Making Friends

(This blog was originally posted on April 30, 2014)

“There are no strangers here; only friends we haven’t met yet.” – Irish proverb

      It can be challenging—and stressful—to enter an unfamiliar social environment. Whether it is your first day of college, you are starting a new job or you have just joined a special-interest group Facebook, the prospect of introducing yourself and striking up a conversation with a stranger can be daunting. Everything is an unknown entity, from the linoleum tiles on the break-room floor to operating the copying machine to learning the organizations rules and bylaws. Furthermore, most if not all of the other employees or group members already know each other and are familiar with how the organization is run. They have probably already created friendships or even cliques in that group. In addition to an obvious group leader, such as a teacher or department supervisor, another member may also occupy an unofficial, self-appointed leadership role and help to “run” the organization when the boss is not around. As you become familiar with your new role and responsibility in the group and learn (and try to remember) everyone’s names, you wonder: Now that I am “in” this organization, how do I truly join it?

        Even if you feel shy, even if you feel unsure, remember this fact: every other person in this group has likely been where you are and felt like this at some point. Consequently, most if not all of your team will make an effort to include you and help to make you feel comfortable and welcome in the organization. On my first day working as a proofreader at a national martial arts magazine, the editorial team took me out for a pizza lunch. 

Go out of your way to make conversation and reciprocate gestures of kindness. For example, one of the assistant editors at the magazine created a seating chart for me to indicate the work stations of everyone in the company. She even included the names of the men who ran the warehouse, the accountant and art-project coordinators who worked off-site. I was so touched and inspired by this gesture that I created a similar seating chart to help out every other new employee throughout the years that I worked at that company.

One way to boost your confidence is to physically change your posture: stand up straight with your shoulders back, and hold your head up high. This conveys to others that you have a strong sense of who you are and what you are about, what you stand for. Even if you don't actually feel this way, your body is “acting” as if you do. Since your subconscious mind doesn't know the difference between fantasy and reality, you can pretend to be confident until your mind actually starts to actually feel self-confident.

         Another strategy is to think about why you are attending a particular university; remind yourself why you are working at this company or joined this particular social network. It is likely that you had to undergo some kind of application and/or interview process to get accepted to the college or to be offered your job. You demonstrated that do possess the skills, knowledge, talents and other attributes that will benefit the university or corporation of your choice. Anyone who wrote a letter of reference to support your college or job application will have believed this, too! Similarly, you were attracted to that social network because you share a common (mutual) interest with other members in that group. If another member had to invite you to become a member of a “closed” group, this is further validation that you have something to offer them and strengthen the quality of that organization.

        Remember to take care of your body—not just during those first days or weeks when you are finding your way around, but every day. Eat well-balanced meals that include protein and reduce your intake of caffeine or alcohol to help balance your mood and stave off sudden drops in blood-sugar level, which is associated with elevated levels of anxiety. Be sure to get enough sleep at night and take deep breaths (diaphragmatic breathing) to circulate the oxygen in your bloodstream throughout your body and further relax you if/when you feel nervous or anxious.

Finally, as your level of relaxation and self-confidence begin to grow in this new environment you have chosen—remember, you want to be here!—allow yourself to smile and say hello to the other people in your group. A new friend is likely just a “hello” away.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

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