And the Wisdom to Know the Difference

(This blog was originally posted on April 4, 2014)

Photo by Rick Hustead

Sometimes, it seems like one of the most powerful human desires is the one for control. We want to control some aspect(s) of our social or physical environment. We want to control our behavior. (Hey, that’s what hypnotherapy is good for, right?) Or, we want to control (change) someone else’s behavior. Can hypnotherapy help you achieve each of these goals? 

My scope of expertise as a hypnotherapist is to help my clients achieve vocational and avocational self-improvement goals. There is really no way to control or change specific aspects of a physical environment—such as the weather or climate where we live—unless we physically move out of the area. Most of us can’t even rearrange the furniture or décor in the lobby at work without having to get permission from the employer and/or the building’s landlord. Similarly, none of us has the ability to control someone else’s behaviors or beliefs if that individual doesn’t want to make this change. However, we can use hypnotherapy and guided imagery techniques to help us replace our own unwanted habits or belief systems with behaviors that are more effective for us. The skills you practice and learn in hypnosis can also help you adapt to, cope with and even flourish in a challenging personal, social or work situation over which you have no control. Your ability to remain relaxed, focused and calm in this context will significantly reduce or even eliminate any personal effects that the tension in this situation may cause you. You may even find that this ability to control your emotions in this way indirectly influences (changes) the way other people around you behave. 

Before the next scheduled interaction with the person or exposure to that environment, work with me in hypnotherapy to help you desensitize to the negative stimuli associated with that encounter. Give yourself permission to let go of any grudges, bitterness or other negative associations you have with this situation. Give the other person(s) permission to own their critical, negative, etc., nature or beliefs that they have previously expressed to you. Then, visualize, imagine, picture or pretend that you are as relaxed, calm and focused when you have that encounter as you are while you are in hypnosis. Anchor that image of yourself responding in a positive, confident and controlled way with the relaxed and comfortable sensation you are enjoying in hypnosis so you can access your new calm and “in control” demeanor when you need to. Even if the other person’s behavior or attitude does not significantly change at that time, you will be better equipped to deal with that challenge.

I liken this attitude and technique to the Serenity Prayer. Most of the time, each of us can change our behavior and, in so doing, truly change a negative or challenging situation into a positive or mutually rewarding experience. Sometimes, we can do absolutely nothing about the circumstance except to just get through it by changing the way we perceive and respond to it. The key to a successful outcome in either circumstance is having the wisdom to know what kind of attitude adjustment we can make at that moment. 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2017

Blocks and Opportunities

(This blog was originally posted on March 10, 2015)

Image courtesy of Microsoft/Bing

I recently came across the following quote from One Fit Widow, which a friend had pasted onto my Facebook page: “If it doesn’t open, it’s not your door.” How many times have experienced this philosophy? I wondered.

How many times have you experienced it?

One of my favorite lines in The Sound of Music is when Maria (Julie Andrews) says, “Wherever the Lord shuts a door somewhere He opens a window.” A more recent example comes from Katy Perry’s hit song, Firework: “Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed so you could open one that leads you to the perfect road.” Both are examples of such an optimistic, encouraging and hopeful philosophy that everything will work out in the end. I completely believe that it is true; however, there are often times in our lives when we have reason to seriously doubt that our desired outcome can or will ever be achieved. What do we do, then?

When I was applying to different universities to pursue my post-graduate degree, my academic advisor told me something very important: “If one of these colleges rejects your application, it might be because they are not a good fit for you.” I invite you to think about that concept for a moment. Her words echo the common break-up platitude, “It’s not you; it’s me.” But, why shouldn’t that be true? Over the years this insight has proved to be very sage counsel in various situations.

Whether we’re trying to land that dream job, be accepted to our first-choice college or join that super-cool group of kids at school, sometimes there isn’t a comfortable fit between all parties. Furthermore, no matter how hard we work to try and fit in with a certain group or organization, there may still be friction, frustration and disappointment. Too often, our first reaction/thought when something goes wrong in or with our conscious mind’s Great Plan is to blame ourselves for the perceived failure to achieve that very-important goal. We ask ourselves over and over again, “What did I do wrong? Why doesn’t he/she like me? What else can I do to fit in?” The situation quickly embodies that proverbial attempt to fit a square peg into a round hole.

The key to finding the perfect fit is to reframe the question—“Which one of those doors is mine to walk through?”—and be able to recognize it when that opportunity presents itself to you. Hypnotherapy and therapeutic-guided imagery are great tools to help you let go of goals or situations that haven’t worked for you while becoming open to the right opportunities for you that are coming your way. During your sessions, I will teach you simple breathing and relaxation exercises that you can use to reduce stress and create a personalized hypnotic script to reinforce specific suggestions for creating opportunities to achieve your goal that are perfect for you. I will also provide a recording of your hypnosis session that you can listen to and reinforce the relaxation techniques and goal-actualization strategies that we worked on during your hypnotherapy session.

And as for being able to recognize the “right” door for you… Don’t worry: You will. Because when that relationship does work—when your first-choice (or even second- or third-choice) college sends you that long-awaited acceptance letter and enrollment packet, or you are offered that “dream job”—you will notice how easily everything falls into place. Suddenly all of the details surrounding your situation look and feels indescribably right from every angle. You find that your path forward is easy and opening up more opportunities to you. The best part of this journey is noticing how you can now look back at those days, weeks or even years of waiting for that golden opportunity with affection. You may even find that you appreciate the work, patience and frustration you experienced during that time of waiting and supposed “missed opportunities” because these are what enabled that proverbial window or door to open for you.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2017

Accept the Apology You Never Received

(This blog was originally posted on June 2, 2016)

 “Don’t let yourself go/’Cause everybody cries/And everybody 

hurts sometimes.” – R.E.M.

Photo by Rick Hustead

During the course of a lifetime, it is unlikely that many of us will never be hurt—emotionally if not physically—by someone we care about. Whether it’s a verbal slight, cruel teasing, bullying, or a physical or sexual assault, emotional and even physical pain can be caused. To add insult to the injury, the person who hurt you may never offer a genuine apology for or show remorse about this behavior. But that doesn’t mean you can’t act “as if” one has been offered so we can get on with our lives. Following are some techniques I teach my hypnotherapy clients that can facilitate this process.

• Write a letter to the person who hurt you. Explain or describe how that individual’s actions/behavior made you feel. Even if you never send this letter to the person, the process of writing this letter enables you to vent/release unexpressed emotions. Be sure to include information about how strong/loving/confident, etc. you still are and always will be, regardless of this incident or exchange.

• Write a letter from the person who hurt you. In this letter, write the things you want to know about what happened. Why did the person say or do that hurtful thing? Remember, this is an explanation, not an excuse. What could the person say to help you believe this apology is genuine? Even if you are/do not feel ready to forgive this action—and you certainly don’t have to be—use the words, phrases, expressions that you wish this person would say to you to express his or her contrition. Be sure to write this letter at night before you go to bed, so the subconscious mind can more easily accept and integrate this information. You know what you need to hear, so go ahead and say/write what will make you feel better. The subconscious mind doesn’t know the difference between an actual or imaginary apology, and will accept this information as real.

• Imagery and Hypnosis. After these letters are written, the positive/self-affirming messages in the text can be incorporated into a hypnotic script to help you let go of the negative situation. One of my favorite imagery journeys for this kind of situation has the client imagine that he or she is climbing a mountain. Eventually and gradually, the person drops or removes any heavy burdens (i.e., this pain or hurt) the individual doesn’t want to carry around anymore and enjoy the freedom of being finally free of this emotional burden.

• Systematic Desensitization. While you are in hypnosis, I desensitize you to the various aspects/triggers of the pain and disappointment you may still be carrying around. I will also teach you diaphragmatic breathing and help you create an emotional anchor so you can return to this extremely relaxed state whenever needed.

For more information about the concept of letting go of previous (emotional) burdens, I invite to read my blog titled, Why Are You Still Carrying It?

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2017