Mentors, Role Models and Positive Influences

(This blog was originally posted on July 2, 2014)

    While I was trying to come up with a topic for today’s blog, two quotes popped into my mind: “What would Brian Boitano do?” and, “We stand on the shoulders of giants.” The first is a reference to DVDA’s song about the 1988 Olympic champion figure skater; among other things, the lyrics assert that Boitano would “make a plan, and he'd follow through, that's what Brian Boitano'd do!” (As I recall, the title of this song took on a life of its own for a while, whereby people would jokingly speculate what the skater would do to solve their dilemma.) The second quote is from Sir Isaac Newton, who credited the scientific discoveries of his predecessors in facilitating his own success. So tonight I took stock of Mr. Boitano’s projected response to a situation and took a loving look at some of the people who have inspired me on my journey through life.

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• Mr. Roland. He was one of my history teachers in high school, and probably one of the best at what he did. I remember more of the information he taught than any other teacher because he was such a good story-teller. Every lesson was like taking a step back in time and walking down the streets or across the battlefields that he described. He was very strict and terrified most of his students (including me). However, he was fair and enthusiastic about teaching the next generation(s) about what our forebears went through to make our country great.

• Pet Shop Boys. From the moment one of my friends introduced me to their music 25 years ago, I knew I had found a group that represented how I felt as a Gen-Xer; coincidentally (or not), the lyrics of their songs on Behave described a lot of things I was going through between 1990 and 1994. To this day, “Left to My Own Devices” (from Introspection) remains my signature song.

• Sandra and Robert, my friends (and former landlords). I had never really considered riding/training in dressage until I became their tenant in 1990. When I visited them in 2002, Sandra invited me to sit and “have a trot” on her Lusitano stallion. That ride marked the moment I officially returned to my first true love, horses. Robert is the first person to teach me how to drive stick-shift when he and Sandra let me cruise his Land Rover around an empty parking lot at a grocery store. It was the most fun I’ve ever had driving; by the way, this adventure was in England, so I had an extra challenge of driving on the side I wasn’t used to.

• Diana, Princess of Wales. People who have known me for a long, long time probably remember me back in the days I had her haircut and wore dresses and hats to school. To high school. But it wasn’t her fashion that intrigued me, or even the fairy tale the public was sold (and bought) about her life. I was intrigued and inspired by her ability to stand tall and smile in public, to be gracious and carry on, when her private world was falling apart. The day moved home from England, for good, I was able to keep myself together by focusing on my mental image of the princess greeting someone at a fundraiser at the Serpentine Gallery in 1994. She was wearing that now-famous black cocktail dress and heels, smiling and extending her hand in greeting while her husband answered questions about their marriage for a television interview. I thought, “If she can hold it together so well—in public—while her world is falling apart, I can and will do it, too.”

• Katie, one of the advanced riders at Silver Gate Farms when I started riding again after a 19-year hiatus from horses. She motivated (and reassured) me to relax and enjoy the ride the first time I watched her hand-gallop her horse before a jumping lesson. (She jumped big fences.) My trainer, Jim, pointed to them and explained, “See that? She is completely in control of her horse.” He explained how and why this was true, but the image of this ride is what really impacted me: she was smiling and adjusting her sunglasses as they galloped around the arena. In my memory, she was holding the reins in just one hand…but who knows? I was ready and inspired to get on a horse and canter, too.

• Katie again. It took six years for me to feel really comfortable driving, let alone taking the freeway, when I returned from England. When I told her this by way of asking if I could follow her from a local showground to get back to the barn, she said of course. Then she added the insight (advice) I now share with clients when I help them overcome similar anxieties: “Freeways are your friend. Once you are on the freeway, you can only go one direction so you can’t get lost.”

• Dr. John Kappas and my instructors at the Hypnosis Motivation Institute. Sadly, I never got to meet Dr. Kappas, as he had passed away before I started my hypnotherapy training. However, through watching videos of his lectures, reading his books and learning his teachings through the instructors at HMI who lovingly carry on his legacy, I continue to be inspired as a student and practitioner of hypnotherapy. Hands down, the Theory of Mind has changed my life. At least, it has changed (for the better) the way I look at my life so I can approach new experiences with curiosity, enthusiasm and interest rather than anxiety or discomfort.

• Monty Roberts, Chris Cox, Robert Dover, Jan Ebeling, Gina Miles, Charlotte Dujardin. Each of these individuals inspires me for different reasons and in different ways, but I consider them all role models for the work they do in handling and riding horses. Every time I work with or ride my horse, I remember his saying, “Low adrenaline equals high learning,” and exhale any anxiety, frustration or impatience I may be feeling. My first, most important priority is to make sure Galahad feels comfortable, safe and confident in his work, and I need to be the leader he would choose for that role. Mr. Cox’s advice that “you will never be on a runaway if you can ride a fast horse” has become my mantra when I feel nervous about trying something new during a lesson or if my horse shies at something. I just love the respectful way that Mr. Dover and Mr. Ebeling interact with their mounts during a ride: there is plenty of praise and long-rein/walk breaks to reward the horse while they are working. Ms. Miles and Ms. Dujardin are my inspirations in my riding: I want to be able to ride the way they do “when I grow up,” as I like to say. Or, at least to ride well enough to participate in one of their clinics one day.

       So, that’s some background about people who have inspired me over the years. Who are your role models? Who has influenced your life?

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2015

Practice What You Preach

(This blog was originally posted on June 20, 2014)

Photo courtesy of Sara Fogan

          One of the most important components of having a “good” relationship with your (or any) horse is that you respect each other. I described the importance of respect in the human-equine relationship in my blog titled When Respect Equals Love, Part 1. I also suggested some techniques to increase your horse’s respect in the blog titled, When Respect Equals Love, Part 2. When we work with them, we expect the horse to identify us (humans) as their herd leader. We expect them to stay out of our personal space and to move in the direction we ask, when we ask. However, for this relationship to work we need treat the horse as a sentient individual that has its own emotions, thoughts and motivations. Even though we assume an assertive or even a dominant role in our interactions, ideally we communicate what we want the horse to do rather than dominate and try to overpower it to get our way. These attempts to overpower and force a horse to do what we want rarely, if ever, work. An average-size horse outweighs the average-size man by nine or ten times, it is capable of running 30 to 40 miles per hour, and it can land a very powerful (and potentially lethal) kick when it feels cornered.

     The irony is that we are probably more likely to be injured working with or around our own very gentle, docile and affectionate horse than another equine we don’t know as well at the barn where we ride. Why? Because the routine we have with our horse—grooming, riding, bathing, feeding, giving treats, etc.—is familiar, comfortable, a known. Many of us find that just being around our horse is incredibly relaxing and even comforting (I certainly do). But relaxation around horses can and often does translate into carelessness. We duck underneath our horse’s neck to get to and groom the other side of his body. We walk into the pasture to catch him while he is turned out with other horses, discounting or ignoring the fact that the treats we are carrying for our horse will also attract his herd-mates. This scenario could quickly become very dangerous if our horse and the other animals try to bowl us over to get to the treats. We forget (or neglect) to wear sturdy boots to the barn to make sure that our horses have been fed and have enough water for the night, and our diligence is rewarded with a gentle stomp on our unprotected instep. Or, you forget (or neglect) to put on a helmet before heading out on a short trail ride. When a bird suddenly, noisily explodes out of a nearby bush, your terrified (bombproof) gelding bucks, spins, and dumps you on the ground as he bolts back to the stable.

     Now, imagine a different scenario in which you are riding or grooming a horse that you don’t know very well. For example, I am almost a different person when I handle any horse other than my own. Whenever I lead my trainer’s stallions to or from the turnout, or groom or clip any of her other mares or geldings, it is like I am crossing every “t” and dotting every “i” in terms of following safety protocol. I don’t really know any of these animals as well as I do my own horse, which means that I must consciously (and subconsciously) be more aware that I should always be on my guard in case one of them, well, acts like a horse. I know each of those horses well enough to be able to identify their individual behavioral quirks and idiosyncrasies; but at the end of the day, even though each animal is bigger and stronger than me, when I am working with them I am the alpha in the herd.

     While we expect our horse to respect our role as the herd leader in the horse-human partnership, humans must reciprocate this respect for this relationship to be successful. Whether your horse is a hunter/jumper, cutter, dressage, endurance/trail horse, etc., he or she is a very intelligent and powerful and likely highly trained animal. The horse has opinions about what is going on around him or her, and has opinions about what he or she wants (or doesn’t want) to do. Even though we know, consciously, that our horse is not an over-sized puppy, the kind of love he or she really needs from us does not come from the carrots we offer, or the kisses or the marathon grooming sessions we provide. Our horses need to know that they can’t push us around, run us over or scare us away from horses and riding forever when they shy because a leaf just crunched under their hooves. Even though we love and sometimes love “on” them, we must respect our equine partner(s) for being a horse and all of the physical and symbolic power this implies. And we will show our respect by being the leader they need us to be.

       

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2015

 

The Family that Plays Together

(This blog was originally posted on May 19, 2014)

     The Brady Bunch. The Partridge Family. Eight Is Enough. The Ingalls family of Little House on the Prairie and the Walton family of The Waltons. The Corleones of The Godfather. The Ewings of Dallas and the Cartwrights of Bonanza. These are just a few iconic examples of television families that I grew up with. More recently, there are the five ruling clans in George R.R. Martin’s Game of Thrones series, and the extended Grantham family of Downton Abbey. While no one in my family was (or is) really like any of the characters in these fictional families, we all share the respect, loyalty, love and rivalry that characterize a familial bond. These fictitious families taught each other important lessons about how to enjoy the benefits of and negotiate the specific challenges that existed in their world. They learned how it feels to “belong” in a group and to feel protected by people who would sacrifice everything and anything to keep them safe.

      This is not to say that families or specific members in a family are always easy to deal with or that the conflicts which can flare up between them are always simple or comfortable to resolve. Some family feuds go on so long that the members who were involved in the original quarrel have died or simply don’t know or remember why they are fighting, only that they are fighting. However, have you ever noticed what happens if someone outside of the family unit threatens the family or one of its members? The family closes ranks and creates a virtual wagon circle around the individual who is under attack: “It’s one thing for me to say or do something to hurt someone in my family, but don’t you even try it!”

      A sweet dessert and a glass of milk are a common panacea for most causes of hurt and disappointment that occurs in television families. However, patience, compassion/empathy and willingness to compromise are keys to achieving true conflict resolution in real-life families. It can be (and often is) hard work to try to understand why someone you love and who is supposed to love you could have done or said that incredibly hurtful thing. It is even more challenging, but equally necessary, to also take a hard look at how you may have contributed to the fight by something you said or did, whether these actions were intentional or not. It is challenging to offer an apology and admit when you are wrong, but it can also be challenging to graciously accept an apology from someone who hurt you and then work together to move past that painful event.

      Whatever your “family” looks like, this relationship—or lack thereof—is one of the most important ones that you will probably experience during your lifetime. Even if you do not share genetic material (the “nature” component) with anyone in it, you will have scores of memories of shared experiences with the person(s) who raised you (the “nurture” component). Whoever was your primary caretaker helped to establish your suggestibility (how you learn); you would have likely modeled your personality after the person who was a secondary caretaker for you growing up. You can (and probably have) compared notes about your upbringing with your siblings to make sure that everyone got the same treatment. You might be surprised at the similarities between how your parents raised their children, how your aunts and uncles raised your cousins, and even how your grandparents raised your parents. Even if longtime friends and even a spouse or lover drift out of your life, the bonds you share with one or both parents, a sibling (or several) and more distant relatives tend to be more permanent. Like it or not, family is (usually) here to stay.

 Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy®, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2015