Moving On, Part 2

I am continuing to suspend in-person hypnotherapy sessions with me in my office. However, phone, and Zoom consultations ARE and WILL REMAIN AVAILABLE! 

 

(This blog was originally posted on August 4, 2014)

Image courtesy of Microsoft

 

In 1967, psychiatrists Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe conducted a study to identify which stressful life events cause physical illness.¹ They published the results of this study as the Social Readjustment Rating Scale. It comes as little or no surprise that Holmes and Rahe’s research rated death of a spouse, divorce and marital separation, respectively, as the three most stressful life events. Whatever the cause, letting go of a relationship can be very difficult and painful. For some people, it is traumatic. In this blog, I explain how experiencing grief and working through the five stages of loss during hypnotherapy can help you accept that the relationship is finished.

When someone is having trouble accepting that the relationship is over, Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder John Kappas, Ph.D., advised taking the client through the stages of grief and loss² during hypnotherapy. Although there are five stages of loss, it is important to remember that not everyone experiences each stage of grief or even go through them consecutively. It is also possible to repeat these stages and to experience one or more at the same time.

• Stage 1: Denial, characterized by shock and numbness, and refusing to accept that the relationship is over.
• Stage 2: Resentment. Anger at the other person(s) in the relationship or anyone else who is around.
• Stage 3: Bargaining, wherein the person tries to make a deal with God, themselves and other people in his or her life to just get the person/relationship back.
• Stage 4: Grief. This stage is characterized by crying and/or emotional withdrawal. (If the person is crying excessively, I would also require a medical or psychological referral so I could address this issue in hypnosis.)
• Stage 5: Resolution. During this final stage of grief and mourning, the person starts to get his or her life back on track. The individual begins to feel more hopeful and accepts the fact that the relationship is over, the other person(s) is not coming back.

Remember: the emotional pain we experience at the end of a significant relationship isn’t just sadness about the person who is no longer in our lives. We also feel pain because we have lost or can no longer follow an important mental script or “known” in our subconscious mind. Regardless of the quality of that bond, disengaging from it and the habits or behaviors you have practiced during the relationship entails breaking script. Now, you must venture into the unknown experience of being independent from that relationship. I use therapeutic guided imagery to facilitate the process of forgiveness—of the self and the other person(s)—to help you heal and leave the finished relationship behind. I also employ guided imagery to help you relax and increase/rebuild your self-confidence, improve your self-esteem and reinforce your self-image as you forge this new path.

 It is only when we can say goodbye with love and respect to the lost relationship and the person(s) we shared it with that we can truly move forward in our lives.

 

 

1)     Holmes TH, Rahe RH (1967). "The Social Readjustment Rating Scale". J Psychosom Res 11 (2): 213–8.

2)     Kübler-Ross, E. (1969) On Death and Dying, Routledge, ISBN 0-415-04015-9

 

 

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Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. Sara has been voted the Best Hypnotherapist in Santa Clarita, California, four years in a row (2019-2022). For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit my website. 

© 2022

 

When Denial Causes Sleep Problems

Photo by Rick Hustead

Have you ever had problems sleeping after ending a romantic relationship? If so, you are not alone. According to Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder John Kappas, Ph.D., continuing to hold onto the former partner and unresolved grief about the ended relationship is often the cause of this problem. 

Sleeping problems can take the form of interrupted sleep or insomnia. The hypnotherapist deduced that denial of the emotional and even physical pain an individual can experience at the end of a relationship produces this sleep pattern. Indeed, this behavior may be a subconscious defense mechanism to interrupt a dream that would confirm the relationship is really over. “Denial covers up depression, and you’re really covering up depressive sleep,” Dr. Kappas explained.

Sometimes, it is only until some time has passed after a relationship has ended that a person truly realizes that it is over, the hypnotherapist explained. Continuing to “hang onto” an emotional attachment to the former partner inhibits or even prevents going through the grief and depression stages of loss that would facilitate letting go of the relationship. In this situation, the person is likely to get stuck in the denial stage of this process.

“As long as you’re in the denial stage, it’s next to impossible to replace [the lost relationship]. You have to go through the stages of loss in order to go forward and start developing another relationship,” Dr. Kappas said. To facilitate this process, he advised giving a client specific suggestions to have a venting dream that will allow the person to release, or "vent out," unresolved feelings and work through the end of the former relationship. “You’re going to sleep soundly and deeply throughout the night, and the reason you’re going to sleep soundly and deeply is that you’re going to prepare to let something go. You’ve made a decision that you’re going to relax the denial mechanism on [the specified date].”

Dr. Kappas said it is important to include a specific date by which the client has the venting dream, such as to coincide with the next (follow-up) hypnotherapy session, to start working through the various stages of loss. This process should help reinstate the person’s normal sleeping pattern and come to terms with the end of the previous relationship, he explained.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2016

Applying the Model of Emotional and Physical Sexuality When the Client Is Having an Affair, Part 2

Photo by Rick Hustead

In my blog titled Applying the Model of Emotional and Physical Sexuality When the Client Is Having an Affair, Part 1, I explained the hypnotherapist’s role in keeping the client’s confidence about this disclosure. In this essay, I describe the process of helping the person salvage or even end the marriage/original partnership, depending on the client’s relationship goals.

Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder John Kappas, Ph.D. suggested it may be useful for the hypnotherapist to meet with the client’s spouse (without disclosing information about the affair) to gauge how to construct an appropriate therapy for the client. From there, the hypnotherapist can work with the client to identify which issues need to be addressed and devise a plan or program for working out the relationship conflicts. If both partners want to salvage the relationship and the other person also wants to receive hypnotherapy to address these issues, a different hypnotherapist should with him or her to prevent conflict of interest. (It may also be advisable to consult with a licensed Marriage and Family therapist in this situation.)

If the Physical Sexual partner won’t “let go” of the relationship, the hypnotherapist can use the Emotional and Physical Sexuality model to wean the person away from the rejecting spouse or lover. The hypnotherapist can work with the person to increase self-esteem, self-confidence and independence without completely dashing his or her hopes that reconciliation is still possible. “Don’t get demanding; don’t get ‘physical’ on him. Subtly reject him, don’t get approach him,” Dr. Kappas said.

If and when both partners agree that the relationship can’t be salvaged, the hypnotherapist may be called upon to help them come to terms with the fact that the marriage is over and it is time to part ways. At this time, when the client is in hypnosis it may be appropriate to take the person through the five stages of loss or even a process of “de-loving” to help the individual come to terms with the fact that the relationship has ended.

Consistent with the standards of ethical and legal practice at HMI, I do not provide couples’ therapy for my clients because I am not a licensed psychologist. Therefore, during a joint evaluation session such as what I described above, I would help both partners define which issues they want to address in therapy and establish guidelines about how they may interact with each other. To prevent conflict of interest, I would continue to work with my original client to achieve those relationship goals and refer the partner/spouse to a different hypnotherapist to independently work toward his or her relationship goals. Both partners’ therapies should feature a Systems Approach and take the other person into account when modifying/changing his or her behavior.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2016

Moving On, Part 2

(This blog was originally posted on August 4, 2014)

 

Image courtesy of Microsoft

     In 1967, psychiatrists Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe conducted a study to identify which stressful life events cause physical illness.¹ They published the results of this study as the Social Readjustment Rating Scale. It comes as little or no surprise that Holmes and Rahe’s research rated death of a spouse, divorce and marital separation, respectively, as the three most stressful life events. Whatever the cause, letting go of a relationship can be very difficult and painful. For some people, it is traumatic. In this blog, I explain how experiencing grief and working through the five stages of loss during hypnotherapy can help you accept that the relationship is finished.

     When someone is having trouble accepting that the relationship is over, Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder John Kappas, Ph.D., advised taking the client through the stages of grief and loss² during hypnotherapy. Although there are five stages of loss, it is important to remember that not everyone experiences each stage of grief or even go through them consecutively. It is also possible to repeat these stages and to experience one or more at the same time.

 ·         Stage 1: Denial, characterized by shock and numbness, and refusing to accept that the relationship is over.

·      Stage 2: Resentment. Anger at the other person(s) in the relationship or anyone else who is around.

·      Stage 3: Bargaining, wherein the person tries to make a deal with God, themselves and other people in his or her life to just get the person/relationship back.

·      Stage 4: Grief. This stage is characterized by crying and/or emotional withdrawal. (If the person is crying excessively, I would also require a medical or psychological referral so I could address this issue in hypnosis.)

·     Stage 5: Resolution. During this final stage of grief and mourning, the person starts to get his or her life back on track. The individual begins to feel more hopeful and accepts the fact that the relationship is over, the other person(s) is not coming back.

     Remember: the emotional pain we experience at the end of a significant relationship isn’t just sadness about the person who is no longer in our lives. We also feel pain because we have lost or can no longer follow an important mental script or “known” in our subconscious mind. Regardless of the quality of that bond, disengaging from it and the habits or behaviors you have practiced during the relationship entails breaking script. Now, you must venture into the unknown experience of being independent from that relationship. I use therapeutic guided imagery to facilitate the process of forgiveness—of the self and the other person(s)—to help you heal and leave the finished relationship behind. I also employ guided imagery to help you relax and increase/rebuild your self-confidence, improve your self-esteem and reinforce your self-image as you forge this new path.

     It is only when we can say goodbye with love and respect to the lost relationship and the person(s) we shared it with that we can truly move forward in our lives.

1)      Holmes TH, Rahe RH (1967). "The Social Readjustment Rating Scale". J Psychosom Res 11 (2): 213–8.

2)      Kübler-Ross, E. (1969) On Death and Dying, Routledge, ISBN 0-415-04015-9

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2015