Monday, May 19, 2014

The Family That Plays Together

 

                The Brady Bunch. The Partridge Family. Eight Is Enough. The Ingalls family of Little House on the Prairie and the Walton family of The Waltons. The Corleones of The Godfather. The Ewings of Dallas and the Cartwrights of Bonanza. These are just a few iconic examples of television families that I grew up with. More recently, there are the five ruling clans in George R.R. Martin’s Game of Thrones series, and the extended Grantham family of Downton Abbey. While no one in my family was (or is) really like any of the characters in these fictional families, we all share the respect, loyalty, love and rivalry that characterize a familial bond. These fictitious families taught each other important lessons about how to enjoy the benefits of and negotiate the specific challenges that existed in their world. They learned how it feels to “belong” in a group and to feel protected by people who would sacrifice everything and anything to keep them safe.

                This is not to say that families or specific members in a family are always easy to deal with or that the conflicts which can flare up between them are always simple or comfortable to resolve. Some family feuds go on so long that the members who were involved in the original quarrel have died or simply don’t know or remember why they are fighting, only that they are fighting. However, have you ever noticed what happens if someone outside of the family unit threatens the family or one of its members? The family closes ranks and creates a virtual wagon circle around the individual who is under attack: “It’s one thing for me to say or do something to hurt someone in my family, but don’t you even try it!”

                A sweet dessert and a glass of milk are a common panacea for most causes of hurt and disappointment that occurs in television families. However, patience, compassion/empathy and willingness to compromise are keys to achieving true conflict resolution in real-life families. It can be (and often is) hard work to try to understand why someone you love and who is supposed to love you could have done or said that incredibly hurtful thing. It is even more challenging, but equally necessary, to also take a hard look at how you may have contributed to the fight by something you said or did, whether these actions were intentional or not. It is challenging to offer an apology and admit when you are wrong, but it can also be challenging to graciously accept an apology from someone who hurt you and then work together to move past that painful event.

                Whatever your “family” looks like, this relationship—or lack thereof—is one of the most important ones that you will probably experience during your lifetime. Even if you do not share genetic material (the “nature” component) with anyone in it, you will have scores of memories of shared experiences with the person(s) who raised you (the “nurture” component). Whoever was your primary caretaker helped to establish your suggestibility (how you learn); you would have likely modeled your personality after the person who was a secondary caretaker for you growing up. You can (and probably have) compared notes about your upbringing with your siblings to make sure that everyone got the same treatment. You might be surprised at the similarities between how your parents raised their children, how your aunts and uncles raised your cousins, and even how your grandparents raised your parents. Even if longtime friends and even a spouse or lover drift out of your life, the bonds you share with one or both parents, a sibling (or several) and more distant relatives tend to be more permanent. Like it or not, family is (usually) here to stay.

 

 

 Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

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