Tuesday, July 31, 2018

Recreating the Family of Origin


(This blog was originally posted on May 19, 2016)



Photo by Rick Hustead





When I was a freshman at Occidental College, I noticed something very interesting: all of the students looked the same. Well, not exactly the same, as in identical; but our similarity in physical features and even social backgrounds struck me as uncanny. One of my favorite instructors reminded me of my mother, from her general physique and gentle demeanor to the curly, salt-and-pepper dark hair they wore in a similar style. Maybe that resemblance contributed to her being one of my favorite professors. I remember that my fourth-grade teacher reminded me of one of my grandmothers; Mrs. Payne also happened to be one of my favorite grammar-school teachers. I don’t think that was a coincidence. One of the first good friends I made at Goldsmiths College in London, during my junior year abroad reminded me of my sister; they both even shared the same major in English literature.

On Tuesday, May 17, 2016, KFI AM 640 radio host Gary Hoffman and his featured guest, Wendy Walsh, Ph.D., discussed people’s subconscious mind's tendency to recreate the “home” or family environment/social schema where they work. Dr. Walsh’s description of this behavior sounded a lot like Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder John Kappas, Ph.D.’s Theory of Mind. No matter where we are or who we are with, we subconsciously want to return to those early experiences where we felt comfortable—even if we were experiencing pain in that situation. Both models made total sense.
Many people spend a majority of their waking day at work or at school/college. Whether it is a youngster’s first day in kindergarten or the first time newly minted CEO walks into the boardroom to facilitate a meeting, anxiety (pain) is usually the dominant emotion experienced. To alleviate this discomfort, we subconsciously look for any similarity between what he or she knows/knows how to do and other people with whom we have shared this previous environment or space. I remember the anxiety I experienced when the original owner of Black Belt magazine sold the company in 2001. All of the staff was anxious about our job security, even the senior editors and art directors. We all knew that the new line manager could easily decide this was a chance to “refresh” the current business model and get new writers and editors. Would our possible replacements actually be more skilled at our job or just a better social “fit” for the new boss? As it turned out, most of us kept our job and even got promotions when Black Belt magazine’s current owners bought and expanded the company a few years later. However, it was easy to see that new writers and editors that were hired were much more “like” and compatible with the new executive staff.
When I interviewed for college and, later, future jobs, I subconsciously looked for an environment where I already felt comfortable and shared interests/goals as the people with whom I would be sharing that environment. I have no doubt that Oxy’s college-acceptance board and my prospective employers had similar criteria when they considered how well I would fit in with them. The same could also be said of how I was originally recruited to join NRG—the business-network group to which I belong—and even, to some extent, how my clients “choose” to work with me as their hypnotherapist. What is similar? What is familiar? That is where we ultimately go—and stay.



Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.
© 2018

Monday, July 30, 2018

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do: How Emotional Sexual & Physical Sexual Partners Deal With the End of a Relationship


(This blog was originally posted on April 25, 2016)


Photo by Rick Hustead



According to John Kappas, Ph.D., Emotional Sexuals do not get hung up in a failed relationship for as long or the way a Physical Sexual is likely to do. Physicals focus their lives on a relationship and a loving commitment. Once the relationship becomes physically (sexually) intimate, they tend to plan the future and have high expectations for commitment with the partner.

“The Physical Sexual female subconsciously thinks, ‘Would he make a good husband/father of my child? Could I spend an eternity with him?” The Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder explained. If the other person is a good candidate for such a relationship, this evolution of the partnership will happen naturally.  However, if the relationship seems to be failing or if the other partner (typically an Emotional Sexual) rejects the person’s advances, the Physical Sexual will panic about losing the person and cling even more. When the Physical Sexual backs off a bit—perhaps even making the Emotional Sexual jealous—the relationship tends to start up again.

When the relationship is finally over and the Physical Sexual leaves for good, the person doesn’t go back. However, the person’s fear of the emotional pain resulting from this separation and the fact that self-worth is so closely tied to the relationship makes it difficult to make this final break, Dr. Kappas observed. This fear and the person’s lack of confidence that he or she can survive without the partner will subconsciously motivate the person to hold onto the dead relationship. However, it may be prudent to let the relationship go if you’re not getting what you want or need, he advised.

Since people continue to evolve over time, you should become involved with another person with whom you can grow in this way, Dr. Kappas said. Don’t hold onto a relationship that’s not going anywhere for you and replace expectations about getting married and having a partner with that partner, specifically. “You need to separate what you want for yourself. You have to project availability and attainability. Lovers are not forever, but for now or tomorrow.”





Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.
© 2018

Friday, July 27, 2018

Thoughts of the Day

Photo by Sara Fogan




Every now and then I like (and need) to take a few moments and remind myself about what is really important to me, in my life. If you follow me on my Calminsense Hypnotherapy Facebook page you may have seen some of these quotes before on this page, or will in the future. Many of these Quotes of the Day are beautiful examples and illustrations of the work I do as a hypnotherapist, so I will probably draw on them in future essays.

  • A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.” – GSW Syndicate
  • “Those who think that the world is a dark place are blind to the light that might illuminate their lives.” – Wayne Dyer
  • “Be there for others but never leave yourself behind.” – Dodinsky
  • “Forgiving is not forgetting; it’s actually remembering ‘remembering’ and not using your right to hit back. It’s a second chance for a new beginning.” – Mrs. Anahata
  • “Don’t be afraid to fail, be afraid not to try.” – Lolly Daskal
  • “The beautiful thing about education is that no one can take it away from you.” – B.B. King
  • “I learned that courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.” – Nelson Mandela
  • “Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.” ― Marilyn Monroe
  • “The trouble is, you think you have time.” – Buddha



Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.
© 2018