The Art of Perfecting a Behavior

(This blog was originally posted on February 11, 2014)

 

                Everybody has a different idea of perfection. There is perfect weather. A perfect test score. And then there is the perfect boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse. The list goes on, ad infinitum—as do our expectations of what constitutes perfection and our desire to possess it. What if I were to tell you that you are already perfect, just the way you are?

                It is true. Your subconscious mind is literally programmed to try to do everything you ask or want it to do—including those behaviors and beliefs that no longer work for you and want to change or get rid of. The longer you have done or been practicing that behavior, the more deeply you ingrain it in your mind. Eventually, it becomes a default, a comfort zone, a known. Every time you repeat that behavior or habit, you send another positive message to your subconscious that reinforces your comfortable association with what you are doing. In his Theory of Mind, John Kappas, Ph.D., refers to the subconscious mind categorizing certain events or stimuli as “pleasure.” In this context, pleasure is something the person identifies as familiar or known, but not necessarily “pleasurable.” In other words, you are equally likely to continue to behave in a particular way even if it is uncomfortable, because that behavior is what you know and where your subconscious mind tells you that you are safe.

                For example, a chronic smoker has smoked two packs of cigarettes each day since she was 14. Her parents smoked for as long as she can remember, and her mother actually gave her that first-ever cigarette. Even though she is battling emphysema, she continues to smoke partly because, subconsciously, the smells of a just-lit cigarette or the sulfur from an extinguished match take her back to memories of that rare moment of mother-daughter bonding. Or, a recent Lottery winner blows through his entire jackpot in a matter of months: having struggled financially throughout his adult life, he had no experience (knowns) of how to enjoy this windfall in a responsible way. And then there is that individual who continues to embark on a series of disastrous romances in which the love interest already has a partner, or is physically/emotionally abusive or emotionally unavailable. Even though he or she can recognize the repeating pattern, the person seems incapable of leaving, let alone avoiding, that situation again and again.

                When I work with you to change or replace unwanted behaviors through hypnotherapy, one of the first things I do is explain Dr. Kappas’ Theory of Mind in relation to how it is applicable to your current beliefs and behaviors. I explain how your “knowns” were created in your subconscious mind, and how the SCM reinforces them each time you repeat that behavior. Finally, I will reassure you that since you are so good (perfect) at reinforcing this undesired, original habit, you are perfectly equipped to learn and practice the new, desired behavior. With the exception of your reactions to the fear of falling and the fear of loud noises—which every person is born with—you have had to learn every one of your beliefs and behaviors. If you want to change or get rid of one of them, it is in your power to do just that.

 

 

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

 

 

 

The Day the World Changed

Photo courtesy of Microsoft

                September 11, 2001.

                I remember where I was and exactly what I was doing when I first heard that a commercial airliner had crashed into the North Tower of the World Trade Center. Less than 20 minutes later, a second jetliner hit the South Tower. By the time a third jet barreled into the Pentagon and a fourth went down in a remote field in Pennsylvania, it was obvious that the United States was under attack and the world as we knew it would never be the same.

                Gone are the days when we may walk our grandparents down the jet way and escort them right to the door of an airplane to wave goodbye when they go home after Thanksgiving. (We can’t even walk through airport security with our shoes still on.) Gone are the days when the only things we had to worry about when we traveled were weather delays or mechanical problems on the jet, coach or train we are traveling on. Oh, no: that is our old (now largely untenable) subconscious mental script. In the past 13 years, the bigger concern and occasional reality is whether the person seated beside us is carrying a concealed weapon such as a bomb or blade. Thirty years ago, hostages on a hijacked plane or ship could usually rely on eventually being released to survive their ordeal when the bad guy(s) were caught or left their human collateral behind in their escape. Since September 11, 2001 most people seem to know—believe?—that we may not escape such an attack with our lives.

                Now, let’s turn that mind-set around. As a species, humans are very good at surviving, enduring and adapting to the physical and social environment in which we live. While I lived in England during the 1990s, everyone knew better than to ever leave bags, packages or luggage unattended anywhere, or else the police confiscate and destroy (blow up) the bag in case it was a bomb. Precaution, observation and adherence to the new security motto if you see something, say something have become our new subconscious known in the United States, too. We do not take our freedom or security so much for granted anymore, simply because we can’t afford to do so. Our metaphoric antennae are ever on alert, ready to raise the alarm if something doesn’t look, sound or seem right. By the time the passengers and crew aboard United Airlines Flight 93 realized their flight was doomed, they likely knew from phone calls to loved ones that they were heading toward a similar fate as what had already happened in New York City and Washington. Armed with the knowledge that they would not survive the hijacking no matter where the flight ended, they reportedly confronted and fought back against the terrorists. Their heroic actions not only saved thousands more lives by crashing the plane into a Pennsylvania field instead of the Capitol building but also created a new subconscious known for the rest of us: it is okay to fight back. Indeed, since we know and acutely remember that what happened thirteen years ago could happen again, we are more ready to jump right into the fray and prevent a fellow traveler from igniting explosives in his shoes or underwear. Even though we may grumble about the inconvenience, we submit to the extra interview, x-ray and pat-down at the security gates before boarding a plane or even entering a landmark building.

For me, our ability to endure even after those terrorist attacks proved that the capacity of our subconscious mind is a major key to humanity’s ability to survive extreme tragedy and bear almost unbearable loss. If not for the SCM’s ability to translate, store and retrieve those danger message units from the environment and anchor that perception to a fight/flight response, countless more people would likely have perished on and since September 11, 2001.

My thoughts and prayers are with the victims, their families and friends, and the first-responders who sacrificed and lost so much, thirteen years ago today.

 

 

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

 

Compulsive Behavior and Hypnotherapy

Photo courtesy of Microsoft

 

                Compulsive behavior can affect hypnotherapy by increasing the client’s resistance to modifying behaviors or habits that enable him or her to repress “unacceptable” feelings that may produce a secondary gain. Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder John Kappas, Ph.D. observed that obsessive-compulsive behavior can even impede therapy because the client may not be able to evaluate or accept the need to change the compulsive behavior that is helping to achieve specific goals. Furthermore, the person may also wonder how he or she will be able to resist the urge to repeat the compulsive behavior outside of the therapist’s office.

                Treating someone with an obsessive-compulsive issue is often a long-term process. While the client is completely dominated by thoughts about the presenting issue (e.g., fear of being alone), he or she may also have a strong abreaction (resistance) to any suggestions about changing the compulsive behavior (e.g., repetitive hand-washing). Therefore, it is important for the client to perceive that he or she will direct the progress of the therapy before the individual goes into hypnosis. “Tell the client what the problem is, where it came from [and] what you (the hypnotherapist) plan to do, and give the person options for treatment,” Dr. Kappas recommended.

                As the individual begins to change behavior, he or she must face unknowns in accepting the hypnotherapist’s suggestions for modifying those behaviors or belief systems that are no longer working. Furthermore, the possibility that the compulsive behavior garners a secondary gain, such as being identified as/receiving attention for someone who possesses a particular trait. Such identification may increase the client’s subconscious desire to resist letting go of the compulsive behavior, the hypnotherapist warned.

                Most important to facilitating a successful therapeutic process is for the hypnotherapist to accept the client and to provide unconditional positive regard for him or her, regardless of the presenting issue. Meanwhile, the hypnotherapist should gently direct the client toward recognizing which behaviors no longer work for or in that person’s life, and replace these with beliefs and actions that do.

                “If you don’t do anything in moderation, you won’t take pain in moderation, either,” Dr. Kappas said. “You’ll develop a mechanism of feeling how you want to feel, now. You don’t have to hold onto that pain.”

 

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

 

Theory of Mind and The Hundred-Foot Journey

(Spoiler alert: This blog contains information about some key plot scenes. Please do not read it if you have not yet seen—but intend to watch this film!)

  

                This afternoon, I was treated to two hours of culinary Nirvana on the silver screen.

                The Hundred-Foot Journey captivated me from the first frame, when a little boy follows his mother through a crowded market to select food for their family’s meal. Of course, that little boy grows up to become the chef and a main character in the movie. What he learns about gourmet cooking and life turns out to be good lessons for the audience, too.

                In addition to admiring the scrumptious feasts that the rival restaurants present for their customers, I also had an opportunity to observe how neighbors from two seemingly disparate cultures opened their minds and their hearts to each other. This movie is an elegant illustration of how John Kappas, Ph.D.’s Theory of Mind can transcend cultural differences by initially hindering and ultimately facilitate people’s relationships and acceptance of those different cultures.

According to the Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder, human behavior is based on the subconscious mental scripts that we create during early childhood. From birth until about eight years old, the SCM is accumulating and storing various message units that will ultimately comprise the subconscious life script. Each message is ultimately categorized as a positive (pleasure) or negative (pain) experience. Anything that the subconscious mind does not recognize falls under the category of “pain”; the resistance to meet/welcome someone new into our lives or to try a new experience (e.g., flavor) is the mind’s way of protecting us from potential danger.

After Hassan Kadam and his family are forced to leave their home in India they ultimately settle in a small town in the French countryside. His father purchases a property across the road from a traditional French restaurant and decides to also open a restaurant (Maison Mumbai), which will serve traditional Indian cuisine. Hassan and his siblings initially protest their father’s plan: there is already a Michelin-starred restaurant across the street, they argue; anyway, why would villagers want to eat the fare they will serve? They probably wouldn’t like or appreciate the stronger flavors and the restaurant would never be successful. The family’s reasoning came from their subconscious fear of repeating previous failures and their belief that their neighbors would be afraid of the unknown (i.e., eating food they had never tried before). Papa disagrees: How do they know they won’t like it? They’ve never had it! His argument comes from the will-power, reasoning, decision-making and logical faculties of his conscious mind.

When the family has trouble attracting customers for the grand opening of their restaurant, the patriarch changes from the Western European suit he has been wearing and dons traditional Indian clothing (including a turban). He instructs his teen-age daughter to do the same, and the bright lights decorating the faux façade of the Taj Mahal in front of Maison Mumbai and lively, traditional music emanating from within attracts the guests. Papa Kadam obviously realized that the way to attract clientele to his new restaurant was by giving them what they already “knew” and therefore wanted: what they believed to be traditional Indian culture that matched the traditional Indian cuisine they were about to experience.

In my favorite example of how the SCM learns to accept new knowns and adopt new behaviors, Hassan Kadam incorporates a traditional Indian spice in a traditional French recipe. His new employer, Madame Mallory—the Kadam family’s former rival and the restaurateur across the road—is loath to make even a minute modification to a centuries’ old recipe. When she demands to know why anyone would want to change an old tradition, he patiently explains that maybe it is time for the old tradition to be let go. I believe the aspiring chef is able to make his case about this modification for two reasons. First, because his employer has previously tasted and enjoyed the traditional Indian spices he has incorporated in other dishes he has prepared, so these flavors are becoming more familiar or even a known to her subconscious mind. Second—and I believe more importantly—because the Kadam family’s personal and professional relationships with Madame Mallory had become more mutually respectful and even cordial. Just as Hassan was open and eager to accept culinary suggestions about how to create a traditional French meal, she had also become amenable to adding ingredients and spices from his traditional cuisine to the menu at her restaurant.

                This blog is just an appetizer, as it were, to the various culinary, emotional and human behavioral delights you will experience when you watch The Hundred-Foot Journey. Needless to say, I highly recommend this movie…just be sure to have something to eat first, because you might find yourself feeling very hungry looking at all of that sumptuous food!

 

 

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

 

Familiar Themes

(This blog was originally posted on March 21, 2014)

 

 

                Have you ever noticed the way one event or thought can attract other, similar events or thoughts? Right after I posted my blog on March 19, 2019 about the importance of maintaining separate interests in a relationship, someone on Facebook posted a related quote from lessonslearnedinlife.com: “When you are truly comfortable with who you are not everybody will like you. But you won’t care about it one bit.” One of my friends wondered if I had a theme going with those posts. No. Not consciously, anyway.

I would not claim that this quote resonates with me all of the time. Of course, I do care if people like me. I love my family and friends. I enjoy working with and exchanging ideas with my colleagues and advisors. I feel uncomfortable if there is tension about something, and I will do my best to resolve the issue when I can. However, I am no longer willing to give up on my ideas, ideals or interests because someone disagrees with me or doesn’t like the same thing(s) I do.

In the last ten years or so since I trained in hypnotherapy and became a certified hypnotherapist, I have learned how to express how I feel in an assertive way, not an aggressive one. I have learned it is okay to explore my emotions and I listen to my instincts about something before I make a decision. I have learned how to actively listen to someone else’s point of view and re-frame or ask questions about what the other person said to make sure I really understand. I have learned that every new experience may be an “unknown” to my subconscious mind the first time I do it but, over time and practice, it will become familiar and easier to do. I have learned how to stay calm and focused in situations where, in the past, I might have had a panic attack. I have learned to be comfortable with myself, in my own skin, to accept an invitation or to say “no” if I don’t want to do something.

And while I have learned to be (and am) perfectly content to pursue my own interests, it is nice to hang out with people I like and who like me. I have learned a lot. So, “learning” is a familiar theme in this blog and hypnotherapy, too.

 

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

 

 

How to Deal With the Naysayer

Photo courtesy of Microsoft

 

                Every so often, we have to interact with somebody who holds very different beliefs than we do. In fact, this person seems so negative about absolutely everything that is suggested, we can’t wait to get as far away from this individual as we can, as fast as we can. Sometimes we even feel compelled to shoot back a few critical comments (in our defense) on the way out the door. To add insult to injury, we still sense that prickling cloud of negative energy swirling around this new environment long after we have achieved quite a bit of distance from the person. We wonder: Why did he say that? Why is she always so negative? Am I the only optimist left in the world?

                The most effective defense against negativity is to simply not react to the criticism/insult/sarcastic comment. I know how hard this can be, especially when you must deal with that person on a regular basis (e.g., a colleague or family member). Remember: energy attracts like energy. When someone criticizes you in a non-constructive/mean way, the most effective way to defuse the negative situation is to smile and thank him or her for pointing “x” out to you. Then (politely) leave the conversation or room. If you cannot extricate yourself from the situation, imagine that the “criticism” or insult was spoken in a soft, gentle voice with loving words and try the following imagery exercises:

·         Visualize, imagine, picture or pretend that you are wrapping delicate threads of protective energy around your body, from the top of your head to the tips of your toes. These threads are gold and silver light, thinner but stronger than anything that exists in the world. As they wrap around your body, you notice how relaxed you begin to feel; and the more relaxed you feel, the more patient and loving you are toward the person(s) who is hurting your feelings. With each deep breath you take, these strands of gold and silver light grow stronger and stronger and wind more tightly around your body to create an invisible shield that prevents any negative energy to attach itself to you. Each time you exhale, the negative energy bounces right off you and dissolves into the universe where it can no longer affect you or anyone else.

·         Visualize, imagine, picture or pretend that you are surrounded by very powerful, invisible magnets. Usually, these magnets are used to attract positive energy and emotions and increase your self-confidence to motivate you as you pursue your goals. If/when you notice that you are surrounded by negativity or your subconscious mind gets stuck repeating a self-critical mental script, simply “reverse” those magnets to push the negative energy away from you.

There is no excuse for being rude or mean when you criticize someone. In an ideal world, a criticism should and would always be a teachable moment. Even if it is disappointing to learn that your brilliant idea has many flaws, if you correct those mistakes as suggested, your project could be great. Take a few deep breaths to tamp down that urge to protest in defense and give the other person the benefit of the doubt. No matter how the words came out or the tone of voice the person said it in, on second thoughts you may realize that he or she is speaking from personal experience and actually has your best interest at heart. And if this isn’t the case, feel confident and respect yourself to follow your original path to achieve your goal, your way.

 

 

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/

Change Your Attitude

 

                A lot of the time, the way we deal with a stressful situation comes down to our attitude about what is going on. If we believe a minor inconvenience is a major disaster, we are likely to behave like it is. As soon as we perceive a threat in the environment, the subconscious mind goes into fight/flight mode, kicking the adrenal system will kick into high gear and flooding the bloodstream with adrenaline. Whether we are more likely to run away or stand up to the challenge and try to change the outcome of the situation depends a lot on our expectations about that outcome, based on our subconscious life script. If we can change these expectations, we can also change our behavioral response to that situation and the outcome of that scenario.

                One version of this philosophy is a quote from the film Barbarosa: “What cannot be remedied must be endured.” In other words, if we cannot change or improve our circumstances, we may still get through the challenge with minimal physical and emotional distress by gritting our teeth and ploughing through. Don’t make any waves or draw attention to yourself, just do whatever you need to do to deal with the situation until our luck improves. Alternatively, we can follow the Mother Superior’s advice to Maria in The Sound of Music: Climb every mountain. If and when we encounter an obstacle along our journey to fulfilling a dream or achieving a goal, continue to push forward toward your goal. Look for alternative strategies and different paths that you can take to get where you want to be.

                In his book Success Is Not an Accident, Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder John Kappas, Ph.D. explains how a person’s mental script and subconscious messages ultimately influence how and where the individual will direct energy and effort to realize a goal. Everyone has the power to achieve a goal, Dr. Kappas says, if the “correct” mental script for that success—like a road map or a recipe—is available and in place for the person to follow. However, if you don’t possess a subconscious mental script that compels you to pursue a goal when times are tough, repeated exposure (experience) to negative outcomes  may further jade your optimism about the likelihood of achieving the success you desire.

Hypnotherapy and therapeutic guided imagery can help you rewrite those negative mental scripts and help you to see that silver lining in the darkest of clouds. Remember: every belief and behavior you have learned can also be unlearned. Hypnosis is an effective, drug-free and natural way to help you override (i.e., unlearn) that previous mental script and override negative habits or beliefs that no longer work for you. so you can start living the kind of life you want and deserve to be living.

 

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/