How Passive-Aggressive Behavior Affects Motivation

 

I am continuing to suspend in-person hypnotherapy sessions with me in my office. However, phone, and Zoom consultations ARE and WILL REMAIN AVAILABLE! 

 

 

(This blog was originally posted on August 29, 2016)

 

Photo by Sara Fogan

 

 

According to Erik Erickson’s Stages of Development model, passive-aggressive behavior begins when a child is between three to six years old (Loco-Motor stage), when he or she is just starting to become independent. The youngster also learns about guilt and initiative at this time. Erickson observed that if a child is punished or discouraged from expressing initiative, he or she would try to sabotage the parents. For example, the individual might wet or soil the pants instead of going to the bathroom despite having been toilet trained. This kind of passive-aggressive behavior carries over into adulthood as a way to subtly hurt or frustrate someone as if to teach a lesson to the other person. However, it is ultimately the person who behaves in this passive-aggression way who suffers the most.

John Kappas, Ph.D., considered passive-aggressive behavior part of a “losing syndrome” in which the person subconsciously always expects to fail because he or she was never allowed or encouraged to succeed at a task, or was even punished for being assertive. An example of passive-aggressive behavior in adulthood is an employee saying or doing something at work that contradicts the workplace environment/culture that jeopardizes the individual’s chances of promotion or even gets the person fired.

In the above example, Dr. Kappas worked with a man who sought hypnotherapy to increase his motivation about his job and stop procrastinating. The client conceded that he had had 20 jobs over the years; despite feeling optimistic and believing he would succeed at the beginning of each employment, it ultimately wouldn’t work out. When asked why the jobs didn’t work, the client blamed his co-workers when something went wrong; or, he became bored very quickly if he didn’t feel challenged if the job didn’t pay well.

To help the client work through these issues, the hypnotherapist identified and pointed out common denominators between the unwanted behavior (procrastination and low motivation) and the man’s passive-aggressive tendencies. Examples included tardiness to work, tendency to daydream, avoidance of responsibility and failing to show up at meetings or appointments. Next, Dr. Kappas recommended specific dietary changes to stabilize the client’s blood-sugar level and reduce anxiety and frustration. He also gave the client positive suggestions for future personal growth and appreciation of his abilities. Finally, Dr. Kappas introduced him to the Mental Bank Concept to increase the client’s motivation and sense of self-worth.

“Passive aggressiveness gets worse as the person gets older,” warned the Hypnosis Motivation Institute founder, which is why it is so important to obviate these behaviors sooner than later to ensure continued growth and opportunities for self-improvement.

 

  

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Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. Sara has been voted the Best Hypnotherapist in Santa Clarita, California, four years in a row (2019-2022). For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/

© 2023

 

 

Passive Aggression and the Fear of Success

 

To minimize risk of exposure to and spread of the COVID-19 virus and COVID-19 variants, I am continuing to suspend in-person hypnotherapy sessions with me in my office. Meanwhile, phone, and Zoom consultations ARE and WILL REMAIN AVAILABLE! 

 

(This blog was originally posted on July 10, 2014)

 

Photo by Sara Fogan

 

Passive-aggressive behavior is one of the most common ways that we sabotage ourselves. According to developmental psychologist Erik Erikson, it usually starts very early in life: between the ages of 3 and 6 years old (although as young as 18 months is possible). During this time, which Erikson characterized as the play-age/loco-motor stage of development, a child is learning the difference between right and wrong behavior, on his or her way to learning to become independent.

To facilitate healthy development at this stage, Erikson believed that children should be encouraged to be creative and use their imagination when they play. In addition, they should be allowed to play adult roles and assert their individuality by taking initiative and doing things on their own. Otherwise, they may develop a sense of guilt and believe that everything they do is “wrong.” When children are not allowed or is discouraged from expressing their feelings, they may try to punish their parents for causing this discomfort. When they continue this behavior as adults, however, they become the object of this punishment, Erikson warned.

“A passive-aggressive person first believes that asserting himself will cause him pain, so he backs off from people who challenge him,” John Kappas, Ph.D., explained. However, even if the individual initially seems very passive and cooperative, the objective in this behavior is to teach someone a lesson. Passive-aggression is self-sabotaging and is at the passive-aggressive person’s expense, such as quitting a job before being fired, the Hypnosis Motivation Institute explained.

For example, even if a person wants to have a successful career in a specific vocation, he or she may find reasons to not pursue this goal. The individual may decide that it is taking too long to achieve that goal, even though the person is already very good at this job. It may even be true that he or she could earn more money doing something else instead of wasting precious time learning pre-requisite skills to advance and achieve the desired career. But that is what the conscious mind—the area of will-power/free will, decision-making, reason and logic—says. This is what the subconscious mind, which still follows an early-life subconscious mental script, says: “You will never be good/talented/smart enough to do that.” This belief is the actual reason why the person will actually walk away from that “dream” job.

My role as this person’s hypnotherapist would be to change his or her mental script by helping to increase his or her self-confidence and perception of self-worth. I would also help the individual change the passive-aggressive tendencies to assertiveness by setting realistic career goals, following through with goals and reinforcing his or her new self-confidence (behaviors and beliefs). Finally, I would teach my client about the Mental Bank Concept and incorporate it in the person’s daily life to reinforce these new behaviors and perception (belief) of self-worth.

For more information about passive-aggressive behavior, read my blog titled “Passive-Aggressive Behavior.” You can also find out more about how the Mental Bank process works in my July 7, 2014 blog titled “Introduction to the Mental Bank Concept” or watch the free online video about this topic at http://www.hypnosis.edu/streaming/#Mental-Bank-Program.

 

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. In July 2019 and in September 2020 she was voted the Best Hypnotherapist in Santa Clarita, California. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2021

 

The Metaphor of Professor Moriarty

(This blog was originally posted on January 4, 2016)

Warning: this blog may contain spoiler information about Sherlock: The Abominable Bride. Please do not read any further if you have not yet watched and plan to see this episode.

Image courtesy of Microsoft

     I had an epiphany on Sunday evening.

     I’m sure many an English-Literature scholar has already analyzed the dysfunctional, symbiotic relationship between private investigator extraordinaire Sherlock Holmes and his arch-nemesis, Professor James Moriarty. While watching the recent episode of Sherlock: The Abdominable Bride, it suddenly became very clear to me exactly who—or what—Moriarty truly was: the little voice of negative self-talk, of self-doubt, the incarnate version of Sherlock Holmes as his own worst enemy.

     Professor Moriarty is that little voice in the back of the great detective’s head that nourishes self-doubt and self-recrimination. He is the niggling voice in that never shuts up, constantly reminding Holmes: “You’re not good enough/smart enough/strong enough, and you never will be, to defeat me.” Since the detective is already in a highly suggestible state courtesy of his affinity for the Seven-Percent Solution (cocaine), he is also vulnerable to the drug-induced paranoia that that feeds his innate insecurity and questions about self-worth and identity. In short, the great intellect and sleuthing genius that characterizes Sherlock Holmes also make him the perfect foil for Moriarty, the only criminal whom Holmes has not definitively bested or defeated.

     Two scenes in Sherlock: The Abdominable Bride particularly illustrated the men’s symbiotic relationship for me. In the first, Holmes hallucinates that Moriarty is visiting him at the detective’s flat on Baker Street. Their conversation, if it can be called that, is more like a verbal duel. Ultimately they each draw their pistols and face off. Moriarty challenges Holmes: “We don’t need toys to kill each other. Where’s the intimacy in that? What do you want?” When Sherlock says he wants to know “The truth”—presumably about the nature of their constant stand-off and how Moriarty, whom Sherlock saw die several months previously, is somehow always at the center of Holmes’s cases and in his life. The criminal merely smirks and says, “It’s not real. None of it. It’s all in your mind.”

     In the second scene, Holmes and Moriarty are shown fighting in the rain on a slippery cliff at Reichenbach Falls. Once again, the criminal seems to be having the upper hand in the verbal and physical battle, even telling Sherlock: “Congratulations, you’ll be the first man in history to be buried in his own mind palace.” When Holmes insists that Moriarty is (should be dead), his nemesis merely replies: “Not in your mind. I’ll never be dead there. You once called your brain a hard drive. Well, say hello to the virus. This is how we end, you and I: Always here, always together.”

     At one point during the fight Holmes tells Moriarty, “You have a magnificent brain, Moriarty. I concede it may even be the equal of my own.” But just as Holmes acknowledges that he may have met his match, Moriarty reminds the detective: "I am your weakness. I keep you down. Every time you stumble, every time you fall. When you are weak… I. Am. There. Don’t try to fight it. Shall we go over together? It’s always together. In the end it’s always you and me.” That statement—and what happened next—was a turning point in their conflict. It was also a great metaphor for Holmes (finally) realizing that he might need and even welcome some kind of (therapeutic) intervention to finally terminate the pathological relationship with his nemesis (himself).

     As if by magic, Holmes’s best friend and colleague, Dr. John Watson, appears on the cliff to protect and help save the detective’s life. Rather than use the pistol in his hand to shoot Moriarty, Watson gives Holmes permission to simply push his nemesis over the cliff. In order to truly work through the conflict in his subconscious mind and quiet that negative voice (Moriarty) forever, Sherlock Holmes had to make the first move. The time had finally come that the detective found Moriarty “a shade annoying” and was ready to make room for a new challenge outside of his own mind (palace).

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

 © 2016

Self-Improvement

Photo courtesy of Fotilia

When our self-confidence and self-esteem are low, so too
is our ability to value ourselves and our self-worth.

   

             Yesterday, one of my friends posted this quote-of-the-day on his Facebook wall: “The only person you need to be better than is the person you were yesterday.” The quote was accompanied by a picture of a man looking down at his flexed biceps. His expression looked self-critical—but that was probably the desired interpretation, based on the quote. It definitely made me think, though.

                It is very easy to become self-critical. The expression “self-improvement” implies that something is wrong or at least not as good, right or perfect as we would like it to be. Whether we are considering our business acumen, sports ability, beauty/physique, artistic talent, etc., it doesn’t take long for this evaluation to become a comparison to other people. When we compare ourselves to others, we lose sight of our own skills, talents, contributions and self-worth. We cannot be ourselves while we are trying and pretending to be someone else—and, we become angry and frustrated when we don’t fulfill those unrealistic expectations of being like or being “better than” that other person.

                The most important work I do as a hypnotherapist is to help my clients to increase their self-confidence and self-esteem. I compare these traits to an emotional compass: the lower my client’s self-esteem or self-confidence is, the lower his or her motivation and self-acceptance tend to be. I use therapeutic guided imagery to help my client envision attaining the therapeutic goal. When I construct the hypnotic script I use the client’s words to describe the traits, skills and abilities that the person already possesses that will help him or her to achieve that specified goal to reinforce the imagery.  Over time, as the person continues to use the skills and techniques that he or she has been rehearsing in hypnotherapy to achieve this goal in the real world, the person’s self-confidence and self-esteem get stronger. Furthermore, just about every aspect of the person’s social, emotional and professional life get “better”, too; and a new world of options and opportunities to achieve new challenges opens up.

Humans have a predilection to compare every experience and every person to another, but what is going on inside you today and tomorrow is the only comparison that really matters.

               

 

 

 

 

Sara R. Fogan, C.Ht. is a certified hypnotherapist based in Southern California. She graduated with honors from the Hypnosis Motivation Institute in 2005. For more information about Calminsense Hypnotherapy® and to set up an appointment, please visit http://www.calminsensehypnotherapy.com/.

© 2014