Accept the Apology You Never Received

“Don’t let yourself go/’Cause everybody cries/And everybody hurts sometimes.” – R.E.M.

 

Photo by Rick Hustead

During the course of a lifetime, it is unlikely that many of us will never be hurt—emotionally if not physically—by someone we care about. Whether it’s a verbal slight, cruel teasing, bullying, or a physical or sexual assault, emotional and even physical pain can be caused. To add insult to the injury, the person who hurt you may never offer a genuine apology for or show remorse about this behavior. But that doesn’t mean you can’t act “as if” one has been offered so we can get on with our lives. Following are some techniques I teach my hypnotherapy clients that can facilitate this process.

•                      Write a letter to the person who hurt you. Explain or describe how that individual’s actions/behavior made you feel. Even if you never send this letter to the person, the process of writing this letter enables you to vent/release unexpressed emotions. Be sure to include information about how strong/loving/confident, etc. you still are and always will be, regardless of this incident or exchange.

•                      Write a letter from the person who hurt you. In this letter, write the things you want to know about what happened. Why did the person say or do that hurtful thing? Remember, this is an explanation, not an excuse. What could the person say to help you believe this apology is genuine? Even if you are/do not feel ready to forgive this action—and you certainly don’t have to be—use the words, phrases, expressions that you wish this person would say to you to express his or her contrition. Be sure to write this letter at night before you go to bed, so the subconscious mind can more easily accept and integrate this information. You know what you need to hear, so go ahead and say/write what will make you feel better. The subconscious mind doesn’t know the difference between an actual or imaginary apology, and will accept this information as real.

•                      Imagery and Hypnosis. After these letters are written, the positive/self-affirming messages in the text can be incorporated into a hypnotic script to help you let go of the negative situation. One of my favorite imagery journeys for this kind of situation has the client imagine that he or she is climbing a mountain. Eventually and gradually, the person drops or removes any heavy burdens (i.e., this pain or hurt) the individual doesn’t want to carry around anymore and enjoy the freedom of being finally free of this emotional burden.

•                      Systematic Desensitization. While you are in hypnosis, I desensitize you to the various aspects/triggers of the pain and disappointment you may still be carrying around. I will also teach you diaphragmatic breathing and help you create an emotional anchor so you can return to this extremely relaxed state whenever needed.

For more information about the concept of letting go of previous (emotional) burdens, I invite to read my blog titled, Why Are You Still Carrying It?

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2016

Crisis Intervention

Photo by Rick Hustead

In yesterday’s blog, I described the Cycle of Violence and some of the behaviors that characterize this phenomenon. As a certified hypnotherapist, I focus my practice on individuals who are striving to achieve vocational and avocational self-improvement goals (i.e., weight loss, smoking cessation, increase self-confidence, improve sports performance, etc.). Every so often a client comes in who has just experienced a traumatic event in his or her life or has even become a victim of violence. Today, I will explain how I work with a client who is caught in this or another kind of crisis.

First, a disclaimer: I do not see a new, first-time client who is in a crisis state because the person’s therapeutic issue may be out of my scope of professional expertise. If someone contacts me for hypnotherapy to deal with a previous or is already in a trauma state, he or she probably needs to work with a licensed medical or mental-health professional from the get-go. However, when I already have a relationship with the client as the person’s trusted hypnotherapist, it is logical that I see the individual right away to assess the situation. I am prepared to and will refer the individual for additional support described above, if necessary. In the meantime, I am certified to use hypnosis to help a person work through a crisis and handle an emergency.

First, “crisis” is described as a life-event in which a person’s normal ability to cope with what has happened is diminished or completely absent. When an individual is in crisis, the person enters a state of overload (natural hypnosis). My first task is to de-hypnotize the client so the person can start using his or her good judgment and return to a state of emotional homeostasis to deal with the conflict. I do this by using:

·         Reflective listening: This client needs to be heard, so I let the person tell the story about what happened/caused so much distress. In addition to showing that someone is listening, talking about the incident helps to calm the person down.

·         Ask constructive questions: I want the client to activate the constructive-thinking areas of the mind, so I encourage the person to tell me, “What do you think you need to do next?” During a crisis, people tend to feel immobilized or stuck because every area of their life seems to be bunched together. When the person is encouraged to focus on each component of the problem by chunking it down this way, it becomes easier to tackle one issue at a time. This strategy for also helps to increase the person’s self-confidence and self-esteem by knowing that he or she does possess the good-judgment and skills to resolve a problem, alone.

·         Imagery and Visualization: Another effective problem-solving technique is to have the client imagine/visualize strategies that someone else could use or do in that situation: “What would you tell me to do if I were you?” Once again, the goal is to restore the client’s good judgment and good-reasoning skills. To do so, I encourage the person to fantasize or do hypno-drama to engage a light-trance state and imagine a different outcome of this crisis. I (the hypnotherapist) do not offer any advice; it is up to the client to consider, discover and make independent decisions about how to change the situation.

·         Subconscious Resources: If a client is in crisis, I have the person focus on a different, occasion in which the individual successfully used strategies/abilities/attitudes to successfully get through that difficulty. When the client is in hypnosis, I use this list of these skills/positive attributes to create repertoire of coping skills the individual can successfully use to deal with the current crisis.

·         Options. The most important thing is for this client to realize, know and understand that he or she has options for how to get out of the crisis or traumatic situation. Perhaps that means seeking protection at a refuge/crisis center, becoming more assertive, leaving an abusive relationship, etc. Whatever decision the person chooses is the right one, and he or she has what it takes to change the negative situation to a positive one.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2016

The Cycle of Violence

Photo by Rick Hustead

Hypnotherapy is an extremely effective tool to help manage anger and frustration. However, dealing with domestic violence is another situation entirely. This abuse can be physical, sexual or emotional violence; bleeding and other indications of physical battery do not have to be evident for the negative behavior to be classified as abuse. Furthermore, it can be directed against spouses (wives and husbands), the elderly, children, etc. Examples of such violence include spousal abuse, child abuse, incest and rape.

The underlying “cause” or subconscious motivation of the abuse is for the abuser to gain or feel power over and control the victim. For example, the person may threaten or actually withhold access to money/finances, intimidate with coercion or threats, humiliate or “guilt” the victim, isolate from friends or other family members, minimize the effects of the abuse/deny it happened, prevent access to kids/deny visitation, use “male privilege,” etc. Whether the duration of this cycle is long (e.g., lasts weeks or months) or short (e.g., lasts hours or days), it usually escalates and can have deadly consequences for the victim. Following is an outline of the typical pattern or cycle that violence is expressed.

Phase 1: Building Tension

Stress

Frustration

Low Self-esteem

Poor Communication

Phase 2: Explosion/Losing Control

Fight

Anger

Fear

Phase 3: Honeymoon/Loving & Remorse Stage

Guilt

Remorse

Promises: “I’ll never do it again!”

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2016