Moving On, Part 2

(This blog was originally posted on August 4, 2014)

Image courtesy of Microsoft

In 1967, psychiatrists Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe conducted a study to identify which stressful life events cause physical illness.¹ They published the results of this study as the Social Readjustment Rating Scale. It comes as little or no surprise that Holmes and Rahe’s research rated death of a spouse, divorce and marital separation, respectively, as the three most stressful life events. Whatever the cause, letting go of a relationship can be very difficult and painful. For some people, it is traumatic. In this blog, I explain how experiencing grief and working through the five stages of loss during hypnotherapy can help you accept that the relationship is finished.

When someone is having trouble accepting that the relationship is over, Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder John Kappas, Ph.D., advised taking the client through the stages of grief and loss² during hypnotherapy. Although there are five stages of loss, it is important to remember that not everyone experiences each stage of grief or even go through them consecutively. It is also possible to repeat these stages and to experience one or more at the same time.

• Stage 1: Denial, characterized by shock and numbness, and refusing to accept that the relationship is over.

• Stage 2: Resentment. Anger at the other person(s) in the relationship or anyone else who is around.

• Stage 3: Bargaining, wherein the person tries to make a deal with God, themselves and other people in his or her life to just get the person/relationship back.

• Stage 4: Grief. This stage is characterized by crying and/or emotional withdrawal. (If the person is crying excessively, I would also require a medical or psychological referral so I could address this issue in hypnosis.)

• Stage 5: Resolution. During this final stage of grief and mourning, the person starts to get his or her life back on track. The individual begins to feel more hopeful and accepts the fact that the relationship is over, the other person(s) is not coming back.

Remember: the emotional pain we experience at the end of a significant relationship isn’t just sadness about the person who is no longer in our lives. We also feel pain because we have lost or can no longer follow an important mental script or “known” in our subconscious mind. Regardless of the quality of that bond, disengaging from it and the habits or behaviors you have practiced during the relationship entails breaking script. Now, you must venture into the unknown experience of being independent from that relationship. I use therapeutic guided imagery to facilitate the process of forgiveness—of the self and the other person(s)—to help you heal and leave the finished relationship behind. I also employ guided imagery to help you relax and increase/rebuild your self-confidence, improve your self-esteem and reinforce your self-image as you forge this new path.

  

It is only when we can say goodbye with love and respect to the lost relationship and the person(s) we shared it with that we can truly move forward in our lives.

1)      Holmes TH, Rahe RH (1967). "The Social Readjustment Rating Scale". J Psychosom Res 11 (2): 213–8.

2)      Kübler-Ross, E. (1969) On Death and Dying, Routledge, ISBN 0-415-04015-9

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. In July 2019 she was voted the Best Hypnotherapist in Santa Clarita, California. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

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