she doesn’t respect you as that leader.

                Whether your horse invades your personal space, tries (or succeeds) to bite you, refuses to move off of your leg or vocal command, or other tries and to dominate you in any other way, it is clear that he or she does not respect you as a leader. Even the 900 to 1,300 pound “baby” that you love so much will run right over you to escape from any real or imagined threat if it doesn’t respect you and the space you are standing in or the sensation of your weight on its back. No matter how you spell the love you feel for your horse, this word is spelled r-e-s-p-e-c-t in your equine partner’s dictionary.

                By the way, your horse needs your respect, too—perhaps more than he or she wants or needs your love. I will describe some practical techniques to earn and reinforce a respectful relationship with your horse in the next blog.

 

 Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

 

Are You Afraid to Lose...Or Win?

 

                Have you refused to participate in an activity because you didn’t want to look bad or ruin your current performance record? Have you ever refused to participate in an activity in which you were likely to succeed? Both of these examples are potential causes of performance anxiety, and recognizing what triggers this anxiety is the first step to successfully managing and treating it.

                Fear of success is often more difficult for people to imagine feeling, because who doesn’t want to succeed and to be the best at something, right? But success comes with its own kinds of pressure and stress, including responsibility. Suddenly, it does not matter to that newly minted executive that he or she has years of training and experience to validate this promotion. It does not matter that the person has a proved track record of being able to execute profitable negotiations in the boardroom and is willing to make tough decisions about that will benefit the company. Once you get the big promotion that you have been working so hard to receive, you have to do more work and probably take on more roles than you previously had, to earn the new title and salary that you now earn. You will have to use the skills you have honed during your tenure in your previous role and put them to a real test in a leadership position. Like it or not, when you make a decision the buck will start and stop with you.

Or, imagine an honors student at high-school student who has received two letters of acceptance from two different universities. He or she may decide to accept a place in the state university because he or she feels intimidated by the anticipated course demands and his or her family’s expectations about what it means to be a student at Harvard. It doesn’t matter that you have earned academic letters or were the captain of your sport or debate team. It doesn’t matter how many awards you have received for community service or other extracurricular activity. Once you leave the security of high school (and childhood) where you were the top-ranked student of your class, you will be starting over in a new environment that is populated by hundreds of young adults just like you. You may well become the head of your class and set a new standard of academic achievement, or not. Whatever you do academically, high-school graduation and attending college are a rite of passage from childhood to adulthood.

                The physical manifestations of performance anxiety take many forms, including trembling or shaking, feeling nauseated or “blanking out” (forgetting) the lines or music you are going to perform or the information you are supposed to present. Hypnotherapy and therapeutic guided-imagery techniques can help you to manage these symptoms and overcome this anxiety so you can do the performance or presentation.

·         Systematic desensitization to the stimuli that trigger the anxiety/fear response.

·         Creating hypnotic scripts that reinforce the client’s recent achievements to boost his or her self-confidence about ability to achieve the stated goal.

·         Use guided-imagery techniques to help the client re-experience those previous successes and further reinforce his or her self-confidence about being able to achieve a new goal.

·         Teach the client how to practice diaphragmatic breathing and to activate an “anchor” to help relieve symptoms of anxiety.

·         Educate the client about the relationship between nutrition and anxiety; specifically, the correlation between drops and spikes in blood-sugar level and feeling anxious or afraid.

·         Instruct the client about using the Emotional Freedom Technique (tapping) to reduce anxiety and replace negative responses with positive/desired responses to achieve a goal.

Performance anxiety affects most people at some time in their lives. As John Kappas, Ph.D. explains in his book Success Is Not an Accident, every person has the ability to achieve success. You do not have to be afraid to fail or to succeed to achieve your goals. Now is the perfect time for you to turn your dreams into reality.

 

 

 Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

 

The Family That Plays Together

 

                The Brady Bunch. The Partridge Family. Eight Is Enough. The Ingalls family of Little House on the Prairie and the Walton family of The Waltons. The Corleones of The Godfather. The Ewings of Dallas and the Cartwrights of Bonanza. These are just a few iconic examples of television families that I grew up with. More recently, there are the five ruling clans in George R.R. Martin’s Game of Thrones series, and the extended Grantham family of Downton Abbey. While no one in my family was (or is) really like any of the characters in these fictional families, we all share the respect, loyalty, love and rivalry that characterize a familial bond. These fictitious families taught each other important lessons about how to enjoy the benefits of and negotiate the specific challenges that existed in their world. They learned how it feels to “belong” in a group and to feel protected by people who would sacrifice everything and anything to keep them safe.

                This is not to say that families or specific members in a family are always easy to deal with or that the conflicts which can flare up between them are always simple or comfortable to resolve. Some family feuds go on so long that the members who were involved in the original quarrel have died or simply don’t know or remember why they are fighting, only that they are fighting. However, have you ever noticed what happens if someone outside of the family unit threatens the family or one of its members? The family closes ranks and creates a virtual wagon circle around the individual who is under attack: “It’s one thing for me to say or do something to hurt someone in my family, but don’t you even try it!”

                A sweet dessert and a glass of milk are a common panacea for most causes of hurt and disappointment that occurs in television families. However, patience, compassion/empathy and willingness to compromise are keys to achieving true conflict resolution in real-life families. It can be (and often is) hard work to try to understand why someone you love and who is supposed to love you could have done or said that incredibly hurtful thing. It is even more challenging, but equally necessary, to also take a hard look at how you may have contributed to the fight by something you said or did, whether these actions were intentional or not. It is challenging to offer an apology and admit when you are wrong, but it can also be challenging to graciously accept an apology from someone who hurt you and then work together to move past that painful event.

                Whatever your “family” looks like, this relationship—or lack thereof—is one of the most important ones that you will probably experience during your lifetime. Even if you do not share genetic material (the “nature” component) with anyone in it, you will have scores of memories of shared experiences with the person(s) who raised you (the “nurture” component). Whoever was your primary caretaker helped to establish your suggestibility (how you learn); you would have likely modeled your personality after the person who was a secondary caretaker for you growing up. You can (and probably have) compared notes about your upbringing with your siblings to make sure that everyone got the same treatment. You might be surprised at the similarities between how your parents raised their children, how your aunts and uncles raised your cousins, and even how your grandparents raised your parents. Even if longtime friends and even a spouse or lover drift out of your life, the bonds you share with one or both parents, a sibling (or several) and more distant relatives tend to be more permanent. Like it or not, family is (usually) here to stay.

 

 

 Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

 

How Hypnotherapy Is Like Muscle Memory

 

                People use the term “muscle memory” a lot in the context of sports and athletic participation. But what is it all about, exactly? Wikipedia.com describes this phenomenon as a product of motor or procedural learning in which specific muscles or muscle groups learn and remember how to do a particular movement after repeating that motion many times over a period of time. It is even possible to improve how you execute this motion as it becomes more automatic in your behavioral repertoire of sports or other movements, such as dancing or playing the guitar.

                While I do not discount the existence of muscle memory, I would contend that it is born not just in a specific part of the body that you use for the desired behavior (e.g., body, arms or legs). Rather, I would argue that muscle memory starts where every other memory begins: in the mind—specifically, in the subconscious mind. The SCM triggers every action we make by sending an electrical impulse through the nervous system to activate the muscle(s) we need to carry out the intended or even unintended or undesired behavior. According to Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder John Kappas, Ph.D.’s Theory of Mind, our only natural or innate responses are the reaction to a fear of falling and the reaction to a fear of loud noises. As the subconscious mind takes in more and more new information, we learn new behaviors and develop personal beliefs. Eventually, we don’t even don’t even think about what we need to do to achieve a desired result, we just do it. Most of us have not thought about what our body must do in order to just walk since we took our first steps as a toddler. Who hasn’t heard the expression, “Once you ride a bike, you never forget how”?

                In fact, I use the idea and theory behind muscle memory in almost all of the hypnotic suggestions I craft for my clients. I create suggestions to reinforce the person’s motivations to change the undesired habit or adopt a desired behavior; then, I reinforce this motivation with guided imagery in which the individual is achieving the desired goal. The subconscious mind does not know the difference between you swinging a golf club on the links versus imagining or pretending that you just made the perfect swing an achieved a hole-in-one while you are in hypnosis. Furthermore, the more times you repeat these desired behaviors in hypnosis or in a guided-imagery exercise, the more opportunities you have to lock those actions into your subconscious mind and in your muscle memory. It just takes repetition of the desired behavior—so I guide my clients through these exercises over and over to reinforce the behavior change during the hypnotherapy session and send them home with a track from the session to further reinforce this work. Hypnosis and guided-imagery techniques enable you to replace unwanted behaviors and adopt the ones you want using a process of repetition and memory similar to the way the muscles in your body learned and remember how to walk.

 

 Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

 

Trust

 

                “Never trust a person who doesn’t like chocolate.” Joan R. Neubauer’s statement was the featured quote-of-the day for today on my desktop calendar. At first glance, I completely agreed with her sentiment. Not only is chocolate one of my favorite foods and flavors; just about everyone in my family and many of my friends are self-professed “chocoholics.” However, I certainly know, work with and trust people who are not that fond of chocolate. One of my dear friends is even allergic to it; since chocolate makes her physically sick I imagine she doesn’t like to eat it or anything about it, but I trust and adore her. So, there is one generalization shot down.

                Trust is a very personal emotion and experience. We tend to trust people we like and with whom we share common interests and values. We evaluate and make judgments about people and situations based on the subjective and/or empirical evidence from those past experiences, or knowns. For example, if you have a negative experience with someone outside of your regular social group, you might automatically attribute this unpleasant experience to the fact that he or she does not like chocolate (or any other factor). But is this generalization truly accurate or fair? Maybe the true reason you didn’t get along with this person has nothing to do with a preferred flavor but that you do not share other values with him or her—or vice versa. Maybe, just maybe, the other person didn’t trust you because you didn’t share one of his or her core values, and that value had nothing to do with a sweet treat.

                Like friendship, trust—being trustworthy and trusting—is a two-way street. We learn through the repetition of that behavior (trusting) and associating the outcome of that trust (feeling physically and/or emotionally safe) whether the person or situation is actually trustworthy. When we can and do trust the people with whom we share important values, they are likely to deserve and reciprocate that trust. The caveat of this relationship is that repeated exposure to a situation also creates a known and reliable association (pleasure) between a behavior and a situation or outcome which is not necessarily comfortable or pleasurable. For example, we often hear about or even know individuals who continue to return to an emotionally or physically abusive relationship. Even when we can’t trust a person to behave in a nurturing way toward us, we may still derive some degree of security from the fact that we can trust the inconsistency of that relationship. Maybe what we most want and need is to be able to trust the consistency of someone’s behavior or the likely outcome of a situation.

                It’s something to think about.

 

 Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

 

Overcoming Fear of Flying with Hypnosis, Part 2

Photo courtesy of Fotolia

f you are afraid of flying, hypnotherapy and therapeutic guided imagery
can alleviate your anxiety and make your journey more comfortable.

 

 

 

                If you are afraid of flying, hypnosis and guided imagery can alleviate this anxiety and help to make your journey more comfortable. In this blog, I will describe how I use hypnosis and therapeutic guided-imagery concepts to help desensitize my clients to any negative associations they may have with and fear of flying.

                The first thing I do is confirm that the client has a fear and not a phobia of the stimulus (flying). According to Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder John Kappas, Ph.D., a fear is distinguished from a phobia if it has a specific cause or origin. For example, if the plane you were last on went through a thunderstorm and you experienced a lot of turbulence and sudden drop in altitude or a loved one dying in a crash, you might develop a fear of flying. Conversely, a phobia is a generalized anxiety response that is associated with low blood-sugar levels and no specific event triggered the reaction.

                Once I make this determination, I will teach the person some basic relaxation techniques, such as diaphragmatic breathing and special-place imagery. When the client is in hypnosis and is in a deep state of relaxation, I will help him or her to create a finger-press anchor to “lock in” that sensation of calm and comfort, which the person can employ if and when he or she feels anxious or afraid. I also guide the person through a series of imagery exercises to desensitize him or her to anticipatory anxiety about flying and to the specific stimulus or stimuli that trigger the fear or anxiety response (e.g., words such as terminal, last call and final destination). I also have the person “rehearse” preparing for and taking the scheduled flight: making travel arrangements, packing for the flight, waking up the day of the trip, eating a nutritious meal, leaving for the airport and boarding the plane. During this exercise, the client gets to visualize, imagine picture or pretend that he or she hears and sees the doors close on the aircraft and feel the plane take off, fly for the estimated duration of the journey and land at the destination. I will then guide the client through a similar exercise to prepare for the trip home.

                I incorporate the client’s words/expressions in the hypnotic script to emphasize and reinforce his or her reasons/motivations to overcome the fear (or phobia) about flying. I use guided imagery to help the client replace negative associations between the sensation of flying, with that of the deep relaxation and sense of calm and comfort experienced during hypnosis. In this and future hypnotherapy sessions, I will continue to desensitize the person to triggers of this fear of flying and reinforce the new association between feeling confident, relaxed and in control while traveling in an airplane. Once the client has returned to an alert state I will provide some practical tips to further reduce anxiety while traveling and provide a recording of the hypnosis/visualization portion of the session to further reinforce this relaxed state.

Practical tips to make your flight more comfortable:

·         Drink water and eat a nutritious meal that contains protein to keep your mood even and anxiety low.

·         Do not drink alcohol or caffeinated beverages before or during the flight, which can affect suggestibility and may increase your anxiety.

·         Get plenty of sleep the night before you travel.

·         Listen to the reinforcement track before bed the night before your flight and on a personal stereo during the flight.

·         Practice diaphragmatic breathing and activate the finger-press anchor whenever you need to reduce stress or anxiety before or during the flight.

 

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014