Don't Rise to the Bait

(This blog was originally posted on August 21, 2014)

 

Photo courtesy of Fotolia

Whether it’s a colleague at work or another kid at school who is subtly or not-so-subtly challenging you, the most effective strategy to dissipate the tension between you is to ignore the taunt. Unfortunately, nothing is one of the most difficult things to do when we want to stand our ground and defend what we believe. This is even more challenging when we buy into and believe the criticism or digs someone is directing our way. Like children on the playground, adults can also get caught in a seemingly endless cycle of verbal sparring because this kind of interaction has become an established pattern between the participants. There may not be a specific reason why this behavior occurs; and for the purposes of this essay, it doesn’t even matter. The point here is the behavior and how you can prevent yourself from responding to and engaging with whatever has instigated it. 

Whenever you find yourself in a potentially negative interaction ask yourself: Is the trash talk part of your usual repertoire with this individual or individuals? If your answer is yes, consider who is instigating the negativity. Be honest! It surprises many people to realize that they may have started the argument or made the first dig without even consciously knowing or intending to do this. If you did intend to stir something up with the other person, consider your reason or reasons for doing so. Sometimes we criticize another person’s behavior or appearance, etc., because we actually disapprove of or even resent that attribute in ourselves. If your answer is no, think back to a similar, previous occasion or events in which you were the object of the other person’s animosity. How did you react in those situations? How did the other person respond to what you said or did? If this scenario has been repeated several times, it is likely that you both follow a subconscious mental script in which you trigger specific antagonistic/combative and defensive/combative responses in each other. 

Even if this behavior has become a habit, the good news is that you both can unlearn it and rewrite your mental scripts to create a more constructive way of interacting. Do not use or waste this time and your energy trying to come up with a clever retort to the other person’s taunt, either. Any temporary pleasure you may feel when you say it will be overshadowed by the fact that your quip will only reinforce the unwanted behavior you’re trying to get rid of and the other person’s negative behavior toward you. The easiest way to start changing the original pattern is simple: just do not respond to that dig or verbal jab. Instead, draw a deep breath through the nose and hold it to the count of four and then exhale the breath through your mouth. As you inhale, visualize, imagine, picture or pretend that you are inhaling calm, focus, patience and any word that you associate with feeling powerful, in control, and loving or benevolent. Then when you exhale, imagine that you are releasing from your body every last bit of anger, stress, frustration or negative energy or emotion that you feel about the other person and/or this situation. 

For all intents and purposes, you are in a kind of “relationship” with the other person or people with whom you share this behavior. Like any other relationship in your life, this one is also subject to the principles behind the Systems Approach, whereby you cannot separate one component of the system from the sub-total or entire system. According to John Kappas, Ph.D., the founder of the Hypnosis Motivation Institute, changing your behavior in the relationship—i.e., no longer respond to comments or communicate with the other party the way you used to—will necessarily affect the basic structure of the relationship or system and create resistance within it. The ultimate goal of applying the Systems Approach in hypnotherapy is to bring the System (relationship) back into balance. However, if that system is no longer working for you and the other party or parties is unwilling to change their behavior to restore this balance, the relationship as it stands will not survive. Under those circumstances, you may ultimately find that leaving the toxic relationship and combative social environment is the better option anyway.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2015

How to Deal With the Naysayer

Photo courtesy of Microsoft

 

                Every so often, we have to interact with somebody who holds very different beliefs than we do. In fact, this person seems so negative about absolutely everything that is suggested, we can’t wait to get as far away from this individual as we can, as fast as we can. Sometimes we even feel compelled to shoot back a few critical comments (in our defense) on the way out the door. To add insult to injury, we still sense that prickling cloud of negative energy swirling around this new environment long after we have achieved quite a bit of distance from the person. We wonder: Why did he say that? Why is she always so negative? Am I the only optimist left in the world?

                The most effective defense against negativity is to simply not react to the criticism/insult/sarcastic comment. I know how hard this can be, especially when you must deal with that person on a regular basis (e.g., a colleague or family member). Remember: energy attracts like energy. When someone criticizes you in a non-constructive/mean way, the most effective way to defuse the negative situation is to smile and thank him or her for pointing “x” out to you. Then (politely) leave the conversation or room. If you cannot extricate yourself from the situation, imagine that the “criticism” or insult was spoken in a soft, gentle voice with loving words and try the following imagery exercises:

·         Visualize, imagine, picture or pretend that you are wrapping delicate threads of protective energy around your body, from the top of your head to the tips of your toes. These threads are gold and silver light, thinner but stronger than anything that exists in the world. As they wrap around your body, you notice how relaxed you begin to feel; and the more relaxed you feel, the more patient and loving you are toward the person(s) who is hurting your feelings. With each deep breath you take, these strands of gold and silver light grow stronger and stronger and wind more tightly around your body to create an invisible shield that prevents any negative energy to attach itself to you. Each time you exhale, the negative energy bounces right off you and dissolves into the universe where it can no longer affect you or anyone else.

·         Visualize, imagine, picture or pretend that you are surrounded by very powerful, invisible magnets. Usually, these magnets are used to attract positive energy and emotions and increase your self-confidence to motivate you as you pursue your goals. If/when you notice that you are surrounded by negativity or your subconscious mind gets stuck repeating a self-critical mental script, simply “reverse” those magnets to push the negative energy away from you.

There is no excuse for being rude or mean when you criticize someone. In an ideal world, a criticism should and would always be a teachable moment. Even if it is disappointing to learn that your brilliant idea has many flaws, if you correct those mistakes as suggested, your project could be great. Take a few deep breaths to tamp down that urge to protest in defense and give the other person the benefit of the doubt. No matter how the words came out or the tone of voice the person said it in, on second thoughts you may realize that he or she is speaking from personal experience and actually has your best interest at heart. And if this isn’t the case, feel confident and respect yourself to follow your original path to achieve your goal, your way.

 

 

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/