The Recipe for a Successful, Long-Term Relationship

(This blog was originally posted on September 29, 2016)

Photo by Rick Hustead

Hypnotherapists are not allowed to give relationship “counseling.”* However, it is okay to provide relationship “strategies” for clients who are experiencing conflicts in their romantic partnership. For example, I typically describe characteristics of the Emotional and Physical Sexuality/personalities and how they behave in the context of a relationship to all of my clients. I also outline the seven key factors of a successful romantic partnership. Last but certainly not least, I might offer the following suggestions to enhance emotional intimacy between you and your romantic partner:

• Speak real words of appreciation to your partner every day. For example, “Watching you with the children, I can go to work knowing they are taken care of.”

• Gossip. Talk to your partner/spouse about what went on during your day. Share information, anecdotes etc. When your partnership is based in love, it is actually very sexy to hear that someone else find’s your significant other attractive, too!

• Ask questions for information, not to criticize the other person. Never talk to your spouse/lover in a way that you would address your kids.

• Request for change. The way you deal with anger during a conflict is very important. Don’t speak to your partner the way you would never speak to your best friend. No name-calling, no belittling. The relationship has to be built on respect.

• Share fantasies and dreams and visions of the future.

*Business and Professions Code 2908: California law allows access by California residents to complementary and alternative health care practitioners who are not providing services that require medical training and credentials. The purpose of a program of hypnotherapy is for vocational and avocational self-improvement (Business and Professions Code 2908) and as alternative or complimentary treatment to healing arts services licensed by the state. A hypnotherapist is not a licensed physician or psychologist, and hypnotherapy services are not licensed by the state of California. Services are non-diagnostic and do not include the practice of medicine, neither should they be considered as a substitute for licensed medical or psychological services or procedures.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2017

It's Tax Season: Give Them a Twinkie!

Photo by Rick Hustead

It is still about six weeks away, but April 15 (Tax Day)—or, April 18, this year—feels much closer for a lot of us. Whether you are meeting with accountants and preparing to write those checks or the CPA helping others negotiate tax season, this is a great opportunity to remind you to be kind to yourself and start doling out those “Twinkies.”

In this case, I am not referring to the Hostess Twinkie cake but a concept introduced by John Kappas, Ph.D. Rather, a Twinkie is the concept Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder used to represent a metaphoric reward for a behavior or attitude that may feel like a sacrifice to the other person but takes some considerable stress off you. In the context of paying or preparing to pay annual taxes, an Emotional Sexual individual may be experiencing extra stress as he or she balances the budget and looks for ways to eke out extra money to send to the government in April. As I explained in my essay titled All About Emotional and Physical Sexuality, Part 3, an Emotional Sexual’s primary focus is always financial security. If the person is worried or preoccupied about something to do with his or her career or money, this person will not have time or patience for anything else until this issue is resolved. This is not good news for the Physical Sexual partner, who becomes anxious and gets hurt feelings if romantic overtures are ignored or rebuffed. 

To prevent misunderstanding and unnecessary conflict and increase physical desire between you and your partner, Dr. Kappas recommended that each individual “give a Twinkie” (a metaphoric treat or favor) in the form of a desired behavior, from time to time. For example, the Physical Sexual partner can give the person time and space to work on those W-2, 1099, etc., forms without interrupting the other person to complete household chores or even for physical intimacy. (The Emotional probably isn’t interested in that right now, anyway.) In return, the other person can send love notes, have flowers delivered or set a date to share a romantic meal with the Physical partner to show that he or she is still thinking about the other person. Not only will these kinds of behaviors take pressure off, the subconscious gratitude each person feels for being allowed to satisfy core personality traits will increase sexual desire and willingness to express loving/affectionate feelings for the other person, later.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2017

A Shorthand Guide to E & P Communication

Photo by Rick Hustead

Does this scenario sound familiar? You know that the milk is running out, but rather than putting the product on the grocery list you or your partner put the near-empty carton back into the fridge rather than finish it off. There may not even be enough left for cereal in the morning, but that’s not the point: its presence is there to remind someone to get to the grocery store right away and buy more. Passive-aggressive behavior aside, the person who left the milk knows that the other partner will get the inference.

When I teach my hypnotherapy clients about suggestibility and the tenets of Emotional and Physical Sexuality, one of the most important components of these lessons is to increases their understanding of communication between these groups. Certified hypnotherapist Alex G. Kappas, Ph.D., used to say: “I know you believe you think you understand what I have just said; but I am not sure that what you heard is not what I meant.” In other words, each of us tends to “hear” a specific message based on our previous experience and expectations about what we think the other person is (or should be) saying, based on our mental script. In today’s blog I will give you some hints about how to better understand the meaning behind those often-misunderstood words.

For example, someone with emotional suggestibility tends to better understand metaphor and inference while the physical suggestible counterpart generally takes the literal meaning of the words that he hears or reads. The Emotional suggestible easily perceives and understands sarcasm and double entendre in a conversation or written text—even if none exists or was intended. The physical suggestible is more likely to take the literal meaning of these words, but may misunderstand or completely miss these subtle inflections of the other person’s voice to indicate that the comment was a joke. For example, the Emotional may perceive an unintended slight while the Physical may not pick up the subtle hint to change a behavior, and then resent the partner for not warning about the otherwise-avoidable social faux pas.

The sexual personality of the parties also plays an important role in this kind of (mis)communication. Remember: the Emotional Sexual individual is naturally attracted to the Physical Sexual counterpart, and vice versa. Consequently, the Physical speaks in metaphor and inferences that will attract the Emotional partner; while the Emo speaks literally and directly to attract and communicate with the Physical. Conflict and hurt can arise if and when one partner literally processes the words or infers a specific meaning in the tone or brusqueness of other person’s voice. The Emotional Sexual partner’s economy of words and direct way of communicating may hurt the Physical partner’s feelings and fuel a grudge without knowing or intending to create this rift.

When the Emotional Sexual partner communicates, verbal or written sentences are often short, direct and to the point. Conversely, the Physical tends to take his or her time, leading up to the point of the anecdote by laying out every detail of the experience before (eventually) reaching the resolution or outcome. In this case, the Emotional may become impatient waiting for the partner’s circuitous way of story-telling. However, the other person is likely to feel hurt or slighted when the Emotional starts gesturing to hurry up or noticeably tunes out the story.

Finally, the different communication styles and preferences are also evident in the kinds of books or reading material that an Emotional suggestible or Physical suggestible is likely to prefer. Emotionals tend to go for novels/fiction whereas Physicals enjoy biographies and non-fiction books. 

These descriptions are intended as guidelines to help you better understand how you communicate and why misunderstandings can occur. When in doubt, if you don’t understand what someone has said—or what you think the person meant—ask for clarification. Words aren’t the only components of effective communication, but they are often the most objective ones. 




Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2016