Don't Rise to the Bait

(This blog was originally posted on August 21, 2014)

 

Photo courtesy of Fotolia

Whether it’s a colleague at work or another kid at school who is subtly or not-so-subtly challenging you, the most effective strategy to dissipate the tension between you is to ignore the taunt. Unfortunately, nothing is one of the most difficult things to do when we want to stand our ground and defend what we believe. This is even more challenging when we buy into and believe the criticism or digs someone is directing our way. Like children on the playground, adults can also get caught in a seemingly endless cycle of verbal sparring because this kind of interaction has become an established pattern between the participants. There may not be a specific reason why this behavior occurs; and for the purposes of this essay, it doesn’t even matter. The point here is the behavior and how you can prevent yourself from responding to and engaging with whatever has instigated it. 

Whenever you find yourself in a potentially negative interaction ask yourself: Is the trash talk part of your usual repertoire with this individual or individuals? If your answer is yes, consider who is instigating the negativity. Be honest! It surprises many people to realize that they may have started the argument or made the first dig without even consciously knowing or intending to do this. If you did intend to stir something up with the other person, consider your reason or reasons for doing so. Sometimes we criticize another person’s behavior or appearance, etc., because we actually disapprove of or even resent that attribute in ourselves. If your answer is no, think back to a similar, previous occasion or events in which you were the object of the other person’s animosity. How did you react in those situations? How did the other person respond to what you said or did? If this scenario has been repeated several times, it is likely that you both follow a subconscious mental script in which you trigger specific antagonistic/combative and defensive/combative responses in each other. 

Even if this behavior has become a habit, the good news is that you both can unlearn it and rewrite your mental scripts to create a more constructive way of interacting. Do not use or waste this time and your energy trying to come up with a clever retort to the other person’s taunt, either. Any temporary pleasure you may feel when you say it will be overshadowed by the fact that your quip will only reinforce the unwanted behavior you’re trying to get rid of and the other person’s negative behavior toward you. The easiest way to start changing the original pattern is simple: just do not respond to that dig or verbal jab. Instead, draw a deep breath through the nose and hold it to the count of four and then exhale the breath through your mouth. As you inhale, visualize, imagine, picture or pretend that you are inhaling calm, focus, patience and any word that you associate with feeling powerful, in control, and loving or benevolent. Then when you exhale, imagine that you are releasing from your body every last bit of anger, stress, frustration or negative energy or emotion that you feel about the other person and/or this situation. 

For all intents and purposes, you are in a kind of “relationship” with the other person or people with whom you share this behavior. Like any other relationship in your life, this one is also subject to the principles behind the Systems Approach, whereby you cannot separate one component of the system from the sub-total or entire system. According to John Kappas, Ph.D., the founder of the Hypnosis Motivation Institute, changing your behavior in the relationship—i.e., no longer respond to comments or communicate with the other party the way you used to—will necessarily affect the basic structure of the relationship or system and create resistance within it. The ultimate goal of applying the Systems Approach in hypnotherapy is to bring the System (relationship) back into balance. However, if that system is no longer working for you and the other party or parties is unwilling to change their behavior to restore this balance, the relationship as it stands will not survive. Under those circumstances, you may ultimately find that leaving the toxic relationship and combative social environment is the better option anyway.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2015

Reconstructive Surgery and Self-Image

(This blog was originally reposted on August 18, 2014)

                In a way, some instances of reconstructive surgery is like putting a bandage on a wound rather than healing the tissue that has been injured. John Kappas, Ph.D.’s Theory of Mind tells us that we start receiving message units the moment we are born. Between the ages of five and eight, we start taking these messages directly into the subconscious mind. Even negative messages that cause emotional pain such as criticism about physical appearance or intelligence will be accepted and integrated to help form our life script. Negative messages create negative beliefs, and unless or until those beliefs are replaced with positive ones, our self-image will not improve even if the physique or appearance changes.

                To further complicate this situation, we are strongly influenced by peers and social trend as we get older. Society also influences our personal beliefs about what we think is attractive. Furthermore, should we decide to have plastic or reconstructive surgery to “fix” a perceived blemish in our appearance, we still might not think those changes make us look better or more attractive. If you were constantly criticized about your looks or physique, no matter how clear your skin is now or how fit you are now, those early beliefs may still make you doubt what you see in the mirror. Increasing the number or frequency of reconstructive procedures cannot increase your self-confidence or self-esteem so long as your subconscious mental script believes otherwise.

                In other words, the path to improving your self-image starts with improving that image—yourself-confidence and self-esteem from the inside. “Don’t put in suggestions about being attractive if it’s not true. Give negative suggestions about negative situations if you were different: i.e., the downside of being more attractive,” the Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder suggested. “You have to learn to live with [the way you look].”

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2015

Saving Mr. and Mrs. Crabby's Relationship

(This blog was originally posted on August 15, 2014)

     I am a devoted fan of Patrick McDonnell’s Mutts© comic strip. The cartoons that ran from August 11-August 14, 2014 featured two of the regular “seaside” characters, Crabby and Mrs. Crabby, as they worked through a marital crisis. Not only was the king crab feeling “happy” and content, he had suddenly become very kind and even solicitous to his wife. Mrs. Crabby was beside herself with worry because she had no idea to deal with his sudden change in behavior or attitude. She literally did not “know” her husband since he was no longer grumpy and complaining. The Crabby relationship was in jeopardy because the basic system of their marriage had been disrupted. 

    The source or reason for Crabby’s sudden attitude change wasn’t revealed; it didn’t matter that his gentler, more considerate nature might have ultimately improved the overall quality of their communication their relationship. Remember, doesn’t even matter if the “change” is for the better and could even improve the overall quality of their interactions or communication. According to John Kappas, Ph.D.’s Theory of Mind, anything new is unknown and, therefore, painful. This behavior was very painful to him and Mrs. Crabby—so painful, in fact, that they had to enlist the help of a marriage counselor (an octopus) to help restore the usual status quo and save their relationship.

     Right away, I knew that a Systems Approach would be the most effective way to address this conflict. The basic premise of the Systems Approach is: every component of a social/emotional system affects the entire system. Whenever one member of that social system changes his or her behavior in any way, that change could still destroy the relationship if the other parties are resistant toward it. The ultimate goal of a Systems Approach is to bring the original System back into balance.

     The Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder stated that this approach infiltrates all areas of therapy regardless of what the client’s problem or issue happens to be. Even if only one member of the family or one spouse or partner in a relationship is seeking therapy, that issue must be dealt with within the context of the client’s own system. Therefore, the hypnotherapist must address components in the person’s work, relationships, family past, the hypnotherapy he or she is receiving, plus aspects of the entire social system or relationship. If these other issues aren’t taken into account, the therapy won’t be successful and only the issue being addressed in therapy will be “treated” (improved or eliminated) per the client’s goal, Dr. Kappas warned.

     The presenting issue of Crabby and Mrs. Crabby’s case was marital accord, a complete aberration of their normal interactions. If the (hypno)therapist doesn’t keep Mrs. Crabby in mind during the therapy, she is liable to walk out of the marriage because she has not been taken into account within the “system.” Fortunately, both of these spouses were willing to come in for (hypno)therapy to work on their marital issues and learned some techniques to help them restore the natural balance of the relationship.

     I am pleased to report that the “therapy” worked, Crabby is back to being his usual “crabby” self and he and Mrs. Crabby is delighted with the results! You can read about their relationship at https://muttscomics.com/strips-archive.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2015

Family Ties

(This blog was originally posted on August 5, 2014)

     In one episode of his talk show, Late Night with Seth Meyers host, Seth Meyers, had his younger brother, Josh, as a guest on the show to help promote their animated series, The Awesomes. This was the first time I ever saw them interact together, and I was immediately struck by how easy, comfortable and familiar they were. That made sense; not only are they brothers, they are obviously very good friends. Watching the interview was less like a promotion for their shared venture on the Hulu® network and more like being a fly on the wall at a family reunion. It was fun to listen to them reminisce about their childhood and adolescence, the private names they call each other and the verbal shorthand they use to communicate. Apparently, the brothers knew each other so well that when Seth offered to pick up a sandwich for Josh, the younger sibling immediately knew that the family dog had died. Similarly, when Josh started a phone conversation by saying “I’m all right,” Seth knew those words were actually a code for, I’m alive, but this, this and this happened to me on the ski slopes today, or whatever.

     Family members aren’t the only ones who communicate like this. Good friends, spouses, romantic partners or military personnel also share a similar verbal short-hand. Words don’t even need to be spoken, yet a gesture or facial expression tells an entire story to the other party in this non-verbal exchange. An observer, someone who is not part of this immediate group, might wonder if the members are even psychic the way they finish each other’s sentences. Even spookier is when one person says something and another says, “I was just going to say that!” and you know it is true. Extra-sensory perception may or may not have a part in the fluidity of this exchange, but you can definitely chalk up the mutual understanding to shared experiences and shared subconscious knowns. Siblings are a great example of this phenomenon.

    Consider this second example of shared, familial knowns versus what we learn from non-family members (strangers). The popular detective series of the late 1980s and early 1990s, Inspector Morse, got a new spin-off a few years ago titled Endeavour. This new series follows Shaun Evans’ rookie detective constable at the start of Morse’s police career, negotiating department politics while he solves complicated murders. I think Evans is well-cast as Morse. He has the clear-blue eyes for which John Thaw’s Chief Inspector Morse was known, and the younger man has mastered Thaw’s facial expressions, posture and pattern of speech. But Thaw’s daughter, Abigail, who has a recurring role in the new series, is even more like her late father than the man who portrays him. In addition to bearing some physical resemblance to him, Ms. Thaw absolutely has that raised eyebrow, grimace, slow smile that fans remember from her father’s embodiment of “Morse.” These are not gestures that she would have had to study and learn so she could mimic them in her role, the way Evans would have had to do to convincingly portray a younger version of Inspector Morse. Rather, she would have acquired them over the years while sitting on her father’s knee listening to a story when she was a little girl or any number of casual interactions with him during a family get-together.

     Whether or not you are emotionally close to your family, if you were raised and grew up together you already share more than DNA. You also learned various behaviors and beliefs from your parent(s)/guardian(s) through the development of your suggestibility, as did your sibling(s). You learned to associate certain events or stimuli with pleasure or pain, and these experiences became the knowns that would create, support and reinforce your subconscious mental script. This process is the basis of Hypnosis Motivation Founder John Kappas, Ph.D.’s Theory of Mind and development of suggestibility. Whenever someone observes how two “like” minds think alike, I would say that is true more frequently about family members’—especially, siblings’—mental processes than that of two “strangers” such as spouses or close friends. Dr. Kappas’ Theory of Mind probably also goes a long way to explain the role of nurture in terms of contributing to our social development.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2015

What Do You Believe?

(This blog was originally posted on August 26, 2014)

    I love this quote from actress Cameron Diaz: “I know I am capable of anything because I’ve never been told otherwise.” Wow. What a powerful statement. I can almost hear and feel the confidence in her voice. Unfortunately, many people do not possess the same amount of confidence in their own abilities. Why? For the same reason that Ms. Diaz and other people have high self-esteem or high self-confidence: they learned what to believe about their abilities. 

    John Kappas, Ph.D., a psychologist and founder of the Hypnosis Motivation Institute, best explained this phenomenon in his Theory of Mind. Your subconscious mind learns and adopts behaviors and ways of thinking from a very young age. By the time you are about 5 years old the blueprint of your future beliefs and behaviors is estab­lished, based on the beliefs and behaviors you learned during those early years of your life. When you were a very small child, a caretaker believed and encouraged you to believe that anything is possible—or not. You learned by association and repetition of that activity to like and feel comfortable doing it; and every time that person or others encouraged you to participate in the activity/activities you enjoyed, your confidence and self-esteem continued to grow. Conversely, if you received negative messages (e.g., criticism and disapproval) and/or were discouraged from doing “x” your self-confidence and/or self-esteem are unlikely to be so high. For example, there is a fabulous scene in the 1981 film, Paternity, in which Burt Reynolds’ character points to a little boy riding his bicycle on a brick wall. He tells Beverly D’Angelo that the child has never fallen off that wall, but that the day he does fall it will be “the day he finds out about gravity.”

     According to Dr. Kappas, everyone carries the association and enjoyment (or not) of our specific “known” behaviors and beliefs throughout our life or until we are motivated to change this belief or behavior. Whether someone encouraged or discouraged you from doing something or believing in yourself, these patterns formed knowns in your subconscious mind and eventually became part of your subconscious life script. From then on, every time you encountered an unfamiliar situation, this script influenced whether you would attempt a challenge with confidence or bow out because you didn’t believe you could really accomplish the task at hand. Not only does your SCM store the association between those beliefs and behaviors, it also reinforces them every time you engage in that behavior or bow out of an activity. No matter how much your conscious mind dislikes or rails against the self-doubt you carry around with you, so long as your SCM is comfortable and familiar (pleasure) with this known that is what you will continue to believe.

    Your subconscious mind may know what you really want, but it is your conscious mind that possesses the will-power, decision-making, reasoning and logic to literally change your mind. I use hypnosis and therapeutic guided-imagery techniques to help my hypnotherapy clients change those unwanted or negative beliefs or behaviors that have prevented them from achieving their true potential. Hypnotherapy works because you want to make those changes, and it helps you to see and realize that anything really can be possible because you no longer tell yourself otherwise.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2015