Parental Guidance

Photo courtesy of Microsoft

 

                Little kids are like sponges. They literally absorb every piece of information around them. Good or bad, if a child sees or hears something he or she is likely to imitate or repeat the behavior at the first opportunity. Like their adult counterparts, they have come into the world not knowing anything except the reactions to a fear of falling and of loud noises. Over time, they will learn countless behaviors and beliefs by association and repetition of those same behaviors and beliefs they have observed in people around them. As children, we learn attitudes and behaviors from our primary caretaker (usually mom) that are likely to stay with us throughout our lifetime. This is Theory of Mind.

                A couple of things in the media have recently really caught my attention because they are real-life examples of Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder John Kappas, Ph.D.’s model. In the first, a television advertisement depicts a man and his young son hanging out together for the day. The little boy imitates everything his dad does from the way the adult crosses his legs to how he brushes his teeth. At one point, the father looks over at his son sitting beside him on the sofa eating potato chips right out of the bag just like he is. It is as if a light-bulb goes on in the father’s head: he suddenly gets up, turns off the TV and goes into the kitchen with his son to prepare a cooked meal.

                In the second example, this morning a radio talk-show host discussed a recent news story in which a popular young television actress has reportedly filed a restraining order against her alleged abusive boyfriend. Apparently, the young man had been physically and verbally abusive toward her throughout their relationship. During the course of his report, the host issued his own impromptu, loving “warning” to his daughter and her boyfriend. He told them that as the teenage girl’s dad, would not tolerate anyone mistreating his daughter in any way for one day, let alone four years. He ended the segment by observing that both loving/considerate and abusive/inconsiderate behaviors are learned. Of course, if his daughter’s boyfriend really ever did mistreat her, it might not be productive to contact the boyfriend’s dad to “break up with” the other boy. After all, he mused, when and where/from whom was the kid must likely to have learned that abusive behavior was okay?

I can’t remember what—if any—product was being marketed in the advertisement I described at the beginning of this blog. That didn’t matter to me, because the ultimate message viewers would receive is that parents or guardians must provide a healthy, loving role model for the children around them. When kids see the adults in their lives eating healthy foods, exercising or playing sports, and communicating with them and each other, they are more likely to imitate these positive behaviors. When a parent quits smoking cigarettes and cuts out unhealthy snacks in his or her own life, this is also a positive example. It shows the child that he or she “walks the walk” of the healthy lifestyle behavior that the parent is encouraging for the rest of the family. Similarly, children can (and do) just as easily pick up negative behaviors when the adult makes unhealthy lifestyle choices or is emotionally and/or physically abusive to other people in the environment. Regardless of which behavior is consciously or subconsciously (and perhaps unintentionally) taught or encouraged in the home, every time the child repeats this belief or action it becomes more firmly entrenched in his or her own subconscious life script.

As the grown-ups in our kids’ lives, it is up to us to be an example of the adults we would like them to become.

 

 
 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

Teeth Grinding

Photo courtesy of Microsoft

Teeth-grinding is a physical manifestation of an emotion that
you are unable or unwilling to express.

 

According to John Kappas, Ph.D., whenever a person represses or holds in (does not express) an emotion the displaced energy from that experience is converted into a physical “symptom” of that emotional trauma. Even though there are no nerve endings in the brain, emotions in the brain through our perceptions (e.g., smell, taste, sight, hearing, touch). Electric impulses carry this information through the body and begin to manifest physical discomfort in those areas that are specifically associated with a certain repressed emotion, the Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder stated.

Teeth grinding is a common manifestation of a Crying Syndrome, whose symptoms affect the neck, chest and head. This behavior is usually done at night while you are asleep, and can result in damage to the teeth or even to the jaw. A component of the “body syndrome” model, Dr. Kappas believed that a client who grinds his or her teeth usually knows why this behavior occurs. In other words, the teeth-grinding behavior is a physical manifestation or symptom of an emotion that the person is unable or unwilling to express verbally. Consequently, a direct suggestion can be provided during hypnosis to stop this behavior. “Your teeth will stop grinding back and forth to express [Problem X]. When you express your feelings, you won’t need to grind your teeth anymore,” the Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder advised.

As a certified hypnotherapist, it is out of my scope of expertise to diagnose an illness or to recognize/identify specific symptoms that have a psychological or physiological basis. Therefore, I do and will refer clients to an appropriate licensed medical or psychology professional to determine the cause and/or treat that specific physical symptom that. However, once this other expert has ruled out a medical etiology of your symptom, with a follow-up referral from that licensed professional, I can continue to work with you in hypnotherapy, which can provide complementary therapeutic benefits and help to alleviate and/or control these symptoms and help you to pursue and achieve your vocational and avocational self-improvement goals.

 

 

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

 

 

 

“Good” Girls and “Bad” Boys

“Disobedience is my joy.” Princess Margaret of England (1930-2002)

 

                The lyrics of the 19^th Century nursery rhyme titled “What Are Little Boys Made of?” proclaim that little girls are made of “sugar and spice and all things nice.” On the other hand, so says the poem, little boys are made of “snips and snails and puppy dog tails.” Not only is this attitude about boys very mean-spirited, it is also an inaccurate and unfair portrayal of both sexes’ behavior. No one is generally good all of the time; and no one is generally bad. Human behavior varies along a sliding scale that can fluctuate from day to day. So, why don’t social expectations about girls being “good” and boys being “bad” seem to change? Moreover, why is it more socially acceptable for a male than a female to not be good all the time?

                Why do people believe—and encourage others (future generations) to believe—that this dichotomy is a good thing? Perhaps my question isn’t about social acceptability but subconscious knowns. At some point during our lifetime, probably when we were very little children, we learned a belief/attitude and behavior that we practiced over and over, until it became a subconscious life script. Little girls sit with crossed legs and like to play with dolls? Check. Little boys pull pranks on their sisters and prefer rough play? Check. We see someone model these behaviors and we are rewarded for doing that, too.

The thing about these kinds of stereotypes is that they establish false expectations about how most people generally behave in the real world. Fairy tales about young women languishing in a tower just waiting for a dashing prince to rescue them from an uncertain fate so they can live happily ever after is incredibly detrimental to their self-esteem and self-confidence. Who says the woman couldn’t or shouldn’t be able to do something to rescue herself? After all, Maggie Q’s portrayal of the title character in Nikita, Scandal’s Olivia Pope and virtually every female in Game of Thrones take matters into their own hands to create their own fate in every episode. Why shouldn’t we encourage modern females to model and emulate their smarts, strength and emotional fortitude? Oh, right. Because these women may not always do the socially acceptable correct and expected thing; sometimes, like their bad-boy counterparts, they go a little rogue to get the job done.

Meanwhile, many of us follow the media’s lead in practically glorifying the “bad boy” motif. Gloria Estefan sings about them. Movies and television series fashion them as veritable demi-gods. As I recall, Jake Ryan—Molly Ringwold’s character’s crush in Sixteen Candles—was supposed to have been one (sort of). Last night, television audiences learned in the season finale of Dallas, J.R. Ewing—the man everyone “loved” to hate on the original series—has a self-proclaimed rival in his son John Ross. Even the POTUS on Scandal has immoral (and some criminal) tendencies. Finally: hands up, Vampire Diaries fans, if you think Damon Salvatore is much more fun than his brother Stefan. Nonetheless, no matter what dastardly deeds they have done or plan to do, they somehow, typically end up winning the day. Furthermore, no matter what evil these men unleash on their family, friends or foes, audiences just want more of the same. Maybe that’s because we want to live vicariously through their misbehavior. As for the women in these men’s lives, well…they’re turning out to have darker side, too.

Not a “bad” side; just a more realistic one.  

 

  

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

 

Defense Mechnanisms: Projection and Projection Identification

 
 

                Defense mechanisms are strategies to cope with a stressful situation in our lives. Furthermore, at some point in our lives almost everyone uses one to ameliorate an undesirable reaction to an unpleasant circumstance. However, these defense mechanisms provide us only a temporary perception of control over the environment. Eventually, we have to deal with and resolve the primary issue that has triggered the defense mechanism in order to achieve personal growth.

A common defense mechanism for handling a distressing situation is to direct our attention and project blame for our emotions about the stressful situation onto other people. For example, an individual may accuse a colleague of “hating” her for no reason when the accuser is the person who actually holds the negative feelings toward that other woman (projection). Or, a man who is tempted to be unfaithful in a relationship may suspect or even blame his spouse of infidelity (projection identification). Why go to these extremes and just admit the truth?

                These (and all other) defense mechanisms share four common traits: 1) they are unconscious; 2) they are self-deceptive; 3) they contain elements of denial; 4) they distort reality through thoughts and action. Their primarily role is to protect the subconscious mind from what it perceives as a threat or “pain.” In this case, the pain would be caused by our peers negatively judging our attitudes or behavior that contradicts acceptable beliefs or behaviors: e.g., unethical behavior or unacceptable feelings toward others. Rather than risk this negative response, accusing someone else of engaging in the undesirable behavior not only protects us but may even attract further (and deeper) acceptance and support from our social group.

According to John Kappas, Ph.D.’s Theory of Mind, we are all subconsciously motivated to maintain and/or restore a known physical and emotional status of comfort and security. In this case, social acceptance represents pleasure, whereas criticism and potential rejection from our peers are pain. Since the SCM is motivated and even programmed to seek the pleasure stimuli, we may adopt these defense mechanisms to literally “defend” against potential social rejection (pain). By creating an imagined scenario such as perceived persecution by a peer or spousal infidelity, the SCM enables us to rail against an imagined threat to help control the unwanted emotions we feel at that moment.

 

 

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014

Energy Exchange

(This blog was originally posted on January 3, 2014)

Photo courtesy of Microsoft

 

                Perhaps you have heard or even used one of these expressions: “He has great energy”; “You give off a good vibe”; “there is a charge in the air when you’re around”; “she rubs me the wrong way”; “I have a very bad feeling about this”; or, “I feel very comfortable when I am around you.” These are just a few examples of how people experience emotional energy in their environment.

                I am not talking about energy in the context of lightning or electricity as depicted in the photo that accompanies this blog. Rather, “energy” in this context refers to that primal and subconscious reaction to another person or a situation. This reaction may be one of attraction or repulsion; it may change (positively or negatively) over time. Whenever energy is very big and not controlled, even positive energy can overwhelm, confuse and frustrate you. Low energy can make you feel depressed, anxious and suffocated. The great thing about energy in either context is that you have the power to change (raise or lower) it so you feel more relaxed and comfortable. Here are a few easy techniques to help you do this.

·         Square breathe. Draw a deep breath through your nose and hold it for the count of 4, 3, 2, 1…and release the breath slowly through the mouth. Continue breathing like this to/until you feel centered (relaxed, patient, focused and confident) to deal with the person or situation that is affecting you.

·         Use these seconds that you are drawing and expelling each cleansing breath to think about what you will say or do in response to the emotionally charged person you are dealing with and/or to actually change the energy around you.

·         If you feel overwhelmed (negatively or positively) by the energy around you, hold your right (or left) forearm in front of you and make a quick slicing motion in front of you. (You can also perform this action to each side and behind your body.) I use this technique every time I conclude a Reiki (energy) healing session to ensure that I separate from the other person or animal’s energy, when we are done. You should immediately notice a sensation of release and greater relaxation once you have literally cut off the connection with the intrusive energy.

·         Match your level of activity (tone and cadence of speech, intensity of the same behavior, etc.) and then slowly, gradually start to lower or raise your level of energy. As you change your energy level, the other person(s) will subconsciously start to match your behavior in a similar way to how you consciously matched their behavior to effect this change.

 

 

 Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/

Hypnotherapy and a Different Perspective

Photo courtesy of Microsoft
 

Approximately two weeks ago, the local news reported that a white cobra was loose in a neighborhood in Thousand Oaks, California. Residents responded to this information in various ways. Many were understandably frightened by the prospect of having an exotic, venomous snake potentially slithering around their property and told reporters that they would secure their livestock in barns and keep domestic pets inside until it was caught. Others seemed to take a more measured approach, explaining how they would continue to live their lives as usual but would avoid areas where the snake was last seen or biologists warned it might hide. Another person (or persons) even went to social media and created a Twitter account for the cobra so the snake could post updates on its whereabouts and, presumably, add some levity to a very tense situation.

I was surprised that my reaction to the news that a cobra was loose in a local neighborhood was one of curiosity rather than terror. If I lived anywhere near where the snake had been spotted or if I kept my horse out there, I probably would have been beside myself with anxiety and concern. My subconscious mental script was already familiar with the idea that venomous snakes live in Southern California: anyone who owns or rides horses here knows to be on the lookout for rattlesnakes hiding in a hay barn or slithering across the path on a trail. Of course, the idea of a lethal exotic (and comparatively rare) snake slithering around a suburban neighborhood is a different story.

But ever since I earned my hypnotherapy certification in 2005, my attitude and expectations about various situations I have encountered during my life have changed. As soon as I heard about the loose cobra, I was quickly able to activate the reasoning, logic, will-power and decision-making faculties in my conscious mind to determine whether I or anyone I knew was in immediate danger: No. Even if I had been, past experience dealing with animal control and law-enforcement officers reassured me that these professionals were trained to deal with various threats, including unexpected ones posed by wild animals that the average citizens probably never consider. I was confident that I could have put my trust and faith in their recommendations to keep myself and my animals out of its way until it was caught. Also, I trusted that the survival instinct in my (and just about every other person’s) subconscious mind was strong enough to avoid unnecessary risk and avoid areas where I knew/heard the animal had last been seen or was likely to hide.

Something else helped me take a more measured perspective about the possible danger posed by that cobra.  I knew various mental tools with which I could re-frame what I initially believed to be a no-win situation and turn it into an opportunity to learn something new: i.e., look up information about the biology and natural habitat of cobras. That kind of lesson would be far more beneficial for me than indulging in toxic worry about a situation over which I and most of the residents of that Thousand Oaks neighborhood had little control.

Fortunately, the snake was safely caught and removed from that community the next day and no humans or animals were victims of its lethal bite. Another positive thing to come out of this situation is that everyone who was affected by this experience now has a new “known” in his or her repertoire of mental scripts. While it is unlikely any Southern California residents will have to deal with another cobra loitering by their swimming pool, if this scenario is ever repeated, we will have some idea what to expect and how to handle the situation.

 

 

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/

Keys to Happiness

Photo courtesy of Microsoft

                I recently saw a trailer for a new film titled Hector and the Search for Happiness.  In it, a psychiatrist travels around the world to discover the true meaning of the apparently elusive emotion in his life. The premise of this movie intrigued me, and I started to think about the sources and definition of happiness in my own life. For example, Spending time with my friends and family and riding and hanging out with my horse makes me very, very happy. The sound of raindrops beating on the roof and against my windowpanes makes me happy. So does chocolate ice cream and the idea of Thursday night (because I have the whole weekend to look forward to).

                But are those things true happiness? Is it the blush of first love, a new baby, an expensive car? How do you recognize it when happiness is in your grasp to experience? Maybe it has a smell or sound or texture that I have never consciously noticed. If so, how do you or I know if we have missed our chance to be happy? Or, do we only know that you are happy because we are not experiencing other emotions that we associate with experiences that we associate with familiar, challenging negative experiences in our daily life? In that case, the subconscious mind would likely associate financial insecurity/unemployment, physical illness, etc. as a part of your subconscious life script. No matter how challenging and stressful these experiences may be, the SCM will accept them because they are familiar, comforting and known; conversely, will likely reject or avoid any other experience that evokes an opposite emotional reaction such as happiness, which is unknown and therefore painful.

These questions let me to consider that more existential question which would likely be addressed in the film: How did I (or anyone) even know what happiness is, to be able to identify any emotion as such? Even talk-show radio personality Dennis Prager addresses how hard a person must work to achieve this state in his self-help book titled Happiness is a Serious Problem. To be honest, puzzling over this question began to make me feel agitated, unsure and uncomfortable—the opposite of happy.

                Eventually, my thoughts drifted to Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder Dr. John Kappas’s Theory of Mind concept. It posits that human behavior is based on the subconscious mental scripts that we create during early childhood. Furthermore, since fear of falling and fear of loud noises is the only emotion (or reaction to emotions) that human beings are born with, we must learn what happiness is and create our own and individual associations with it. Put in this context, I concluded that there must be countless definitions of and explanations for happiness—which made me feel much better.

                Dare I say it? It made me feel happy.

 

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014