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Friday, September 17, 2021

Mutts© Comics and the Systems Approach: Saving Crabby and Mrs. Crabby's Marriage

To minimize risk of exposure to and spread of the COVID-19 virus and COVID-19 variants, I am continuing to suspend in-person hypnotherapy sessions with me in my office. Meanwhile, phone, and Zoom consultations ARE and WILL REMAIN AVAILABLE!

(This blog was originally posted on August 15, 2014)

Photo by Rick Hustead

I am a devoted fan of Patrick McDonnell’s Mutts© comic strip. During the week of August 11-August 14, 2014, two of the regular “seaside” characters, Crabby and Mrs. Crabby, were having a marital crisis. Not only was the king crab feeling “happy” and content, he had suddenly become very kind and even solicitous to his wife. Mrs. Crabby was beside herself with worry because she had no idea how to deal with his sudden change in behavior or attitude. She literally did not “know” her husband since he was no longer grumpy and complaining. The Crabby relationship was in jeopardy because the basic system of their marriage had been disrupted.

The source or reason for Crabby’s sudden attitude change wasn’t revealed; it didn’t matter that his gentler, more considerate nature might have ultimately improved the overall quality of their communication their relationship. Remember, doesn’t even matter if the “change” is for the better and could even improve the overall quality of their interactions or communication. According to John Kappas, Ph.D.’s Theory of Mind, anything new is unknown and, therefore, painful. This behavior was very painful to him and Mrs. Crabby—so painful, in fact, that they had to enlist the help of a marriage counselor (an octopus) to help restore the usual status quo and save their relationship.

Right away, I knew that a Systems Theory Approach would be the most effective way to address this conflict. The basic premise of the Systems Approach is: every component of a social/emotional system affects the entire system. Whenever one member of that social system changes his or her behavior in any way, that change could still destroy the relationship if the other parties are resistant toward it. The ultimate goal of a Systems Approach is to bring the original System back into balance.

According to Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder, this approach infiltrates all areas of therapy regardless of what the client’s problem or issue happens to be. Even if only one member of the family or one spouse or partner in a relationship is seeking therapy, that issue must be dealt with within the context of the client’s own system. Therefore, the hypnotherapist must address components in the person’s work, relationships, family past, the hypnotherapy he or she is receiving, plus aspects of the entire social system or relationship. If these other issues aren’t taken into account, the therapy won’t be successful and only the issue being addressed in therapy will be “treated” (improved or eliminated) per the client’s goal, Dr. Kappas warned.

The presenting issue of Crabby and Mrs. Crabby’s case was marital accord, a complete aberration of their normal interactions. If the (hypno)therapist doesn’t keep Mrs. Crabby in mind during the therapy, she is liable to walk out of the marriage because she has not been taken into account within the “system.” Fortunately, both of these spouses were willing to come in for (hypno)therapy to work on their marital issues and learned some techniques to help them restore the natural balance of the relationship.

I am pleased to report that the “therapy” worked, Crabby is back to being his usual “crabby” self and he and Mrs. Crabby is delighted with the results! You can read about their relationship in the Mutts comics website.

Special Offer: Discount on the First Hypnotherapy Session for Active/Retired

Military Personnel & First Responders

Special Offer: 25 percent discount (that is $50!) off the first hypnotherapy session for all active/retired military personnel and first responders (police, fire-fighters, EMT/paramedics, ambulance personnel, emergency dispatchers, ER physicians and nurses, COVID-19 Ward staff).

This offer may not be combined with any other discount or discount package. It is not redeemable for cash.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. Sara has been voted the Best Hypnotherapist in Santa Clarita, California, three years in a row (July 2019, September 2020, July 2021). For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

Tuesday, September 14, 2021

Accept the Apology You Never Received

(This blog was originally posted on June 2, 2016)

“Don’t let yourself go/’Cause everybody cries/And everybody hurts sometimes.” – R.E.M.

Photo by Rick Hustead

During the course of a lifetime, it is unlikely that many of us will never be hurt—emotionally if not physically—by someone we care about. Whether it’s a verbal slight, cruel teasing, bullying, or a physical or sexual assault, emotional and even physical pain can be caused. To add insult to the injury, the person who hurt you may never offer a genuine apology for or show remorse about this behavior. But that doesn’t mean you can’t act “as if” one has been offered so we can get on with our lives. Following are some techniques I teach my hypnotherapy clients that can facilitate this process.

Write a letter to the person who hurt you. Explain or describe how that individual’s actions/behavior made you feel. Even if you never send this letter to the person, the process of writing this letter enables you to vent/release unexpressed emotions. Be sure to include information about how strong/loving/confident, etc. you still are and always will be, regardless of this incident or exchange.
Write a letter from the person who hurt you. In this letter, write the things you want to know about what happened. Why did the person say or do that hurtful thing? Remember, this is an explanation, not an excuse. What could the person say to help you believe this apology is genuine? Even if you are/do not feel ready to forgive this action—and you certainly don’t have to be—use the words, phrases, expressions that you wish this person would say to you to express his or her contrition. Be sure to write this letter at night before you go to bed, so the subconscious mind can more easily accept and integrate this information. You know what you need to hear, so go ahead and say/write what will make you feel better. The subconscious mind doesn’t know the difference between an actual or imaginary apology, and will accept this information as real.
Imagery and Hypnosis. After these letters are written, the positive/self-affirming messages in the text can be incorporated into a hypnotic script to help you let go of the negative situation. One of my favorite imagery journeys for this kind of situation has the client imagine that he or she is climbing a mountain. Eventually and gradually, the person drops or removes any heavy burdens (i.e., this pain or hurt) the individual doesn’t want to carry around anymore and enjoy the freedom of being finally free of this emotional burden.
Systematic Desensitization. While you are in hypnosis, I desensitize you to the various aspects/triggers of the pain and disappointment you may still be carrying around. I will also teach you diaphragmatic breathing and help you create an emotional anchor so you can return to this extremely relaxed state whenever needed.

For more information about the concept of letting go of previous (emotional) burdens, I invite to read my blog titled, Why Are You Still Carrying It?

Special Offer: Discount on the First Hypnotherapy Session for Active/Retired

Military Personnel & First Responders

This offer may not be combined with any other discount or discount package. It is not redeemable for cash.

Thursday, September 9, 2021

Progress at Your Own Speed

(This blog was originally posted on February 12, 2015)

Photo by Rick Hustead

Opportunities and events rarely just drop into our laps. An immediate, successful outcome is not guaranteed. Usually we must put in a lot of work and have a lot of motivation to reach a goal or milestone. Days, weeks, months and even years can pass without making any obvious progress toward our goal. During that time it is easy to become frustrated and even disillusioned about when/whether/if we will ever get our “break.” Sometimes life even steps in and replaces the original goal and desired outcome with something better than you could have ever dreamed of.

Recently, my dad commented (again) how excellent it was that actor Benedict Cumberbatch has enjoyed such great success in the film industry. However, he has certainly been paying his dues as an actor for many years—mostly on stage in Britain and some roles in television movies and series in Britain and in America. Receiving an Oscar nod for his portrayal of Alan Turing in The Imitation Game, well, that’s quite an endorsement for the Sherlock star’s acting chops, is it not? Of course, Mr. Cumberbatch’s story is not one of overnight success, at all. Do you remember his very minor role as a cavalry officer in Steven Spielberg’s (2011) film, War Horse? As he landed roles in bigger projects, it just seemed like he suddenly popped out of the woodwork. He had the lead role in the film about Julian Assange and a role in August: Osage County, a major film starring Meryl Streep and Julia Roberts. He even voiced the dragon in a recent Lord of the Rings movie.

Meanwhile, actress Julianne Moore has been acting in and headlining films for approximately twenty-five years. She has received five Academy Award nominations, including her current nod for Still Alice. It seems likely that she will finally win a long-overdue Oscar this year, so say Hollywood pundits, but who knows? Meanwhile, Ms. Moore carries on promoting the movie and working and perfecting her craft.

And, what about the unexpected play that New England Patriot cornerback Malcolm Butler made during the Super Bowl XLIX? Just when it looked like Seattle Seahawk’s wide receiver, Ricardo Lockette, was about to catch the touchdown-winning pass in the end zone in the last few minutes of the game, Butler jumped up and grabbed the ball instead. Suddenly, the comfortable 10-point—and then manageable three-point—lead that the Seahawks had been enjoying through most of the second half of the game was reduced to a four-point deficit from which Seattle would not be able to overcome. Throughout the game, both teams had played hard and made strategic mistakes that could have changed the outcome, but there was no denying that the Patriots constantly continued working and fighting for those winning points. Their unbeatable lead may not have happened as early in the game as New England would have liked, but their never-surrender attitude and determination to win ultimately paid off in the end.

One of the biggest challenges many of us face is being patient with ourselves as we strive to accomplish something. As you pursue that promotion at work are you compromising your health by getting little or no sleep and poor nutrition? The physical consequences of these behaviors could affect your perception, mood and ability to focus or problem-solve, which could inadvertently jeopardize your chances of being promoted. Are you so focused on completing a project that you neglect relationships with or responsibility to family or friends? Are you so focused on attracting that perfect partner that you pay no attention to your professional goals and other social bonds? Where and how will your goal, once it is accomplished, fit and balance with other important areas of your life?

Special Offer: Discount on the First Hypnotherapy Session for Active/Retired

Military Personnel & First Responders

25 percent discount (that is $50!) off the first hypnotherapy session for all active/retired military personnel and first responders (police, fire-fighters, EMT/paramedics, ambulance personnel, emergency dispatchers, ER physicians and nurses, COVID-19 Ward staff).

This offer may not be combined with any other discount or discount package. It is not redeemable for cash.

Wednesday, September 8, 2021

Mimicry. Imitation. Communication.

(This blog was originally posted on September 2, 2014)

Photo of Jon Bon Jovi, by Jennifer Berkowitz

I recently witnessed something very interesting. While I was hanging out with my horse yesterday, a crow sitting on a branch in the tree beside me started to imitate the “honk” of some geese that belong to a next door to my trainer’s property. I know that crows are exceptionally bright, but I have never seen or heard anything like that. I don’t believe that this was just a case of mimicry, either: the crow deliberately honked to the goose several times as if trying to get the other bird’s attention. When it finally responded, the crow honked right back a few times and then waited for the goose to communicate again. Meanwhile, another crow nearby cawed at the original one in the tree; the first crow responded in kind a few times and then resumed its calls to the goose. How cool is that?

This incident made me think about the different ways people imitate another person’s voices in speech and in song. Not just the words someone else says but also even the tone, pitch, rhythm/cadence of the words and even regional dialect or accent. Why do we do this, and how—and when—do we know that we are getting it right? For example, when I lived in England while I worked on my post-graduate degree, I gradually developed a slight lilt in my voice. I didn’t notice this change in my speech until I returned to the United States and people commented that I had developed a cool accent while I was away. This change made perfect sense, as the people with whom I worked, lived and socialized were British; over time, my subconscious mind accepted these accents as a new known and I eventually adopted it (or a version of it) as my own.

Similarly, I often sing along when a favorite song comes on the radio or my iPod. My conscious mind knows that I do not sound anything Celine Dion, Annie Lennox, Katy Perry, Bon Jovi or Tim McGraw, but I still try to imitate those singers’ voices when I’m singing along to their songs. Why won’t my subconscious mind let me give up that ghost and sing without trying to sound like someone I’m not? Even when I consciously try to sing in my own voice, in the back of my mind I can still imagine hearing what one of those performers sound like and I catch myself trying to sing the same way.

My answer to that question may be found in Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder John Kappas, Ph.D.’s Theory of Mind. Dr. Kappas stated that from the moment we are born we start to develop a subconscious life script by learning specific behaviors through association and identification. Even though most of this script is written by the time we are about eight years old, the mind continues to take in more information which the subconscious mind may accept or reject. For example, we learned how to talk by associating and identifying specific words that a primary caretaker taught us, and then we imitated this behavior (e.g., how to move our mouths to create words) to speak. Over time, we also modeled other people to learn and correct our pronunciation and increase our vocabulary. Many parents or caretakers sing to their young children, which may explain people’s fondness for listening to music and singing, or participating in these activities ourselves. And, just like we did when we learned how to speak, once we learn the words to a song we like we subconsciously imitate the way the singer performs the lyrics.

I wonder if the crow I observed yesterday was unintentionally imitating the neighbor’s goose to communicate with the other bird the same way humans do in speech and song.

Special Offer: Discount on the First Hypnotherapy Session for Active/Retired

Military Personnel & First Responders

This offer may not be combined with any other discount or discount package. It is not redeemable for cash.

Tuesday, September 7, 2021

The Best Time to Write Affirmations

(This blog was originally posted on January 6, 2014)

Photo courtesy of Microsoft

A lot of people write affirmations to reinforce positive behaviors and attitudes that they have adopted to change and improve their lives. I write affirmations, and I encourage my hypnotherapy clients to do this as well.

The best time to write affirmations is 30 minutes after you wake up or 30 minutes before you drift off to sleep. These times are important because this is when your subconscious mind is most receptive to these messages. The subconscious mind does not know the difference between fantasy and reality, negative and positive, so be sure to use positive imagery and words that will reinforce your positive behaviors and attitudes. I also advise my clients to not watch or listen to the news or any programs/broadcasts that may contain negative or violent messages/imagery before bed.

Special Offer: Discount on the First Hypnotherapy Session for Active/Retired

Military Personnel & First Responders

This offer may not be combined with any other discount or discount package. It is not redeemable for cash.

Friday, September 3, 2021

Getting Control in the Relationship

(This blog was originally posted on April 4, 2016)

Image courtesy of Microsoft

When it comes to relationships, Physical Sexual and Emotional Sexual partners have very different needs and desires. A Physical Sexual controls the Emotional Sexual partner with guilt. Relationships are very important to this personality, and if the relationship ever seems to be in jeopardy the Physical Sexual will do just about anything to rescue and preserve the relationship.

Whereas the Physical Sexual experiences very little guilt, the Emotional Sexual partner is laden with it, observed Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder Dr. John Kappas. Therefore, to maintain control in the relationship, the Physical Sexual partner must never release that hold until the person gets what he or she wants, he advised. The Physical Sexual is also easily hurt, such as in instances of betrayal, and can be vindictive. “They really hold onto that hurt,” he said.

Conversely, the Emotional Sexual controls a Physical Sexual partner by rejection or withholding emotion. The Emotional Sexual tends to be defensive and protective, and generally has difficulty expressing his or her true feelings, Dr. Kappas explained. Furthermore, the Emotional Sexual also gets over failed relationships fairly quickly. This personality tends to need more spare and does not place as high a priority on relationships as the Physical Sexual tends to do. The more the Emotional Sexual withdraws to create more space for him- or herself in the relationship, the more desperate the Physical becomes to reconnect. Paradoxically, this behavior only irritates the Emotional Sexual partner, and he or she tends to withdraw from the partner even more.

Sex is another area where the Emotional and Physical partners tend to try to control each other, the hypnotherapist pointed out. Both male and female Physical Sexual partners crave closeness after intercourse, but an Emotional Sexual male wants to get his orgasm over with and move on to something else. Whereas a Physical Sexual female wants her partner to “prove” that he cares about her through intimacy, a Physical Sexual male can control his partner through his release (ejaculation), Dr. Kappas said. Finally, the Emotional Sexual female wants to figure out how to manipulate or control her Physically Sexual male partner.

“It’s a lot easier for a hypnotherapist to work with couples where there’s an Emotional Sexual female and a Physical Sexual male, because it’s easier to ‘mold’ the Emotional Sexual female than it is to mold the Emotional Sexual male. Plus, she suffers a lot of guilt,” Dr. Kappas said.

For more information about how to address the Emotional Sexual and Physical Sexual personalities’ response to rejection, I invite you to check out my blog titled, Dealing With Rejection in Hypnotherapy.

Special Offer: Discount on the First Hypnotherapy Session for Active/Retired

Military Personnel & First Responders

This offer may not be combined with any other discount or discount package. It is not redeemable for cash.

Wednesday, September 1, 2021

Dealing With Traumatic Memories

(This blog was originally posted on April 20, 2016)

Photo by Rick Hustead

“Negative moments get remembered. Traumatic ones get forgotten.”

– Leaving Time, Jodi Picoult

One of the great things about the mind is its capacity to help us deal with a painful or even traumatic event in our lives. On the one hand, the plasticity of the brain enables us to adapt to an uncomfortable environment and learn lessons from that experience to avoid getting into a similar situation in the future. On the other hand, the mind also naturally knows how to block out and even forget the memory of that event so we can continue to function and fulfill daily activities to facilitate our basic survival. In other words, this kind of case-specific amnesia functions like a life-saving balm.

For example: someone contacts me for hypnotherapy to overcome an intense fear of driving and being in a vehicle following a serious car crash. This person knows the facts about what happened but does not remember anything about the collision or the moments immediately afterward when firefighters had to cut him out of the vehicle with Jaws-of-Life equipment. That is okay. I do not need to know these details to create an effective hypnotic script that will help to increase the client’s comfort and self-confidence while driving or being in a car. In fact, this gap in the client’s conscious awareness of the crash facilitates the physiological and psychological healing process as he works toward achieving the avocational self-improvement goal of being comfortable behind the wheel.

Consequently, I do not use age-regression hypnosis to help a client access a repressed memory following a traumatic event. Doing so would be similar to ripping a scab off of a deep abrasion before the original wound has had a chance to heal. If and when the person is emotionally, physically and even spiritually ready to address what happened, these memories are likely to return organically in spontaneous flashes of recollection or through dreams. If and when that happens, I can use various hypnosis, therapeutic guided imagery and neuro-linguistic programming techniques to help the individual become desensitized to and deal with how these memories and consequences of this event. It may also be necessary to refer the client to a licensed mental-health provider and/or a physician for additional assessment and care if this issue falls outside of the scope of my expertise as a certified hypnotherapist.

Special Offer: Discount on the First Hypnotherapy Session for Active/Retired

Military Personnel & First Responders

This offer may not be combined with any other discount or discount package. It is not redeemable for cash.