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Showing posts with label communication. Show all posts

Monday, May 8, 2023

Open to Interpretation

I am continuing to suspend in-erson hypnotherapy sessions with me in my office. However, phone, and Zoom consultations ARE and WILL REMAIN AVAILABLE!

(This blog was originally posted on June 23, 2016)

“Effective communication is 20% what you know and 80% how you feel

about what you know.” – Jim Rohn

Photo by Rick Hustead

The sentiment in the quote above is very similar to a saying that the late hypnotherapist, Alex G. Kappas, Ph.D., used to tell his students when explaining (mis)communication. Here is the quote: “I know you believe you think you understand what I have just said; but I am not sure that what you heard is not what I meant.” Are you confused? Don’t worry about it; the play on words is intentional and meant to illustrate his point: effective communication is equally a matter of expression interpretation. When the message or “point” of that communication is missed or misunderstood, all sorts of chaos can ensue.

For example, in the Game of Thrones: “Battle of the Bastards” episode, a particularly nasty character warned his estranged wife that he would always be a part of her. Like other devoted fans of the show, those words set off a number of alarm bells in my mind. “Could Sansa be pregnant? After everything that horrible man put her through, could she really be carrying Ramsay Bolton’s baby?” I was alternately horrified and sad for her.

Then I took a deep breath and decided not to second-guess the implications of Lord Bolton’s warning. First of all, the plot of GoT is nothing if not a mental chess game. I, for one, have no intention of spending a year wondering about Sansa Stark’s state (with child or not) like I fretted for eight months whether Jon Snow truly died in last year’s season finale. (Spoiler alert: he did not.) I reminded myself that emotional suggestibility makes it more likely to read/interpret a hidden meaning into a statement like that. Author George R. R. Martin and the skilled filmmakers, scriptwriters and directors who have brought his best-selling books to celluloid life know how to create action and scenarios that seduce readers and viewers, taking us with them into their fantastic worlds.

Conversely, one of the series co-stars (Liam Cunningham, “Davos Seaworth”) reportedly told the Huffington Post that his interpretation of Lord Bolton’s warning was more likely a literal statement of fact than foreshadowing the birth of his heir. Cunningham explained that Bolton wanted Sansa to know that while their time together was fairly short, she would always remember and feel how he tortured her and these memories would continue to torment her. If you have read the books and/or watched their video incarnation on HBO, you know exactly why his words would be true.

Having said that, in keeping with Dr. Alex Kappas’s instruction and the guessing-games and mental gymnastics Game of Thrones subjects (pun intended) its fans to, the true meaning of this statement truly is up for inference and interpretation. And a little (or a lot of) imagination.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. Sara has been voted the Best Hypnotherapist in Santa Clarita, California, four years in a row (2019-2022). For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/

Tuesday, February 28, 2023

Family Ties

I am continuing to suspend in-person hypnotherapy sessions with me in my office. However, phone, and Zoom consultations ARE and WILL REMAIN AVAILABLE!

(This blog was originally posted on August 5, 2014)

Photo by Rick Hustead

In one episode of his talk show, Late Night with Seth Meyers host, Seth Meyers, had his younger brother, Josh, as a guest on the show to help promote their animated series, The Awesomes. This was the first time I ever saw them interact together, and I was immediately struck by how easy, comfortable and familiar they were. That made sense: not only are they brothers; they are obviously very good friends. Watching the interview was less like a promotion for their shared venture on the Hulu® network and more like being a fly on the wall at a family reunion. It was fun to listen to them reminisce about their childhood and adolescence, the private names they call each other and the verbal shorthand they use to communicate. Apparently, the brothers knew each other so well that when Seth offered to pick up a sandwich for Josh, the younger sibling immediately knew that the family dog had died. Similarly, when Josh started a phone conversation by saying “I’m all right,” Seth knew those words were actually a code for, I’m alive, but this, this and this happened to me on the ski slopes today, or whatever.

Family members aren’t the only ones who communicate like this. Good friends, spouses, romantic partners or military personnel also share a similar verbal shorthand. Words don’t even need to be spoken, yet a gesture or facial expression tells an entire story to the other party in this non-verbal exchange. An observer, someone who is not part of this immediate group, might wonder if the members are even psychic the way they finish each other’s sentences. Even spookier is when one person says something and another says, “I was just going to say that!” and you know it is true. Extra-sensory perception may or may not have a part in the fluidity of this exchange, but you can definitely chalk up the mutual understanding to shared experiences and shared subconscious knowns. Siblings are a great example of this phenomenon.

Consider this second example of shared, familial knowns versus what we learn from non-family members (strangers). The popular detective series of the late 1980s and early 1990s, Inspector Morse, got a new spinoff a few years ago titled Endeavour. This new series follows Shaun Evans’ rookie detective constable at the start of Morse’s police career, negotiating department politics while he solves complicated murders. I think Evans is well-cast as Morse. He has the clear-blue eyes for which John Thaw’s Chief Inspector Morse was known, and the younger man has mastered Thaw’s facial expressions, posture and pattern of speech. But Thaw’s daughter, Abigail, who has a recurring role in the new series, is even more like her late father than the man who portrays him. In addition to bearing some physical resemblance to him, Ms. Thaw absolutely has that raised eyebrow, grimace, slow smile that fans remember from her father’s embodiment of “Morse.” These are not gestures that she would have had to study and learn so she could mimic them in her role, the way Evans would have had to do to convincingly portray a younger version of Inspector Morse. Rather, she would have acquired them over the years while sitting on her father’s knee listening to a story when she was a little girl or any number of casual interactions with him during a family get-together.

Whether or not you are emotionally close to your family, if you were raised and grew up together you already share more than DNA. You also learned various behaviors and beliefs from your parent(s)/guardian(s) through the development of your suggestibility, as did your sibling(s). You learned to associate certain events or stimuli with pleasure or pain, and these experiences became the knowns that would create, support and reinforce your subconscious life script. This process is the basis of Hypnosis Motivation Founder John Kappas, Ph.D.’s Theory of Mind and development of suggestibility. Whenever someone observes how two “like” minds think alike, I would say that is true more frequently about family members’—especially, siblings’—mental processes than that of two “strangers” such as spouses or close friends. Dr. Kappas’ Theory of Mind probably also goes a long way to explain the role of nurture in terms of contributing to our social development.

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Tuesday, January 31, 2023

Body Language

I am continuing to suspend in-person hypnotherapy sessions with me in my office. However, phone, and Zoom consultations ARE and WILL REMAIN AVAILABLE!

(This blog was originally posted on October 28, 2014)

Photo by Rick Hustead

I am fascinated by a new television advertisement for mobile (cell) phone services. In the ad, a group of potential customers puts a representative of a major, national phone company through her paces as they ask about various communications features that the company offers. Viewers are led to infer that the prospective customers are real-estate agents, because each of them is professionally rand sports a tan blazer with a large emblem of a house on the left side of the jacket. The group pretty much verifies the identity of their vocation when one of the women says, “Let’s close!” and they all cross their arms over their chest and grin. But it is what the customers and the sales representative say with their bodies throughout the ad that is of greatest interest to me.

Throughout the ad, the phone-company representative matches every physical and facial gesture that her prospective clients make. As a customer’s voice lilts at the end of a question, the salesperson uses a similar lilt in her response. When one person points a finger to make a point, the sales rep makes the same movement during her explanation. Someone steeples her fingers across her midsection; the sales rep makes the same gesture. Another person in the group nods and raises her eyebrows; so does the sales rep. When the camera pans back a little, viewers can see that she has even adopted a similar stance as she stands with the customers. At the end of the advertisement when one of the customers crosses her arms and announces they will all take (“close”) the deal, her colleagues look at her and immediately imitate the crossed-arms gesture.

I like this ad because it is such a fabulous demonstration of how people mirror someone’s behavior in order to build rapport with someone. If your job entails selling products or services, you probably recognized every sales technique depicted in the advertisement I just described. You don’t have to be a salesperson or a customer to identify with what went on. We mirror each other’s various behaviors—facial expressions, physical gestures, patterns of speech—all the time, often without realizing that we are doing it. These actions are like a “fast track” to building rapport with someone you would like to get to know better. People are naturally attracted to others who behave or seem to think like they do.

Think about a conversation you have had recently: Did you nod at some point during the conversation or lean forward in your seat as if to listen to your companion’s words even more closely? And did your companion then lean his or her body closer to yours, return your nod or mirror a hand movement that you were previously unaware of having made? Did you notice when your spouse or friend took a step forward, backwards or sideways to mirror your stance, or raised or lowered his or her voice to match the tone of yours? These are examples of mirroring, and mirroring is a subconscious (or conscious) behavior that creates rapport and can facilitate social bonds by reinforcing similarity or familiarity between you. Rapport is an inherent and necessary component of every kind of relationship; it is the cornerstone upon which every relationship is built. It is only when we establish rapport with someone are we likely to explore the similarities and differences between us, and know whether we want to spend the time and energy to create a social, romantic, or professional relationship with that person. Without rapport, we cannot come to trust, respect, like or communicate well with him or her, and a relationship—or a successful sale—is unlikely to result from the interaction.

Special Offer: Free 30-Minute Phone or Zoom Consultation

*This is not a full hypnotherapy session. Hypnosis will not be provided during this consultation. This offer is not redeemable for cash and may not be combined with any other promotion.

Tuesday, October 4, 2022

Mimicry. Imitation. Communiation.

I am continuing to suspend in-person hypnotherapy sessions with me in my office. However, phone, and Zoom consultations ARE and WILL REMAIN AVAILABLE!

(This blog was originally posted on September 2, 2014)

Photo by Jennifer Berkowitz

I recently witnessed something very interesting. While I was hanging out with my horse yesterday, a crow sitting on a branch in the tree beside me started to imitate the “honk” of some geese next door to my trainer’s property. I know that crows are exceptionally bright, but I have never seen or heard anything like that. I don’t believe that this was just a case of mimicry, either: the crow deliberately honked to the goose several times as if trying to get the other bird’s attention. When it finally responded, the crow honked right back a few times and then waited for the goose to communicate again. Meanwhile, another crow nearby cawed at the original one in the tree; the first crow responded in kind a few times and then resumed its calls to the goose. How cool is that?

This incident made me think about the different ways people imitate another person’s voices in speech and in song. Not just the words someone else says but also even the tone, pitch, rhythm/cadence of the words and even regional dialect or accent. Why do we do this, and how—and when—do we know that we are getting it right? For example, when I lived in England while I worked on my post-graduate degree, I gradually developed a slight lilt in my voice. I didn’t notice this change in my speech until I returned to the United States and people commented that I had developed a cool accent while I was away. This change made perfect sense, as the people with whom I worked, lived and socialized were British; over time, my subconscious mind accepted these accents as a new known and I eventually adopted it (or a version of it) as my own.

Similarly, I often sing along when a favorite song comes on the radio or my iPod. My conscious mind knows that I do not sound anything Celine Dion, Annie Lennox, Katy Perry, Bon Jovi or Tim McGraw, but I still try to imitate those singers’ voices when I’m singing along to their songs. Why won’t my subconscious mind let me give up that ghost and sing without trying to sound like someone I’m not? Even when I consciously try to sing in my own voice, in the back of my mind I can still imagine hearing what one of those performers sound like and I catch myself trying to sing the same way.

My answer to that question may be found in Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder John Kappas, Ph.D.’s Theory of Mind. Dr. Kappas stated that from the moment we are born we start to develop a subconscious life script by learning specific behaviors through association and identification. Even though most of this script is written by the time we are about eight years old, the mind continues to take in more information which the subconscious mind may accept or reject. For example, we learned how to talk by associating and identifying specific words that a primary caretaker taught us, and then we imitated this behavior (e.g., how to move our mouths to create words) to speak. Over time, we also modeled other people to learn and correct our pronunciation and increase our vocabulary. Many parents or caretakers sing to their young children, which may explain people’s fondness for listening to music and singing, or participating in these activities ourselves. And, just like we did when we learned how to speak, once we learn the words to a song we like we subconsciously imitate the way the singer performs the lyrics.

I wonder if the crow I observed yesterday was unintentionally imitating the neighbor’s goose to communicate with the other bird the same way humans do in speech and song.

Monday, March 21, 2022

Open to Interpretation

I am continuing to suspend in-person hypnotherapy sessions with me in my office. However, phone, and Zoom consultations ARE and WILL REMAIN AVAILABLE!

(This blog was originally posted on June 23, 2016)

“Effective communication is 20% what you know and 80% how you feel

about what you know.” – Jim Rohn

Photo by Rick Hustead

The sentiment in quote above is very similar to a saying that the late hypnotherapist, Alex G. Kappas, Ph.D., used to tell his students when explaining (mis)communication. Here is the quote: “I know you believe you think you understand what I have just said; but I am not sure that what you heard is not what I meant.” Are you confused? Don’t worry about it; the play on words is intentional and meant to illustrate his point: effective communication is equally a matter of expression interpretation. When the message or “point” of that communication is missed or misunderstood, all sorts of chaos can ensue.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. Sara has been voted the Best Hypnotherapist in Santa Clarita, California, three years in a row (2019, 2020, 2021). For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/

Monday, June 28, 2021

Am I Suggestible, or Just Gullible?

To minimize risk of exposure to and spread of the COVID-19 virus, I have temporarily suspended in-person hypnotherapy sessions with me in my office, but they will be returning soon! Meanwhile, phone, and Zoom consultations ARE and WILL REMAIN AVAILABLE!

Am I Suggestible or Just Gullible?

(This blog was originally posted on January 28, 2016)

Photo by Rick Hustead

Many years ago, someone told me that she would happily give someone the benefit of the doubt and believe what another person was telling her to be true until that “fact” was called into question. Her implicit trust impressed me—especially since this statement was made around the time that The X-Files was at the height of its popularity. During the late 1990s, just about everyone I knew kept reciting the series’ famous tagline: “Trust no one.” Some mutual friends liked to tease her for this gullibility, but I respected her open-mindedness. It’s a lonely world to question, doubt and double-think everything that somebody tells you. When I started my hypnotherapy certification at the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2004, I learned that gullibility is really just a disparaging description of hyper-suggestibility. Furthermore, we are all probably susceptible to being led down that too-good-to-be-true rosy path to some extent, at some point during our lives.

John Kappas, Ph.D., a psychologist and founder of the Hypnosis Motivation Institute, described suggestibility in terms of how a person learns. It develops between when we are born through the first eight or so years of life, through interactions with the primary caretaker (usually, mother). If Mom’s communications were typically direct and literal—i.e., “I say what I mean and I mean what I say”—you’re more likely to take other people at their word because that is how you were taught/learned to communicate. This is type of communication and understanding is a hallmark of Physical Suggestibility. Conversely, someone whose caregiver who did not always follow through or support her words with congruent actions is more likely to always wonder if there is a hidden meaning behind what was said. For example: Mom tells you to finish your homework before you’re allowed to play with your friends but eventually she gives in to your begging and whining and allows you to play first (for just a little while). In this case, you also rely on the speaker’s tone of voice and context of the communication/action to infer the meaning behind her words: She “said” I can’t go play but she just pointed to the door and indicated I should leave the house. The comparative ambiguity of this communication creates Emotional Suggestibility.

Now, as very young children, most of us are taught at a very young age to listen to and respect adults and to always tell the truth (not lie). This is all well and good until the first time an older relative comes to visit at the holidays and teases or pranks you. Deep down, you know that Mom has only run out to the market to pick up some ingredients for the meal; but your grandparent or an older cousin tells you (smiling) that mom has actually gone away on a trip without you. You have been taught to trust and believe grown-ups—and you basically do—until Mom saunters back into the house with an armful of groceries and you realize that you have been “had.” Where does that trusting instinct go from here?

Our suggestibility will continue to be challenged throughout our lifetime. Often, this happens willingly (with our permission), such as when we suspend our disbelief about a plot-twist while watching a movie or reading a book, or even when we go shopping for groceries or clothes. Yes, I really do want to buy that chocolate cake/those Jimmy Choo stilettos; I just “need” someone to persuade me to give into that whim. When we are engrossed in a thrilling story or interacting with a highly motivated salesperson, it is even more difficult to be skeptical and overcome the power of the hypnotic modalities that increase our suggestibility in the first place.

Someone who is ready and willing to believe anything and everything probably possess a somnambulistic suggestibility and go through most days in hypnosis. (The friend I described at the beginning of this essay probably fit this description.) As I explained in a previous blog, it is not uncommon for me to have to de-hypnotize a client before we can work on the issue the person wanted to address. This technique is also effective for increasing our critical thinking, logic and reasoning faculties in the conscious mind that enable us to resist and/or avoid the temptations to which our suggestibility can make us vulnerable.

Special Offer!

I am extending my May 2021 special offer! This month, when you book your FIRST (Introductory) hypnotherapy session with me you are eligible for a $25 discount on BOTH your Second AND Third follow-up, a la Carte appointments! This promotion may not be combined with any other offer. It is non-transferable and may not be exchanged for cash. Discount does not apply for hypnotherapy-package discounts. Valid through June 30, 2021.

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. In July 2019 and in September 2020 she was voted the Best Hypnotherapist in Santa Clarita, California. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

Wednesday, June 9, 2021

Real-Life Application of Suggestibility

A customer walked into a music store the other day and the shop assistant said, “Good morning.”

The customer replied, “You too.”

The assistant said, “Second shelf, first aisle on the left.”

I have been a certified hypnotherapist, officially, for nearly 16 years. Suggestibility—specifically, the difference between emotional and physical suggestibility—is one of the first concepts I learned about during my training at the Hypnosis Motivation Institute. All these years later, I continue to be fascinated by and amused with the way people’s suggestibility influences people’s day-to-day interactions and communication.

Briefly, HMI founder John Kappas, Ph.D., described suggestibility as the way we communicate and learn. Specifically, physical suggestibility is a literal and direct communication style. Emotional suggestibility entails inference and metaphor; the person looks for meaning behind the words.

Suggestibility occurs along a spectrum and it is not determined by your gender or sexuality. It is a behavior that we typically learn from our primary caretaker. Typically, although not necessarily, “mom,” a primary caretaker is the person whom we identify as the individual that met our most basic survival needs from when we were born until about age 8. So it is very common to have a different suggestibility and communication “style” from our secondary caretaker (e.g., dad), as I recently experienced.

My dad: Can I get you anything from the grocery store?

Me: I actually need more black-tea bags for hot tea. Thanks!

My dad: Okay. And he purchased, literally, a box of black-tea bags.

What I meant, though, was that I wanted more bags of Tetley tea, which we both prefer for hot tea. Because I meant a specific brand, I assumed he knew that, too. Nope. A physical suggestible, he literally purchased what I asked for, and I could only laugh about that.

A few days later, during a riding lesson, my trainer told me to ask my horse to go “forward.” I honestly cannot remember what her specific words or instructions were; they were very general and vague. Literally, a metaphor. But those words resonated so deeply and comfortably that I knew exactly what she meant and what she wanted me to do. They created a picture in my subconscious mind, and that picture became a feeling. My body instinctively knew what I needed to do, so I did that. Once again, I had to laugh. This was also a superb example of suggestibility in action.

In reference to the fun exchange between an employee at a music store, who do you think was the Physical Suggestible? Who was the Emotional Suggestible?

I wonder how the rest of the conversation might have gone…

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Wednesday, December 2, 2020

Open to Interpretation

To minimize risk of exposure to and spread of the COVID-19 virus, I am temporarily suspending in-person hypnotherapy sessions with me in my office. However, phone, Skype and Zoom consultations ARE and WILL REMAIN AVAILABLE!

(This blog was originally posted on June 23, 2016)

“Effective communication is 20% what you know and 80% how you feel

about what you know.” – Jim Rohn

Photo by Rick Hustead

Then I took a deep breath and decided not to second-guess the implications of Lord Bolton’s warning. First of all, the plot of GoT is nothing if not a mental chess game. I, for one, have no intention of spending a year wondering about Sansa Stark’s state (with child or not) like I fretted for eight months whether Jon Snow truly died in last year’s season finale. (Spoiler alert: he did not.) I reminded myself that emotional suggestibility makes it more likely to read/interpret a hidden meaning into a statement like that. Author George R. R. Martin and the skilled filmmakers, script-writers and directors who have brought his best-selling books to celluloid life know how to create action and scenarios that seduce readers and viewers, taking us with them into their fantastic worlds.

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*These promotions may not be combined with any other offer. They are non-transferable and may not be exchanged for cash.