Thoughts of the Day

Photo by Sara Fogan

      Every now and then I like (and need) to take a few moments and remind myself about what is really important to me, in my life. If you follow me on my Calminsense Hypnotherapy Facebook page you may have seen some of these quotes before on this page, or will in the future. Many of these Quotes of the Day are beautiful examples and illustrations of the work I do as a hypnotherapist, so I will probably draw on them in future essays.

• “Many people think excitement is happiness, but when you are excited you are not peaceful. True happiness is based on peace.” – Thich Nhat Hanh

• “Always say ‘yes’ to the present moment. What could be more futile, more insane, than to create inner resistance to what already is.” – Eckhart  Tolle

• “The secret of attraction is to love yourself. Attractive people judge neither themselves nor others.” – Deepak Chopra

• “Your ability to endure difficult things is in direct proportion to the clarity of your vision of the future.” – Bruce van Horn

• “All great achievements require time.” – Maya Angelou

• "If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us.” – Hermann Hesse

• “We will be friends till we are old and senile…then we will be new friends!” – Somecards.com

• “Be here now.” – Ram Dass

• “The man who moves a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.” – Confucius

• “Life is a river, always flowing. Do not hold onto things. Work hard.” – Buddha

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2016

A Shorthand Guide to E & P Communication

Photo by Rick Hustead

Does this scenario sound familiar? You know that the milk is running out, but rather than putting the product on the grocery list you or your partner put the near-empty carton back into the fridge rather than finish it off. There may not even be enough left for cereal in the morning, but that’s not the point: its presence is there to remind someone to get to the grocery store right away and buy more. Passive-aggressive behavior aside, the person who left the milk knows that the other partner will get the inference.

When I teach my hypnotherapy clients about suggestibility and the tenets of Emotional and Physical Sexuality, one of the most important components of these lessons is to increases their understanding of communication between these groups. Certified hypnotherapist Alex G. Kappas, Ph.D., used to say: “I know you believe you think you understand what I have just said; but I am not sure that what you heard is not what I meant.” In other words, each of us tends to “hear” a specific message based on our previous experience and expectations about what we think the other person is (or should be) saying, based on our mental script. In today’s blog I will give you some hints about how to better understand the meaning behind those often-misunderstood words.

For example, someone with emotional suggestibility tends to better understand metaphor and inference while the physical suggestible counterpart generally takes the literal meaning of the words that he hears or reads. The Emotional suggestible easily perceives and understands sarcasm and double entendre in a conversation or written text—even if none exists or was intended. The physical suggestible is more likely to take the literal meaning of these words, but may misunderstand or completely miss these subtle inflections of the other person’s voice to indicate that the comment was a joke. For example, the Emotional may perceive an unintended slight while the Physical may not pick up the subtle hint to change a behavior, and then resent the partner for not warning about the otherwise-avoidable social faux pas.

The sexual personality of the parties also plays an important role in this kind of (mis)communication. Remember: the Emotional Sexual individual is naturally attracted to the Physical Sexual counterpart, and vice versa. Consequently, the Physical speaks in metaphor and inferences that will attract the Emotional partner; while the Emo speaks literally and directly to attract and communicate with the Physical. Conflict and hurt can arise if and when one partner literally processes the words or infers a specific meaning in the tone or brusqueness of other person’s voice. The Emotional Sexual partner’s economy of words and direct way of communicating may hurt the Physical partner’s feelings and fuel a grudge without knowing or intending to create this rift.

When the Emotional Sexual partner communicates, verbal or written sentences are often short, direct and to the point. Conversely, the Physical tends to take his or her time, leading up to the point of the anecdote by laying out every detail of the experience before (eventually) reaching the resolution or outcome. In this case, the Emotional may become impatient waiting for the partner’s circuitous way of story-telling. However, the other person is likely to feel hurt or slighted when the Emotional starts gesturing to hurry up or noticeably tunes out the story.

Finally, the different communication styles and preferences are also evident in the kinds of books or reading material that an Emotional suggestible or Physical suggestible is likely to prefer. Emotionals tend to go for novels/fiction whereas Physicals enjoy biographies and non-fiction books. 

These descriptions are intended as guidelines to help you better understand how you communicate and why misunderstandings can occur. When in doubt, if you don’t understand what someone has said—or what you think the person meant—ask for clarification. Words aren’t the only components of effective communication, but they are often the most objective ones. 




Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2016

Micro-Aggressions

Photo by Rick Hustead

Someone is finally doing it. Someone is finally suing Starbucks® because the company “shorts” advertised quantity of coffee in iced beverages compared to the ratio of ice. O-kay, then.

The company argues that ice is supposed to be in an iced beverage. Isn’t that implied—even explicitly stated—in the names of the beverages like iced coffee, iced tea, iced-green-tea latte, etc.? Even the Frappuccino beverages made with a lot of ice. Considering how many units of iced beverages Starbucks® sells each day, I doubt that the plaintiff in this case is the first person who noticed the imbalanced of the coffee-to-ice ratio. Most people who order an iced beverage simply pay and happily walk out of the store or take a seat along the coffee bar and enjoy their drink, end of story. I wonder what inspired this person to actually sue the company over this imbalance instead of simply ask the barista to prepare the beverage with less or even no ice, or simply stop buying coffee there in the first place?

Last year, one of my nephews introduced me to the word “micro-aggression.” I remember laughing at the concept of micro-aggressions. I didn’t laugh because I believe some complaints and perceived injustices are truly funny or deserve to be dismissed out of hand, but because the word itself is demeaning and yet so accurate. In the context of the many injustices (real or perceived) that are occurring in the world, not receiving the advertised amount of coffee in your iced beverage doesn’t seem like a big deal, or even that it should be. Taking the company to court for a $5 million payday over this imbalance is a bit extreme. And yet, it’s happening. My question is: how did this and similar situations get so far?

A couple years ago I posted a blog titled Passive-Aggressive Behavior in which I explained the origins of this behavior, which typically begins during early-childhood. A youngster naturally starts to become more independent from his caregivers between the ages of two and five. However, if the adult does not provide options and opportunities for the child to demonstrate the desired behavior, the youngster may adopt passive-aggressive responses to these requests in order to display some kind of autonomy. Rather than ask directly for something, the individual hints and insinuates that something is wrong/must change until other people in the environment change behavior to accommodate him. Over time, this strategy becomes a subconscious known—a go-to behavior to get what the person wants. I can’t help but wonder if passive-aggression is at the root of so many examples of micro-aggression we are seeing lately.

There is a huge difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness/passive-aggressiveness. In the first case, an assertive Starbucks® customer would immediately, politely, tell the barista that there is too much ice in the beverage and ask for it to be remade. (There is a sign on the counter of every Starbucks® that states the store’s policy about re-making a drink to a customer’s satisfaction.) If the new drink still wasn’t made to the person’s satisfaction, the person could ask for a refund and stop going there for coffee. Maybe even a letter to the CEO would be in order. Conversely, an aggressive customer might rudely complain about the drink, demand the refund/reject apologies from the company, etc., and even stomp loudly off the premises and tell everyone about the lousy experience. The passive-aggressive customer may take the beverage as it was originally prepared and then complain (loudly or discretely) about everything that is wrong with the drink. The final step on this path would be to take the complaint to court.

I do not know all of the details about this customer’s lawsuit. Perhaps the individual has made many attempts to change how the company prepares its iced beverages and even had a one-on-one meeting with the CEO to vent frustration about this perceived rip-off. But is this issue so important to press legal charges, knowing that the cost of hiring a legal team to defend/prosecute this injustice may become financially prohibitive? Sure, the ultimate pay-day could be worth this effort—if and when it eventually comes. The question I have about this issue is whether having a disproportionate ratio of ice-to-coffee symbolic of another more personally meaningful perceived imbalance in this person’s life.

Maybe it isn’t about the coffee, at all.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2016

Building Self-Esteem from a Limited Mental Script

Photo by Rick Hustead

If a client has a limited mental script, it is important to use hypnotic suggestions to help create a new mental self-image. This individual would also benefit from learning about the Mental Bank Concept and using the Mental Bank ledger to reinforce those suggestions, advised John Kappas, Ph.D., founder of the Hypnosis Motivation Institute.

To start this process, explain the Theory of Mind and emphasize that any previous negative scripts or self-image (behaviors) can be re-learned, Dr. Kappas suggested. Remind the client that somewhere in the person’s background, the individual picked up or learned the unwanted behavior. Since all behavior (except reaction to fear of falling and reaction to fear of loud noises) is learned, the person can unlearn this unwanted behavior as well. It is also important to reassure the individual that he or she will match the potential positive changes or outcomes with the person’s capability to effect the desired change. “From this day forward, you are more valuable. You are successful, happy doing what you want to do,” the hypnotherapist said.

It is important for the client to be able to incorporate the self-image of success, happiness and prosperity as the basic foundation for his or her mental-bank goals. Therefore, while the individual is in hypnosis, the hypnotherapist should emphasize that the person’s confidence, self-confidence and self-esteem continue to steadily increase. “A new script will take you to new places. You’ll feel better about yourself, and your confidence will begin to grow,” Dr. Kappas said.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2016